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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

407 replies

lunavista · 03/07/2022 11:42

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

OP posts:
NightmareSlashDelightful · 03/07/2022 12:48

Er... did you just equate looking after a child with watering some houseplants...?

Yeah she's been hugely inappropriate here, and I'm not surprised she's mortified about it. She's committed a major boundary violation. You don't just offer to move in to help random men look after their own children. Saviour complex.

TeapotTitties · 03/07/2022 12:49

I am going to see her at work tomorrow. Will update then of there has been more!

Sorry, more what?

Original poster
lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:50

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/07/2022 12:45

Think of it from the point of view of the wife.

Her mother is dying. This can be horrendous to witness and always traumatic. Her husband is looking after their child and their only contact at this time is by calls - no hugs, no bedtime routines, the approaching permanent loss of a mother and grandmother.

And then some woman says it's OK, she'll move into the house and play Mummies and Daddies with her husband?

The best outcome your 'friend' had was that he only told her that it was inappropriate, rather than to fuck right off.

Ok you painted an image for me I can't shake and it's made me text her this:

" May be think of it from his wife's point of view. It's a tough time to deal with already and now she will have to think about the motivation of another woman wanting to be in her house while she's away. Especially as you said on Friday, she's not all that keen about your friendship. Instead of being offended about his response may be you can think where he's coming from, in relation to what's happening in their family? It might be innocent but can easily be viewed as overstepping the mark"

That was a really difficult image you painted for me but thank you as it help me find the words I wanted to say to her.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 03/07/2022 12:52

why does she think he needs someone staying with him is he that useless

yes its inappropriate seeing as the wife doesnt even like her

Original poster
lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:52

TeapotTitties · 03/07/2022 12:49

I am going to see her at work tomorrow. Will update then of there has been more!

Sorry, more what?

I don't know, if she has messaged him back and what she would have said for example?

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 03/07/2022 12:52

This thread makes you seem overly invested in this, OP.

Why would you care enough to start a thread looking for reassurance that your friend doesn’t need to be mortified?

Original poster
lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:53

RenegadeMatron · 03/07/2022 12:52

This thread makes you seem overly invested in this, OP.

Why would you care enough to start a thread looking for reassurance that your friend doesn’t need to be mortified?

Because she texted me in hysterics and I was trying to calm her to see that she hasn't done anything wrong ( which now I stand corrected). Honestly, is it difficult to understand that people might want opinions from platforms like this one? That's what they are for!

OP posts:
Original poster
lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:54

RenegadeMatron · 03/07/2022 12:52

This thread makes you seem overly invested in this, OP.

Why would you care enough to start a thread looking for reassurance that your friend doesn’t need to be mortified?

Also I am in a train and have nothing better to do... so there's that

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 03/07/2022 12:54

Sorry but I think its inappropriate too. I would think that, he is perfectly capable of parenting his own child. Personally I wouldn't mind if it were a mother/sister/aunty offering, but I wouldn't think it appropriate for a female friend to stay over. She offered and he is allowed to decline her offer. Sounds like her feelings were hurt, as she took it too personally.

2bazookas · 03/07/2022 12:55

He put up the KEEP OUT sign.

Whatever's going on in that family is not your colleagues business, she just needs to step BACK ( and stop gossiping about someone else's private business).

TeapotTitties · 03/07/2022 12:56

lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:52

I don't know, if she has messaged him back and what she would have said for example?

Show quote history

Are you loving the drama here by any chance?

You want to keep a public forum updated about this woman's husband and your friend, while the poor woman is dealing with her dying mother?

Have you thought about taking up a different hobby?

TeapotTitties · 03/07/2022 12:57

Also I am in a train and have nothing better to do...so there's that

Clearly nothing better to do...

But you could try telling your 'hysterical' friend to grow up too.

Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 12:57

RenegadeMatron · 03/07/2022 12:52

This thread makes you seem overly invested in this, OP.

Why would you care enough to start a thread looking for reassurance that your friend doesn’t need to be mortified?

