Not fulfilling my wifely duties.

[supersonicspider]

This is what DH told me last night at 10pm when I was finally ready to sit down on the sofa for an hour before bedtime. He was horny and tried to pull me upstairs. I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties, then stormed off upstairs. Last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him. AIBU?

That is one of the sure signs that you are being abused. Your abuser makes you think that HIS actions are the result of YOUR shortcomings.

I hope you can find a way out. This tends to get worse with time, and the longer you stay, the more worn down and unsure of yourself you will become. There are agencies and private groups to help women in your situation. If you were in the USA, I could direct you to several, but I know that they are in the UK as well.

My heart with yours.

This is sexual assault.

please call womens aid, and the police.

So he's horrible to you. You see that but the logistics and perceived effects of splitting up are too difficult? You're going to complain about him, let your children be brought up this way because it's too difficult to do anything to change it?
It's not like you have access to women who could help you work it out.

Oh @supersonicspider this relationship sounds horrid. Please see a family lawyer to discuss your options.wouldnt it be better for you and the children to have him out of your life? Growing up seeing you insulted and made miserable will do them no favours. You should be able to say in house withchildren is have thought.

He's not doing his husbandly duty of being remotely fanciable.

Your marriage is already over. You are just two people sharing the same house and the same name. There is no love, there is no respect. You are showing your children that this is the way marriage should be... master and servant. Do you want them to have a marriage like you have? Then get out - no house is worth it!

To those of you who seem uncertain that forcing someone to touch their penis is sexual assault. It really is, nobody should make you touch a private part of their body (or yours) without your permission. Regardless of wether it's your boss, a friend, a stranger, a relative or your husband.

Op the big picture of leaving is too overwhelming so maybe start in small steps. You could visit/speak to womens aid or your gp for support. Find out your options and maybe get some practical and emotional support.

I’m sorry you have to put up with this @DestinationUnknownn but if you hate it and he knows it then it really is sexual assault, legally. Not a comfortable thought but true.

You sound utterly deflated up.
20 years or 20 minutes this man is cruel to you for too many of them.you can't cancel out such things in your last post with any kind of kindness because a kind loving person wouldn't do any of the above.
Ate you happy?because this shit is going to either destroy your kids,you or I'm thinking both.
They are witnessing this.they will either become cruel shitheads themselves.
Will hate you for not getting them out or being brave enough to protect them.
Have no respect for you.
Or become like you,inwardly drowning in misery and self loathing.will get depressed and never have a true relationship,likely abused and or have a shit life.

I hear you OP, I have some of the same reasons for not leaving - especially the fear of leaving kids with him as per inevitable access agreement.

But my husband keeps the arsey stuff mostly out of kids' earshot and sight, and would not dream of trying to force sex on me.

I think you need to leave for your sake and theirs. As PP said, if it seems impossible, start with small steps. Especially women's aid and legal advice. All the best.

Ok Op, go into entitledto.co.uk and check how much help you can get to raise your kids if you are on your own.

That’s no way to live, but believe me, as long as you and your kids have a roof over your heads, life doesn’t need to be as hard as it at this time.

Ps. Divorces are like weddings, you need to plan, save and prepare to do such a change in your life. You slowly put your ducks in a row and jump out when the time is right for you and your kids to start afresh.

And don’t be afraid of raising your kids on your own. I am pretty sure you are doing that already so removing a nasty adult from your life can actually reduce the amount of work you do a lot!

His opinion is that if I were happier and less anxious, tired and devoted to our kids, then he wouldn't need to be 'mean'.

My opinion is that if he got off his arse and pulled his weight around the house, and spoke to you nicely then you wouldn't be so anxious and tired.

Tell him he needs to either buck his ideas up or clear off elsewhere. He's the one who needs to leave.

Forcing you to touch a bicep by physically moving your hand when you don’t want to is assault. Forcing you to touch a dick is sexual assault. If you mean made me - by using words rather than force, then I’d say that is coercion. You didn’t want to.

Op, you aren’t doing your kids any favours by staying. You are teaching them about relationships. They’ll see this as normal and go on to act the same way in their own relationships. Leave him for them, if not yourself. Don’t use them to justify staying.

He sounds like a knob op. Why would you stay with someone who treats you so badly? Your children are learning that this is how relationships are from your example. What would you tell your daughter to do if her husband acted like this?

Can you really remain married to someone who thinks he has a right to sex and that you have a "wifely duty" to him? Even amongst the bad behaviour from DH's that people write about on MN this is a shocker.

One of your reasons to stay was that he might stop being mean one day. He won't. He will get meaner, to you and to your kids.
Keep rereading the second list you made. Read it slowly and consider each point. I would say you have taken the first brave step here, now keep slowly walking.

I know you know really that those aren't reasons to stay OP. I think you need to take it one step at a time - can you go and see a solicitor so you know your rights?

Your children don't need to be in that environment - it isn't better for them to stay in that house. In fact it's damaging them to stay in that house and that toxic environment.

And fwiw these men always threaten that they will want 50/50 access - they very rarely do. It's just a threat. The reality of having to care for their children half the time will put them off. The most you'll end up with is an EOW disney dad.

💐I'm sorry this has happened to you. Time to ring around for a solicitor. You deserve better.

Thank you for your responses, I keep rereading them. I can't quite believe the reality of my situation to be honest.
We tried marriage counselling earlier this year but it actually made things worse!
Some of the worse things he's done I haven't said because I'm ashamed they happened and he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He spent an afternoon telling me that he was annoyed because I didn't help with the bbq properly... I was washing up instead of making the salad. He was so awful to me that afternoon, I ended up backing right down so he then told me not to be such a victim.
I have stood up to him in the past though. I point out when he says something unkind. I point out that little ears are listening and suggest we finish 'discussing' later. The other day he grabbed our 8 year old off the kitchen floor as he was refusing to go to his room to get ready and hurt his arm. I tried to make him let go of DS but couldn't. After comforting an upset child, I told DH that if he ever did anything like that again, we'd be leaving. DH didn't think he'd hurt him and said that DS should have done as he was told then. That's the worst thing DH has done.
I think I need to show this thread to a friend in RL. It doesn't feel real because he keeps telling me I'm over reacting and he justifies his behaviour.

He's never going to stop beig mean.

He might try to bad mouth you but your kids will see through that.

Your marriage didn't fail, your dh did. He jas failed to respect you amd support you.

Why should you go anywhere?

Please don't stay with this abusive man. I cannot believe you don't think him making you touch his dick is abuse. If a stranger on a train made you touch their dick what would that be? If you felt unable to say no to your dh or he physically forced both are abuse!

Do solicitors cost money? Thank you for all your advice

Fucking hell.

Him saying that is the least of your problems. Sorry.

All your reasons for staying are spurious, and I know that because my list was pretty identical, but I did leave and from everyone’s pov thank god I did. FWIW both XDH and I are now happily remarried and the kids are fine, happy and fully functioning adults.

How old are your children?

Mine were 13 and 15 and he did want 50:50 and they agreed to it initially. He was a rubbish father rather than abusive - self centred, manipulative, controlling. Once we’d split at least they had somewhere to go to get away from him - dd and he had a falling out fairly quickly and she moved back in with me full time but ds carried on and eventually got a job local to him and moved in with him full time.

short term, splitting was ugly and bruising, but the long term gains have been fantastic, not least teaching the children about good quality relationships. Lots of good practical advice above, make a small start today.