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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not fulfilling my wifely duties.

174 replies

supersonicspider · 01/07/2022 23:37

This is what DH told me last night at 10pm when I was finally ready to sit down on the sofa for an hour before bedtime. He was horny and tried to pull me upstairs. I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties, then stormed off upstairs. Last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hallmark1234 · 02/07/2022 07:25

So sad to read you post OP. That list of his behaviours is just awful. He neither likes, nor respects you, but I totally understand why you don't want to give up your home and disrupt your children's lives, but you need to find a way to cope with his arrogance, bullying and belittling of you, hopefully while you put the ideas others have given, to put in place plans to leave, at some time in the future.

I wish you all the best for a better life away from your arsehole 'D'H

Original poster
supersonicspider · 02/07/2022 07:25

They are 7 and 8

OP posts:
RainbowToes · 02/07/2022 07:33

You can change the situation OP, you don't have to live like that. I know it's possible because I've done it myself. Taking the first step is difficult but there's lots of support available, speak to women's aid. It's 100% worth the effort to leave in a peaceful home.

Yodaisawally · 02/07/2022 07:42

I'm guessing there is a history of physical abuse here too and you are, wrongly, ashamed to admit for whatever reason.

He's now hurting your kids, you need to get out for all your sakes.

Do you have anyone in RL you can tell the whole truth to? Or speak to women's aid?

This will only escalate.

I'm sorry you and your kids are in this situation. It's is not your fault and you should not be ashamed because he is a complete tosser.

Pandabuggle · 02/07/2022 07:43

To those questioning the OP as to why they don't 'just leave' it's not that simple, and you yourselves are lucky you've not experienced a relationship like this. Especially if there is also a child/children involved. Money may be controlled by the other person. You may not have a support network to help you get out. Fear of them tracking you down if you do get out. The children being used as a bargaining chip. The partner has already been wearing this lady's self esteem down, and is likely the type that can smooth talk someone in power, like police.

It takes a great deal of strength and courage to get out, and the stress doesn't end upon doing so. Over time you feel better. There's anger, hatred, grief. A whole emotional rollercoaster.

OP, only you know if/when you feel ready. If you can, and safely. Let someone in your RL know what is happening within your relationship. There may be local groups you can speak to for advice. I wish you the best of luck, be good to yourself.

MummyJ36 · 02/07/2022 07:44

“He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him”

I mean there’s the answer.

Also I know it’s not easy to leave someone but honestly....having experienced a situation where a parent really should have left their partner it winds me up when someone says they cant leave. It’s not good for your kids. Maybe think of them first. Unless he is physically abusive, in which case it needs to be handled in a careful/official way, you always have the option to walk out the door and release yourself and your kids from this mess.

LegInLegOut · 02/07/2022 07:47

Why are you putting him before your children?
You know what you need to do, it's up to you when and how you do it.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 02/07/2022 07:48

supersonicspider · 02/07/2022 00:07

Why can't I leave him...?

  • no where to go
  • can't face sharing the children with him
  • scary to cause huge upheaval
  • don't earn very much
  • he might stop being mean one day
  • scared to tell people
  • scared he'll bad mouth me to children
  • sad that our marriage will have failed

Your marriage has already failed and isn’t going to get better. This isn’t a mis match of communication and focus whichv can be solved.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 02/07/2022 07:51

@supersonicspider The fact you’ve posted here is good. The fog is clearing a bit, and we are a fabulous group, mostly consisting of those that are already ‘wearing the t shirt’. Between us, we have a huge collective experience of your situation and dilemma.

Along with others, I could have written out your list.

One of the things you’ve omitted from your list is the fact that the DCs are witnessing his behaviour and his toxic attitude. Sounds like they’re being physically caught up too. You need to consider the fact that they will think this is normal, and the way round it is to demonstrate that loving marriages DONT work like this, and break up.

You will feel HEAPS better if you go and see a solicitor. Get as much paperwork together as you can. The first hour is often free. They will then explain exactly what you’ll get in the event of a divorce.

I remember going to see mine initially. My heart was in my mouth! I was terrified on so many levels…but when I came out, I felt so much better, knowing what I’d get.

I had not realised how stressed I was about the finances.

newbiename · 02/07/2022 07:56

supersonicspider · 02/07/2022 00:07

Why can't I leave him...?

  • no where to go
  • can't face sharing the children with him
  • scary to cause huge upheaval
  • don't earn very much
  • he might stop being mean one day
  • scared to tell people
  • scared he'll bad mouth me to children
  • sad that our marriage will have failed

Sorry ,but your marriage has already failed.
He sounds vile.
Do you honestly think he'd have the kids much , if ever ?
Do you want your kids to think this is ok? My parents marriage was bad , I was happy when they split up.
Can you do this for another 30 years ?

PurpleDaisies · 02/07/2022 07:58

He’s hurt one of your children. He wasn’t even apologetic and blamed your child.

if you need any motivation for getting out, let that be it. Keep your children safe.

newbiename · 02/07/2022 07:59

What is your housing situation?

newbiename · 02/07/2022 08:00

supersonicspider · 02/07/2022 07:13

Do solicitors cost money? Thank you for all your advice

Yes they do , but Women's Aid are free.
I'm not sure but I think you can get legal aid in cases of abuse.
You'd also get benefits.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 02/07/2022 08:02

If you’re up to it, mention his actions to the childrens’s school. They can help and also it’s a safeguarding issue.

