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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 02/07/2022 18:05

Sounds like your DH is a bit lazy about entertaining his own child tbh and he uses the whole “but he wants to come / they want him to come” as an excuse tbh. I’d be following up on this tomorrow by reiterating that it’s important that your parents and grandparents have time with just their own grandchild from time to time. If he protests, turn it back on him
“do you not want to spend 1 on 1 time with your own child?”

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 02/07/2022 18:05

I've a feeling this is about your dp not wanting to parent tbh......ask him why he's so scared of parenting his child alone and stop pandering to this nonsense

Poda1 · 02/07/2022 18:09

In my opinion, I think it’s quite sad to exclude him especially as you’re saying he’d chose to come. Surely when you marry someone with a child you take on that child as your own and the grandparents should do the same. How would you feel if you separated from your husband and his new wife suggested excluding your children. I would treat the child as my own and include him in everything I’d do with my biological child and I’d expect my parents to do the same. If they treated the child different I’d tell them where to go. How can an 8 year old child, who obviously adores your parents, be such a problem you don’t want him there.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 18:11

@Poda1

“Surely when you marry someone with a child you take on that child as your own and the grandparents should do the same.”

nah

especially when the child has their own mother

also do you mean op should be telling him off and disciplining and making key decisions about his life in the same way she’d for her own child?? I think not

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 18:12

Surely when you marry someone with a child you take on that child as your own and the grandparents should do the same.

Nope. I took him on as my partner's child I spend some time with, parents didn't take him on as anything but see him as SILs child.

How can an 8 year old child, who obviously adores your parents, be such a problem you don’t want him there.

By being, like many 8 year old's, a total PITA. I've never met a non related 8 year old I'd happily take along every time I saw my family.

Poda1 · 02/07/2022 18:18

Very very sad to see the comments on here of why should the grandparents treat him the same. A child is a child. He’s 8 years old! Absolutely crazy to me that people can say it’s ok to treat children differently. If a child’s behaviour is such a problem you want to go out without them, then surely that’s down to parenting. If he has a diagnosis, then he should have more leeway!

saraclara · 02/07/2022 18:20

Surely when you marry someone with a child you take on that child as your own

I suspect the child's mother might take issue with that.

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 18:20

Poda1 · 02/07/2022 18:18

Very very sad to see the comments on here of why should the grandparents treat him the same. A child is a child. He’s 8 years old! Absolutely crazy to me that people can say it’s ok to treat children differently. If a child’s behaviour is such a problem you want to go out without them, then surely that’s down to parenting. If he has a diagnosis, then he should have more leeway!

How many children do you and your parents/most people treat identically to your own children?

It's not sad to not do this. Most people do not do this.

Poda1 · 02/07/2022 18:23

If you’re a parental figure who has the child for almost 50% of the time then yes of course you should discipline the child. Key decisions are made by the involved parents, biological or not. Poor attitude, Nah. Why not? Why marry someone with a young child if you don’t want to look after them the same as you would your own. Jealousy perhaps.

Poda1 · 02/07/2022 18:24

Perhaps yourself and who you know but that’s certainly not the case for me!

BadNomad · 02/07/2022 18:25

It's perfectly normal to treat an 8-year-old and a 2-year-old differently. It's perfectly normal for parents to do different things with their children. It's perfectly normal for parents to do things apart.

Herejustforthisone · 02/07/2022 18:26

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:46

Thanks, was really nice. It was a different dynamic and we did all enjoy it. Think we need it sometimes.

And you’re absolutely well within your rights to want and have it. Good for you. I hope you all had a lovely, well deserved day. Any issues were entirely your idiotic husband’s fault, not yours.

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 18:27

Poda1 · 02/07/2022 18:23

If you’re a parental figure who has the child for almost 50% of the time then yes of course you should discipline the child. Key decisions are made by the involved parents, biological or not. Poor attitude, Nah. Why not? Why marry someone with a young child if you don’t want to look after them the same as you would your own. Jealousy perhaps.

What on Earth does jealousy have to do with it? Such a lazy argument.

I got involved with a man with a child because I fell for him, nothing to do with the child really. And I had every confidence he was able to continue being his child's parent without needing to recruit me as an additional parent.

TimBoothseyes · 02/07/2022 18:34

Surely when you marry someone with a child you take on that child as your own

Does that include being able to discipline them as you would your own or just when it comes to doing something that involves time or money?

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 18:36

TimBoothseyes · 02/07/2022 18:34

Surely when you marry someone with a child you take on that child as your own

Does that include being able to discipline them as you would your own or just when it comes to doing something that involves time or money?

