Page 7 | Not fulfilling my wifely duties.

Lesleyann13 · 02/07/2022 16:58

It is really bad advice encouraging someone to stay. It’s more damaging to them to stay until they can make their own decisions. Never advice someone to stay with an abuser. That is insane

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 02/07/2022 17:10

Tiredofthemadness · 02/07/2022 12:40

It really is, nobody should make you touch a private part of their body (or yours) without your permission. Regardless of whether it's your boss, a friend, a stranger, a relative or your husband

You shouldn't be touching your bosses dick

You shouldn't be touching your friends dick

You shouldn't be touching a strangers dick

You shouldn't be touching your relatives dick

However, you should be regularly touching your husbands dick, and I would imagine it would be a bit tedious to sign a consent form before every touch. Not to mention a mood killer.

I think I must live on another planet sometimes.

Thank you for correcting us of our ridiculous impression that even in marriage sex should be a fun and pleasurable thing both people want to do. If the mood is forcing someone to do something the mood is rape.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/07/2022 17:15

DestinationUnknownn · 02/07/2022 00:30

My partner does this to me all the time, he grabs my hand to make me touch it if I've said no.
I hate when he does it but I don't think I could call it sexual assault.

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It IS sexual assut though.

KittyKatya · 02/07/2022 17:35

Tiredofthemadness · 02/07/2022 12:40

It really is, nobody should make you touch a private part of their body (or yours) without your permission. Regardless of whether it's your boss, a friend, a stranger, a relative or your husband

You shouldn't be touching your bosses dick

You shouldn't be touching your friends dick

You shouldn't be touching a strangers dick

You shouldn't be touching your relatives dick

However, you should be regularly touching your husbands dick, and I would imagine it would be a bit tedious to sign a consent form before every touch. Not to mention a mood killer.

I think I must live on another planet sometimes.

No one should feel obligated to “regularly touch their husbands dick”. You are either missing the point entirely or you have a very archaic view of marriage that clearly lines up pretty well with the views of OP’s husband. No one is saying you have to sign a consent form before every sexual act, but if one party is visibly, audibly or in any way expressing that they are uncomfortable and that it is not what they want to be doing then the other party shouldn’t force the issue, whether they are married or not. If a woman wants to touch a part of a man’s body she can choose to do it. If she doesn’t, then it’s safe to assume that is not something she wants to be doing so there’s no need for a man to reach out and move her limbs for her.

These imaginary consent forms you’ve made up may sound tedious to you but being expected to give up your body at a moments notice just because you’ve signed a marriage contract is even more absurd. You know in this day and age, men can actually pleasure themselves!

Maytodecember · 02/07/2022 17:53

supersonicspider · 01/07/2022 23:44

Because I don't have another house to go to and I'd need my children to leave with me, and I couldn't take them from their home.

Confused as to why it's sexual assault. He didn't do anything to my body. I'm very familiar with his body so wouldn't it be the same as him putting my hand on his biceps to show me he's been working out (he hasn't)? Sorry for sounding dumb. I suppose it's because we've been together for 20 years.

If a random man stopped you in the street and made you put your hand on his penis, through his clothes, is that not sexual assault? Same goes for your husband.

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2022 18:22

You shouldn't be touching your bosses dick

You shouldn't be touching your friends dick

You shouldn't be touching a strangers dick

You shouldn't be touching your relatives dick

However, you should be regularly touching your husbands dick, and I would imagine it would be a bit tedious to sign a consent form before every touch. Not to mention a mood killer.

I think I must live on another planet sometimes.

Yes, I think you must (I wouldn't want to live on it). Or you are being wilfully obtuse. This is not about when someone should or should not touch someone else's dick. It's about when a man should make someone to touch his dick... clue: that's NEVER. Do you think a man should force any woman to touch his dick? Ever? If so, then I'm rather glad if you live on a different planet.

Do you think the OP's partner was unaware that she did not want this?:

I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties.

Dorigen · 02/07/2022 19:43

Lesleyann13 · 02/07/2022 16:58

It is really bad advice encouraging someone to stay. It’s more damaging to them to stay until they can make their own decisions. Never advice someone to stay with an abuser. That is insane

If you think that, you have never lived with someone who stayed just on the right side of the law where abuse is concerned. Unless you genuinely believe that it's okay for children to be unsupervised with someone who's abusive, but "not abusive enough". My children are now adults, and they now understand the nuances of this problem. Fact is: leaving someone who's a vile, unspeakable abuser is relatively easy, as you know your children will never, ever have to be with them unsupervised. Leaving someone who's abusive enough to be a monster, but not abusive enough to be doing anything that merits supervised contact only is a very, very different matter. Please don't minimise this problem, as there are many women for whom it is the living truth.

Lesleyann13 · 02/07/2022 19:56

You never ever stay with an abuser. That does way more damage to children. You leave and make provisions for limited contact if they are not physically violent. You cannot stay with someone for years until children are older to the cost of your mental health, that’s absolutely ludicrous. You go grey rock while you get your ducks in a row to leave but you leave as soon as possible when you wake up to the fact. It’s not the 50s.

Lesleyann13 · 02/07/2022 19:59

Also I need to add, children so far far better with one stable mentally healthy parent and limited contact with an abusive then being in a house with an abuser and a broken mother.

