Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

[lunavista]

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

Am I right in thinking that no one has posted to say that this is appropriate? So what are the chances that two women who know each other (op and her colleague) think that it was a kind, appropriate and even necessary thing to suggest?

This is so weird and so inappropriate. If I had a male friend offer to stay at my house whilst DP was away to help, I'd feel a bit odd about it. And why would he need help? He's their parent. I wonder if she'd offer the same for a female friend?

I don't think I'd ever offer to stay at a married man's house in his wife's absence, purely out of respect for the wife.

Imagine your mother dying and you're sat there thinking of another woman playing happy families in your home.

Highly inappropriate.

☝️ this and also who would let a complete stranger look after their child?

You're friend sounds a bit full on and has a whiff of Glenn Close about her. Good for him for putting her straight.

Another vote for weird. Your friend should be mortified.

Can he not parent his own child and manage his own home for a few days?

Well done to him for pointing out that it wouldn’t be appropriate especially if the wife doesn’t like her.

She isn’t a family friend though! His wife doesn’t like her.

I didn't for one second think there was anything inappropriate about offering help

You're right there isn't - it's the context of her wanting to stay when the wife's absent that creates the "hmm", especially when she could have offered to help without doing this and the wife sounds as if she's uncomfortable with the relationship anyway

Sorry, but I also wonder if her "mortifications" is a cover for embarrassment at being (rightly) rebuffed

Also this ☝️

• plot twist it was the op who offered and there is no colleague.

The correct thing to do would have been for the colleague to ask " Can I do anything to help?" In which case, the male friend might have said " Could you drop off some groceries?" Which would have been appropriate. But barging into his house to look after the child, as if male friend has no hands? Nope.

This was my thought too. I'd be livid if sone woman from my DH work just assumed she'd take over the mum/wife role ... really odd thing to offer!

“I didn't for one second think there was anything inappropriate about offering help.”

Oh come off it OP, you are clear to mention who is married, who is single, how the wife feels about her husband’s friend. You know EXACTLY what is wrong with this offer of help.

Generic offering to help is fine, offering to stay for the weekend is a huge overstep. I am sure the man is more than capable of looking after his own child. Dropping off a meal or picking up some shopping might be helpful. Offering to stay is really over the top.

Taking care of your child by yourself for a few days is not 'a hard time'.

Is he a completely shit father or something? Why on earth would she think she needed to stay at his house? Forget inappropriate, it's bloody insulting!

Hey friend, clearly you are incompetent as an adult and a father so allow me and my mighty uterus to guide you through this challenging weekend. 🙄

She either thinks he's a moron, a pathetic father or she was indeed hoping something could happen between them.

Unless she goes round offering to stay with women to look after their kids, in which case fair enough.

Why do people keep mentioning help with the shopping?

Why would he need help with the shopping??

I'm solo parenting two young DC for the next 10 days while DH is away and also juggling work, study, etc. I also have good male friends.

Strangely enough, precisely nobody has suggested they move in with me during this time to "help", and if one of my male friends did, I'd be weirded out to fuck.

Your friend really needs boundaries. And sense.

It's so bizarre. The man is perfectly capable of shopping, I'm sure.

Friend should reply "Sorry, you are right. Realise now that is inappropriate."

It’s a slightly odd offer - you wouldn’t assume someone would need that level of help with a child under normal circumstances. If you were talking about a newborn and a toddler and he had to work and life was all going to hell in a handcart? Maybe. But not really appropriate just because the mother is away. More usual to suggest, say, meeting up for lunch somewhere child friendly.

At a stretch. IF the dad was particularly incompetent or the child was very difficult. I personally would be ashamed of my DH if he needed any help at all, unless he was ill.

I don't think the response it odd - DH would have been very offended at idea he couldn't look after his own children.

When I was pg with second and had a toddler DH was a way fair bit MIL kept coming over to help - despite her good intentions it always ended up being just more work for me - had to ask him to stop it. Someone my child hadn't even known that well - well that would have been much harder all round.

I'd find it very odd for an unrelated female to want to stop in my house if I was away for a few days and I think DH would be same with any male friend I had.

I suggested it because if I'm looking after DC by myself because DH is away my mum offers to pick up some shopping for me when she's out.

Yeah, and what's with the fuss about the shopping? Why would he need groceries dropped off? I knocked out the week's online grocery order in ten minutes last night while Netflixing. Or I could have stuck the DC in the car and driven to Tesco, but an online order is piss easy.

Yes, it was inappropriate.
It was also unkind of the male friend to be so blunt.
He could have said no thank you. And left it at that.
But perhaps your friend has form for being inappropriate.

Even ignoring the creepy undertones from the riend , the offer in itself is really intrusive. With the possible exception of DP mum anyone who offered this in our house would be seen as intrusive. Offers to help fine...this is just wierd.

I would say one of two things is happening. The friend is creepy and after the husband and you are incredibly sheltered and naive. Or the second, I suspect far more likely, your friend is a massive rescuer / saver who is ore about the ego boost fro being seen to be overly helpful (missing that it's almost always intrusive, stressful and about as much use as a chocolate teapot) and you have leanings the same way.

Do you both discuss how kind you both are, how you both just put everyone first and how you are so needed ?

This smacks of performative caring. Bordering on intrusive arrogance from your friend.

Good response from the male family friend who is handling this in a wholly appropriate manner.

Your colleague ought to anticipate further cooling of that relationship.