To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

What is your pension forecast? Can you live on that? Do you have your own savings? Where would you live if you DH moves out, and forces the house sale?

If you are independently wealthy, then it's fine not to work if you don't want to.

If you're expecting your DH to support you financially, then that only works if he is happy to do that, and it sounds like he isn't.

What would you do if he decided that he didn't want to work any more either?

How vile towards another woman whose brought up children for 18 years

I'm bringing up my children too. I work.

If her youngest is 15 she's had kids in school for over decade. That's 30 hours a week. All the cleaning and laundry and life admin in the world doesnt take anything like 30 hours a week.

Sounds like childcare isn’t an issue now for the OP - but there does need to be a conversation about a budget for retraining, who does the grocery shopping/washing etc. And not a “carry on as we are but now you have to take some low paid job that you hate on my say so”.

With a youngest child aged 15, I'm willing to be op has leisure time of about 25 hours a week as well as doing shopping, cleaning and washing. Its not unreasonable to expect a grown woman to do a full time jobs work of productive labour a week. She can choose a job but she does need to bloody get one.

When DD was little I was happy to be a SAHM. DH didn't really want me to work and I was happy to agree. We had a vague nebulous notion that one day in the future I'd get a part time job and that suited me fine.

Then I was diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune condition which has left me with limited mobility and ill every day. The drugs I inject for it weekly give me awful side effects. All of which taken together is incompatible with being able to work.

I feel useless, isolated (I have no friends) and like a complete burden. DH never makes me feel that way - he's perfectly happy to be the breadwinner and to be able to take care of me. But we have a fairly low income for two people to live on and can't afford things like holidays or for DH to learn to drive or whatever. It gets me down so much that I can't contribute and I would give anything to be able to work but having not had a job for 26 years, no references and being disabled, that's not going to happen.

I see other couples enjoying their finally child-free lives and I feel so sad that we can't do that, because of me. DH sometimes makes comments about 'Well, you can do that when you have two incomes' and it does make me worried that he resents me a little bit, although I know I'm probably being over sensitive because it's something that gets me down so much.

OP, if you can work, I really truly recommend that you do. It's not just about money - it's about self worth, not feeling isolated, contributing financially and so much more. If someone offered me a job tomorrow I'd be absolutely over the moon.

I have just returned to work at the age of 52, after about a four year break which started off as study but then some health issues and on top of that pandemic and I lost my way somewhat.

Prior to this, I have always worked and was the bigger earner, significantly so in the early years of our marriage. My husband did not ask me to go back to work, but he is pleased that I have as he thinks it is good for me. He says he was happy to be the sole earner, he would say I have “done my bit” as we are mortgage free largely down to me paying it off.

But I knew it was not right for me to not work. It felt lazy and also as a woman in my 50s I felt I was making myself more unemployable with every day and kept thinking that there may be a scenario in the future where I really need to work and I am making it harder and harder to get back into the workforce the longer I am out of it. I am also five years off my full NI contributions and wanted to get that.

So I have returned to the workforce, to a low paid, part time office job, very different to my professional career that I got tired of. It is nice to have set hours and to be able to switch off at the end of the day. I need to take care with my work as obviously I don’t want to make mistakes, but it isn’t challenging for me and I don’t want challenging work. I think extra social interaction is good, but mainly the job keeps me in the workforce and if needs change I can step it up.

I think refusing to work and expecting the other adult to do everything when they have said that they do not wish to is not good. It is not a bad time to try to renter the workforce now with low unemployment, if you wait until that day when you find you have to go back, it could be a different story. I would dip your toe now.

Yes YABU. It has to be a joint decision.

You’ve had a very long time off already. If one of you doesn’t need to work then he should stop working and you should start; it’s only fair.

