To ask, if you have adult DC, do you still spend a lot of money on them?

[QwestionThyme]

I.e. when you're out will you buy their food, treat them to things ect.. or do you not really spend much money on your adult DC now? (By adult I don't mean 18 year old, but like adult 20s +, maybe married, own kids)

And if you have grandchildren do you spend a lot of money on them too?

I do. Not so much buying her things ( such as sofa's washing machine that kind of thing), but treating her to meals out and buying her little gifts when I see her, always. She lives a 3 hour drive away and due to her work pattern, I only get to spend time with her around 4-5 times a year, so it's not as though it's every month.

same with my mum!! she's currently agonising about how little she can get away with giving my son as a wedding present !!!
I LOVE being able to treat my children. I love going in a fancy holiday with them- there's no one i like spending time with more!
They are v kind to us in lots of ways that aren't purely financial.
they do pet sitting when we are away and will often come and do a few hours gardening. So i feel they are not expecting us to pay for them as they do other nice things fir us as well.
i really want to be the opposite of my mum - her money is honestly a burden to her.

My DS is only 26 so we do still fully fund him. I have a difficult relationship with my parents so I don't let them buy stuff for me, but they like treating DS. I allow that as they are actually pretty good GPs despite being pretty rubbish as parents.

I plan to help DS with a deposit and holidays and stuff. I love treating him and he's grateful for everything he gets and he knows he's lucky that we're able to do that. My parents always made such a fuss about buying clothes and shoes when I was a kid. I always tell DS that it's my job to provide clothes and shoes and stuff (obviously expensive branded stuff he can buy himself with birthday money) rather than expecting him to be endlessly grateful like my DPs.

DS is 16! Not 26.

When my daughters were growing up, we didn't have much disposable income at all. They got Saturday/evening jobs when they could, and they grew up knowing the value of money.

We lost my dh, their dad, when they were 20/22. That left me with two people's retirement savings/pensions just for me, plus a very small life insurance payout. So yes, I'm able to treat them and help them out occasionally with what I consider to be their dad's money. And it's a real pleasure because they appreciate it and never take it for granted.

So all this talk about offspring not being independent is way off the mark for most people.

The poster probably does treat herself.

I think what this thread has highlighted for me is that people are incapable of seeing a bigger picture when it comes to others being happy to spend on their children and grandchildren. It’s almost as if they are robbed of common sense and all they can see is a one way street where others get and it makes them greedy and lacking any independence whatsoever.

Its all very silly.

@JellyBellyNelly exactly so. The treat for me is to know I'm making their life a bit easier. They are grateful and kind and genuinely still seem to enjoy spending time with their old mum. I am lucky.

This thread has brought to the surface feelings and resentment I didn't know I was hiding.

I'm in bed reading this in floods of tears.

My Mum hasn't given me a penny since I left home (with my DD) at 18. My mum made me go into temporary accommodation and didn't help us financially at all. I had to claim benefits for years until I qualified and was able to start work.

This is all expected and fair enough if she didn't also present to the world how proud and supportive she was to us. I've always had to pretend to everyone else that she's given me support when actually I've had to do it all on my own.

She's mortgage free btw and helps my brother out all of the time, including paying for his wedding (my brother who has been gifted house deposits and regular Caribbean holidays by his in laws ).

I've tried so hard not to be bitter or jealous because my life choices are my life choices and me and my DP work incredibly hard to provide for ourselves and our family. I am in a lot of debt from taking out silly loans when younger just to try and make ends meet. Our rent on a small 3 bed house in the outskirts of London is astronomical and we will never be in a position to save for a deposit for ourselves.

I think what gets to me the most is that my DP and I are seen by others as 'doing well'. We both have good jobs and both have lovely families (to everyone else) and so it is just assumed that we have had support to buy our own house and are therefore financially comfortable when actually neither of our parents have helped us out at all.

But now my own DC are young adults, living at home, it makes me realise just how heartless my own mum was and still is.

We want to be able to give our DC everything that neither of us got, driving lessons, cars, holidays etc.

I am so happy (genuinely) for all those posters with loving, supportive parents and I hope that I can do the same for my DC.

Onetwothree
Reading your thread has upset me greatly. I feel your pain. I am envious of people who receive financial support from their parents. I stupidly perceive it as them being more loved than I am when it is only because they are comfortable enough to do so.

There is a perceived notion that parents who can indulge their children somehow love them more and I certainly bought into it. Look at the celebrities who openly display all they do for their dc.

I don't see it like that at all.
My parents were poor- we lived in a council house, my mother took cleaning jobs to supplement my father's poor wage.
I have never had a penny from them- nothing to do wth love.
In fact I think some parents overcompensate by giving money or stuff because the relationship is lacking in other ways.
I am not envious in the slightest- it is what it is.

Unless you are in poverty money does not always make you happier. I know several wealthy miserable people.

Mine would too - IF I asked for it. They would never just ‘give’ and I would have to pay it back. But that’s ok and I know they love me very much. They’re just old & out of touch with the financial realities of todays working world.

I think what hurts me the most is that both mine and DPs families are the sorts of families that are able to help out like the others on here. So siblings and cousins of ours all receive lots of support from their parents. Therefore they assume we do as well and assume we are terrible with money because we haven't bought a big house and don't go on lots of holidays.

