To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

It's a joint decision - so if he does not want to be the sole provider he is not being unreasonable.

You are entitled not to want to work but you cannot expect him to stay in work to support you now that the DC are independent.

What if he decides to leave you?

Who will be funding your old age?

Sorry you sound lazy. Your dh has supported you all these years, maybe he's tired and wants to take a step back himself?

Thing is why should you not work? You working for a few years could ensure you’ve got some pension and perhaps allow your husband to retire earlier or drop hours. If you’ve got university costs to pay that won’t be cheap. It would also give you a safety net if your husband had a period of Ill health.

Really there was no reason you couldn’t have started to think about this much earlier: you’ve had a fairly cushty deal for at least a decade since the youngest started school.

Is this a reverse?

Poor husband. Bet he really loves his job and won't for a second resent you sitting at home enjoying yourself.

Where has the OP gone? Am very interested to hear their response.

Sorry, OP. I am inclined to agree with PPs and your DH. Your DH probably, like many people, doesn't want to work either. When your kids start school, your job as SAHP changes and it really should be time to get PT work. However, for almost 10 years since your youngest started school, you haven't done anything outside the home. It's really hard to get into the vibe for working when you've been out so long.

If your DH loses his job/work pension you will both be royally screwed. Working is not the most fun thing in the world but there are some amazing work opportunities which were not available when you were last employed.

Hope it all works out for you guys. Good luck OP.

You might not need the money now, but everyone has the risk of falling on hard times. If your DH got ill and had to stop work suddenly, would you need the money then?

Reverse

To all the people on their high horses or the ones effectively saying, "well I have to work so why shouldn't you...?" -

Can't you see - the OP's husband has been quite happy for her to not work WHEN IT SUITED HIM.

You don't get to be facilitated by your wife for 15 years - never have to worry about your own children etc etc - and then the second the youngest gets to a certain age, click your fingers and declare it's time for your wife to get back to work!

No. Sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Why the f* should she now have to rush out into some boring, menial job? (Sorry OP, I don't know what you used to do)?

Men who want SAH wives don't get to have their cake and eat it.

It doesn't sound as if this family particularly need the money. The way the DH needs to be approaching this would be by having a conversation with his wife, ie -

"Thankyou for all you've done with my children and supporting me in my career. I realise this has taken a toll in your earning potential and of course I recognise you can't just step back in where you left off. How do you yourself see the next 10 / 20 years panning out? Is there anything you round like to do - maybe retraining or a business from home? What would you like to do beyond me snd the kids? How can I support you to get there..?"

This is the kind of conversation they should be having. He doesn't get to declare when and where she should be working at his convenience.

Some women on MN are worse than the misogynists they claim to despise, I swear to god.

Why on earth wouldn't you want to use your brain, earn your own income and be seen independent adult. With your youngest being 15 there's been little for you to do at home for some time. I can't imagine my life revolving around housework, meal planning and cofees with other sahm. Become a contributing member of society!
Your poor husband.

Also I don't particularly think you need to volunteer or train first.
Earning anything would be an improvement on today.
Maybe you could get a few hours in a niche shop, you might actually enjoy the interaction with people outside the home.

Was there any kind of discussion when you first gave up work?

On one hand, YANBU because I'm presuming that you

posted something similar under another name and got my arse handed to me because i wanted to stay part time and DP asked me to work more after he got made redundant and dropped income. His argument was that he already worked extra hours in a new more physical job, he is older , does all the diy etc and saw me as being lazy. It caused lots of problems

Why should your dh work to keep you? Your youngest kids been in school 10 years
Shouldnt you future proof yourself and your family in case your husband cant keep up with providing for all of you
Im amazed hes not said it before tbh

@zafraz he has hardly pushed her back to work. I'm not of the opinion that it's particularly easy to work when they're still young and at school, but certainly from the age of 10 they're capable of getting the bus and making themselves a snack.
Youngest is now 15 and we're in a cost of living crisis but loads of part time easy to get jobs exist. Seems like a bit of a no brainer to me.

This thread was clearly a lazy attempt to start an argument and it has worked a treat.

MLM ?

Go back to work! it's easier

But make sure that the DC make their own lunches, do their own laundry.

If you get home to a messy house, don't tidy it up, make yourself cheese on toast.

If you're met with a row of hungry eyes asking ''what's for dinner'' before you've taken off your coat, look at them and say ''I don't know! what's for dinner?''.

I would not be happy to work to support another adult who was capable of working and refused to do so.so YABU imo.

I would however OP, look into training as your route back in, it would enable you to go to the job market with skills in something you have at least some interest. Dust off your qualifications, see what could do with a refresh.

This is your opinion not fact!! I've never yet found a job to be good for the soul.

OP has no option really. As a PP said, if your DH is no longer prepared to support you, then you need to get a job. Working is a necessary evil unfortunately.

While I don’t think everyone needs to work for personal fulfilment or whatever I also think that when one person in a partnership isn’t working it has to be with the agreement of both parties.
Just make sure your DH is fully aware that he will have to increase his domestic input and/or deal with a “reduced service” with regards to cleaning, cooking etc

I’ve only skim read, so apologies if I’m repeating other posters,

I can understand why you don’t want to work. It’s an easy option, it’s comfortable (if you’re in a decent financial position), and it must be scary to think about going back to work after so long. If you’re honest, how much of your reluctance to work is fear-based, having been out of the workplace for so long? If it’s fear, that’s a huge reason not to listen to that scared voice and to go and out yourself out there! You only have one life and presumably a long time left until retirement age.

Its also a very precarious position to put yourself in, financially, just never working again . Totally reliant on your DH. No pension of your own, no savings of your own, and for me the big one is that you completely halt developing any work skills or work experience, so become unemployable if you really did need to work in the future.

Is there a compromise option? Could you get something very part time initially? Or set up a small business? Something to build your confidence and test the waters? Or just something you really enjoy?

I wouldn’t advise anyone to just ‘not work’ for no other reason than not wanting to. It seems a childlike position to take for a capable grown woman who has raised children and obviously has a lot to offer.

zafraz I agree! I think OP is getting badly served here.Many other boards have recognised that being a SAHM is NOT a holiday off work! The whole point of feminism was to give women choices . unless OP wishes to go to Tesco (Even then unless experience in Retail ,maybe not that easy to enter.) I dont know .Nearly 20 years out will be a big jump for her.Her husband has benefitted from her enabling him to work without worries about cleaning ,childcare and so on. Will he step up to the plate if she does return to the workplace I wonder?

I assume you don't want to eat either !