I had ten years out and was really not keen to return to work. My husband was a very high earner so no point going back when babies were little as I loved being at home and he had long hours. Lifestyle change meant it was sensible for me to work too and my youngest started school.
I found a masters course that looked like it might lead to useful work and I did this part time (I was even stressed about what people wore to uni nowadays!). I gradually improved on my scores and ended up with a very good masters from a very good uni. Then failed to find a job because of lockdown. After the first lockdown I took another maternity cover role at quite a low level. This was great. Meant I learnt about new computer programmes, designing user end of website and analysing data, organising meetings and sharing files on Teams, it was just updating my skills but being paid for it. There were deadlines but nothing super important. I also had good exposure to the kind of roles I might like. I did try to interview for one and despite my academic qualifications matching, my recent experience was lacking so that was useful to understand what I should aim to acquire.
We also realised that me working full- time was too stressful for us. So I went for a part time role, which is another contract and is filling in some practical experience that was lacking. I’ll hope then to springboard into another role that may actually pay me closer to what I think I am worth.
I am still not madly keen to be in a physical office and am very grateful to mostly work from home. So that does make it easier as I am still in my kitchen with the dog and I can pop out and garden if I am thinking about something or go for a blood test or whatever.

I still take the lion share of school organising, volunteering on trips etc., also all the laundry, meal planning and lots of life admin. But that said it has still been a real recalibration of our relationship and, although, stressful it has been valuable. I feel happier telling people what I do and to have some interesting stories to share rather than just being a human support animal.
My husband is likely to have a major job change soon which will entail much more travel and much more pay. So in theory I could go back to SAHM life but I really don’t think either of us would want that. Which to be honest is surprising to me.
Good luck, it is a real shock but I think ultimately a very good thing to do for yourself and your family.

I agree. I'd love not to work.

Unfortunately I didn't marry someone rich and have to work. That leaves me with a horribly judgemental attitude towards people who choose to let others pay for their life of leisure.

Wow some harsh responses

if he was able to further his career whilst to it did all the work at home, it is kind of unfair of him to imply you are both equally employable

you are not

getting a job at 40 or 50 after 20 years of not working is not easy, also it would likely be much less paid than his

I mean, I still would (and did) but I am only working part time even though youngest is 17, as DH does nothing in the house. When he starts cooking, food shopping and cleaning and walking the dogs, that’s when I will consider full time (that will never happen, me being a housewife 20 yrs means he simply had no idea how much stuff there is to do)

What I'm saying in that comment is to posters who've cried sponger, how about giving practical support to the OP rather than hurling insults.

it really is not as simplistic as "go out and get a job", it will need to be a stepwise approach.

as for people "feeling sorry for the DH" don't make me laugh. The world has been designed for patriarchal advantage forever. The DH has enjoyed all the matrimonial benefits of childcare, home, life admin for two decades, while having the opportunity to build their career unencumbered by that daily grind.

one can only hope the DH is just mentioning the job, to start the conversation and not clicking their fingers and expecting it all to get magically resolved #maleprivilegealiveandkicking

You take such a risk with only one earner. At any point he could be made redundant, become ill or leave you. By saying you won’t work you say he must work full time and keep at the same level. That’s not fair or thoughtful.

There's a lot of pressure in being the sole earner. A lot. Everything rests on you. If you want to change career, or slow down a bit, tough as the family needs the money.

Additionally, you are in a very vulnerable position right now if you don't have any marketable skills. In the event something awful happens and you MUST go back to work, your lack of recent experience will be a problem.

See it as an opportunity to do or learn something new that interests you. What did you do before?

I’m lucky enough to be able to choose, I choose to work for social reasons, 3/4 days at the local supermarket, living wage only but the perks are good and I really enjoy it. It keeps me active, OH doesn’t mind either way, so as long as I’m fit enough I will continue.

Why don't you volunteer a few hours somewhere. Just to dip your toe back into working life. You might find you actually do want a job. I've been sahm for almost 10 years due to having 3 dc. I used to feel like you do. But I I've been volunteering since the start of the year and it's really, really good. I love everything about it and I can't wait to have a paid job now.

