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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 16:36

@hullabaloo22
I think your lack of experience is shining through here tbh. With the best will in the world you will not be able to force unconsenting family members like grandparents to see their step grandchildren just like their grandchildren. Many step parents themselves do not feel that way. If this is necessary to you you need to lay that out before whilst seeking out a relationship after splitting with your child's parent, because you simply cannot assume that will come naturally to the others involved. It's also perfectly possible to do things differently and not demand this level of "full" inclusion - and build a foundation where all the kids know who their parents/grandparents are and understand that relationships are subsequently different. This is often the best course of action both for the kids and for everyone else involved.

You've said both that people need to be fully inclusive if there was infidelity involved, and that people need to be fully inclusive regardless. So the infidelity argument seems largely irrelevant.

Boys may be more boisterous but it is much harder to be patient with that and not find it extremely wearing to have to pay attention to them constantly when that child is not naturally the apple of your eye. Hence why it often simply doesn't work to expect non relatives to spend time with them in the exact same way they do their actual kin.

Noshowlomo · 02/07/2022 16:42

YADNBU OP…

some posters on this thread mind… 🙄

hope you’ve had a nice afternoon with your parents and co ☺️

newbiename · 02/07/2022 16:43

Did you get out on your own ?

LGBirmingham · 02/07/2022 16:50

From my experience of dealing with parents with new partners as a child you really long for time on your own with your parent without the partner and their children there too. I think it's really important you give your other half time with his son just the two of them every now and then. So I would frame a day out with your parents that way.

ShandaLear · 02/07/2022 16:56

Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 16:18

@funinthesun19 quite shit for them not to view their daughters stepson as part of their family and to treat them differently.

It’s really not. They didn’t choose to be part of a blended family. They should be polite and friendly when they’re with the DSS and it is kind of them to buy him gifts for birthdays and Christmas. That’s basic good manners, but the DSS is not related to them. He has his own grandparents and it’s his parents job to facilitate those relationships.

Suedomin · 02/07/2022 17:02

assume your DD doesn’t go with your stepson to see his maternal grandparents every time? Didn’t think so. So why should he come with DD to her maternal grandparents every time?

Why would she go at all she doesn't spend anytime with the DSS 'mother or her family. So I doubt she has even met his maternal grandparents. It's not the same situation at all.

CoastalWave · 02/07/2022 17:04

My son is hard work (ADHD) and I often see my parents with just my daughter. It's easier. Gives us both a rest. Doesn't mean I don't love my son.

I think the fact he's your step son is neither here nor there. Nothing wrong with just wanting time with one of them.

funinthesun19 · 02/07/2022 17:04

There are countless threads on here where the OP posts that a father doesn't spend time with his child/ren and the usual replies are "go out for the day and leave him to parent his own child/ren", yet on here it seems to be "no, the child must be with you and it's not fair to leave him just with his dad".

It doesn’t make sense does it? Just say DSS did go with OP, people would feel sorry for him that he doesn’t get enough time with his father. It does feel like people think he should go “just because”. They could be at “lunch with Queen Elsa” at a local cafe and then a trip to feed the ducks, and some people would still pull their face that OP made plans just for her and her DD.

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 17:07

Why would she go at all she doesn't spend anytime with the DSS 'mother or her family. So I doubt she has even met his maternal grandparents. It's not the same situation at all.

Yes it is a different situation. And in THIS situation the people involved feel out upon by how much time they're expected to spend with him. That's the reality.

Pickingmyselfup · 02/07/2022 17:19

I don't understand why it's an issue, the step son is busy, you are not and have been invited out for the day. Doesn't matter who it's with at all.

Fwiw I have 2 children 2 years apart and sometimes we do one on one things because it's nice to get that quality time with just one of them. If one child was out for an amount of time and a grandparent suggested going out then I would take the one I had, I wouldn't not go because I didn't have both kids.

Surely it's the same situation in this instance, it just happens to be a stepson instead of your biological son.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:24

Thanks. I did go out with just DD. H unsurprisingly pissed about it and felt I was being mean. Did the whole 'your parents love him, they won't mind, he'll want to see them' and wouldn't have it when I said they would also just like some time with us occasionally.

It was a bit shit as by the time I'd managed to leave DSS was already home and had asked if he could come with us. I just said he was having a day with daddy today. They haven't done much I don't think other than nip to the park earlier.

Regardless anyway, we had a lovely time and DD was thoroughly spoilt!

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Cloudysunday · 02/07/2022 17:26

My friend is going through something similar regarding her DD and DGD2. Her DD also has DSS11 who is with them 50% of the time . She is very fond of DSS but she admits that sometimes she just wants time with her DD and DGD mainly because an 11 year old wants to do very different things from a 2 year old.
However any suggestion that DSS is left with his Dad and a row erupts .
Many posters here will jump in and say of course he should be included but if friend’s SIL goes along he will spend his time on his phone leaving her DD to parent both DC. Even worse a couple of times he has wanted friend’s DD to take both DC so that he can do something else !
Time alone with his son doesn’t seem to be a priority .
OP I hope you got time with your DD and parents.