Or being a skivvy.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/07/2022 18:37

Just wondering here - does your step son's mother take your daughter at all? I realise that it is a bit of a strange request, but surely if you were to suggest to your DH that the next time your DSS goes back to his biological mother (sorry if that is the incorrect descriptive to use here as I realise that you're clearly a hands-on step-mum) that he should bring his half sister with him to stay. That's as close as I can get to the silly suggestion that he made to you earlier today.

It does also read as though he needs your involvement in the parenting, whether that is because he doesn't feel confident to do it by himself or something else but if you had taken the two kids, he would have had a child free Saturday (they are like gold dust). Do you ever get a child free Saturday?

TimBoothseyes · 02/07/2022 18:37

If a child’s behaviour is such a problem you want to go out without them, then surely that’s down to parenting.

So let the parents deal with it, it's not down to the OP to do that, what with her not being his actual parent.

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 18:40

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:46

Thanks, was really nice. It was a different dynamic and we did all enjoy it. Think we need it sometimes.

I hope you continue to do so. Your dh seems to strongly want to palm your dss onto everyone to entertain. Did he do anything with dss while yourll were out? How is you being with your family excluding dss, I can understand if all of you including dh went and didn't invite him along. His mum and her parents need to fulfill this. Your dd has her own gp and relationship with them.

aloris · 02/07/2022 18:42

I think you would have a similar issue if both children were biologically yours. Children with strong personalities can easily take over the family atmosphere of an outing and cause the younger or quieter children to be comparatively ignored, and it's really unfair on the quieter ones to find themselves always playing alone in a corner because the louder child is ensuring that everyone watches them put on a play or shoot basketballs or do tricks on their bike for hours. I think the solution is to plan an activity with your parents that would ONLY be interesting to a 2 year old. This allows your 2yo to have some of the fun experiences on which they would otherwise miss out because their family life is centered on what an 8 year old wants. But I think even if you just want to go and play blocks with your parents, then you say that. Make it about the younger child not getting the chance to shine and to form her own relationships with her grandparents. If your dh wants to complain then you can't stop him. But you can stand up for your younger child and her need to have the family spotlight sometimes.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 18:44

Poda1 · 02/07/2022 18:23

If you’re a parental figure who has the child for almost 50% of the time then yes of course you should discipline the child. Key decisions are made by the involved parents, biological or not. Poor attitude, Nah. Why not? Why marry someone with a young child if you don’t want to look after them the same as you would your own. Jealousy perhaps.

@Poda1

jealousy?!

how you do you mean?

or are you just saying words now

Fundays12 · 02/07/2022 18:59

OP going forward it might be an idea to start making arrangements to see your parents once a month or so without your hubby and stepchild. It’s not wrong to want to see your parents without your dh there let alone your dsd. I have 3 kids and rarely take all 3 to my mums as they are at schools etc. My dh comes to visit twice a year at the most. My step dad is rarely there either. It’s fine to spend time on your own with your parents or without other family members. Your dh should start doing things like taking his son on his own to the cinema. It’s lovely one to one bonding time. You sound like a great step parent but your needs to step but realise you do not need to be together all the time.

Newestname002 · 02/07/2022 19:00

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:46

Thanks, was really nice. It was a different dynamic and we did all enjoy it. Think we need it sometimes.

Glad you and DD had a good time with your birth family, OP. Sounds like they enjoyed it too.

Now you've started, hopefully it will get easier for your husband to accept further similar visits, whilst he spends 1:1 time with his son. However, whether he accepts it or not, I think you should continue visits where you see your side of the family, with DD, more often. 🌹

PattyMelt · 02/07/2022 19:05

He was pissy about you going alone? What does he think you are joined at the hip and can't go anywhere without him. Or is he annoyed at having to parent his child on his own, when he can pawn him off on your parents and sit back and visit.

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 19:22

I see the tired old "surely when you marry a man with a child" line has been trotted out... Sigh.
There's nothing "surely" about other people's lives/families/relationships.
I have never been asked to pretend to be DSDs mother. She knows who I am, she knows who her parents are, she knows who my parents are. She knows she has family that aren't shared with DS, she knows she has family who are shared with DS. She has different relationships with different people than DS. They are different people with different families.
What in the name of fuck is wrong with being honest with kids and helping them understand their own reality?

Cloudysunday · 02/07/2022 19:23

@Poda1

I can assure you if that my DC’s SM had tried to discipline my DC , she would have been left in no doubt she was out of order . Similarly if I had tried to discipline my DSD, their DM would - rightly - have been angry with me.