PinkSyCo · 02/07/2022 20:00

Even before I read your list of reasons to leave him I was going to advise you to LTB. He sounds absolutely vile ugh.

Dorigen · 02/07/2022 20:06

Lesleyann13 · 02/07/2022 19:59

Also I need to add, children so far far better with one stable mentally healthy parent and limited contact with an abusive then being in a house with an abuser and a broken mother.

There's no future in derailing the OP's thread - but only people who have been in this situation will understand this. There is no contact that's limited enough when you know what an abuser is capable of, even if it's still "legal". The only way you can make sure your children are safe is never, ever to leave them in the sole care of an abuser. My ex husband would have tried to go for a 50:50 child arrangement order, and it wouldn't have been granted as I was a SAHM and the primary carer - but he'd still have had at least EOW and one night a week when they were younger. Over my dead body was that going to happen.

Dorigen · 02/07/2022 20:08

Also, @Lesleyann13 , there is physical abuse that is regarded (by the law and SS - I know, because I spent a fortune finding out) as just about reasonable, and emotional abuse, which is just as damaging but is invisible. But I realise I'm projecting here, and the OP's situation is unique to her, so my comments may not (all) be applicable.

Lesleyann13 · 02/07/2022 20:15

I totally understand what you are saying. I’ve dealt with this exact problem myself. Now that I am out of the equation and have been for 7 years I know I took the right path by leaving. We are so lucky now the UK because we have the coercive control law now and it’s taken very seriously. If they are abusive but it is invisible abuse. I counter act my ex’s behaviour, I have no doubt it will have a negative affect because he’s a gaslighter but he doesn’t have enough access for it to have a big impact. It’s tricky and I’d wish I had never been in the situation but my daughter is doing really well.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/07/2022 20:31

supersonicspider · 02/07/2022 14:53

When you say 'explain the situation at home' to get it recorded in school and GP system, what do you mean? It feels so private. What would I need to say? We are not in danger. I did the abusive checklist on the womens aid website and only ticked one box. He's isn't violent, drinking or drugs, he's not with holding money or stopping me working or seeing friends.

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I’d say ticking any of the boxes on a domestic abuse checklist is a big red flag. In a happy and healthy relationship i wouldn’t expect any to be ticked.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/07/2022 20:39

Nat6999 · 02/07/2022 00:44

Start an escape plan, make sure you have your own bank account, get any payments you have incoming moved to your account, get as much money together as you can, get cashback when you go shopping. Do your detective work & get copies of dh payslips, bank statements, pension statements, have a root online to check he hasn't any secret accounts you don't know about. Make sure you have things like driving licence, passport, birth certificates for you & dc etc. Do you have anyone you trust who you could move anything precious to you to? Register with your council housing list, while you are doing all this grey rock him, you have time because you don't have to leave this minute. Find a good solicitor when you have all your information who can advise what you would likely get, speak to Women's Aid if you need any help. If you take photos of payslips etc, set up a secret email address & send them all to it, then you can delete them from your photos on your phone. Keep things like medication, car documents, car keys with you at all times, make sure your car has fuel in it. Remember you can speak to your doctor about any abuse so that a record is kept, also set up a file on your phone that is password protected that you can record abuse. He is definitely abusive, what he did last night was sexual abuse & from what you have said he is emotionally abusive, remember that on days he is 'nice' to you.

This is very good advice.
good luck op.

perfectstorm · 02/07/2022 20:54

supersonicspider · 02/07/2022 14:53

When you say 'explain the situation at home' to get it recorded in school and GP system, what do you mean? It feels so private. What would I need to say? We are not in danger. I did the abusive checklist on the womens aid website and only ticked one box. He's isn't violent, drinking or drugs, he's not with holding money or stopping me working or seeing friends.

Show quote history

He is emotionally and sexually abusive. He demeans, belittles, sneers at and devalues you. He is cruel and he is abusive, and if you call Women's Aid and tell them what you have written on Mumsnet about him over the threads I promise you, they won't think it is nothing and nor will the school or the GP. This is not normal. Not even close.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme? I think you could do with it.

Nat6999 · 02/07/2022 23:51

Anyone who wants to know why I give the advice I do on getting ready to end a marriage, it's all the things I didn't do & I lost out on a lot of things that would have been useful.

Original poster

supersonicspider · 03/07/2022 03:00

I managed to talk to a friend in RL today. Told half the story but it was a starting point.

OP posts:

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 03/07/2022 07:42

The relief in telling someone is huge @supersonicspider Keep going…

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 03/07/2022 07:47

Well done op! That's massive. If you can, keep talking to your friend about your situation. This is the first step. If you can, try really hard to be kind to yourself today. If you can't tell yourself how well you have done. Listen to me. You are awesome! You have great strength.

Zonder · 03/07/2022 08:13

Well done OP. Hopefully you are starting to see that what has become normal in your household really isn't right and you don't have to put up with it.

Original poster

supersonicspider · 04/07/2022 17:50

Thank you so much for your kind words x

OP posts:

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 04/07/2022 21:20

Keep talking to your friend. You can become the strong woman you are really. Dont doubt yourself!

nutmegx · 04/07/2022 22:42

Couldn't read this without saying how sorry I am you are going through this. You don't deserve it. I understand the internal argument of 'he's not always like it'. You will always be on edge, not knowing when it will become a bad day, always trying to avoid upsetting him to save yourself and the kids. No woman should live that way