Not fulfilling my wifely duties.

[supersonicspider]

This is what DH told me last night at 10pm when I was finally ready to sit down on the sofa for an hour before bedtime. He was horny and tried to pull me upstairs. I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties, then stormed off upstairs. Last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him. AIBU?

oh op.
a lot of your fears could be alleviated by a solicitors appointment and talking it through with them. The financials and housing situation will not be unique.

if he’s putting you down in front of the kids is that the kind of relationship you want to model to them? Is that what you would want for them?

Have you googled the word narcissist? If he is one (which it sounds like) then it might help you to read about it. His behaviour sounds like emotional abuse. My sister is in the process of divorcing a similar man after 20 years and unfortunately he is pulling out every horrible, manipulative trick he can now she's dared to stop being submissive to him. They are a special breed of horrible.

If you aren't ready to leave, the best things you can do are to start logging all his behaviour with dates - every little thing. Ring women's aid to start confiding in someone who can signpost you to help when you want it.

My sisters husband told her solicitor that she hadn't been acting like a wife should the last couple of years - sound familiar?

I split it with my ex 10 years ago I am now in a better financial position that I was when I was married okay the worlds moved on so my house that I was in when I was married is now worth £350,000 but 10 years ago it was worth 240 and I am now in a better house than that, does that make sense ? Bloody kicking myself I didn’t do this sooner because I could’ve been in a far better financial position by now.

you think you need him but you don’t.

He's an abusive bastard with no respect for you. Think about how lovely your life will be without him around.

If it's safe to do so - by which I mean how it would affect your children. If he is safe to have access to the children alone - then leave. It doesn't matter that your lifestyle will suffer because you can get it all back. You can't get your time and life back from being with someone who makes you miserable. You can always start again.

Another who thinks you should start making plans to leave. When I split with my ex (he had an affair) we were in a council property. I was sure I'd have to move and went to try to speak to council to sort it out and they very clearly made me realise it was the children and I who had the right to the family home and he had to move out and I was given a lot of support by them which I'm more grateful for now rather than then!

Obviously your situation may be different depending on if you own or rent but it is definitely worth finding out now how your housing situation could work so you have the information needed.

I ended up a single mum to four children. It was difficult initially financially but there is financial support out there and I soon found a new job that worked around being a single parent even though it wasn't a choice I'd have considered prior.

You need to speak to women's aid

"Insists that I say his name and wait until I'm certain that I have his attention before talking to him"
^
What the actual Fuck ?^

You need to leave him. You only get one life, do you want to spend the rest of yours like this?

Men like this are the scum of the earth.

Yesterday unsolicitedly I pinched my boyfriends ass when he came from workout at the gym, is that sexual assault too? I feel bad now :-(

It's typical MN hyperbole. I've been sexually assaulted myself, and my husband has forced my hand onto his dick. These are the not the same thing.

How old are the children? Will they refuse to come with you?

If you are not being abused by him, you can choose to leave with a deposit for a rental and a job.

If you have a case for abuse a domestic violence organisation can help you get rehoused and into temporary accommodation.

He's a narcissist

I haven't read the whole thread but wow!

"How do I make it stop"

You can't, you can only leave him, only he can decide to change and that doesn't seem likely now does it?

"no where to go"

You find somewhere for your kids sake. Women's refuge, speak to council, parents, friends, rental. Think short term then long term after.

"can't face sharing the children with him"

You should already be doing this in an equal marriage he should be looking after then too they are also his kids. If he doesn't look after them now doubt he will be bothered to if you split.

"scary to cause huge upheaval"

Scarier to live with a man who treats you like a worthless piece of shit and thinks he's owed sex, what kind of role model is that for your kids and their future relationships. It's not going to get any better, it might just get worse.

"don't earn very much"

There is more you can do about this if you are willing. Start looking into what benefits you could receive as a single mother. Would a career change help. Is there training you can do to further your career, will an employer fund it for example some NHS, teaching? Can you get free advice from the citizens advice bureau and online. Is there help with childcare you could find so you can work additional hours to top up earnings? Change jobs in your current field or opportunity to work your way up? When you leave he will still need to contribute towards his kids financially and you can go for CM depending on settlement.

"he might stop being mean one day"

Very very unlikely when it gets him what he wants or he is just a nasty person. They don't usually have an epiphany unless something drastic happens to give them a shock like their partner leaving them and even then it's only usually short lived.

"scared to tell people"

Is it really easier to live a lie to keep the status quo with someone who doesn't love or respect you and be abused until he one day cheats on you and leaves you anyway? Do you think people wouldn't support you and if so why not? Most people if they are your friend at all will support you. It's more common than you think, something like 1 in 2 marriages break down. It's not a reflection on you, you haven't failed. But failing to act now will have greater consequences for you and your children.

"Scared he'll bad mouth me to children"

If he does this it will reflect worse on him than you. Kids are smart and will realise this. It's not nice to be around a parent who disrespects the other one. What's to stop him doing this now anyway as he clearly resents you, how do you know he doesn't or won't in the future married or not?

"Sad that our marriage will have failed"

It already has. He doesn't love you and is showing you this by his treatment of you, be sad about that now. Eventually you will be over it and you will realise you are better off without this sex pest arse. What exactly do you think you need him for other than financially (which can be fixed!) It doesn't sound like he helps out with the kids or other things?

