to think the most of the best men don't use dating apps?

[Heytheredeliah]

I am actively trying online dating at the moment and most of the men on there are just rude and awful. The messages I get are weird or rude. The conversation sometimes starts off fine and then goes weird. I have met so many great guys in real life, but they always seem to have girlfriends or are married. They are handsome, kind , clever and have good careers.

When I go on dating apps, I just don't seem to find guys like that on there. I feel quite lonely and I would love to have a partner. I have been on so many awful dates with guys I have met online.

AIBU to think that the best men with lots going for them (good looks, kind, good job etc) are rare on dating apps?

No it’s just the best ones, like the ones you know in real life, are already taken so they won’t be using the apps.

Perhaps it works in reverse too for Men seeking women.

No, they meet people in real life and ask them out feeling confident that the woman will say yes.

But by 'the best men'' I don't just mean the best looking, the wealthiest, the sexiest. I had been utterly ground down and couldn't face OLD after about 5 years of meeting men on line who just treated me like a resource to be plundered. I did meet somebody in real life who was so clear, no mixed messages, wasn't in to porn, wasn't juggling women, circular dating, lying, cheating etc...

If I don't meet anybody else in real life again so be it but I will not do OLD again

I think it’s age dependent a bit, you’ll find decent men in their 20s and early 30s on apps but after a certain age 80% or more of them are basically the pool of rejects that either weren’t good enough to be picked to settle down with or men who weren’t good enough to sustain marriages.

I am in my early 20s and the guys I am looking at are 23-33. They mostly seem like the complete and utter dregs.

Perhaps it works in reverse too for Men seeking women.

Oh it does! I have run the gauntlet of OLD and absolutely there are loads of time wasters and fruitcakes. However, once you fine tune your radar and apply a few basic rules you can weed them out pretty easily to the point that most dates were actually very pleasant even if there was no romantic spark.

@ComfyChairPose Sorry to hear about your bad experiences. I feel exactly the same way after being on OLD apps. Totally ground down.

@DillonPanthersTexas If you don't mind me asking, which basic rules can you use to weed out weirdos?

You have to be really picky about who you swipe on. Make your profile very straightforward about who you are and what you're looking for (for the ones that bother to read it).

I found OLD a lot easier when I started treating it as a job hunt with regards to my own profile and a hiring campaign with regards to people I was interested in. Also which platforms are you on? I found Bumble horrendous but as long as I was choosy, Tinder was fine. I met my fiancé on Tinder!

I’d step away from the apps for a bit OP if you’re feeling demoralised with it all.

Have you tried to expand your circle to meet more guys in real life - gym, running club or other hobby, ask friends to introduce you to eligible bachelors?

I know it’s really patronising and I used to hate ppl saying this to me but you’re so young and you have so many years ahead where you will be with a partner long term in all likelihood. The very best advice I have is to just get stuck into everything that interests you, build a life that is so great that with or without a man you will feel more fulfilled. That in itself is highly attractive so when someone decent does come along they can’t resist joining in with this life you have created.

In my experience, they were the absolute dregs and complete perennials when I tried it a few years ago. I also recognised a couple of men in long term relationships or married, openly with their photos on dating apps. They even have kids! But I also recognised one man who had been lucky not to be charged with domestic violence, which was the reason he was single. The men I contacted with could barely string a sentence together, looked awful (overweight, completely bald, old looking for their ages) but were strangely sexist, old fashioned and controlling. I was told a couple of times that I "wasn't a proper woman" because I didn't have children and was "too attractive and therefore self obsessed" (in the first couple of messages), oh and then there were the ones who, despite never meeting up, started messaging constantly. One who seemed promising went ballistic after I didn't reply for a day, after telling him I was at work with no phone signal and by the time I got home, had messaged multiple times accusing me of doing online dating "for attention" and some sort of stuff about having too good profile photos.

Just absolutely nuts. Then there were the ones who in the second sentence, wanted to come round to my house...

Oh, and I only did it for about 3 weeks. I couldn't stand it any longer!

@MrsToothyBitch I am on tinder and bumble. I am quite picky about who I swipe 'yes' on. I read their profile thoroughly and look at all of the pictures. Can I ask why you thought bumble was awful but tinder was fine? I have found them both to be absolutely dire. I'm glad you met you fiancé on OLD!

