Not fulfilling my wifely duties.

[supersonicspider]

This is what DH told me last night at 10pm when I was finally ready to sit down on the sofa for an hour before bedtime. He was horny and tried to pull me upstairs. I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties, then stormed off upstairs. Last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him. AIBU?

This man is a narcissist and will never change.... they don't. Their modus vivendi is being controlling and systematically putting others down and 'keeping them in their place'. There are a lot of good videos by therapists to watch on Youtube on the subject. I am sure you will identify with them.
You deserve better . Sadly the longer a person stays with a narcissist the more their self esteem is eroded and the harder it is to leave. Please tell your friends , family, doctor, Womens aid, anyone you can... There is no shame . It can happen to anyone. You have been manipulated over time. Your child deserves to not see this abusive behaviour and you deserve to feel safe. You are at risk.

I once dated a narcissist briefly. To begin with he was very charming and flattering. That is how they trap their prey. Yes, prey. But a few weeks in he started criticising everything I did..even to how I got in and out of a chair, how I ate, my body, what I wore etc. Once when he was over an hour and a half late and I mentioned it, he managed to twist it around and made it seem like I was the one lacking patience and in the wrong... they are very good at that, and in many areas of the relationship. I got out of there very quickly.

It really is, nobody should make you touch a private part of their body (or yours) without your permission. Regardless of whether it's your boss, a friend, a stranger, a relative or your husband

You shouldn't be touching your bosses dick

You shouldn't be touching your friends dick

You shouldn't be touching a strangers dick

You shouldn't be touching your relatives dick

However, you should be regularly touching your husbands dick, and I would imagine it would be a bit tedious to sign a consent form before every touch. Not to mention a mood killer.

I think I must live on another planet sometimes.

why do men think that behaving like this,

look miss my dick is hard

and then

storming out when they don't get their own way
is going to lead to love making at night?

just why oh why?

they need to have a school for dumb men that don't get laid to teach them where they are going so wrong...

@Tiredofthemadness

Read OP's post again and you'll see why people have said what they have about the incident:

He was horny and tried to pull me upstairs. I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard

Nobody is saying a consent form was required.

He tried to 'pull her upstairs'.

She said she didn't want to have sex, that she was tired so wanted to chill out.

He then 'made her touch his dick' to show her he had an erection.

Surely nobody thinks that's ok? Or do they actually?

He knew she didn't want to do anything sexual at that time, because she resisted and told him she didn't want to.

He still 'made her touch his dick.'

How is that ok? It's not.

That's even without the context (that I appreciate people couldn't know without seeing her other threads) that his attitude to sex and OP is disgusting. I could have cried reading one of her previous ones where he mocked and humiliated her sexually.

If you can't be bothered to RTFT then read her posts...

Clearly one where people don't read the OP's posts...

I don't think your husband has the faintest idea what the 'duties' of marriage are.

To give you some idea how it goes wrong, this is a good article:
www.blunt-therapy.com/four-horsemen-of-relationship

OP, the only reason not to leave him (yet) is that he would have unsupervised care of the children for part of the time. This is unthinkable, given the way he behaved towards your 8 year old. Unfortunately the only way you can ensure that your children are ok is not to leave him (yet).

What you can do is 'grey rock' him. You don't want to be married to him (who would?) But this isn't the right moment to leave him. So you have to check out of your marriage mentally. It's just you and the children, only he's physically there as well. But nothing he says can hurt you - you ignore and walk away if he starts insulting you. You don't have sex with him, because who would want to be touched by anyone who can hurt their child? I don't think that he sexually assaulted you (though how did he "make" you touch his dick? That might put it in a different light).

The business about having to say his name to ensure that he's listening is pure shit. Don't do it. If you speak to him and he "doesn't hear because you didn't make sure he was listening", shrug and say it's not your problem if he isn't paying attention and you are not repeating yourself. Just say it matter-of-factly, not in an argumentative/upset way. Then walk away.

If he acts like a shit, take the children out - go for a walk, to the park, whatever. Play a game with them - whatever they're into. No bad-mouthing, no drama.

You will be able to leave him when the DC are old enough to choose whether they want to spend time with him. You can in the meantime start to plan your escape. See a solicitor and find out what you would be entitled to in the event of a divorce. I don't know how you organise your finances, but if you don't want him to find out that you've paid a solicitor, keep back a bit of cash every time you go to the cash machine, until you've stashed away enough to pay for an hour (will be in the region of £300 - some will give you a free hour, but that depends where you are - you'd need to ring round to find out).

