To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Her youngest is 15...they won't be leaving home soon. It's not the 1960s. They'll be at home for another decade I'd imagine.

My eldest is 23, and he hasn't left home yet. However, surprisingly (?), he doesn't need me around to care for him. Nor did he really need much care at 15, or 16, or 17, etc. Him being in the home has not affected my ability to work.

I guess your husband doesn't really want to work either. Most people wouldn't given the choice.

Your gh9ldren are grown so basically now you are just springing off your husband. Why should he have to do it all? If he left you, you would probably have no option but to work.

That's fine as long as he's willing to split the house work and life admin 50/50 but I bet you he's not.

To be fair, you’ve had a good run, but really 15 years is milking it. I agree with your husband. Now your kids don’t need you so much you should consider at least a part time job to take the burden of being the sole provider from your DH.

I simply have to ask. What do you do? And how can I do it too

Very much this. Entitled. And lazy

Honestly - I think it depends on the original “deal”. My friend has been a SAHM for many years as this has suited her DH and has enabled him to build up his business and travel whenever he needs to. She used to have a professional job she didn’t mind doing, but that was the call they made as a family. When he started telling her that she needed to get a job a decade later, I thought that was out of order: because he expected her to get a job that fitted round him and his business and didn’t involve him taking any more responsibility for the kids, That needed to be a conversation about how they redivided the load and how she would retrain and what weeks in the holidays he would be covering for childcare and who
dropped off the kids at school on a Thursday morning. Not “you must now earn money while you continue to facilitate me”.

Sounds like childcare isn’t an issue now for the OP - but there does need to be a conversation about a budget for retraining, who does the grocery shopping/washing etc. And not a “carry on as we are but now you have to take some low paid job that you hate on my say so”.

Hmmm, I don't want to work either but unfortunately I've got no one else to pay the bills... I agree with comments above, whilst you might not need the cash right now, you need to think ahead to retirement and work so you and your husband are comfortable in retirement.

If I was your husband I'd be ticked. Does he like working? Not many people love the job they do, but understand it is necessary to get money.

Wow 18 years of staying at home and not working and you don't want to work well what if you dh just quits and stays thats it I want 18 years off now, seriously no one ever wants to work but in a relationship you support each other the stress your dh has supporting 5 ppl on 1 wage you should have gone back to work at least part time 10 years ago instead you are a sponge

You have a very tolerant husband.

This.

Realistically why should he support you to stay home?

How much is a laundry service your area? How about a cleaner? Meal prep service?

How ridiculous. Their youngest child is 15. They'll manage just fine without any of that.

The dual and equal responsibilities of being a parent - being both practically and financially responsible for children - can be divided in many ways. It’s perfectly reasonable to revisit the decision every now and again to make sure it’s working for everyone. In order to ensure this, you may need to pick up some financial responsibility and your husband may need to pick up some practical responsibility.

Well done for milking it for 18 years.
Yabu for expecting another adult to support you just because you choose not to earn money.

My Mum was a SAHM and didn't return to work. But she and my Dad discussed and were happy with that arrangement. Your DH is not ok with you continuing to SAH now your children are older so you should start trying to find work that suits you

I worked when my children were young though I didn't particularly need to as was plenty to do st home and husband worked away a lot. I worked school hours and finally found employment I liked after getting so wrong when I was younger.
The pay has been pretty rubbish but pension contributions were being made, children had to do a bit more around the place to help.
I would say when I went back to work after staying at home for several years I never shook off the responsibility for all the house drudgery jobs though, but that's a common theme I think.

What's the plan for the day to day for the next 20-30 years if you don't work?

This thread is really wierd. Why the anti sahm'ers? Most MN'ers adore their kids so much they can't bare to be apart from them and crucify anyone not 100% child focused. I assumed many are sahm's.

Pussylodger

Nice.🙄

I've been a SAHP for a similar time. I gave up a job I loved, that I worked hard to retrain for, because DH worked for a company that relocated us every five minutes. He worked long unpredictable hours, with a lot of travel and away days, but loved his job. I do everything at home, all the household tasks, all the DIY, gardening etc. All the ferrying round, the teen has health problems too.

The problem in our case is DH was made redundant, no longer earns as much. I can't go back to my previous job as it has a physical element that I can no longer manage. But also I know there is no way he will share half the housework and other things as he's permanently knackered. I'll be on minimum wage if I take a job, so no way I can pay someone to take up the slack.
Our situation is slightly different, but I see other friends who hit 50, the husband suddenly expects them to go back to work, but also expects them to continue to do everything at home. It's usually a precursor to ditching them for another younger woman, who then goes on to get pregnant and the cycle goes on.

I am always bemused by the "But what do you do with your time" comments. I'm painting the house exterior today, mowing the lawn, cooking, ferrying teen, meeting a friend for a drink tonight whilst doing a minor repair on her car. Playing sport tomorrow. I volunteer normally, but not at the moment.

@Silverswirl
Mlm?
Op after 18 years out of the workplace it might not be your choice whether you go back to work or not.
You could always try to get some interviews and then deliberately scupper yourself ( as recommended in Motherland I think it was?)
Turn up drunk for the interview in your pjs and make a pass at the interviewer. Then claim to be baffled when your dh wonders why you can't get a job.

Tbh with 15 years out of the job market and age and gender discrimination there's no need to deliberately scupper anything.

The question should be why wouldn't you want your own money and some financial independence?

Life drastically changes when your children leave home and I know a lot of people who's marriages have broken down once the children are not there to be the sole focus.

I'm not suggesting this will happen to you but you leave yourself financially vulnerable if you are not earning your own money and then there's your pension to consider.

Also think of the resentment that might build up if your husband is working and you are doing nothing, imagine if it was the other way around for one moment.

I’d put money on this being some sort of MLM Body Shop at Home or Scentsy sort of job. Remember that the vast majority of people make virtually no money from this once they’ve used up the good will of friends and family.

MN do tend to be very down on SAHMs. I think that they are seen as gullible twits with preschool children and lazy freeloaders with school age children.

For my part, I do work, but part time. I came to motherhood late which means by the time my youngest is starting secondary school, I’ll be 53. Will I want to resume full time work at that point - probably not. Does that make me unreasonable? No, I don’t think it does.

In OPs case I think the thought of going to work is quite daunting and I’d suggest part time at first to ease in gently. I do think as much as people might get angry it’s unfair to expect someone to transition from full time SAH to full time WOTH after the best part of two decades.