To be honest the best ones are usually taken in real life (in my experience) because they are good men who a lot of women would want.

I probably worded this badly. My point is there are not many single good ones because they are already taken. I don’t think there is a favoured method that good single people use to meet someone - their numbers are low whether in real life or on apps.

It sounds like you’re not falling into the trap of believing that anyone who bites is the best you can do so that’s a good thing.

Have a break if you’re getting fed up and go back to it after a couple months.

I met my partner on OLD. We were both on a paid site which I think removes some of the dross. I was very clear about what I did and didn’t want and weeded ruthlessly. He was the second person I actually met up with, the first was ok but not for me.

My point is there are not many single good ones because they are already taken.
Doesn't this apply equally to women?

I’m trying to remember my weeding out process/criteria

they had to live within a reasonable distance, I didn’t want to be all over the country

they had to have a professional career

they had to be solvent (as much as one can appear - no living in a bed sit)

they had to have kids (so they’d understand what it’s like to juggle family)

they had to pursue me - I never initiated anything, but I replied to every message

they had to sound intelligent

they had to be willing to speak on the phone AND arrange a date pretty quick, I didn’t want a pen pal.

the photos had to show them smiling, and ideally not drinking.

Any messages I got that were slightly saucy or trying it on, got ignored.

that was it I think.

My point is there are not many single good ones because they are already taken.
Doesn't this apply equally to women?

I wonder if because more women end up with the lion's share of childcare after a relationship breaks down whether there are more "good" women (for want of a better word) on OLD because their options are more limited when it comes to meeting new people?

However, my single dad friend says he's been asked for money or goods on OLD as a prerequisite to meeting up so maybe it's just grim all over.

If you don't mind me asking, which basic rules can you use to weed out weirdos

I'm a bloke but I don't think there is a huge difference in the rules for women. Most of it is fairly common sense stuff, personally I took a dim view of:

No effort with profiles

Photoshopped or heavy filtered photos

Any suggestions of high end Michelin star type restaurants as a first date

A reluctance to move from messaging to an actual phone call. I always insisted on speaking first before meeting. If you can't hold a conversation on the phone you will struggle in person.

Long lists of what they don't like as opposed to what they do like.

Any whiff of "I'm crazy me/I'm a bit of a handful"

Text speak

Any evidence of game playing (i.e. no contact after a date due to some weird not wanting to appear too keen nonsense)

Bailing on a date hours before it is due to take place.

Any overt political posturing on profile.

Outright bullshit on profile "oh I love the outdoors = I did a Duke of Edinburgh weekend at school 15 years ago.

Talking too much about an ex

Suggestions of meeting at your house as a first date.

Profile photos that featured more images of pets then the actual person

You get the idea.

they had to pursue me - I never initiated anything, but I replied to every message

Interesting Loony, each to their own and all that, but personally I would like to see the keeness/interest go both ways. If I feel someone is lukewarm I tended to move on.

Just personally, all the couples in my circle of friends barely use social media, definitely not OLD. They think my MNing is hilarious.
And we all very 'outdoorsy'. Kayakers/ climbers/skiers/ sailing/MTB etc.
And all (if I say so humbly!) very gregarious, generous, warm people. I can't think of a couple we know that isn't a true partnership in everything they do. The blokes are conscientious, funny, intelligent guys. I'm always grateful for the group of friends we have. Have you considered trying a new activity rather than going on line?

If you can't hold a conversation on the phone you will struggle in person.

Interesting. I hate talking on the phone and avoid it as much as possible, but I’m absolutely fine face to face and can talk about anything with anyone. I met my DP online and we emailed each other for about a week before we met, but happily no phone calls!

When I was doing OLD one of my rules was to avoid men in their 40s who indicated they were willing to have relationships with women in their 20s. Also men who lied about anything (age, height etc). I don’t care if someone is 5’8 instead of 5’10 but people who lie about small stuff are more likely (IME) to lie about bigger stuff.

OLD is not for the faint hearted and I had my fair share of nightmares but I met my DH online so there are some good ones - you just have to have the will to battle through the crap!

Is that just men over a certain age or women too?

@Heytheredeliah I hated being obliged to make the approach on Bumble. It made me feel very unconfident and unattractive. I also found the profile prompts forced and the men uninspiring.

On Tinder I was super choosy. Have you tried Hinge or Inner Circle?