I think she was just looking for a different opinions. As this was her friend it’s sometimes hard to see the bigger picture, when you know the person as well as OP does.

In her eyes, her friend is just trying to be helpful, but through the eyes of others her friend come across as a bit of a predator - I for one, am not convinced she isn’t.

waterrat · 03/07/2022 12:58

Ok - here is my reading of what happened. Your friend is in 'hysterics' over his refusal - ?? She is WAY too emotionally invested in this situation and in her friendship/ relationship with this male colleague

I and my husband both have weekends alone with our children all the time - I cannot think of a single time in my ten years as a parent where anybody other than very close family like my mum has offered to help us.

If she already knew the woman wasn't keen on her - then it's totally ridiculous that she offered to step in and get involved.

It's very odd to offer the help in this situation and her emotions afterwards make me think she has a massive crush on him and is a bit of a cow. sorry.

RenegadeMatron · 03/07/2022 12:58

lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:53

Because she texted me in hysterics and I was trying to calm her to see that she hasn't done anything wrong ( which now I stand corrected). Honestly, is it difficult to understand that people might want opinions from platforms like this one? That's what they are for!

Show quote history

You can post about whatever you like - it’s a free country.

I’m just observing that you seem very invested in this. People usually post looking for advice on situations they’re actually in.

GrazingSheep · 03/07/2022 13:00

Is your friend aware you are posting all of this? Is her male friend aware? Is his wife aware?

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 03/07/2022 13:01

What a peculiar thread. You and your friend both sound overly dramatic and quite bonkers to be honest.

Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 13:01

lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:50

Ok you painted an image for me I can't shake and it's made me text her this:

" May be think of it from his wife's point of view. It's a tough time to deal with already and now she will have to think about the motivation of another woman wanting to be in her house while she's away. Especially as you said on Friday, she's not all that keen about your friendship. Instead of being offended about his response may be you can think where he's coming from, in relation to what's happening in their family? It might be innocent but can easily be viewed as overstepping the mark"

That was a really difficult image you painted for me but thank you as it help me find the words I wanted to say to her.

Show quote history

That was a good response to your friend OP. I’m glad you didn’t try to lessen the impact of her inappropriate offer. It will give her something to think about and to adjust her boundaries.

However, I can’t help but think she was testing the water…

TeapotTitties · 03/07/2022 13:02

GrazingSheep · 03/07/2022 13:00

Is your friend aware you are posting all of this? Is her male friend aware? Is his wife aware?

Doubt it but as long as it keeps the OP amused on her train journey.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/07/2022 13:03

All the people saying it's weird - would it be weird for a female friend to offer to help another female friend? Probably not so this is about what the wife will think, or even what the neighbours will think.
If it were me I'd just reply 'oh, Ok then, let me know if there is anything else I can do to help'.

boopdeflouff · 03/07/2022 13:03

She just needs to reply, 'I understand, sorry if I caused any unintentional discomfort.'

Or something along those lines.

WimpoleHat · 03/07/2022 13:03

It's very odd to offer the help in this situation and her emotions afterwards make me think she has a massive crush on him and is a bit of a cow. sorry.

Yes - her reaction is odd too. If I offered to do something kind for a man and got a “no, no - my wife” response, I think I’d take offence that that’s what he’d thought of me, if you see what I mean. And would give back a “don’t flatter yourself, Brian” type response and feel aggrieved about it. The hysterics suggest she’s genuinely very invested in this man, which is not likely to be a helpful dynamic.

2bazookas · 03/07/2022 13:04

Because she texted me in hysterics

??? She offered help to a colleague you don't know, who declined it and she texted you in hysterics?"

That's not normal.

Don't ever tell that person any of your private stuff.

SherbertLemonDrop · 03/07/2022 13:04

Why would he need help to look after his own child alone for 1 weekend? I did it alone for 12 years. He is right is would be inappropriate it sounds like your friend is trying to play happy families and upset the wife when she is down.

AquaticSewingMachine · 03/07/2022 13:05

If your friend is in hysterics over this, at best she's really overinvested in this man and needs some other stuff going on in her life, and/or to grow up.