To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

I've never wanted to work. I've spent 35 years working though. I worked full time for almost 30 years, I had a year of maternity leave when DS was born and have worked 3/4 days a week for the last 17 years

I sooooo want to stop work ( DH who loves work and earns more than twice my salary is encouraging me to stop but I can't seem to bring myself to because I'd feel too dependant) ,.so I understand I really do but I also think of your husband is not happy to be the only one working that you need to take that into account

Your husband might like the respite of not carrying the family’s finances on his own shoulders. That’s quite some pressure.

Oops meant worked 😊 20 years ft, not 30.

Come on now, your 15 year old does not need a stay at home mum?
Once they're school aged (assuming no SEN) you're not a stay at home mum, you're just unemployed.
I think a job would be good for you and I don't see why you would be happy to just live off your husband forever 🤷🏼‍♀️ do you have daughters? Would you be happy if they did the same one day or worried about their independence?

Your reality is that, having been out of the workforce for the past 18 years, any skills you may have had before, will not be fit for purpose for the current computerised workplace. You are significantly at a disadvantage and will be unlikely to magically "get a job" at the drop of a hat.

What you need to do is get your husband on-side with your reality, such that there will need to be a period of upskilling to some extent even for basic admin roles or a job in a supermarket, where numeracy and literacy skills are expected. If your husband is in the real world, he will recognise it isn't that easy and will support your steps back into the workplace.

where to start, based on you saying you don't have any immediate financial pressure to work:

• do some web research into basic roles and what skills are needed
• check on websites such as Indeed for job types to get some realistic ideas of what is available nowadays.
• consider volunteering to give your time to something that is worthwhile and will also build your confidence and basic office skills. Good for the CV
• Look into courses at your local FE college, for basic IT skills eg Office365 packages.

I think people who are branding you a sponger are shockingly rude and would never say that to your face, so why say it on here. How vile towards another woman whose brought up children for 18 years. Where is the sisterhood on here??

Jesus, no one wants to fucking work. Your poor husband probably doesn't either.

How long does Stay at Home Mum last as a legit role, into their 20s?

I meant to add, although you say you don't want to work, I'm wondering if some of that is that it's an overwhelming prospect to have to get into work after almost two decades of not being employed. You only have to look on here to know it can feel a daunting task being in work and easier not to venture out there, but it's worth giving it a try.

It must have been lovely to be a sahm for so long. You have been very lucky. But I can understand why your dp thinks you should work now. As we head into recession, it is certainly better to have two incomes and he has taken on the sole responsibility for long enough. I can understand why you are hesitant. It has been a long time so will be a big adjustment for you, but it could also be an exciting time and there are so many benefits.

How much is a laundry service your area? How about a cleaner? Meal prep service?

with respect to the OP after 18 years of being a housewife she’s not exactly going to swan into some 60 hour a week executive role where these services would be necessary or justified.

pretty sure she can work 35 hours a week at Tesco and still swill a loo brush round a couple of times a week. It’s not like she’s going to be coming home from work and prepping for a pitch to Japanese investors….

her children are all perfectly capable of ironing their uniform/clothes, making simple dinners once a week and helping with the housework.

OP I’m a bit embarrassed for you. I’d be ashamed if I’d raised a child to have your attitude and values. Get a job!

Who will support you when he leaves, OP?

Think of a volunteer job initially for say two mornings a week. You may enjoy it more than you think. It will give you an up to date reference for any jobs.

Yep - can't understand it

Why does he want you to work? Is he worried you will be bored? Unfulfilled? Does he not want to support you? Are you happy? You need to talk and understand where each other is coming from.

Think how nice the extra money would be. You could treat yourself, take better holidays and build up a nest egg to support your youngest at Uni. Then the pension situation - it’s really important to work towards being comfortable in later life.

Absolutely this .

It's too much pressure expecting husband to work a whole lifetime to support someone , what if he burns out or wants a sabbatical. Financially I would never leave myself unprotected if he leaves , dies , becomes unwell.

Maybe he would like to retire at a decent age and your working could help make that a reality. You sound very selfish.

How will you manage financially if he leaves you or dies?

What's your pension provision like?

Energy bills and the cost of living will increase again in the autumn, can your husband really afford to financially support the family alone?

What do you do all day when the kids are at school?

Well if this was a man who was a SAHD & the wife now wanted him to work I would support her. I think you can only stay at home if both partners are on board. It's also not just the money, perhaps your DH dislikes the pressure of being the sole earner or wants to reduce his hours.

@Silverswirl that's interesting what is it you do?

How much is a laundry service your area? How about a cleaner? Meal prep service?
That didn't take long! I assume I must be super woman as I manage all of those whilst still working a full time job.....
Things will change OP, your husband might have to clean the bathroom now and again and your 15 year old might have to throw in a load of washing here and there but they are now at the point where they are 'excuses' rather than reasons to stay at home.
Simply saying to your husband that you don't want to work will go down like a lead balloon, does he want to work? Maybe he fancies you earning the main income while he has the next 18 years at home.

Pension

Adult independence

Participation in the world and contribution to it

Being interesting

Not sponging on the rest of us

I’m in two minds. The family benefited from you being at home, and you didn’t develop a successful career in an area you’d have enjoyed and I don’t know you can just start out now, 20 years later. When as a couple you decided you were going to be a SAHM, you both also decided you’d sacrifice your career ambitions and your husband would have to provide. So I’m not sure now saying ‘ok now go find a job’ is entirely fair, especially if the money isn’t an issue. On the other hand I’d probably not want to be so dependent.

How will you manage for money if he leaves, becomes sick, loses his job or just decides he doesn’t want to go to work anymore either? If you have enough money saved or investments that would cover you both till you’re eligible for a pension that’s one thing, If you’re just scraping by solely reliant on his salary that’s another.

As a working parent where my DH is a SAHD, I find it draining being the sole earner and that's only after 4 years!

I feel sorry for your DH.

You cannot independently choose to be financially supported by another adult if they are not happy to financially support you.

This. Its likely to lead to divorce..you'd be unlikely to get spousal maintenance these days and with a youngest child of 15 you wouldn't get long receiving CM either so you would be totally fucked.

You need to contribute financially.