To be extremely hurt - mother birthday drama

[Herewegoagainffs]

Have posted on here a few times over the years under different usernames for family advice, and you guys have always been fantastic. Long story short, my older brother is the golden child. My mother always puts him and his family first. My brother and I are not speaking (this is his fault, please trust me on that) and my mother had chosen to take his side and consequently we (husband, Children and I) are always left out of stuff. Ironically brother treats her like shit she is never included in his life and I include her always (invite her on holidays and heavily involve her in stuff as she is lonely and loves to be involved with grandchildren as brother shuts her out).

my son turns 5 next week. His actual birthday is a weekday, DM asks what we are doing. We are doing cake and presents after school. She asks if she can come. We say of course. DS is excited and has mentioned the plan several times. Today DM says she now has other plans, tickets to an event at 3pm so maybe she can “pop” at his bedtime. Maybe. Guess who other plans are with? That’s right.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come.

Sorry it's like this OP. She probably afraid of him you know.

NC. Now.

You're teaching the bairn to be second best. You've had a lifetime of it and you're wanting to pass that on to him.

No relationship is worth that. Let him spend his time with people who put him first.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come

I'd send her that exact message

I'd honestly just stop bothering with her. That's probably the only way she will see how much its impacting you. When she finds herself even more lonely perhaps she will.have a bit more self awareness.

I know people like this and they're so desperate for the crumbs and in fear of losing even them that they don't see the hurt it causes everyone else.

For your own mental health you need to either accept she's always going to treat you like shite and keep your expectations very low, or you need to take a step back.

No excuse for her behaviour and letting your son down on his birthday. Did you call her out on it? If not then tell her as you are obviously hurt. Please don't allow her to treat your child/children the way she has treated you.

I know people like this and they're so desperate for the crumbs and in fear of losing even them that they don't see the hurt it causes everyone else

EXACTLY THIS

thanks everyone. I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m so used to this shit I just don’t know anymore.

I’ve told her it’s completely unacceptable. No reply.

Don't let her pop in at bedtime.

And stop being so accommodating to her. Stop inviting her so much.

She’s given you a lifetime of being second best don’t let her continue to do this with your son. Stop bothering with her and tell her why. If she wants to see you, let it be on your terms and at your convenience.

Oh please!! She was afraid of a 5yo or a small child because op says that he was always the golden child. Stop with the excuses just because she's a woman. Poor you op, yanbu. Stop giving her this power over you, because she uses it to hurt you. And you must know the story will be that she wanted to come over and you had an issue with it, she will conveniently leave out that she cancelled plans and wants to come by at bedtime. She sounds toxic to you. I wouldn't have allowed her to come over on his birthday because then you will have no disappointment and she doesn't control how much damage she does. She can come on the weekend.

Protect your son from a lifetime of feeling second best the way you have. Stop bothering with her. She isn't bothered with you all, that's pretty clear.

She can’t come at bedtime because it’s wind down and sleeping time
not time
for excitement and more presents because she can’t come earlier for her own selfish reasons.

she was crying in my kitchen 2 weeks ago because my brother has never let her give his toddler a bath or feed him and then here we are. I feel sorry for her and then she turns around and I get slapped in the face like a mug.

She's now treating your son as second best. Put a stop to this. Let her run after your db and be left a sad,old woman. There is nothing you can say or do that will change her.

Stop accommodating her or including her. I'm not saying go no contact but don't include her in stuff. After she's spent some time alone she may appreciate what she had

Similar set up with my dysfunctional family but when i tried to talk about in a reasonable manner I got called jealous of him🤷 she'll never agree that she is in the wrong I'm afraid💐 (I called mine the prodigal son, he'd have no contact for years then turn up with bunch of flowers and mother thought the sun shone out of him, whilst I was called on continually for jobs, appointments, take her shopping, I was the skivvy)

Yabu for still having this woman in your life. She isnt your mum. She surely isnt behaving like one. Cut her loose and set yourself free. Stop torturing yourself.

I just reread your messages.
You wont go nc with your mum. Which is your decision
But then you need to stop complaining about her behaving the way she does.
Either accept her shitty behaviour and her treating you like shit . Or cut her out of your life.
But dont accept her behaviour over and over and over again. And then complain that she treats you like shit op.
You know what she is like. You know wha you sign up for.

@Mossstitch

sorry you’ve been through the same. Absolutely feel like the skivvy.

i think having it done to my son is just the last fucking straw for me.

@Marvellousmadness

I’m not going to go NC because I think that’s too far. But I am going to dramatically pull back. No coming on holiday with us. No staying at our place or “popping in” whenever she wants to see children, no more generous presents for her etc. fuck that shit. As a PP said, maybe she will realise when it all stops that she had a pretty good situation here.

let her try to get that from my brother!

I would also never mention plans to your son about her coming to visit because then he won't be disappointed when she cancels.

Op so many mins are like this with sons.
My dB also treated my mum like absolute shit but she thought the sun shone...out of his arse.

I've seen the same many times with friends.

I would say, " two weeks ago, you sat here crying about how you are not close to those DC. You then let down mine.
I'm not having it.
I'm not having my DC exposed to this two tier system that you have forced on me and dB.
Therefore at this time I cannot have contact with you.
I am not now, and I will never be second best.
".

Then follow through.

I suspect she's not aware of how she treats you or the impact it has had.

DH do also did this with him and it's astonishing to see how they so easily slip into it with the DC....

I know this feeling OP, and how painful it is to always be cast aside when the golden child wants some attention. It was very difficult for me to set boundaries, but it was the best thing I did. You and your son deserve better than second best.
If you feel able then I would tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her "popping in" on your sons birthday. And try to let her know how you really feel about how she treats you.

I do hope with some open communication she will realise how much her behaviour is effecting you and your son. And if she isn't open to changing then I would pull away. You deserve much more. I hope he has a lovely birthday

I suspect she's not aware of how she treats you or the impact it has had

we have discussed it time and time and time again. All the things I’ve been excluded from. All the special treatment etc. but here we are again. She fucking knows full well. She was shifty as fuck when she told me she must KNOW it’s cunty what she’s done, but as a PP says she needs the crumbs she’s offered.

your message is brilliant though. If she pushes back to what I’ve said I’ll send that.

You have to pull her up on it every time and there have to be consequences.