I think it's sometimes frightening to read on here about contacting Women's Aid, or living in a refuge, or claiming benefits and so on. The idea of having to do any of those things scared me almost as much as the idea of leaving my ex husband. I was afraid of having no house, no job (SAHM), no money, etc, etc, etc, but didn't want to become a "single mum on benefits" (for want of a better way to put it - apologies). In the event, I didn't have to do any of those things; being married (as opposed to living together) cushioned me enough to be reasonably comfortable. It was still terrifying at first - I had never had a utility bill in my own name in my entire life - but it's fine. I love the freedom now, and there is no way a man is coming along and spoiling it.

Please contact Women's Aid and start planning to leave.

What would she do with his payslips and pension info?

You 'should' be regularly touching your husbands dick but you should never be forced to after making it clear you are not up for sexual activity. So yes, I do think you are living on another consent free planet.

Readwindow12 they prove what he actually earns and what he actually has in his pension pot. As supposed to what he decides to declare and what he hides when child support comes around.

When you say 'explain the situation at home' to get it recorded in school and GP system, what do you mean? It feels so private. What would I need to say? We are not in danger. I did the abusive checklist on the womens aid website and only ticked one box. He's isn't violent, drinking or drugs, he's not with holding money or stopping me working or seeing friends.

That touched a nerve, knowing you've read my other thread. Thank you. I've just reread it myself. I feel so sad... where is the man I married?

I just read your other thread. I remembered it. It was appalling. He is so terribly, terribly cruel.

The emotional abuse isn’t very nice though is it that must tick at least one more box.

I don’t know if I would lodge it with the schools and GPs until you are ready to move because they are gonna load you up with pressure to get the hell out of there and rightly so the moment you alert them.

you need to get your ducks in a row pretty sharpish.

You can with that gross pig will damage your kids if it hasn't already more than if you actually leave.

You are teaching your children this behaviour is okay and they will no doubt behave pr be treated the same way.

My ex wasn’t ‘violent’, constantly belittling someone is violence though. I didn’t realise how broken my self esteem was until I left. When you leave it feels like everything hits you like a tonne of bricks because you are not in it daily!! It feels like after shock and it floored me for a long time because I thought I should feel better now I am out.

I was only with him 4 years and I dread to think what it would be like if it was many more years. Still you always need to leave there isn’t another option. Especially for the children’s sake.

Rearwindow12 the financial information is for when she starts divorce proceedings, men have been known to hide money & income, it helps her get a fair share of what she is due to & also for when she claims child maintenance.

Of course it's sexual assault. If a stranger grabbed your hand and forced you to touch his penis, would that be sexual assault? Yes. Consent is consent, whether it's with your husband or a stranger.

It is taking things too far to say that you have to ask your partner for consent before any remotely sexual encounter. I actually find that idea very sad and very, very unsexy.

I sometimes think the human race will end up dying out because nobody will ever be able to flirt or have those wonderful frissons of touch with someone they fancy, because everyone will have to sign a consent form before every little encounter. Everyone can just meet everyone else in the "safe space" of the internet, then nobody can ever touch anybody.

That said, the OP's husband is behaving badly in all kinds of other ways and I'd say the best long term plan would be to leave him.

Oh my god I am shocked. This is grim. And what a horrible existence.

You literally don't have to be treated like that you know? That's not normal. At all.

Big decisions and upheaval is the only way imo.

I’m sorry but your husband just sounds unbearable. Insanely controlling. He tells you how to sit or to speak on command?! You’re not a dog! You deserve so much better, OP. I know it’s a huge adjustment but we’re only on this Earth for a short time and do you really want to spend the time you have left bending over backwards to appease a man that clearly is NEVER going to change? I agree with a previous commenter that suggested speaking to a solicitor, or at the very least a therapist. You have this big long list of reasons why you shouldn’t stay and they are all completely valid. You need to start really looking at that list and taking it all in, because this is happening to you, and it is all preventable, if you can just get away from him.

Jesus, what a brutal existence you’re both inflicting on your kids. They have no choice, unfortunately. Like a kick in the guts to read about kids made to live in an abusive household with your scumbag deviant of a bloke, I sadly know the trauma they will have to deal with all their lives.

It is taking things too far to say that you have to ask your partner for consent before any remotely sexual encounter.

But the situation here is not about whether a happy, established couple who are on the same page with their mutual sexual needs and boundaries need to formally ask permission to engage in sex, is it? It's about a man deliberately forcing his obviously reluctant partner to touch him sexually.

Consent is consent. In an established, happy couple who are kind and respectful and in tune with each other's signals, explicitly asking for consent may not be necessary, but any reluctance should make the partner stop their advances immediately.