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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

407 replies

lunavista · 03/07/2022 11:42

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

OP posts:
JamesDUNN · 04/07/2022 02:00

You may see beauty, but we see hate.

JamesDUNN · 04/07/2022 02:03

If the hat fits...

CelestiaNoctis · 04/07/2022 02:08

Wtf does she even know his kid. I'm sure he's capable of taking care of his own child. Very weird.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/07/2022 06:06

Inappropriate.

PeekAtYou · 04/07/2022 09:32

Bizarre thread.

"I know your wife isn't keen on me but she's away so I'd like to move in and play mummy to your child. "

I'm glad that this man has healthy boundaries and said no. This person is not kind and selfless as you think. At worst she wants to get in his pants. At best she helps people because of the attention it brings. Hysterics is a bizarre reaction to have. A normal person who would be embarrassed because they'd said something which implies that he's such a crap dad that a childless person would do better and that they think it's normal to invite themselves to a house where the wife doesn't like her. It's easy to see why the wife isn't keen.

Sirius3030 · 04/07/2022 09:36

Assuming we are talking white English culture here, probably just inappropriate. In other cultures it would be regarded as much more extreme.

SheepingStandingUp · 04/07/2022 09:51

So you have no friend other than your wife? What about these other men you know? How can you bare to share your life with them when you should be with your wife?? Who's looking after the children when you see these men???

SheepingStandingUp · 04/07/2022 09:53

SheepingStandingUp · 04/07/2022 09:51

So you have no friend other than your wife? What about these other men you know? How can you bare to share your life with them when you should be with your wife?? Who's looking after the children when you see these men???

@JamesDUNN

sslz82pe · 04/07/2022 10:32

Can I just say gold star to the man in this for maintaining boundaries? I know it should be the norm to maintain boundaries but it so often isn't the case. So it's heartening to read on here something a bit different.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 04/07/2022 13:42

Your friend seriously needs to get a grip, texting you in 'hysterics' and by being ' mortified' that her male friend/acquaintance demonstrated strong, appropriate boundaries.
If I were your friend, I wouldn't have hesitated to reply with something along the lines of "Thanks for your text. I can appreciate now that my offer of help may have been overstepping a boundary and I'm sorry, as I truly didn't believe I was suggesting anything that may have been construed as inappropriate. Thinking of you will during this sad time".

Meraas · 04/07/2022 13:55

sslz82pe · 04/07/2022 10:32

Can I just say gold star to the man in this for maintaining boundaries? I know it should be the norm to maintain boundaries but it so often isn't the case. So it's heartening to read on here something a bit different.

A gold star to a man for something as basic as not letting a women temporarily move into his house, that his wife doesn't like?

Is the bar really so low?

Palmfrond · 04/07/2022 14:08

This is hilarious. So many sad dads waiting for their work “friend” to offer to come over and “help” while the wife’s away, and she picks the one who told her to bog off!

That said, not so easy to get away with, I mean, what would the neighbours say??

Original poster
lunavista · 04/07/2022 14:26

Just an update. So I spoke to her at work today. She was explaining that her mortification comes as he's a family friend, that's is to say he's friend with other members of her family as well, and her offer of help was naive but she meant nothing by it. I did show her this thread and honestly, having seen her reaction in person ( not texting in capitals and crying emojis and lots of OMFG!!) , has completely converted me to your sensible side. I don't believe any longer that her intentions are innocent.

Anyway, she replied with apology and didn't mean it to sound inappropriate and left it at that. But, I think the embarrassment and drama jas come from feeling rejected and that gossip might go around the rest of her family. This is my new assessment.

To those of you who are saying why are you invested in this and if I am the friend ( some even said there is ok doubt about ) honestly, are you this suspicious and sceptical about everything. Sometimes things are just as they seem they are! Calm down.

I have personally learned a lesson from this and that's what life is all about.

Have a lovely day and I will move on from this now! Thank you to all of you, even the nasty ones.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2022 14:59

Meraas · 04/07/2022 13:55

A gold star to a man for something as basic as not letting a women temporarily move into his house, that his wife doesn't like?

Is the bar really so low?

