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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to work.

824 replies

kahase72 · 03/07/2022 01:06

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

OP posts:

Hunderland · 03/07/2022 01:08

Assuming your youngest will be leaving home soon, then what will you do?

Work (the right work) has a lot of other benefits - social, feeling valued, etc.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/07/2022 01:12

You cannot independently choose to be financially supported by another adult if they are not happy to financially support you.

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 01:13

I was a sahm for over a decade. Truthfully, I hate working. It brings nothing to my life. I would happily stay at home forever and not get bored.
In your case, as your youngest child is 15 i think yabu but I totally understand!

PinkCheetah · 03/07/2022 01:14

What will you do now your kids aren't kids anymore? There's lots of options for flexible working too if you still want to be around for the 15yo

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 01:16

Hunderland · 03/07/2022 01:08

Assuming your youngest will be leaving home soon, then what will you do?

Work (the right work) has a lot of other benefits - social, feeling valued, etc.

Her youngest is 15...they won't be leaving home soon. It's not the 1960s. They'll be at home for another decade I'd imagine.

As for the benefits of working....well, you've drunk the kool aid haven't you?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2022 01:16

If your DH isn't happy with it, you are basically sponging.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 03/07/2022 01:17

Why don't you want to go back to work? What are the main reasons your DH wants you to work now? (as you say you don't really need the money).
If your youngest child is 15 years old then going back to work could be good for you and give you some financial independence, you could always do part time so you still have plenty of time at home.

MissConductUS · 03/07/2022 01:19

YABU. How would you feel about being the sole earner now that the kids are grown? Your job as a SAHM is done.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/07/2022 01:21

Why should your husband have to go to work and continue to fund your life through. I can see where he’s coming from
. he has to continue working full time (I assume) and your life just gets easier and easier now the kids are bigger. They don’t need looking after anymore. So I can’t see your justification for not contributing to the household.

Noonereallyinteresing · 03/07/2022 01:25

Is husband happy to pick up the slack with house keeping tasks when you are back in work? How much is a laundry service your area? How about a cleaner? Meal prep service? All things husband needs to consider!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/07/2022 01:25

Maybe your husband wants you to go back to work not that he’s sick of being the sole support for a family of five but perhaps that he thinks you’ll be less of a bore once you’ve got some form of outside interest other than housekeeping

Silverswirl · 03/07/2022 01:29

If you don’t want to go back to work that’s fine but tricky I guess if your husband doesn’t want to be the only earner.
I have been a SAHM for 13 years and I never want to go back to fixed hours with someone telling me I have to be somewhere at a certain time.
I found a way to WFH self employed that lets me work when I want, for however long I want. Doesn’t bring in stacks of cash but it’s enough for luxuries like holidays, days out, expensive activities. I love it and can be out lots of days in the week socialising, go away for long weekends or over nights, go for walks with friends, attend every single event during the day my kids are in, volunteer at the school if my kids want me to help with their class, drop off and pick up every day which I love. Most of all it gives me a purpose during the days I’m at home, gives me a challenge and gives me focus for learning so many new skills

Itsnot · 03/07/2022 01:35

i wouldn’t go back in your position. Enjoy not working. It’s great.

MrsMontyD · 03/07/2022 01:39

Nobody (well hardly anybody) wants to work.

Unfortunately if your DH is no longer willing to support you financially then something needs to change.

Penfelyn · 03/07/2022 01:39

Frankly it's hard to give you advice because I struggle to understand you. I was never a SAHP but I did stay home for 4 months when my children were born, and I hated it. The drudgery of it. Never seeing another adult. And looking after a small baby is mostly excruciatingly boring. I don't regret it as now that my kids are older it's delightful to interact with them and get to see their personality shine through but the early years, dear god.

I was delighted to go back to work tbh and I never want to give up my job.

But anyway, even if you're happy staying home, it doesn't seem reasonable. How would you feel if your DH told you he wants to stop working and you'll need to have a full time job to support the two of you ?

Obviously if he doesn't already he'll have to do a 50/50 share of the housework when you go back to work, but aside from that no I don't think it's reasonable to never work again.

If the issue is that you didn't like your pre-kids job and you want/need to retrain first so you can work in a different field, that's reasonable enough if you can afford it.