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 17:27

Did the whole 'your parents love him, they won't mind, he'll want to see them' and wouldn't have it when I said they would also just like some time with us occasionally.

This is really strange OP, why doesn't he trust what you are saying to him about your own parents? Does he always think he knows best?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 02/07/2022 17:27

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:24

Thanks. I did go out with just DD. H unsurprisingly pissed about it and felt I was being mean. Did the whole 'your parents love him, they won't mind, he'll want to see them' and wouldn't have it when I said they would also just like some time with us occasionally.

It was a bit shit as by the time I'd managed to leave DSS was already home and had asked if he could come with us. I just said he was having a day with daddy today. They haven't done much I don't think other than nip to the park earlier.

Regardless anyway, we had a lovely time and DD was thoroughly spoilt!

Thanks for the replies.

So glad you got to go with just your DD and had a lovely time

lancsgirl85 · 02/07/2022 17:31

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:24

Thanks. I did go out with just DD. H unsurprisingly pissed about it and felt I was being mean. Did the whole 'your parents love him, they won't mind, he'll want to see them' and wouldn't have it when I said they would also just like some time with us occasionally.

It was a bit shit as by the time I'd managed to leave DSS was already home and had asked if he could come with us. I just said he was having a day with daddy today. They haven't done much I don't think other than nip to the park earlier.

Regardless anyway, we had a lovely time and DD was thoroughly spoilt!

Thanks for the replies.

It sounds like he doesn't know how to be a father without your input. Really sad.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 17:35

“'your parents love him, they won't mind”

what makes him think he knows that?!

surely he’s not so thick as to not know that the way they feel about their biological grandchild will be different to the way they feel about their step grandchild? Not to mention that his son is a handful behaviour wise.

As another poster said, why is he trying to undermine what you know to be true?! They are your parents you’ll know better than he does as to what they think and feel. Gaslighter.

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 17:39

@Frilly

Clymene · 02/07/2022 17:40

I'm glad you stuck to your guns and had a nice time.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 02/07/2022 17:41

Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 16:18

@funinthesun19 quite shit for them not to view their daughters stepson as part of their family and to treat them differently.

They may well consider him part of their family, but that doesn't mean all relationships within the family are necessarily equal.

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 17:41

Oops! @FrillyBobs
Well done for staying the course when he started his shit. Hopefully this is the start of him looking at the bigger picture, even if he has started off by huffing and apparently not making the most of his time with his son. If the child felt in any way hard done by then it's entirely his father's fault.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:41

surely he’s not so thick as to not know that the way they feel about their biological grandchild will be different to the way they feel about their step grandchild?

I'm starting to wonder tbh.

OP posts:
TarpaulinEyes · 02/07/2022 17:42

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:24

Thanks. I did go out with just DD. H unsurprisingly pissed about it and felt I was being mean. Did the whole 'your parents love him, they won't mind, he'll want to see them' and wouldn't have it when I said they would also just like some time with us occasionally.

It was a bit shit as by the time I'd managed to leave DSS was already home and had asked if he could come with us. I just said he was having a day with daddy today. They haven't done much I don't think other than nip to the park earlier.

Regardless anyway, we had a lovely time and DD was thoroughly spoilt!

Thanks for the replies.

Well done, now you've done it once it will be easier if you want to visit your parents again just you and your DD. I would be starting to do this when your DSS' mum is not working a weekend and he is at home with her. Saves any argument from your DH and doesn't have to be every time

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:46

Thanks, was really nice. It was a different dynamic and we did all enjoy it. Think we need it sometimes.

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 02/07/2022 17:54

OP I find your husband’s behaviour a bit concerning. Why can’t he just let you & your daughter spend time with YOUR parents on your own.
I have two kids, I regularly pop to my parents with one or both without DH. DH looks after the other one or has some much needed alone time. I imagine that’s very standard.

I really think your husband is the main issue here. Not necessarily that he is controlling but more that he seems to be putting his own needs first. He clearly loves spending time with your parents which is great, but they are your family, not his and he doesn’t get to dictate to you what their opinions are, or get to go when you meet them if you don’t want him to. If you never wanted him to go or it was a family occasion that would be different that isn’t the case.
tbh OP I think you should do this regularly and make it clear that it is your toddler’s time with her grandparents and he can hang out with his son. That’s not to say you should never take his son or make him feel excluded. That is a challenge that isn’t present in families without step kids and it is a hard one to manage and obviously an 8 year feeling he is being left out because he is a DSS and not a DS is an issue. But your husband should be working with you to manage this, not acting like a sulky child himself.

autumntimebrowns · 02/07/2022 18:03

The outstanding point to me I’d that your dh didn’t exactly go out of his way to make sure his son had a great afternoon to ‘make up’ for the perceived slight. Just blamed you. Says a lot I think.

stick to your guns.