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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

407 replies

lunavista · 03/07/2022 11:42

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hurstlandshome · 03/07/2022 11:53

I call BS on this thread. It's so obviously unreasonable to offer to stay in a married man's home, knowing the wife doesn't approve of the friendship, coupled with the fact the offer in itself is frankly weird anyway, why would he need her to stay over?

Non-thread.

audweb · 03/07/2022 11:54

Your friend is making a move on him, or at least trying to. He’s shutting it down nicely, she needs to take the message and back off.

HollowTalk · 03/07/2022 11:54

I think this is a reverse. Nobody could be so lacking in emotional intelligence.

SheepingStandingUp · 03/07/2022 11:54

Yeah I think it's inappropriate. I'm usually team men and women can be friends but I think ordering to move in as soon as the wife is away to play families is off and is wonder if she wanted to help keep the bed warm.

I'd reply and say "omg I've just realised that sounds way different out loud than it did in my head when I was thinking you might appreciate a hand with DD, forget i even messaged" and then back away.

At best it's patronising about his ability to care for his own child

eldora · 03/07/2022 11:55

Is your friend single?

It honestly sounds like she thought this was her chance to nab him.

Extremely ill judged from her.

Ncwinc · 03/07/2022 11:55

Reverse or fiction?

eldora · 03/07/2022 11:56

I a personally think he's been a muppet.

It’s not him that’s the muppet. Are you single too?

WeAreBob · 03/07/2022 11:57

Why would she think that was necessary?
If you were looking after your child for the weekend, would she come and stay with you to help?
No. Because parents can looo after their own kid.

It is just such an odd thing to offer and I doubt she would offer to do it for a female friend, that I think she is after something more. His response to her makes me think that also. He hasn't seen it as a single childcare offer. He thinks she is after something and he has shut it down right away and told her how inappropriate it is.

Loics · 03/07/2022 11:57

What a strange offer, his response was spot on. I'd be equally taken aback if a male friend offered to move in for a weekend to help look after my kids, what a odd thing to offer...
It doesn't sound like it was an innocent faux pas on her part, I would never automatically assume a parent friend was going to struggle with their own kids if their partner was away for a weekend.

Amybelle88 · 03/07/2022 11:58

Completely inappropriate.

If I went away for a weekend and my husband had a woman staying over in my home I wouldn't be happy.

There's being a friend and there's overstepping boundaries.

iklboo · 03/07/2022 11:58

Of course it's inappropriate and weird. What was she you thinking?

DefiniteTortoise · 03/07/2022 11:58

Appropriate would have been to offer to meet him and child out of the home for a park trip or similar, as a day out/activity. Staying at his home is not appropriate. She has badly misjudged this one.

Divebar2021 · 03/07/2022 11:58

Why would you even need to cook a Lasagna ? If he was away do you think anyone would be dropping around meals for the wife?

Cuck00soup · 03/07/2022 11:58

Why would a single woman be better at child care than the child's parent?

Do you honestly think your friend isn't making a move on this guy?

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/07/2022 11:59

Inappropriate and insulting and sexist. If this is real and not some weird made up thread that is.

Furrbabymama1987 · 03/07/2022 11:59

Weird and inappropriate. Aside from that, who wants a mate hanging round for days in their own home?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2022 12:01

She actually offered to stay over at his home for the weekend? Why on earth would he "need help" with his own child?

FFS, of course that's inappropriate. Grossly, so. If this is real, your friends judgement is highly questionable. It's like she wanted to play wifey for the weekend.

HerTableLaid · 03/07/2022 12:02

I have a close male friend and we help each other out a lot when necessary re children, dogwalking — regardless of the presence or absence of DH (friend is separated) — but like pps, I think the oddity here is the idea that a presumably able-bodied man can’t look after his own child for a weekend, regardless of the circumstances. (Unless the context is that he’s working through the weekend or something, but presumably this would have been stated in the OP?)

I do think his response is also odd, though — surely the obvious reply is ‘Why would you think I need help with my own child?’

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 03/07/2022 12:04

HollowTalk · 03/07/2022 11:54

I think this is a reverse. Nobody could be so lacking in emotional intelligence.

Probably is a reverse although there are lots of naive people out there, like op if this isn't a reverse. She fully believes her friend is just being 'nice' rather than actually jumping at the chance to spend alone time bonding as a 'family' with a guy she clearly fancies. I mean she knows the wife doesn't like her, so a decent person wouldn't talk to the guy at all anymore. Definitely not offer to go round and help play mummy for a weekend.

Thank God the guy isn't stupid too. He knows she fancies him and is probably too polite to tell her to fuck off. But at least he didn't accept the offer so he's not in it for his ego or he would have.

memyselfi · 03/07/2022 12:04

Completely inappropriate and weird .
I think all she can do is apologise.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/07/2022 12:04

I generally have no issue with men and women being friends, but the attempt to insert herself in the place of his absent wife is very, very strange. Of course he said no!

Honestly, what was she thinking? "I will come and live in your house uninvited for several days to care for your child who I have never met" is a wierd position.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 03/07/2022 12:04

Are you the ‘colleague’ OP? Because whoever made that offer was totally coming on to the man

PinkFizz1 · 03/07/2022 12:04

Surely this is a reverse and you’re the wife?
It’s totally inappropriate.

knittingaddict · 03/07/2022 12:04

I think he did the right thing. A bit sexist of your friend to think that he needs a woman to help him look after his own child for a weekend.

My husband has lots of female friends and work colleagues, but he would feel uncomfortable having one stay over in these circumstances.

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2022 12:06

Hurstlandshome · 03/07/2022 11:53

I call BS on this thread. It's so obviously unreasonable to offer to stay in a married man's home, knowing the wife doesn't approve of the friendship, coupled with the fact the offer in itself is frankly weird anyway, why would he need her to stay over?

Non-thread.

And voting disabled.