To ask, if you have adult DC, do you still spend a lot of money on them?

[QwestionThyme]

I.e. when you're out will you buy their food, treat them to things ect.. or do you not really spend much money on your adult DC now? (By adult I don't mean 18 year old, but like adult 20s +, maybe married, own kids)

And if you have grandchildren do you spend a lot of money on them too?

I just couldn’t take money from my parents, there have been situations where an unexpected expense has arisen and we just deal with it. I wouldn’t ask and they haven’t offered. If they did offer I would refuse. Their pension and investments are for their retirement, not to buy my children shoes and pay for me to go on holiday with them. It’s all a bit incestuous to me.

Completely agree with this.

I agree with this too.

My two are in their 20’s, and yes.

They don’t ask, we just give. Financially, things are much more difficult for this generation than it was for ours. They need help now, not saving it all for when we are dead.

Yes, because they are disabled and barely scraping by financially, whereas I have enough. DC1 is very frugal, so it isn't as if they take it for granted.

I'm somewhat torn on how much help to give DC1. I always wanted my kids to stand on their own two feet, but I wasn't counting on their circumstances making that impossible.

My teenager is disabled too, but possibly has more earning potential than their older sibling. I expect that one to be a "late bloomer" who will perhaps not be able to pay their own way until age 25+. They may continue to live with us rent-free for some years. It's tricky to figure out how much to give each of the two DC and when.

Wow I wish I had a mother and PIL so lovely and generous as most of the posters.

PIL and my DM are extremely financially stable (Asset and cash ) Never got a penny of either of them. DH and I have been trying to secure a remortgage for a long time to build an extension which is much needed. I'm a SAHM due to ill health so it's just my DH wage. Both sets of parents know this and wouldn't even offer us a loan never mind the money as a gift. Just don't see the point in leaving us inheritance when we need it now.

I would definitely help my own DC in the future.

Since I turned 18 I have been expected to pay for lavish dinners out, holidays for my parents and expensive gifts even though I was struggling with a minimum wage job and they retired early and paid off their house with inheritances. I am expected to ‘make up for’ being a difficult teen (I was pretty normal looking back) and I only stopped three years ago when I started therapy.

i have a huge lump in my throat reading your posts. What wonderful, loving and generous parents you are. How lovely for your children to feel so loved and supported. I intend to be a generous and kind parent to my adult children. We are a year away and I can’t imagine not wanting to help them out as much as I can. Life is hard enough.

My DFIL gave my SIL 3k every month for years because she doesn't enjoy working. After he died, she inherited around £3 million (50:50 split with DH) but suggested that DH should receive less because we had significant savings and investments. She still grumbles about how unfair life is.

I understand why but it just entrenches inequality. For many young people trying to get on the ladder will depend more on if their parents own & can help them rather than their job.
I plan to help my dc with their deposits but would favour better economic prospects for them in general eg wage growth rather than stagnation, the option of a state pension before 70, a functional NHS, etc.

There’s some very lucky people/ very generous parents out there. I’ve never been given anything apart from a birthday/ Christmas presents maximum £50. Never had any contribution towards college, wedding or deposit for a house etc.. Had to take out loans to buy a car. Definitely wouldn’t get a holiday paid for!

DM is not rich but comfortable and it makes me sad and annoyed that she spends the same on me at birthdays as she does on my other relatives e.g cousins.

I will definitely be helping my DC out if I’m able.

And to the PP who’s mother doesn’t spend on her adoptive grandchild- that’s despicable!

My Dad doesn't buy things for me other than at Christmas or birthday, nor does pay for meals/shopping/clothes etc of we go out.
He's retired and mortgage free but I'm married, in my 40's and earning ok money so I'd rather he spent it on himself.
When we go out, I pay for our meals.
But I'm in the vast minority within my friendship group - everyone else is the same os most people on here, their parents shell out for everything and they hardly put their hands in their pockets.

My Dad has offered to help with an unexpected expense but I've always said no. I just couldn't take money off him, knowing that it's his pension.