Ansjovis · 02/07/2022 08:06

Your original post is the tip of the iceberg. Your replies show that there is significant verbal/emotional abuse in the marriage and that your children are witnessing this. I also see that on at least one occasion your husband physically hurt one of your children.

Please try to understand the fact that you cannot stop your husband from behaving in this way, it is simply not in your control. The process of leaving him has many steps and feels overwhelming right now - can you take the first one and phone women's aid? It is not your fault that your children are experiencing this but it's up to you to be brave and take that first step so you can work towards a healthier home environment for them.

Katyrosebug · 02/07/2022 08:06

I can't believe he assaulted your child and you've done nothing about it. I bet your children will be happier in a different home with just you, you have now idea now much its damaging them at such an early age. I'd report the assault to the police and let them tell him what he did was wrong

Spritelite · 02/07/2022 08:16

He sounds exactly like my ex, and it turned out a lot of the behaviour was down to undiagnosed ADHD. It doesn’t excuse anything, but might be worth looking into.
Good luck!

Blueberryface · 02/07/2022 08:18

Sounds like there is a bit of Reverse psychology going on here, always making you think you're in the wrong and never considering it could be him.

Try and be stronger, I know it's difficult but stand up and put him in his place. It will take time and if it doesn't work - well then you know you deserve better
X

Blueberryface · 02/07/2022 08:22

Omg.. pleeasseeeee try and do something. You can't live like this, and neither can you children!! You don't want them growing up this is normal.
This is emotional abuse for sure. And sad to hear

TimeSlipMushroom · 02/07/2022 08:32

You need to protect your children from physical abuse and from witnessing abuse towards you.

There is support out there for you. You probably feel a sense of shame about what he is doing to you but he is the only one that should be feeling this.

I got out of a similar situation. It was hard at first but life is now 1000 times better. Picture bringing up your children in a calm and living home without violence or abuse and keep this as your focus. You can do this

toooldtocarewhoknows · 02/07/2022 08:32

been and done it. · 01/07/2022 23:40

How much did the dentist quote to replace his teeth?

Grin
Fireflygal · 02/07/2022 08:46

Op, many of us have been where you are now...the fear of leaving and feeling as if it's impossible however it will be possible.

The first step is to decide the behaviour is unacceptable and you and your children deserve more. Sounds easy but it isn't as abuse undermines our self esteem and we get confused by the behaviour. He victim blames and that causes you to feel responsible.His comment about sex reflect his sense of entitlement. Its not surprising counselling made the situation worse, often the case with abusive men.

So housing is the first concern as we all fear being homeless. Do you own/rent? Do you know financial details?

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 02/07/2022 08:48

Op wake up. He is abusing your kids now, not just you anymore and he doesn't give a shit. I'd not only leave him, I'd destroy him. I'd be reporting him to the police and making sure he has a charge against him so it ruins his career. I'd leave him and tell everyone why, including his friends and family, that he hurt his own child and wife and doesn't give a shit about it. If they choose to believe him, more fool them.

If you don't leave, you are subjecting your kids to more abuse and that's not fair on them. He will never ever change so stop thinking that. He doesn't deserve a second chance, he's had thousands! So not that excuse either. You must leave, however hard that is. You will cope, and you'll all be happy. If you report him for child abuse too, that could hopefully mean he must be monitored while with his kids so that ruins him there too. But I doubt he'll bother to see them.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 08:54

Your DC will get older, your DS will become a teenager and if your H thinks he’s entitled to physically punish or push them around it will only get worse.

Counselling made it worse because he’s abusive. You can’t fix an abusive marriage or relationship, except by leaving and shoring up your boundaries to prevent your abuser hurting you again.

babbi · 02/07/2022 08:54

Nat6999 · 02/07/2022 00:44

Start an escape plan, make sure you have your own bank account, get any payments you have incoming moved to your account, get as much money together as you can, get cashback when you go shopping. Do your detective work & get copies of dh payslips, bank statements, pension statements, have a root online to check he hasn't any secret accounts you don't know about. Make sure you have things like driving licence, passport, birth certificates for you & dc etc. Do you have anyone you trust who you could move anything precious to you to? Register with your council housing list, while you are doing all this grey rock him, you have time because you don't have to leave this minute. Find a good solicitor when you have all your information who can advise what you would likely get, speak to Women's Aid if you need any help. If you take photos of payslips etc, set up a secret email address & send them all to it, then you can delete them from your photos on your phone. Keep things like medication, car documents, car keys with you at all times, make sure your car has fuel in it. Remember you can speak to your doctor about any abuse so that a record is kept, also set up a file on your phone that is password protected that you can record abuse. He is definitely abusive, what he did last night was sexual abuse & from what you have said he is emotionally abusive, remember that on days he is 'nice' to you.

OP please read what @Nat6999
has written .. screenshot it and then get to work .
i understand the thought is daunting but you CAN leave .
there are so many women on here who did the same thing who will be only too happy to offer advice along the journey .

I felt totally overwhelmed at the idea but in reality it was way easier than I expected .

in general everyone was very kind and supportive in RL too .

2 things I would highlight to you :

I thought it would be a big shock to people when I said we were splitting.I thought we had kept things indoors and relatively secret . I was totally astonished at how much outsiders picked up our strife without us talking about it .Friends were ready to lend support.

People who were not close friends actually didn’t give two hoots about our split they were too busy with their own lives 😊

so please don’t worry about the old chestnut “what will people think or say “

good luck OP.

you deserve better .. move on for your sake and for your children.

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