To ask, if you have adult DC, do you still spend a lot of money on them?

[QwestionThyme]

I.e. when you're out will you buy their food, treat them to things ect.. or do you not really spend much money on your adult DC now? (By adult I don't mean 18 year old, but like adult 20s +, maybe married, own kids)

And if you have grandchildren do you spend a lot of money on them too?

When my adult dcs stay ( they live 300 miles away) we always pay for meals out. I send Sainsbury's ecards for them to get nice bits of food....they got a nice amount of money to help furnish their homes which they bought recently.
I'd rather see them enjoy my money while I'm alive.

Mumsnet is soooooo out of touch with the real world!!

this stuff just isn’t typical

parents paying for endless meals out, holidays, house deposits - why is everyone’s parents so minted!!?

also do you not feel a bit weird in your thirties or forties taking handouts from your parents who are of probs of pensionable age?? Like where is your pride?!

We used to. They’ve had house deposits, university accommodation fees, driving lessons, furniture, holidays, weddings, as well as the usual day to day stuff. Bought big items for the grandchildren, child care etc.

Now they have far more money than us and we just don’t h e it any more.

Yes, it's their inheritance I'm spending on them

Rather see them enjoy it whilst we're here!

My parents don’t spend money on me these days now that I have a decent job, but they did help me out a lot in my 20s when I was at uni/getting my career off the ground.

I’m very grateful for the help they gave me and there’s no doubt it’s benefitted me in the long term but I’m much happier relying on money I’ve earned myself because they used to use the promise of money/gifts to control me. And it’s very gratifying to have freed myself from that.

I know not all families are like that though.

I'm mid 30's and for me it's been the other way around. Since being an adult I have paid for my mum when we've gone out etc. if we go for a meal or something, I usually pay for both of us.
However, for about a year, she has offered to pay for things which is very strange. She offered to pay for a meal a few months ago and then for some drinks the other week. Which feels odd. I am pregnant so I'm wondering if something has changed for her because of that. But prior to this, I've always paid.

I hope to do this to my dc. My in laws and my parents are so so tight. My MIL had to be told it's not normal to make a cake for a 5 yo birthday and not turn up with a present after a few years of doing this.
I'm talking the expectations of perhaps a gift from the pound shop even!
I hope I'm never that tight anyway. What is family if you don't act like you care and help when you can.

You have absolutely no idea what goes on in the life of others and it’s says a lot about you (and none of it good) if you think that having money means people have no other problems in life and don’t live in the real world.

As for pride - just why would you advertise your ignorance/blinkered thoughts on a public forum for people to see. I mean. Where’s your pride?

Same here. Having my mother pay for me as an adult would feel like sponging or taking advantage. I would feel ashamed.

She’d made a birthday cake and that in itself is worth its weight in gold and love.

I'm an adult dc and my dad just lent us £25,000 for various reasons I won't go into.

My mum buys the kids school uniforms. Pays their girlguiding subs and for the youngest buys her a whole wardrobe very season! (She works in a charity shop so most of it's from there).

I do! My DS is an adult and if we eat out I pay, I pay for holidays if he comes with me (we have similar interests), if I see something he would like I buy it for him.

He is saving so hard to buy a house and is responsible with his money I like to think I'm cushioning him a bit.

If I ate out with my DF we used to fight over the bill if I tried to pay because despite my being an adult he should be able to feed his child!

It's so cute and exactly the way i see it!

@LuckySantangelo35 obviously it wasn't every time she visited but in season changes and when our 3 children needed new things, or if she saw something she liked the look of. She paid for all their shoes as that was what her Mum and Dad did for my DH and brothers.

I'm 35 and my mum and dad are always still treating me and my brother who is 33. We both live with our partners now and my parents treat them the same as us and especially now that I have a 1 year old they spoil him rotten too

I should say it works both ways now though and my brother and I also try and treat my parents to meals out and gifts when we can

DD, early 30's, and DGS had to move in with me a couple of years ago. Before that I'd help by taking DGS on holiday and bought uniform, other clothes and shoes as DD is single and on minimum wage. I'd help out in any way I could afford
Now I provide a comfortable home and DD pays half of the utility bills. I happily do school runs daily as it's on my way to work and I babysit on the rare occasions she goes out. I'll still buy toys and clothes for DGS as that's my choice and it helps out but wouldn't buy for DD unless for Christmas/ Birthdays. I think she'd be embarrassed if I started buying for her tbh as we're both on low wages.
If we eat out we pay between us.
I don't think I received a penny from age 18 from my parents except for Birthday and Christmas, I would have felt very embarrassed to accept money once I was an adult but help with extras for the children would have been well accepted!