The bigger shit show on the horizon is the big demographic shift coming with the ageing population.

sorry wrong thread!

My mum does this with me, my siblings and her GC. Equally, I like to treat her to lunch and we like to get her a lovely bunch of flowers from us/our DC from time to time.

We are quite a close knit family and have all always been brought up with the motto "you don't give to receive" so I know she doesn't ever expect it in return, but I like to feel I've done my fair share giving her some TLC too 😊

@JellyBellyNelly maybe I might be able to agree with you if she hadn't insisted the cake took centre place and everyone was expected to fawn over her for making it and also when dh decided to reciprocate and make her a cake instead of buying a present it suddenly dawned perhaps there are other ways. Especially as she has a lot of money, we buy her things and help about and only visits our dc once a year. I don't help out or buy her presents anymore obviously though. We also asked her not to make a cake the following year so she turned up empty handed instead.

As I said, why treat your own like this unless you don't want to stay in touch. We're now very low contact.

I really don't get the 'where is your pride' posts. In no way do I expect my parents to pay for anything and I always, always offer the money back if they do pay for anything but they refuse to take it. You may not believe it but they genuinely insist that it makes them happy to treat us occasionally to lunches, days out, things for our kids and so on.. it's not all of the time but it's very generous and I am very grateful and I really hope I can do similar for mine when they are older.

I'm a wife, mother and home owner with a decent job but no I don't feel any shame because my parents insist on paying for lunch every now and then. As I've said already if I ever try and send them the money they send it me straight back and actually get pretty annoyed if I won't let them do it. My mum has just the other day bought some new toys for DC because she wants to see their faces, I don't see what's wrong with that just because I could afford the toys myself. It brings her joy to do it so she says.

They did also give us money for a house deposit which I am extremely grateful for and not something I ever expected nor asked for. They had apparently been saving for it since I was a teen and I now plan to do the same for our DC if I can. I wouldn't want them to feel ashamed of it.

@mjf981
No we are not wealthy, earned average salaries all of our life. But we bought our house in the 80’s so no mortgage/rent to pay now. In addition we have inherited from my parents; they only had a small house in a fairly cheap area but that was still £100k for me and sister.
As my grandma said better to pass on your money with a warm hand rather than a cold dead one!

We still do - not essentials but lots of treats, theatre tickets, meals out etc as well as helping out with house deposits. They are late 20s now and have just started to reciprocate once in a while - it's lovely but they are still hard up and I'd prefer they kept their money for essentials.

I don't know when the balance shifts and the kids start taking care of the parents financially . For me it was probably when my mum retired so I would have been early 40s. She is very wealthy woman but at some point the balance shifted and now it wouldn't occur to her to chip in for a bill or holiday.

Just bought DD a smart dress for her graduation and took her away for a couple of days recently She’s living outside the home and I’m well off- happy to treat her on a reasonably regular basis. Will also pay for fancy graduation lunch. After that I’ll prob not put my hand in my pocket for a couple of months.

Mine are 21 & 23 and back at home after uni. If I've got it they can have it, but they are pretty independent. I like treating them when I can and they are always grateful and don't have expectations.

We usually pay for dinner if we go out, give them a few extra quid if they are off somewhere or buy them so,etching out of their own price range for Christmas/birthday.

As others have said, as long as my bills are paid I like to share .

Yes. I have paid their rent paid for them to come on holiday with ia, pay for meals etc. I can afford it. They cannot

My mum's pension income is higher than my net earnings - higher than DH's net income come to that!

This is part of it, I guess. DH and I earn more than our children do, we have no mortgage, no large expenses... it's nice to treat them.

My DD is 22 but she's still at university and living at home so yeah I pay if we eat out and often buy her things

Absolutely. It gives me more pleasure than spending money on myself.
So if they eat out with us, we pay for them and partners. If they go on holiday I give them some money to spend on a special meal out. House deposits, yes, if they come on holday with us which they sometimes do if we have booked a cottage or villa they don't pay anything.