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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
janesmithsdog · 02/07/2022 15:11

I don’t think it’s unreasonable as an occasional thing. They can have some father/son time! Hope you managed it.

Bordesleyhills · 02/07/2022 15:17

Find something your 2 year old would love but not suitable for the 8 year old- suggest father takes him somewhere he would enjoy- is he worried he can’t control his son?

feistyoneyouare · 02/07/2022 15:21

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 10:20

Asofanearyou, fair point, but alot of people complain about step kids after getting together with people with kids, surely they knew what they were getting into?

Speaking as a stepparent I'd say no, not always.

It can happen that a person goes into a blended family setup thinking it will work OK based on what they've seen up until that point, only to find unexpected factors coming into the mix e.g. in my scenario DH's ex's unreasonable behaviour* and his constant kowtowing to her almost broke us up, whereas DSD herself (now an adult) was rarely difficult.

Also it's impossible to get a full picture of a partner's parenting style, or how it might rebound on the relationship, before you actually get into a stepparenting setup IME.

  • And although I know MNers tend to be sceptical when posters talk about unreasonable behaviour from first wives, it happens.
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/07/2022 15:22

Are there really families where there are no SC involved that do everything as a 4/5/6 etc? I did a sporty hobby for years and my DB did a mix of hobbies (St Johns, Scouts, music) so it wasn't unusual for only 2 or 3 out of the 4 of us to be at casual family events over the years. I don't see this as too much different - can you frame it that way to your DH? It suits you to go at the time you've mentioned and DH and DSC aren't exactly being left out as he has his hobby on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/07/2022 15:25

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 14:01

you have to be fair to the children
Indeed. But in the very next breath you say...
The DD is two and won't care who is included and who isn't
But not this child, obviously, she must be kept perpetually in the shade of her brother, even when visiting her own grandparents and great grandparents.
But the 8 year old will get the message he's excluded
Only if that's the message his DF chooses to send him. He could say "oh how awful your SM is for wanting to see her family without us, poor excluded you boo boo" or he could say "great, guys day today, what do you fancy getting up to?*
The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents
The OP should not be arranging her life to this degree around the work commitments of her husband's ex. What the fuck.

There has been alot of talk about OPs "attitude" to this child, but obviously if he lives seeing her parents then that didn't happen in a vacuum and she has put time and care into her relationship with him and making sure he is welcome and happy etc. If her DH is now in the habit of constantly shoe horning his son into her every move, to the extent she doesn't know how to say that she wants to visit her own parents and grandparents without him, do we think there may be a chance that the DH is slowly starting to poison the goodwill well they have all been drinking from?

I totally agree this. You are being manipulated by your dh into complying without consideration to you, your dd or his ds. I hope you’ve gone out just you and your dd op.

hullabaloo22 · 02/07/2022 15:35

It's understandable if OP wants to spend alone time with GS with DD but I also fully understand the DH. Of course, context is everything. How did DH split up with the ex? Was there time and space between the split and meeting OP or was the OP 'the reason' for the split. If the latter, I can see how DH would feel especially keen to include his DS. I personally think it must be awful when parents split due to an infidelity.

On the behaviour, age will have a lot to do with it and (dare I say it), gender. Not always, but boys often are more boisterous around that age and I'm sure that DD gets plenty of attention being 2.

Tigofigo · 02/07/2022 15:43

I think your DH needs to get over his insecurities. It's ridiculous that you feel you can't take your DD to your parents without them both.

His DS could really benefit from 1-1 time with him too rather than have a 2 year old around, that's probably behind some of the behaviours of you're always hanging out as a 4. It's the perfect opportunity.

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 15:47

hullabaloo22 · 02/07/2022 15:35

It's understandable if OP wants to spend alone time with GS with DD but I also fully understand the DH. Of course, context is everything. How did DH split up with the ex? Was there time and space between the split and meeting OP or was the OP 'the reason' for the split. If the latter, I can see how DH would feel especially keen to include his DS. I personally think it must be awful when parents split due to an infidelity.

On the behaviour, age will have a lot to do with it and (dare I say it), gender. Not always, but boys often are more boisterous around that age and I'm sure that DD gets plenty of attention being 2.

What has the "were you the OW" cliche got to do with the grandparents having a different relationship with their own grandkid? The dad has no right to expect everyone to compensate for his decisions even if he did decide to cheat.

And the "boys will be boys" talk turns my stomach. I don't know many people that would enjoy pandering to a boisterous 8 year old boy they don't feel the same familial connection to when they just want to spend some time with their toddler GD.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/07/2022 15:47

Arrivederla · 02/07/2022 14:27

Maybe, just maybe, try reading the full thread before commenting? 🙄

Show quote history

No need to, I read ops posts and that was enough thanks.

hullabaloo22 · 02/07/2022 15:52

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 15:47

What has the "were you the OW" cliche got to do with the grandparents having a different relationship with their own grandkid? The dad has no right to expect everyone to compensate for his decisions even if he did decide to cheat.

And the "boys will be boys" talk turns my stomach. I don't know many people that would enjoy pandering to a boisterous 8 year old boy they don't feel the same familial connection to when they just want to spend some time with their toddler GD.

