Not fulfilling my wifely duties.

[supersonicspider]

This is what DH told me last night at 10pm when I was finally ready to sit down on the sofa for an hour before bedtime. He was horny and tried to pull me upstairs. I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties, then stormed off upstairs. Last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him. AIBU?

If he's mean to you he's not fulfilling his. To love and to cherish and all that?

Well if he's often mean to you there is more to discuss here I feel.

"He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard"

So he sexually assaulted you.

How much did the dentist quote to replace his teeth?

What century is he living in? 'Wifely duties'? What a wierd sense of entitlement

Thanks. I've posted before. It's just so toxic and I don't know how to make it stop. He doesn't think he's in the wrong in how he treats me. His opinion is that if I were happier and less anxious, tired and devoted to our kids, then he wouldn't need to be 'mean'.

I’m sorry he sexually assaulted you. Leave him

YANBU except to have married someone who can use the phrase'wifely duties' with a straight face. Yuk.

Thanks. I've posted before. It's just so toxic and I don't know how to make it stop

why can’t you just leave

He sounds delightful, not!
I think you've got to address the problems in your marriage and not just the fact you didn't want sex tonight and he was a massive dick about it (no pun intended)

Because I don't have another house to go to and I'd need my children to leave with me, and I couldn't take them from their home.

Confused as to why it's sexual assault. He didn't do anything to my body. I'm very familiar with his body so wouldn't it be the same as him putting my hand on his biceps to show me he's been working out (he hasn't)? Sorry for sounding dumb. I suppose it's because we've been together for 20 years.

He 'made you touch his dick' - it wasn't your choice.

He sounds like a total prince - not. Have my very first LTB. He sounds entitled and your best bet is to get a parachute fund in place to get out.

See a solicitor - you can likely keep your home. But if not I’d bet your kids would want their mum to be happy and not in an abusive relationship where they have to touch someone’s penis without consent.

No, it’s not like touching a bicep. Perhaps you should do the Freedom programme or similar

It's not a fuckinv duty. He's supposed to entice you to want to have sex with him. Yuck. Tell him to up his game if eh wants you to want to have sex with him.

That’s nothing like a husband. That’s something else.

Why can't I leave him...?

• no where to go
• can't face sharing the children with him
• scary to cause huge upheaval
• don't earn very much
• he might stop being mean one day
• scared to tell people
• scared he'll bad mouth me to children
• sad that our marriage will have failed

Oh for goodness sake!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Ughhh! Tell him to sort himself out. The only reason to have sex is because you want to.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, I'm afraid. By and large, people don't change. Please talk to a lawyer and start looking into benefits available/finances - it might take some of the fear out of things for you.

Reasons that I should leave him...

• tells me off in front of children ie, the way you've parked the car is terrible.
• calls me names
• laughs when me or the kids are emotional, cross or upset
• inconsiderate ie, telly too loud, will step over stuff going up the stairs
• sarcastic
• criticises how I sit or pronounce a word / accent.
• forgets plans, arrangements frequently
• randomly brings up old arguments or disagreements
• puts me down in front of kids
• argues with me in front of kids
• randomly take naps or baths whenever he wants to regardless of whether it's in the middle of bedtime routine or getting kids ready for school

-criticises what I wear ie, why are you wearing that? You look like a granny

• blames me for a panic attack or poor nights sleep
• insists that I say his name and wait until I'm certain that I have his attention before talking to him
• I can't fully rely on him as he's forgotten to pick kids up or give them dinner in the past (apparently they didn't tell they were hungry)

I'm sure I could write a similar length list of the nice things he does, but I don't think they cancel out the shit stuff. It's good to vent as I can't tell anyone in RL the full picture, just snippets

My partner does this to me all the time, he grabs my hand to make me touch it if I've said no.
I hate when he does it but I don't think I could call it sexual assault.

He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties, then stormed off upstairs.

If my husband pulled that shit with me, it would be the last time any part of my body went near his dick for a LONG time.

What an absolute pig.

@DestinationUnknownn How else could you describe 'he grabs my hand to make me touch it if I've said no. I hate when he does it'? That sadly sounds textbook. He doesn't have to go as far as rape to be sexually assaulting you. I'm so sorry that you and the OP have had to experience this, especially with someone who you should feel safe with.

Start an escape plan, make sure you have your own bank account, get any payments you have incoming moved to your account, get as much money together as you can, get cashback when you go shopping. Do your detective work & get copies of dh payslips, bank statements, pension statements, have a root online to check he hasn't any secret accounts you don't know about. Make sure you have things like driving licence, passport, birth certificates for you & dc etc. Do you have anyone you trust who you could move anything precious to you to? Register with your council housing list, while you are doing all this grey rock him, you have time because you don't have to leave this minute. Find a good solicitor when you have all your information who can advise what you would likely get, speak to Women's Aid if you need any help. If you take photos of payslips etc, set up a secret email address & send them all to it, then you can delete them from your photos on your phone. Keep things like medication, car documents, car keys with you at all times, make sure your car has fuel in it. Remember you can speak to your doctor about any abuse so that a record is kept, also set up a file on your phone that is password protected that you can record abuse. He is definitely abusive, what he did last night was sexual abuse & from what you have said he is emotionally abusive, remember that on days he is 'nice' to you.