Is he willing to actually discuss the practicalities of your returning to work or is it a case of him wanting his life to continue as it is but with you working as well as doing his laundry for example?

The DH has enjoyed all the matrimonial benefits of childcare, home, life admin for two decades, while having the opportunity to build their career unencumbered by that daily grind.

People on these threads tend to go quickly to this. It's probably true to an extent - but having been the higher earner myself, it's also not uncommon for the main earner to feel absolutely trapped in a job, terrified if redundancies are coming around, and sad about missing out on relationships with the DC and (yes) having time during the week for exercise. I'd feel extremely resentful once all DCs are older and at school and in particular once they're old enough that you're not even walking them there and back.

I also would be willing to bet that (assuming OP is real and coming back), if husband is a high earner, she's had a cleaner throughout, not been stuck scrubbing floors all day.

None of that stuff amounts to a full time job. If OP works part time she would still have plenty of time to do all of those other tasks.

it’s crazy that in 2022 people still think running a house is a full time job. It used to be when we didn’t have vacuum cleaners, washing machines, electric ovens and hot water tanks. It’s just not the case now.

Think of it as a house share. The person you are living with is essentially saying they are not prepared to continue to support both of you as the sole earner any longer. Whereas he cannot force you to go back to work, he can withdraw his financial support in the form it is currently in. That's his call.
Does he want to cut down on hours to spend more time in the home too, enjoying domestic life? Does he usually fit in his share of home care and maintenance in his spare time, whereas your share of keeping your home ticking over is done as part of your SAHP working day? As in, after you have worked 8-5 as a SAHP five days a week, do you really need to do extra chores on top of that, such as spend a few hours in the evenings or on weekends painting the fences, fixing a shed roof, maintaining the car and bikes, trimming hedges etc?
You should agree a basic level of expected domestic work for you to undertake in the week, and how long that might reasonably take. Anything over and above that can be shared by both of you in both your spare time. If you find that it would be reasonable for you to complete the week's domestic work in 20 hours as opposed to 40, you can look to return to work for the remaining 20 hours?
I could only support my DP being a SAHP if I was 100% certain that he worked every bit as hard as me during my hours at work, that the work he did at home had been agreed by both of us as being essential to us maintaining the smooth running of our lives and allocated a reasonable timeframe.

As PP have said, you can't not work if your DH doesn't want to support you because it's unfair.

Nobody 'wants' to work...but that's a luxury most of us can't afford!! Get your arse into a job!! 18 years of being completely financially dependent on your DH?? Your children don't need you at home now...ffs find your dignity and stop relying on your husband to bankroll you 😱

Completely agree with this. And the working partner is solely responsibly for making sure there is enough pension to support two adults for up to 30 years post retirement. That’s not fair at all. If OP has never worked then she won’t even be entitled to a state pension.

What if your DH decided he didn't want to work either? 🙄

You're a healthy adult with no small children - there's no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't go and get a job. I think your DH has been a saint enabling you not to work for two decades, in all honesty.

Why should he work full time until retirement why you stay at home and enjoy your leisure time? That's not a very nice way to treat your husband imo.

I don’t want to work and would love to be a SAHM. If you can fill your days and be happy then I don’t think I would want to work either, you have a very cushy life right now. Could you do something for 2/3 days a week, like work in a super market as a compromise?

Bonus if you can get into Sainburys / M&S etc for
the discount 🤣

Why don't you want to work? What do you do all day that intellectually stretches you?
Why do you think it is a bad idea to increase your pension pot?
Why wouldn't you want to do something outside of the home that makes you feel valued, that adds structure to your week?
Why would you want your husband to feel the pressure of being the sole earner?

Not all jobs are awful. I love mine. I work part time, and my work life balance is perfect for me. At 63 I do not feel ready to give up work yet. I feel challenged and valued. I like the structure it gives to my week. I have a reason to get up most mornings. It adds to the family income and my pension, and it means that I can be guarantor to my student daughter.