Not fulfilling my wifely duties.

[supersonicspider]

This is what DH told me last night at 10pm when I was finally ready to sit down on the sofa for an hour before bedtime. He was horny and tried to pull me upstairs. I told him I was very tired and needed some time to chill out. He made me touch his dick to show me it was hard and then crossly snapped that I'm not fulfilling my wifely duties, then stormed off upstairs. Last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is often mean to me which is why I'm not at all bothered about having sex with him. AIBU?

Ugh... no no no no no.

LTB

I’m horrified by all the people who are saying this isn’t criminal behaviour. It is clearly a sexual offence (although it may be a s.4 ‘causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent’ rather than an actual s.3 ‘sexual assault’) since the OP made it clear she didn’t want sex.

It isn’t at all the same sort of thing as pinching your boyfriend’s bum in the context of an ongoing sexual relationship (unless the boyfriend has said multiple times not to, in which case, yes, that’s assault too - both men and women get to say no to unwanted touching). Consensual sexual activity, particularly in the context of an ongoing relationship doesn’t require yes/no checkboxes at every step to be legal but that is not what is happening here.

There's a name for this behaviour - coercive control!
Please don't wait for him to change because he wont!
He is setting your children a really bad example.
If any of your children are boys,do you want them to grow up thinking this is how they should treat their future wives?
Do you want your DDs to think that this behaviour is normal in a relationship?

Also why are you only sitting down at 10pm? What have you been doing whikst I presume he's just sitting on the sofa

😂😂😂😂😂

Give the selfish sexist pillock a flat cap & send him back to the dark ages where he belongs. You deserve better

Sorry OP that's awful. I haven't read through everyones comments but he sounds like the wierd vicar off poldark 😫

Just because something "is" sexual assault doesn't necessarily mean that I'd advocate calling the police or would necessarily belief they'd take you seriously if you did. But I too have come around to the concept of not beating around the bush in this regard, you say "he made you touch his dick" whether this was by him touching grabbing moving your hand to his groin or through emotional manipulation that would be either sexual assault either way. what is sexual assault

Equally just because you should ltb doesn't make it easy to do. It's going to be hard for you either way I'm afraid but I'd recommend for your own sanity that you start to get your plan together, how and when you can leave, where you can live and what you can live on.
old article but 'wifely duties' is an old idea.

That there is a pattern of coercive control (which is also a crime) is much easier to prove www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#recognise-domestic-abuse
<3

You'll leave him eventually when the fear of staying is worse than the fear of leaving. Unfortunately, in the meantime his abusive behaviour is damaging you and the children. I think you would benefit from individual counselling, doing the freedom programme and having a chat with woman's aid. They can help you get away from him. You just need to decide when you are ready to leave.

It sounds like you don't want to have sex with him for a whole host of legitimate reasons. He can't expect you to feel like wanting sex when he treats you like that. The lack of sex between you is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. He doesn't sound particularly kind or respectful, and if you can't work it out with couples therapy then you might be happier without him as your partner

For Gods sake leave him he is horrible and doing nothing to make you happy.

You poor woman.

You and your children are being emotionally and physically abused.

Please contact Women's aid for help and support.

Your poor children witnessing such abuse.

You have to do something for them.

He hurt your child.

Tell your GP.

Stop protecting this awful man.

Of course you don't want sex with him, he's behaviour is awful.

Just because you don't have a black eye doesn't mean you're not being abused, get out as fast as you can. This abuse us subtle but it grinds down you spirit.

When you get out you'll find yourself and be a better mum and friend, most importantly you'll be happier.

You can't make it stop. He's an unpleasant person who is a sexual bully. He has no respect for you. He is mean. People do not change. This relationship is not respectful or loving and sounds like it could soon become dangerous.

It's over. You just have to make the next moves.

By the sounds of it he's not fulfilling his husbandly duties to 'Love and cherish'

Is he awful in other ways?

You need to seek support such as from Women's Aid.

Wifely duties sounds like something from the 18th century.

It's just so toxic and I don't know how to make it stop.

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I see my ex with his now wife, I have no choice but to have a front row seat because of sharing a child. Let me tell you their relationship is getting worse by the year. I believe my ex is narcissist and he’s getting worse. My daughter only goes there twice a week and I make my home as peaceful and emotionally stable as possible because kids don’t get that with a man like this. It’s not easy leaving I struggled financially and emotionally for a while but best life decision I ever made. I sometimes feel guilty because I was on autopilot for a while when I did leave and feel I wasn’t the most present mother but now I am. If I stayed I’d never present because I’d be too busy ducking and diving his abhorrent behaviour.

May I add you are taking the right steps. My first steps were posting on a forum to make sure I wasn’t the insane one, I was too embarrassed to tell family and friends about the life I was living.

Sexual assault is a crime, and so is coercive control.

The first steps are to call the GP, explain the situation and ask to be referred for NHS counselling support. Bluntly the lists are so long this is unlikely to achieve much in medical terms, BUT it will ensure the situation at home is recorded in your medical notes, which is vital.

Then you need to ask to speak to the school's pastoral lead, and to explain what is happening at home so the children are supported, and there is a record.

Then you call Women's Aid and ask for help. If they tell you to report him to the police, do that. But be led by them - they are the ones with vast experience, sadly, in domestic abuse.

You need a record of what is happening because legal aid - free legal support - is not available in most family law cases now. You can ONLY get it if there is evidence of domestic abuse. You need the school and your GP aware so the kids can be supported, but also so you can have legal support down the track if you decide to leave and he tries to use the children as pawns or weapons against you. You won't get it otherwise.

The legal support won't help with financial matters, but it will help in child arrangements orders, and with an abusive parent in the frame, that support is really, really essential.

If your daughter told you all this, what would you advise her?

@supersonicspider I could have written your post, like many of the women on here. As @Whatever00 says, you'll leave when the fear of staying is worse than the fear of leaving. I got to that point this time last year, and although I was more scared than I've ever been, somehow I kept going, almost on autopilot. It was tough for a while, but six months on I am happier than I have been in years (and I was with the abuser for a long time), and the DC are happier too - they weren't happy initially it's true, and it was so hard to see, but now their lives are more settled, they're not creeping about trying not to upset their dad and we are planning exciting stuff for the future - we've got very little money other than UC, but we're happy and can relax in our home.

It's a very tough call OP, but somehow you'll find the strength to do it, and we'll help you; you do not have to live like you are at the moment

Hi op,
Your situation sounds tough. I think you should read or listen to the book How to leave your psychopath by Maddy Anholt. It isn't just about psychopaths! It contains lots of information about toxic relationships and the last few chapters are all about building ourselves up and leaving them.
Before I read it I used to think why doesn't she just leave him about situations like yours. I know now it's more complicated but you can do it.
I think you must be a very strong woman to be dealing with all this.

50 Million eye rolls wouldn't be enough for this comment.

I don't know how to make it stop

Yes you do