Show quote history

I think the gold star is for not trying to pussyfoot around and make excuses (like every second thread on here). He just said it was inappropriate, because it was, and didn't have a bar of it.

Assertive boundaries are rare actually.

HerTableLaid · 04/07/2022 16:07

sslz82pe · 04/07/2022 10:32

Can I just say gold star to the man in this for maintaining boundaries? I know it should be the norm to maintain boundaries but it so often isn't the case. So it's heartening to read on here something a bit different.

Whereas I think his response is hilarious in getting all prissy about having Another Woman in the house in the absence of his wife, when the obvious response is surely, ‘Eh, thanks, but why on earth do you think I need live-in help to look after my own child???’

VodselForDinner · 04/07/2022 16:09

I did show her this thread… I don't believe any longer that her intentions are innocent.

So the friendship is over then? Because she knows how to access this thread now, and knows your real thoughts.

SleeplessInEngland · 04/07/2022 16:10

She's right to be mortified. In the context of the wife's absence it's a really weird thing to offer, and he can surely look after his own child fine anyway.

RainCoffeeBook · 04/07/2022 16:13

She's offensive and dim for suggesting he needs help parenting his own kid. That silly suggestion then does make it sound like she's inviting herself for a weekend sleepover. To a colleague! Not even a friend. Yikes. She has to emigrate, it's the only way.

Meraas · 04/07/2022 16:15

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2022 14:59

I think the gold star is for not trying to pussyfoot around and make excuses (like every second thread on here). He just said it was inappropriate, because it was, and didn't have a bar of it.

Assertive boundaries are rare actually.

Show quote history

Good point.

Jedsnewstar · 04/07/2022 16:18

It sounds like your friend was trying it on. I think the wife’s instincts about your friend are spot on. You and your friend abvvu.

beautyisthefaceisee · 04/07/2022 16:18

SheepingStandingUp · 04/07/2022 09:51

So you have no friend other than your wife? What about these other men you know? How can you bare to share your life with them when you should be with your wife?? Who's looking after the children when you see these men???

😂

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 16:42

sslz82pe · 04/07/2022 10:32

Can I just say gold star to the man in this for maintaining boundaries? I know it should be the norm to maintain boundaries but it so often isn't the case. So it's heartening to read on here something a bit different.

Wtf?

RenegadeMatron · 04/07/2022 16:52

RainCoffeeBook · 04/07/2022 16:13

She's offensive and dim for suggesting he needs help parenting his own kid. That silly suggestion then does make it sound like she's inviting herself for a weekend sleepover. To a colleague! Not even a friend. Yikes. She has to emigrate, it's the only way.

It’s the OP and crazy lady who are colleagues.

The man and crazy lady are friends.

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 17:06

There’s two “crazy ladies” in this scenario

UndertheCedartree · 04/07/2022 17:08

lunavista · 04/07/2022 14:26

Just an update. So I spoke to her at work today. She was explaining that her mortification comes as he's a family friend, that's is to say he's friend with other members of her family as well, and her offer of help was naive but she meant nothing by it. I did show her this thread and honestly, having seen her reaction in person ( not texting in capitals and crying emojis and lots of OMFG!!) , has completely converted me to your sensible side. I don't believe any longer that her intentions are innocent.

Anyway, she replied with apology and didn't mean it to sound inappropriate and left it at that. But, I think the embarrassment and drama jas come from feeling rejected and that gossip might go around the rest of her family. This is my new assessment.

To those of you who are saying why are you invested in this and if I am the friend ( some even said there is ok doubt about ) honestly, are you this suspicious and sceptical about everything. Sometimes things are just as they seem they are! Calm down.

I have personally learned a lesson from this and that's what life is all about.

Have a lovely day and I will move on from this now! Thank you to all of you, even the nasty ones.

I have to say that is one of the things I find really tedious about MN - so many people like to try and 'read between the lines' and just make up their own version of what has happened. So many can't take a post at face value. So many people also like to go off on a tangent about something else that wasn't the point of the thread and hound the OP about it. Being autistic I am very straightforward with what I post and having posters be skeptical about every single detail is beyond boring.