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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
SteamingHind · 02/07/2022 13:59

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:40

OP has said that DSS LOVES spending time with the grandparents. Not saying he has to, but the assumption he wouldn't enjoy it anyway so he doesn't need to be included doesn't work on that basis.

Show quote history

They're not his grandparents. They're his dad's current wife's parents.

Grapewrath · 02/07/2022 13:59

You can see the bitter ones out in force today.
op of course it’s fine to want some time alone with your DD and your parents, and it’s fine for them to want that too. Your husband needs to chill out about you doing separate activities otherwise the ds will pick up on it and start seeing problems where there really aren’t any.
Dont ask your husband, you don’t need his permission

Herejustforthisone · 02/07/2022 14:00

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 13:48

Herejustforthisone - so now you're a moderator?

Just sharing an opinion. I’m fairly sure that’s still allowed, no?

Notonthestairs · 02/07/2022 14:01

Beauty wrote "the grandparents" not his.

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 14:01

you have to be fair to the children
Indeed. But in the very next breath you say...
The DD is two and won't care who is included and who isn't
But not this child, obviously, she must be kept perpetually in the shade of her brother, even when visiting her own grandparents and great grandparents.
But the 8 year old will get the message he's excluded
Only if that's the message his DF chooses to send him. He could say "oh how awful your SM is for wanting to see her family without us, poor excluded you boo boo" or he could say "great, guys day today, what do you fancy getting up to?*
The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents
The OP should not be arranging her life to this degree around the work commitments of her husband's ex. What the fuck.

There has been alot of talk about OPs "attitude" to this child, but obviously if he lives seeing her parents then that didn't happen in a vacuum and she has put time and care into her relationship with him and making sure he is welcome and happy etc. If her DH is now in the habit of constantly shoe horning his son into her every move, to the extent she doesn't know how to say that she wants to visit her own parents and grandparents without him, do we think there may be a chance that the DH is slowly starting to poison the goodwill well they have all been drinking from?

SteamingHind · 02/07/2022 14:04

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:50

Apologies for missing the some.

Believe it or not, I'm not actually deliberately misquoting you.

But i do think that your reasons for not wanting to take him and the way you tell it sounds like excuses rather than reasons, and I genuinely can understand DH's frustration.

I have never said you are wrong in wanting to see your grandparents with OP, I think that's actually really lovely as so few are able to have great grandparents. I also get you wanting to spend time with just DD as the age gap is awkward.

But I do think, conscious or unconscious, your favour for your natural child (which biologically I understand) is coming through. And i think if that, and the conflict in parenting re behaviour is not addressed, there will bigger challenges than who goes where. I personally think people who are in blended families are some of the better ones out there - taking on a family, putting it together, going through all of that. I'm not prioritising DH's feelings or making you out to be a villain. Maybe my own buttons are pressed as I came from a blended family, and if you've felt attacked I apologise. But I do think it reads that way. Ultimately though I'm a stranger on the internet who doesn't actually know your family. I can only go on what i read (and despite what PP's said, I don't deliberately misread, I got lost wiht hte parents/grandparents).

Show quote history

I'd get your copy and paste function checked then. Usually it copies verbatim, not removes a pertinent word thar "proves" the narrative you've invented.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 14:04

Yeah why can’t op’ husband take his kid out for the day on his own?

the child may like some 1 to 1 time with his dad

Even the staunchest step mum hater…can anyone really argue with that?!

Penguinsaregreat · 02/07/2022 14:04

Careful Threetulips you might upset some randomer who thinks you are being unkind. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 14:05

Herejustforthisone - as is defending other posters, yes?

Herejustforthisone · 02/07/2022 14:08

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 14:05

Herejustforthisone - as is defending other posters, yes?

Give it a rest.

The OP is so far from unreasonable for wanting to have some time with her child and her parents and her grandparents.

Her ludicrous other half is overly defensive and obviously feels guilty, as so many fathers are, following the breakdown of the first family relationship and subsequent creation of a family with a new one. That’s not the OP, nor the daughter, not the OP’s family’s fault.

He is unreasonable. She is not.

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 14:10

Herejustforthisone, you can't just try and shut down anyone who doesn't agree with you, its a tad over bearing

SteamingHind · 02/07/2022 14:14

Penguinsaregreat · 02/07/2022 14:04

Careful Threetulips you might upset some randomer who thinks you are being unkind. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

She might not be unkind, but she certainly can't read. His parents live abroad, not locally as she so confidently stated.

Or bullshitted as its more commonly known. How can reading the fucking thread be beyond people who are supposed to be adults?