OP my list would have been a lot like yours 26 years ago. I had children ,aged 3 and 2, and no job. I had nowhere to go. My parents would not have helped because they were of the opinion that 'you get married and you stay married'. The idea of ending my marriage and being a failure was so embedded into my soul that I put up with so much rubbish that I had no need to. In the end he left me ( both aged 32) for a 17 year old work colleague. It was all horrible but you just deal with each day, put one foot in front of the other , and it gets better.I have been married to my second husband for 19 years. He brought up my children and we have a lovely life. I would never have left my first marriage. I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking ,but I was so ground down and depressed that I couldn't think straight. Your husband is a nasty man. There is no prize in heaven for staying married to him until one of you dies. This is your one and only life. Your children are school age. There are after school clubs . There are jobs and universal credit. It will be hard ,anyone who tells you it won't hasn't been through it. There is a better life out there. I was desperate to save my marriage at any cost to me. If I had known the life that awaited I would have helped my exhusband to pack and waved him off.

What were you doing to be ready to sit down at 10pm? Was your husband helping until then or were you at work? It suggests that there are other issues here other than an abusive situation. Hope you got some sleep and have had a better start to the day today.

Your husband sounds very narcissistic, promise it will never get better. I left my child’s father 7 years ago and he still tries to belittle my parenting without any good reason. It’s great though that I can just hang up the phone!!! He’s abusive leave any way you can.

Oh goodness OP, you do sound beaten down. He's plainly been chipping away at you for a long time. It must feel like you are waiting for the next chip, all the time.
I'm afraid that I agree with previous posters that your marriage is already dead in the water.
Just remember, actions speak louder than words - your husband has already hurt one of your children. He's abusive to you. Even if he does badmouth you to your children, do you think they will believe him? They will have seen what he's really like.
I hope you do manage to make a new life away from this awful abuser. You deserve better.

Please for the sake of yourself and your children… RUN.

He sounds like he is ramping up the abuse.

If you stay your children will either join in the abuse of you or become the victim of it.

The overall reasons you stay is money and how things look on the outside.

Money can be made (probably more than you can realise once you don’t have this toxicity hanging over you)

How things look from the outside is not reality . Are you going to live through the next 10 or 11 years in this atmosphere.
Only for your dc to escape and never return because they hate their father and blame you for staying with him.

There is no shame in divorce. It isn’t a failure, It is a strength that you can call time on something that isn’t working for you.

You sound desperately tired and unhappy. What ever you do you won’t ever do anything right in his eyes.

I have a lot of single parent friends and they are the happiest group of people I know because they don’t have to put up with shit from anyone. They don’t have to compromise their wants and needs with anyone.
As a friend said, if I think Italy for a weeks holiday at the end of July would be a fun thing to do I just go ahead and book it.
If I decide once the children are in bed that I only want a Mars bar for dinner I don’t have anyone telling me I can’t or anyone wanting me to cook for them. If the children and I are out during the day with friends and decide to make an evening of it then I don’t have to check in with anyone. I don’t have anyone saying no to me. I don’t have anyone moaning at me when I return because they felt I had ignored them.
The freedom is bliss.
It is hard work being a single parent making all the decisions but the best part of being a single parent is that you make all the decisions.

The starting point of divorce is 50% of everything. That is house, pensions, savings, investments, businesses, cars, furniture
The courts want each party to have a roof over their heads and a means of income.
50% of the equity in everything + CM, benefits you could be entitled to and you could get a job, business etc inside or outside the home and whilst initially it will be a bit hairy when you first leave I think the freedom will more than make up for any initial down turn in your living arrangements.
One thing for sure is you can’t live like this long term.

I think you are so accustomed to living in this hell, being trained to always put your husband first and your dc being trained to do the same you haven’t thought of the long term consequences.

For the sake of yourself and your children, get out.

If he has assaulted your 8 year old and wants everything done his way , no questions asked then I would ask that he meets his dc in a contact centre rather than subject your children to the mental and physical abuse that they would be exposed to.

@supersonicspider

of course they do!

How can you not know that?!

LuckySantangelo35 There's no need to be belittling so someone who is clearly struggling and suffering enough. She mentions him mocking her accent, perhaps she's not from the UK and unfamiliar with the laws of the land. I think she's down enough without you piling on.

Last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him. AIBU?

I can understand him being frustrated about the lack of sex (do you usually go weeks without sex?) and there’s nothing wrong with him flirting and initiating sex, but forcing you to touch his penis and shouting about you not doing your “wifely duties” is not acceptable. What do you mean by him being mean to you?

Oh I just read your list. I can totally understand why you’re not attracted to him if he’s constantly belittling and criticising you! This is not a healthy relationship for your dc to be around. Even if they don’t hear it, they will sense it. Their future romantic relationships will be modelled on your toxic relationship. Do you want them to be in a similar relationship when they’re older? It will be better to separate.

@redbigbananafeet

that’s true and if that’s the case I’d take back my comment

i suppose I just wondered whether anyone in real life could be that naive and made me wonder whether the thread is genuine

He sounds frightful! wifely duties WTF .Is he in the 1950s (still not acceptable then either) Sex should be a pleasant interchange between 2 consenting adults ,not a bunk up with a tired and unwilling partner! Many women feel they cannot "afford" a divorce .However when they have done it feel a whole load better.The DC will adapt to a smaller house or flat .You should get a fair settlement after 20 years .Maybe speak to womens aid?

One of your previous threads nearly made me cry OP.

This man is vile and treats you with complete contempt.

Your list of issues with him, plus the fact he has also recently hurt your little boy without apology or regret, mean your children live in an abusive home.

The longer you stay with this man the more damaged they are being by his behaviour.

Please call womens aid at the very first opportunity and talk through next steps with them.