Show quote history

I think stepkids should be included as full members of the family. If DH has parents that live abroad (wasn't sure if that was the case for DSS's mother's parents too?), then especially so.

But, hands up, I'm did not grew up in one and am not in a blended family either.

I do have several DC and boys are a bit more boisterous (than most) girls. It's just the way it is. Doesn't mean you accept bad behaviour but there is a subtle difference. Age in this case mostly the main differentiator, I'd say.

Hands up - no, I don't like it when men OR women go down the infidelity route. Divorce, yes, but don't do this. Just think it's selfish tbh. Realise that was not part of the discussion, but maybe if you go into a blended family situation and you are the OW (or OM), you'd be fully inclusive.

Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 15:53

Would you mind DHs parents asking for time with just their grandson so they can focus on him?
if not, YANBU.

Threetulips · 02/07/2022 15:55

OP very clearly said DHs parents live abroad so I’m not sure what you read

Nope -

I said DHs family are out of the country. His mum's live locally Page 5

Im not sure what yooooou read - how rude!

GrinAndVomit · 02/07/2022 15:56

“I think it would be really nice for Dss to have you all to himself today so I’m going to take DD to my parents. We’ll be back at x o’clock. Shall I pick up some food or do you fancy takeaway for a change?”

BattenburgDonkey · 02/07/2022 16:03

Threetulips · 02/07/2022 15:55

OP very clearly said DHs parents live abroad so I’m not sure what you read

Nope -

I said DHs family are out of the country. His mum's live locally Page 5

Im not sure what yooooou read - how rude!

The kid, DSS his mums parents live locally, not DHs parents, you’ve even quoted that bit, but you’ve misread it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 16:06

Would you mind DHs parents asking for time with just their grandson so they can focus on him?

if not, YANBU.

EXACTLY!!!

BattenburgDonkey · 02/07/2022 16:08

Have we been told he doesn't have GPs on his mother's side?

Yes, they're out of the country.

Ops response that you quoted @Threetulips was in response to these questions at the bottom of page 4. Someone asked if he had parents on his mums side, a poster said yes theyre out of the country (amongst other stuff), Op replied that DHs parents are out of the country, but the kids mums parents live locally.

funinthesun19 · 02/07/2022 16:09

It’s perfectly fine for you to go out with your DD and your family. Your DD is allowed time with just you and her maternal family without DSS there too. Your DH isn’t even going!

Anyone who has an issue with this and thinks DSS is missing out probably also thinks DSS should get plenty of time with just his father. Well… today he can! Win win for everyone. Or is that not quite so important when the stepmum and her child are up to something themselves?

Plus you’ll be waiting until after lunchtime. To put it bluntly… why should you? His father should be the one making plans around his child, not you.

Pleaseletmeconfirm · 02/07/2022 16:14

I think I'd have lied and said my parents wanted to discuss something sensitive with me. Otherwise I can't see how you could do this without it hurting DHs feeling.

It's really lovely that you all get on so well.

funinthesun19 · 02/07/2022 16:15

Would you mind DHs parents asking for time with just their grandson so they can focus on him?

But they share the same father, so his parents are not the equivalent of OP’s parents. Otherwise that would be absolutely fine if they didn’t share the same paternal grandparents and DSS went out with his grandparents for the day.

What you are suggesting is that a shared grandparent treats their grandchildren differently. Not cool. OP’s parents aren’t treating DSS differently.

Tandora · 02/07/2022 16:15

YABU. You shouldn’t have partnered with a man with children, if you didn’t want them around.

Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 16:18

@funinthesun19 quite shit for them not to view their daughters stepson as part of their family and to treat them differently.

funinthesun19 · 02/07/2022 16:21

Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 16:18

@funinthesun19 quite shit for them not to view their daughters stepson as part of their family and to treat them differently.

They’re allowed time with their daughter and grandchild though. DH isn’t even going, and DSS has a hobby until lunchtime. Why can’t DSS spend the afternoon with his father after his hobby has finished? I thought that time was important?

Benjispruce4 · 02/07/2022 16:21

Just go while he’s out then say it was an impromptu thing. Be vague about where you are. Totally ok to do things separately some times and he should spend some time 1:1 with his son.

Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 16:23

@funinthesun19 course they are. I was responding to your comment about treating them differently.

TimBoothseyes · 02/07/2022 16:33

funinthesun19 · 02/07/2022 16:21

They’re allowed time with their daughter and grandchild though. DH isn’t even going, and DSS has a hobby until lunchtime. Why can’t DSS spend the afternoon with his father after his hobby has finished? I thought that time was important?

Show quote history

I agree.
There are countless threads on here where the OP posts that a father doesn't spend time with his child/ren and the usual replies are "go out for the day and leave him to parent his own child/ren", yet on here it seems to be "no, the child must be with you and it's not fair to leave him just with his dad". I can only guess that the reason for this is because the OP in this case is a SM and here, on MN, the SM is expected to take up any parenting slack the father displays and she must put her DD and herself to the back of the queue when it comes to what she wants to do.