It's the perceived unfairness of it all. I'm not explaining it very well. Our parents present to their own siblings that they support us financially when they don't.

onerwothreefourfivesixseveneight you have been at the receiving end of cruel behaviour, and counselling would help you process what happened to you as a young person.

Now you are an adult you don’t need to continue with the pretence. You could remind her that she didn’t help you, you were actually homeless with a small baby. Don’t give her the comfort of going along with the lies.

I would be very low contact with a parent that treated my child and I so poorly, and I wouldn’t be investing anything meaningful into the relationship. Your brother was clearly golden child and the favoured one. You do not need to put up with it any longer 💐

My parents helped with a small house deposit when I was younger, other than that the only thing they provide is Christmas/birthday gifts for us & kids - about £40 per person.
Siblings and I are all financially comfortable though, so we don't remotely need parental support and haven't since probably about age 22.

At a family gathering I would tell the family you have never received a penny of help from your parents and you are very proud of being completely self made, especially given the fact you were made homeless at the age of 17. Phase it as something you are proud of. Tell people. She is basking in the lies and I would not let her. Tell them the truth.

My friend has 4DC and a shit partner. Her ‘DM’ and ‘DF’ inherited over £200k when an uncle died. They have no mortgage and live in a small house that I highly doubt costs a fortune to run. Despite this, they have not given my friend a penny. She works her fingers to the bone, has to claim benefits just to stay afloat and is paying astronomical rent. What sort of parent wants to leave £200k in the bank ‘just incase’ knowing the stress their child is under?

I’m 30 and my DM will pay for lunch if we go out, or her and my stepdad insist on paying if we go out to dinner with my DH. I do really appreciate it. They also helped us with a house deposit.

We are financially comfortable but they are very well off and nearing retirement so keep telling us they want to help us out and treat us now as when they retire they will watch their money more carefully.

DH’s parents don’t have a huge amount of money so if anything we have helped them out financially over the years by providing no interest loans etc. We’re happy to do it.

My parents do. I hugely appreciate it but don’t expect it at all and always offer to pay if we are out or offer favours to them. They pay for my cleaner plus usually put sone money in my account to go away for a weekend once a year and do the same for my brother and his wife. Also buy kids clothes often (and always send receipts in case we want to change them or they offer to change them). They’re amazing and I’m so grateful but it’s the thought, time and kindness that is most appreciated, if they didn’t have the money or just didn’t want to give so much, I’d still appreciate them as parents just the same.

Spend some money on yourself, treat youself!

Many people get more pleasure out of treating others than themselves. That's their choice.

I have one 19 yo DC at home and one older in her early twenties who has her own house and a child.

I'm lucky to be in the position to have helped out quite a bit on bigger costs such as as furniture,baby things and a bit of cash as needed - i didn't get much help at the same age and I know life is so expensive now.

I always pay for meals out and drinks although both of my daughters will treat me and offer to pay. They don't earn much though so I don't expect it.

I'm always buying clothes and bits and bobs for my grandchild too as she is the absolute bees knees. I also spend a good amount of time with her and have regular sleepovers so her mum gets a break, I would have preferred that over £ when my children were small!

Our eldest is late 20s and married, we always pick up the bill if we go for a meal, tend to have a family weekend away once a year where again we cover most things, look after his child one day a week to save on childcare and buy bits and pieces for our granddaughter. When DIL was on maternity leave I would often buy formula and nappies but couch it as “I picked up a few things while I was shopping” to help out when their income was reduced. We have two younger adults at Uni and living at home so obviously spend more on them. Nobody gets big handouts but I think they are all very lucky that they have had the kind of financial support that neither my parents or DH’s could offer us.

Over 25% of pensioners are millionaires thanks to housing and occupational pensions
Not millionaires in property or any other sense.

Spend some money on yourself, treat youself!
Our outgoings are lower now DC have left uni and left home
However I get pleasure from helping my DC. They are mid 20s and both in good careers. House deposits are the big thing but I also like to give them money when they go on holiday. They come away with us occasionally if I have booked a big cottage or villa. We pay when we all eat out, for partners as well. DH will top up their petrol whenever possible.

@onetwothreefourfivesixseveneight Same here. My parents were poor and I was helping them financially when I was 18. When we had DC we paid for my parents to come on holiday with us.

No, they don't give me any support?!. I'd be embarrassed to take money off them. It's extremely patronising of all these parents to be subbing their children as adults why do you think they are so incapable of running their own lives?

The ONS statistics on the percentage of pensioners who are theoretically millionaires, are really hard to unpick. They talk about households with a pensioner in them, the wealth of which, including the house value and pension pots (neither of which can be accessed in their totality, if at all) comes to more than a million pounds. So this is not an individual who's a millionaire and has significant disposable money. It's a household, and it might not have much disposable can at all.

I still find it hard to believe though. I live in the south, have a good pension, my late husband and I saved hard for our retirement, and I live in a four bed house in a not cheap area. So if I'm not a millionaire, given all that, how on earth are a significant number of households in most of the Midlands and the North where housing is cheaper, getting to a value of a million pounds?

It's all very odd.

I love my parents dearly but the thought of going away with them on a holiday they had paid for would be a nightmare, I couldn’t live with them 24/7 even if it was only a long weekend.