To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

I think it’s very unreasonable for you not to be working. There are lots of jobs about at the minute and yes you won’t be making a fortune straight away but that is no reason not to get a job.

Why not do your CV talk to a recruitment agency to see if they have anything suitable. If you want to do office work, then plenty of places do free level 2 qualifications on admin/IT or depending on how up to date your Word/Excel/ Outlook skills are get DH or the DC to give you a refresher.

There is no shame in a minimum wage job and that would still bring extra money into the household. Yes your husband should help more but teenagers should also be pulling their weight and learning life skills which will help them at uni and when living away from the home.

I don’t want to work either and I don’t have dc, I don’t really need to, but me working speeds up our retirement plans and enables us to have a better quality of life both now and in retirement.

Have you checked your government state pension? Is your DH paying for you to get the stamps as otherwise you might not be covered. I would seriously have a look at the government website and think about what your retirement as a couple is going to look like financially

Honestly, if I was your DH I'd resent you massively. Your children have all been in school for TEN years. I totally get being a SAHP when they're little but your youngest is a teenager...... you're not a SAHM you're just unemployed.

Loads of people don't want to work, I don't particularly and technically we could live on DH's salary as he's a good earner but I want to set a good example to my DDs that you can be independent and don't have to rely on anyone else and I don't think it's fair that DH carries the entire burden of financially providing for our family. Work also provides me with some social interaction.

What if your DH doesn't want to work? What if he'd like to retire early? What if he wants the same amount of leisure time and time to yourself that you have? He's supported you for 18 years and you're not willing to even get a part time job to help him and the family finances out? I'm sorry but I just think that's lazy and if he decides to leave you.......you may find you have to get a job sharpish.

You’re very vulnerable even if married if your DH decided to leave. You’d only have child support for a few years with your youngest being 15. It sounds like your DH is fed up being the only earner so it’s time to get back to work. Many people don’t want to work, I personally couldn’t think of anything worse than not working and earning my own money.

Does your Dh see any benefit to you being at home despite the kid's ages? I am a long term SAHM because I have a disability so me working is almost impossible but I have a very supportive husband. However, I have had friends who have been SAHMs whose husbands then want them to work usually when the youngest starts primary and then lays down rules about hours they can do and term time only because of childcare costs.

Sometimes when you have been out of work for so long the husband gets very used to you doing everything ie shopping, cooking, cleaning, life admin etc. If you want to stay not working at this point maybe suggest you look at the division of labour once you do return to work.

His day will change from just coming home and probably not having to do any household chores to having to now dedicate time and effort to them either on an evening or a weekend. A lot of husbands think that the Mrs getting a job means she gets the job but still does everything she is doing now. You need to find out if that is true in your case.

I feel like this after maternity leave but it’s mainly just because I hate my job so much. I’ve dreaded going back the entire year, which has then wasted my time off. I’ve started up an Etsy shop and it’s so much more enjoyable, I’m hoping to do it full time

You have been a sahm for some time now. Do you feel apprehensive about re-entering the work place .maybe some skills courses may help .locally or online.has your dh been happy with the situation up to now .is he worried about cost of living maybe. A chat to him to tell him how you are feeling. Also that he will need to step up with chores if you do go back to work

I think YABU but I completely understand. Im pt and my dh is trying to make me work ft. I don't want to. I have no interest whatsoever in doing so my life is very nice and fulfilling and I hate even my pt job that is a drain on my life it literally makes me depressed and my non working days are generally spent getting over my working ones.

Why don't you take your time and find something you really want to do? You could always retrain, you don't have to just take the first job that comes along! I think you need to take a step back and see this from your DHs perspective, it isn't fair to only consider your own wants and needs here. I would probably not have lasted in my marriage if my DH refused to work, so I can easily see how your DH feels.

