To ask, if you have adult DC, do you still spend a lot of money on them?

[QwestionThyme]

I.e. when you're out will you buy their food, treat them to things ect.. or do you not really spend much money on your adult DC now? (By adult I don't mean 18 year old, but like adult 20s +, maybe married, own kids)

And if you have grandchildren do you spend a lot of money on them too?

I have had to support one of my grown up sons and also one of his now grown up children.I did it out of necessity.

I'm a bit astounded by some of the messages on here.

My dad was a higher earner, so when I went to Uni, my loan was means tested and I had the lowest amount possible. My parents paid for my fees (£1k per term, my loan covered about 2/3 of my living costs and I worked each holiday to cover the rest. I was on teaching placements during term, so couldn't work at the same time. I felt very lucky to have their support to pay my fees.

Since then, we tend to divvy up bills when we go out for meals as a family. They spend £30 or so for birthdays and Christmas. When my grandparents died, they gave me and my siblings a grand each from their inheritance, which we weren't expecting and was very kind of them.

That's pretty much it. I think my siblings get a bit more help because they both have kids, though.

21 & 23 if we go out for a meal we pay and if they want to come on holiday with us we’d pay but that’s it.
My parents haven’t supported me and my brothers since we began working, we all paid board until we moved out and none of us expected financial support from them. My mum worked with a colleague who was 65+ and was effectively working to help finance her daughter, paying her car insurance, even bought the car. I can’t see how that’s helping your children become independent adults. If I couldn’t afford something, I never had it.

There are some lovely parents on this thread ❤️
My parents always pay when we go out and they help me sometimes with things like swimming lessons for my dc. My dad still shoves some money in my hand on the rare occasions I go out with friends 😄

It makes me feel guilty because they are not well off or anything but they insist and will never take money if I try to give it back or pay for anything.
I hope I can afford to do the same kind of things for my dc when they grow up.

I think I be the type of parent to still treat my adult kids. My parents have money but have never been particularly generous with it, of course it's up to them it's theirs and I never expect its they weren't much into it when I was a child so obviously aren't going to change as an adult. But my in-laws are very generous and I think I rather be like that enjoy seeing my kids getting treated. But one thing I won't do is spoil them I think there should be a balance. My parents did teach me to be grateful and not take things for granted at least when I did on rare occasions get treats.

My parents helped me during uni with £200pcm (I worked before and during to support myself for the rest), paid £5k to my wedding, and paid £1k to solicitor fees when I bought a house (husband and I paid the rest of the costs and saved our own deposit). They stopped paying for family holidays each year once I left uni but do pay for weekends away for the whole family etc from time to time. When we go out, sometimes they treat us to dinner or lunch. We get xmas gifts. However we also treat them alot to dinner or lunch and often I am putting my card down before they can as else they would. They help us out with childcare and I pay an allowance to them to ensure they don't have to cover expenses for activities for my child plus I sent lunch with them. I try to treat well at xmas and birthdays now I'm earning well as they deserve it. I think they have a decent balance of generosity and care but also letting us stand on our own two feet.

I think parenting doesn't stop at any particular age and so will be helping my kids but part of helping them is not doing so much that they don't properly appreciate it. We don't do much for my SD - birthdays and xmas we are generous but we won't be giving money for a deposit or anything- but this is because of how she has treated us and how ungrateful she comes across in the past. Gave her a car and everything but she doesn't seem to appreciate it.

My daughters cost me more now than when they did as children. My eldest is 28,married with two children and we pay for a hell of a lot. My youngest is 25,still lives with us and we pay for everything She’s not working at the moment because of a health problem but I probably wouldn’t take her money if she was working

My parents still treat us all the time! We gather for dinner most weekends and mom only lets us pick up the bill on special occasions (her birthday, mother's day, etc). I drop by with the kids 2 or 3x a week and they are always spoiling them with treats and little toys. They also paid for all our education, driving lessons, weddings, etc.

Wow. There must be some very wealthy families on this thread (typical mumsnet I guess). I was out the door at 17 and have paid rent ever since. Parents occasionally gave me some food/groceries when I was back visiting, but that's about it. It certainly taught me independence.

Oh, and I bought their old car off them at 18 - with the condition I purchased it at 'market price!'