DinosaurDuvet · 02/07/2022 14:19

Could you play it off as we’ll have a mother daughter day so you can a father son day?

shedwithivy · 02/07/2022 14:22

saraclara · 02/07/2022 11:22

if the two children were full siblings, it would be totally normal for a parent to take one each to different activities sometimes, especially with a 6 yr age gap.

That. There was only 21 months between our DDs, but they have always been very different people. So we often went out in different combinations. Our eldest was always wanting to be out doing new things. Her sister was a home bird. So one of us would take the eldest out while the other two stayed home very regularly.

I think you need to point this out to your dh, OP.

Agree with this...

But tread carefully... My DH has a younger half sibling (both lived in the home full time) and can list 100 examples where he felt younger sib was favoured because they were the product of the second marriage together.

I think splitting down some age appropriate activities and not being joined at the hip is good but not if the half sib (in this case your SS) feel like they get a bum deal.

For example, could you go to a theme park or national trust properly- dad can take him to adventure playground while you and grandparents go to the tearoom/ toddler area with DD and come back together for a picnic later?

Laiste · 02/07/2022 14:22

The OP wants the occasional visit with her parents and her grand-parents (the 2 year old's great grand-parents).

She's not on a mission to exclude the boy from now on.

The step son has his own maternal grand parents. Does the 2 year old always go on visits to them? No. And why? Because they're not her grandparents! Why must it work the other way around?

JennyForeigner · 02/07/2022 14:22

I grew up with step brothers and sisters and never met their grandparents. First point is that both kids need time and relationships of their own. Second is that your DSS has other grandparent relationships. Equality means being fair, not making everything the same.

I feel a bit sorry for DSS tbh. Wouldn't he like some special time with dad?

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 02/07/2022 14:23

If he isn't their biological grandchild they don't have to be inviting him anywhere really, might be nice for him to feel included but at the end of the day he's no relation to them, your husband shouldn't expect them to have him tag along everywhere. Could he not go to visit his own grandparents instead?

BattenburgDonkey · 02/07/2022 14:24

Threetulips · 02/07/2022 13:59

The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents

How? All work, SS there every weekend. Grandparents visiting etc

DH parents live locally - he can take DSS there for a few hours. I’m sure they’d appreciate a 1-2-1 with their grandchild.

OP very clearly said DHs parents live abroad so I’m not sure what you read.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 14:24

Yeah agreed your husband needs to stop imposing his son on everyone and everything.

and step up and spend some one to one time with him and parent on his own

Arrivederla · 02/07/2022 14:27

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/07/2022 13:38

I haven't rtft but this is so sad, he lives with You 50% and You want to exclude him. Thats awful behaviour.

Maybe, just maybe, try reading the full thread before commenting? 🙄

Herejustforthisone · 02/07/2022 14:31

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 14:10

Herejustforthisone, you can't just try and shut down anyone who doesn't agree with you, its a tad over bearing

Me not agreeing with you is not me trying to shut you down…

What are you not understanding?

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 14:33

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 02/07/2022 14:23

If he isn't their biological grandchild they don't have to be inviting him anywhere really, might be nice for him to feel included but at the end of the day he's no relation to them, your husband shouldn't expect them to have him tag along everywhere. Could he not go to visit his own grandparents instead?

This. And he has his mother's family to fulfill that role. And his dad needs to step up. Op is doing that with her dd, so the boys mum should be doing the same. It's not ops responsibility to take this on, and neither is it her family. They have been kind enough to do so already and op is entitled to want her child to spend time with her own gp on their own.

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 02/07/2022 14:33

Hello again, the thread is still being derailed because of a spat between posters. Can we again politely ask those involved to step away from this now? Further deletions may result in accounts being suspended.
MNHQ

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 14:36

Oldlearner · 02/07/2022 12:41

If you a second child would you want to leave one of your own DC at home so the other can be your parents focus?

DSS is your DD's brother, your DH son so therefore your family I would say if your actively trying to exclude him there is an issue.

Ignoring the fact that many people have said they do do this with their biological children - he is not her child. No amount of saying "but what if they were your second child" will change that fact or stop it from being different.

Herejustforthisone · 02/07/2022 14:39

PipMumsnet · 02/07/2022 14:33

Hello again, the thread is still being derailed because of a spat between posters. Can we again politely ask those involved to step away from this now? Further deletions may result in accounts being suspended.
MNHQ

Noted. Apologies. I hadn’t seen your earlier post when I remarked on the other poster.

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