The youngest is 15 too. They don’t need mum there to pick them up from school and give them a snack when they get in. I doubt there is a huge drip feed about the 15 year old being an aspiring Olympic swimmer or something else that requires a parent to take them to stupid amounts of training at times inconvenient for work. Because you’d have mentioned something like that.

There are two issues:

1. working at all. And @kahase72 is being unreasonable in simply not wanting to do it. Her husband is clearly not up for having a financially dependent adult any longer.
2. getting a job. This is trickier and more intimidating. Immediately being an employed person after 18 years out of the workforce is a pretty unrealistic goal. It’s worth looking into retraining and talking to your husband about how you are going to return to work.

I was a SAHM for 8 years and loved it. DH wanted me to go back to work last year though so I did. Truthfully I've hated every minute, but I can understand why he didn't want to support me financially forever. It's a lot of pressure and once DCs fly the nest it's unnecessary to have someone at home all the time. Most people don't want to work, but need to in order to live. It isn't a decision that is up to you really.

It's not just about the money OP, working is good for your soul. My mental health improved massively when I went back to work. It takes me out of myself and makes me think about other people for 6 hours a day. Can you try to view work as something you can do for others, instead of a chore that you get paid for?

A lot of older women seem to think it is their human right not to work.
There has been some research into Alzheimer's and Dementia to investigate why women are so much more likely to develop it compared to men and lack of work outside the home has been suggested as a contributory factor.
Work is good for you and being financially independent is part of being an adult.

I believe NI credits stop when youngest reaches 12

I have no interest whatsoever in doing so my life is very nice and fulfilling and I hate even my pt job that is a drain on my life

I’m sure a great many people would also feel that their life could be very nice working PT but they have to work.

Tbh, there is much greater social pressure on men to work FT. To build a career. So even where their lives would be nicer working PT or not at all, they often don’t feel it’s a possibility (unless it’s retirement after a long career - that’s socially acceptable).

Some odd comments on this thread. It's sad that so many people define themselves by the job they do or have so little imagination that the would be 'bored' if they didn't work.

What job does your husband think you should do?

How much does he do in terms of house, garden, diy, admin at the moment? Is he aware that he will need to take on some of this if and when you go back to work. How does he feel about that?

I could quite happily not work but DH is very good and shares the load. I also worry what would happen if something happened to him and I was left on my own. I don't want to be poor in old age. These are all things you need to consider.

How old are you, Op? It wasn't until I hit my forties that I realised how age-ist employers are. It's rubbish. Factor in that you haven't worked for such a long time and you might be in for a bit of surprise if and when you do try to look for a job. You'll very likely be looking at minimum wage jobs for a few years I think.

You and DH are a team and it has to work for both of you
Perhaps start by getting a CV together
Start somewhere every application will make it a reality, every interview builds your confidence
You need to open your eyes and your world

I would definitely go back to work in this circumstance. Don’t you want something of your own? However, he must now share the burden of housework, cooking and gardening 50/50.

I don’t define myself by my work but I love it.
It gives me money, company, intellectual stimulation, feedback, new insights. Can’t imagine why I wouldn’t.

What work did you used to do?

However, he must now share the burden of housework, cooking and gardening 50/50.

If they’re both working the same hours. If he’s doing 60 hours a week and she’s doing 10 why would he do as much around the house?

YABU.
I'm 52, I'd love to retire as I find my job exhausting but it would be unfair to put the burden solely on DH.
You can pick your job. Presumably he has not said how many hours you should work, or how much he wants you to earn. There are hundreds of low stress jobs around at the minute, get a few hours in a cafe or supermarket.I'm sure the family will appreciate any extra income.

Not really fair on your DH.

I'd recommend volunteering and some training first so that you have a better chance of a more interesting job.

Sounds like a reverse to me...but anyway if you don't really need the money would your husband be okay with you getting a part time job doing something you enjoy that pays poorly?

We both work full time and whilst we have a cleaner and gardener it’s ridiculous to suggest they need all these things so that they can both work.