See I really don’t understand this at all. Imagine it’s you in the future and you have adult children who are managing quite nicely on their own but have childcare expenses and other bills so maybe don’t have lots of spare cash and you are in a position where you can comfortably pay for you all to go for a nice meal. How would you feel if they declined your invite to go and treat them? What about if they went and paid their half or even for you at the expense of being able to do something like buy a new appliance they were saving for or to get their kids swimming lessons or similar (so nothing they need but meaning they couldn’t stretch to a nice extra). It would really bother me to be able to help my kids financially or in other and have them feel like they couldn’t accept. I’m their mother and I always will be. I love them and I want to help them figure out whatever challenges they are facing as children. I also want to do things they find fun and watch them enjoy them. I really don’t see that changing when they get older. Equally I love my parents. I like to spend time with them doing things they enjoy. I like to treat them to things they might not get themselves and arrange surprises for them. Some of the things we do for each other cost nothing in money but might take a lot of time, some are expensive but cost nothing, some take both time and money to arrange. Most recently on my side I got together 10 of my parents close friends and arranged for dinner bed & breakfast at a nice hotel in a nearby city as a surprise birthday gift. They were so happy about the surprise and they had a really lovely time. I have the money to pay for it and I don’t care I could have bought something for myself instead. I wanted to do something for them. I enjoyed hearing about what a fun time they’d had. It was one set of their friends first time going out of the house to an indoor space since covid so that was pretty amazing too. I’m sure when they do things for us they feel the same way and they are happy with their choice. They gave us a chunk of their inheritance from grandparents to pay for part of our extension and they have said more than once how pleased they are we did it now while kids are small and we will get more benefit from it.

Our children are in their early twenties and neither is yet financially independent as they are both students. One starts her first proper job in September, so the end is in sight.

We are both retired on decent occupational pensions. We have paid off our mortgage and have savings. We are comfortable, and will be even more comfortable when I get my state pension in a few years (my husband already gets his).

We will be better off than our children for many years I would imagine, because even once they start earning they will have rent/mortgage to pay and student loans to pay back. At some point they might have childcare to pay for.

We will give them a decent deposit to help them buy somewhere, and we will continue to help them. We can afford it. Why on earth wouldn't we?

Yes I treat my adult kids and GC. I can afford to do if we eat out DH and I pay from joint account. I buy GC shoes too twice a year. It helps dd out. I used to pay towards their nursery fees but youngest starts school in September. I have 1 adult son still living at home saving his deposit and I treat him to a takeaway once a week. He does little jobs for me like pick up my prescription on way home from work to save me going out.

For those posters who say they are independent and don't want parents to pay. Parents know you are independent and will be proud of your achievements. When my kids were small I could not afford to treat them. If they needed new shoes they often had to wait for them as no money. Now I comfortable I want to make it up to them. If dgc needs new shoes I don't want them to have to wait. I just tell dd to pick them up new shoes and I transfer money across. I enjoy being able to treat my DC now and dgc too. I would feel a bit upset if they did not let me help when I can, especially as I know times are harder for them. I got a free degree my DC had to pay their loans back. My Dad gave me deposit for my first house and paid for my wedding. It is instinctive to want to help your kids out. And as previous poster said you can't take wealth with you.

I’m in my 30s and my parents still spend a lot of money on me and my siblings. Both on big things, like an annual holiday, house renovations etc. and smaller things like lunch out. My mum literally won’t accept a penny from me.

But they are relatively wealthy as they are mortgage free and have good pensions and investments. Think they just recognise they have a lot more disposable cash than we do even though we are relatively high earners, as cost of living is so much higher now.

I obviously wouldn’t let them pay for me if they were struggling financially.

I should also add we are very grateful and always thank our parents. I’m sure they wouldn’t continue if they thought we took it for granted.

My parents are of pensionable age, live in a million pound house that they bought for a tiny amount, and have more disposable income than my brother and I do in our 30s! They often treat us to dinners and we occasionally go on family holidays. I don't think they'd be doing that if it broke the bank and we certainly don't expect it.

All of my friends have a similar dynamic with their parents too so that's my experience of the 'real world'.

My parents didn't spend any large sums on us once we left uni but they did pay if we went out for a meal or a day out or a break away (this was only once though). They gave me £1k towards my wedding. Nothing towards a house deposit but property was much more affordable then (1997!) When I had my first baby they bought him a lot of outfits etc. Although I say "they" it was all driven by my mum. My dad has never liked putting his hand in his pocket.

During that time they were somewhat better off than us (higher income, no mortgage etc). By about my early 30s that shifted. Dad had retired and our earnings had increased a lot and so I started picking up the tab for meals, theatre tickets etc. It was just a natural progression. My mum always offers money for their share which I refuse.

Having said that they did pay for us to have a new driveway last year. I didn't need them to pay but they said they had taken advice about running down surplus savings to reduce IHT liability (they were late 70s). My grandma sat on a huge pile of cash and died at 91 and they were really shocked how much of it went to IHT.

It's hard for young people these days with house prices etc.
We are a close family and the younger members of the family help the older ones.
As others have said inheritance tax is tough so you might as well treat your family while you can.