But if the issue is that you just can't be arsed to work then that's pretty unreasonable. Personally I'd probably separate if I had a spouse and they refused to have a job.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2022 01:45

As for the benefits of working....well, you've drunk the kool aid haven't you?!

It's evolutionarily normal to do tasks about 20-40 hours a week. That's what our bodies and brains are built for. Feed ourselves, care for others, produce clothing and shelter. It's not kool aid to suggest we are made for purpose.

And of course it's possible to do productive, interesting stuff at home. But if no one is willing to support our need to food and shelter, it makes sense to work. There are plenty of jobs to suit different personality types. Mine is perfect for me.

fallfallfall · 03/07/2022 01:49

pension pension pension, two are better than one. you need to work to put into one.
next conversation and mental stimulation with other adults, unless your independently wealthy and choose to volunteer at the library you should do this so that you and your dh can have a varied and interesting chat about things other than dc once retired.

VimFuego101 · 03/07/2022 01:56

😂 I don't want to work either. Unfortunately I need to make sure I save for a pension and so that we still have an income if my husband was to become unwell or unable to work suddenly - you never know what life will throw at you and it's better to work while you're able to do so. What are your plans for finding your retirement? I know you get an NI 'stamp' for your contributions if you're claiming child benefit but that's probably pretty close to ending for you. Does your husband pay into a pension for you? What would you do if he announced he wanted to separate?

Rainbowqueeen · 03/07/2022 01:59

That’s really unfair. You are supposed to be a team.

You might not need the money for day yo day living but what if your DH would like to retire early? That’s taking away his opportunity to do that.

you need to have a chat about this. Who will do the housework etc? If he does nothing then he needs to step up in that area. Otherwise he is being unfair

KohlaParasaurus · 03/07/2022 02:00

My DH was a SAHP for several years and would rather not have gone back to work when the youngest child left school. I was worn out with the stress of having sole responsibility for bringing in an income and couldn't get my head round an adult who claimed to love me being willing to use me as a meal ticket. Our marriage wouldn't have survived if he hadn't got a job.

PollyPatella8 · 03/07/2022 02:02

Mmmmm. I am honestly getting suspicious about these sahp v wohp threads now. There have been so many of them of late in various guises. AIBU to think they are automatically generated on this site once posting levels drop below a certain figure.😄?

Nimo12 · 03/07/2022 02:03

Hardly anyone wants to work. I bet your husband doesn't want to either. Stop sponging and contribute to your household. It's unfair on him.

DockOTheBay · 03/07/2022 02:03

Not fair on your husband. If you worked a few days a week, maybe he could drop down to 4 days to help with housework. Seems a lot fairer than one person working full time and one not at all. And I don't think there are 40 hours of housework to do per week, so its nowhere near comparable.

stuntbubbles · 03/07/2022 02:03

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2022 01:16

If your DH isn't happy with it, you are basically sponging.

This. What happens if your DH decides he doesn’t want to work either?

ProfessorFusspot · 03/07/2022 02:24

If the two of you made the decision together that you would do the bulk of the childcare (and I'm guessing the bulk of other household chores) then it makes sense that the two of you would cooperate to decide whether and how that arrangement continues. Of course, your work and your presence at home have saved your family a great deal of money over the years, particularly in the cost of childcare (which for many couples is the equivalent of what the "SAH" partner could make working full time).

However, your being out of paid work for so long puts you individually at a significant disadvantage economically, a disadvantage that your husband has likely completely avoided due to your efforts. Depending on the work you did before and what skills and credentials you have, you may find it difficult to return to your previous field (you may need to switch fields or retrain), and you may find you're not able to find a job at the current equivalent of your old salary level - you may struggle at first to find anything. Your husband needs to understand this and support you if you need to do some kind of coursework or gain some credentials before you go back.

It does make sense to look into your options now and see how best to go forward, rather than waiting until there's a real economic crunch and you need to take whatever you can get in a rush. Do an inventory of your skills and take a look at who's hiring in your area and if there are gaps you can identify such as new technologies or professional qualifications which may not have been needed when you left.

There's a "Back to Work" section on MN which might be useful. Also if you had a professional job previously, take a look at "returneeships" - you may be in a good position to apply for a program which will pay you while helping you bring your existing skills up to date and possibly retrain in a related area - here's an example just to give you an idea - https://womenreturners.com/returners/returner-opportunities-programmes/.

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