Our DC are in their forties now, decent careers but big mortgages, childcare costs and not a lot of spare money. DH and I are very fortunate to have had good careers, decent pensions and fairly modest tastes and it gives us so much pleasure to be able to help the DC out if needed, treat the DGC, pay for family holidays etc. We could leave it to them in our wills, but we'd rather be around to see them enjoying it.

You don’t have to have it very hard to learn independence but I can understand why people who did have it very hard console themselves by thinking it does.

My dad worked incredibly hard all his life and invested like a genius so now has an absolute pile. He always says the government will just take it when he dies so he's spending it now. I got a house deposit and help with an extension, he pays into a pension for both me and my sister, and when I passed my driving test at 24 he bought me a car. Then we entered a YEARS long battle for him to hand over the insurance/road tax costs, and he still now occasionally pays for my MOT behind my back, as we use his mechanic. He doesn't like to hear thank you, either.

Yes and I don’t begrudge them anything although husband can get a bit grumpy about how they fritter money on clothes, shoes and make up whilst he says still taxing us. Having said that as dad he still insists on paying when we celebrate family occasions 🥰

Yes - I want to see them enjoy what we can give them when we are still alive. I never had any hands up when I was growing up as there wasn't anything going - but we want to help ours where we can.

I have one adult stepdaughter (and two children with my dh who are much younger). She has a job, rents a house with her boyfriend. Generally speaking, she's asked for nothing and expected nothing so we've not spent much but always give her the same in monetary value for birthday and Christmas presents as our other children. When she moved into her house we offered to pay for her fridge freezer. And she's just been made redundant and will be returning to college to finish her education. We've bought her a macbook to help her with her studies. We take the approach that we'll help them out with whatever they need, when they need it. We haven't always been able to afford it, but now we can we'll do what we can. As I said, she's always stood on her own two feet and asked for nothing, she really is a fantastic young woman.

My dd has been working as an au pair, so not much cash, I pay for her contact lenses and lend her money, she’s scrupulous about re paYing. Her bf is her atm and I’ve paid for an airbnb for them. Oldest minimum wage, rents, I buy shopping for him sometimes. Middle ones, one probably earns more than me and never wants anything other is a student and “borrows” at the end of his loan.
Adult or not, they are still mine and I’ll never see them go without.

Wow some very generous parents on this thread. I’m in my 30s, established career home etc. my parents now definitely expect me to buy them things when we are out - pay for lunches/ pub rounds etc, to ‘return the favour. They are multi millionaires and have far more money than I ever will do so it’s not that they can’t afford it. Same for birthdays etc they expect big ‘treats’ from
me. I did have a privileged childhood in many ways but they definitely now expect me to ‘pay it back’

This makes me feel a bit sad, mine don't spend anything on us. Not that they should of course. But they definitely don't. No clothes or treats for the kids, nothing.

My MIL always used to come equipped with bags and bags and bags of clothes and shoes and always treated us to Sunday lunch out and FIL was always buying us stuff.

No, I was a single parent and always made sure he learnt to pay his way.
Ds late 20’s earns more than me and appreciated that. We go halves on meals out, if we go on a long trip / holiday we split costs.
I will still help to get a deposit together though for property

Not day to day money, although they know they can come to us for help if they need it. Dd is paying us back for a car loan at the moment.

We treat them to meals out and buy bits for them if we're out shopping. Dd saw a jumper she loved but couldn't afford so I bought it for her.

We also give them a bit of 'spending money' when they go on holiday.

When they have dc we'll definitely want to help them out. It's something I'm really looking forward to.

This has filtered down from my in laws who did the same for us, and still do, and while we can afford it we'll carry on treating them.

Wow! My mum and dad would give me their last penny, I wouldn't take it but they are so generous.

@Woolandwonder

if they’re not well off don’t you feel a bit bad taking money from them?

@GenderCriticalTrumpets

sounds like you’ve got two extremes!

your mil coming with bags and bags of new clothes and shoes isn’t typical - must have cost her a fortune?!

We still spend a lot on Birthdays ,Christmas and so on .Also have DD at home .DS lives away and so treat to a meal when over there . My In laws did the same for us and DM too!