To be extremely hurt - mother birthday drama

[Herewegoagainffs]

Have posted on here a few times over the years under different usernames for family advice, and you guys have always been fantastic. Long story short, my older brother is the golden child. My mother always puts him and his family first. My brother and I are not speaking (this is his fault, please trust me on that) and my mother had chosen to take his side and consequently we (husband, Children and I) are always left out of stuff. Ironically brother treats her like shit she is never included in his life and I include her always (invite her on holidays and heavily involve her in stuff as she is lonely and loves to be involved with grandchildren as brother shuts her out).

my son turns 5 next week. His actual birthday is a weekday, DM asks what we are doing. We are doing cake and presents after school. She asks if she can come. We say of course. DS is excited and has mentioned the plan several times. Today DM says she now has other plans, tickets to an event at 3pm so maybe she can “pop” at his bedtime. Maybe. Guess who other plans are with? That’s right.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come.

My mum was like this, she always put my sister first. I knew she loved me but it could be really hurtful the things she would say and do without realising. I became kind of obsessed with it and realised I needed to tell her how I felt and step away, stop trying to please her and be the “favourite” because it was exhausting. When she had some time to reflect and miss me her attitude completely changed and so did my relationship with my sister. I realised that the way we were treated and my jealousy over it was what caused tension between us and it wasn’t her fault. We all have a much better relationship now in fact my mum and sister are my best friends and my mum has apologised for her past actions. It turns out my sister wasn’t really the golden child but my mum had held on to guilt from suffering with pnd after having her and had fallen into this cycle of trying to make it up to her from a young age and I guess it just never stopped.

I like what @KittyKittyKat said. Don’t let her see she is getting to you. And don’t let her write the narrative

A light reply along the lines “well I’m glad you finally realised how disappointing it is for DC not to see you for his birthday tea after you asked and promised to come. However because you said you weren’t coming, I already let him down gently and explained you couldn’t come any more. I didn’t tell him you had a better offer from DB of course as there is no way to explain that to a 5 year old. I made up another excuse. So it really would be better if you came a different day, which leaves you free to do the important event with DB that day. Another time, we won’t make plans for you to see DC on his actual birthday, we can just pick a weekend nearby, and then we won’t end up in this pickle again where you findyou have something you absolutely can’t say no to when to DB asks, and end up disappointing DC. I can’t stand to see him disappointed, especially on his birthday.”

As so often happens on mn, you have a dm problem and not a db problem in this dynamic. Separate the two problems.

Only involve your mother with the children when it isn't so important, ie not to come on actual birthday but at the weekend or if you hold a birthday party with friends etc as then there will be others around to help dilute the disappointment if she bails. Dont tell the children she is coming, wait until she arrives....its the same scenarios that divorced women have to do all the time with deadbeat dads. That is what she is so do the same protections for your children. Good luck, I know its hard.

@RandomMess has nailed it as usual.

You have accepted poor treatment in adulthood and are now allowing it to be a part of your childrens lives.

Your children will see the upset, hurt and mistreatment that you accept from your mother and it will become their norm too.

Your mother behaves badly because she thinks she can.

You accept her treating you and your family badly because you too believe you don't deserve any better.

Her behaviour is awful, but you accept it.

If you wanted your children to learn a healthy message you would model it yourself.

But you don't.

You deserve better OP.
So do your children.

I mean this very kindly but mothers with healthy boundaries would never accept this treatment of their children.

Stop looking at your mothers behaviour and look at your own.

Your children deserve better than this treatment.

I really sympathise. I asked my mother once - once - to babysit for a massive charity fundraising event I was organising that meant DH and I would be out until very late. I booked them months in advance and told them how important it was. The day before, after I'd cleaned the spare room and bought an easy supper for them all, my mum rang up and said, 'Oh we've just been invited to supper by our neighbours so can't babysit anymore.'

I was so upset I just said, 'Fine' and hung up. It made me realise how utterly low priority me and my children were to her and always had been. She is a very sweet woman - everyone who meets her adores her. And all the rest of the family think she's a saint. But we are not important in her life.

I think if it were me I would say she was no longer invited, unless you can be absolutely sure she won't say or do anything to sour the atmosphere on the day. Your son deserves someone who genuinely wants to be there....

She was shifty as fuck when she told me she must KNOW it’s cunty what she’s done, but as a PP says she needs the crumbs she’s offered

But you’re doing the same - taking the crumbs from her -

I wonder if you let others down if your mother wants to make an appearance or change plans because your mother wants to see you all?

You haven’t addressed this when others have asked - why not? Look at yourself and your behaviour and see if anything clicks.

Are you sure your brother didn’t actually cancel her and she’s back to her back up plan (you).

Honestly stop doing this to yourself. She doesn’t actually care how she makes you feel or your son. If she did she wouldn’t drop you like a stone every time your brother called. Stop making plans with her, it’s not your problem if she ends up alone at xmas because she was angling for an invite from your brother, she probably enjoys you fussing over it.

Sometimes our parents are not who we would have liked them to be. It’s not your fault (you really need to understand that it does not matter what you do, you can be wonderful and kind and welcoming and she will always prefer your brother) but you are under no obligation to be doormat.

I agree with some of the other comments about not accommodating her so much. I have heard this issue many times before i.e parents favouring the kids who give nothing and treating the children who support their parents with less regard.
I would step back a bit, let your brother get on and organise things for you mum. She treats you as second best so put your children first and don't bother inviting her to everything.

Also it’s so easy to do what pp have suggested like saying something sarcastic or angry and taking a swipe but I did this numerous times and it never worked. I think being heartfelt and saying honestly how much it hurt me my whole life before walking away was what made her realise I wasn’t just causing drama.

*I wonder if you let others down if your mother wants to make an appearance or change plans because your mother wants to see you all?

You haven’t addressed this when others have asked - why not? Look at yourself and your behaviour and see if anything clicks*

when has someone else asked that? I have addressed it I have said it’s a very good point and food for thought. I have never, ever let someone down because my mother has changed plans etc. I wouldn’t do that - it’s rude.

I don’t really want to play games or lie as some PP are saying. I would really rather just be honest and explain next time she’s not invited or for example now I’m clearly not going to pay to take her on holiday. Why would I? I don’t want her to feel like I’m punishing her because it’s not about that, I just feel like this has really gone too far now that she could do this on DS’ birthday and so I’m not prepared to let her into our lives as deeply anymore so she can hurt us!

Really good post, agree with a lot of this

Op, can you live with her not being bothered by you doing this? Because I don’t think she will be as she’s obviously not learnt anything from your sibling being NC with her.

I feel for you and hope you can get some peace of heart along the way.

@JellyBellyNelly

yes because I’m not doing it to bother her, I am doing it to protect myself and my family so her response to it doesn’t matter. I’ve already learnt that she and my brother live in an echo chamber where they are never in the wrong so its pointless to expect that to change. I’m amazed that she cancelled her tickets based on my experience tbh which is why I can’t quite believe it’s straightforward.

Out of curiosity had a look at the flower show website. There are many tickets available on different days and at different times.

You need to go NC.

She needs to learn that the pathetic way she’s treated her children will result in a son who is so spoiled he doesn’t give a shit, and a daughter who wants nothing to do with her because she’s been treated so second class.

She’s a disgrace. She’s not a victim.

The thing is, it’s not like she was specifically invited to the birthday, she asked what you were doing and then asked if she could come, so she probably doesn’t see it as a set in stone “event” or “party” that had to happen at that particular time.

Hmm sounds fishy doesnt it-loads of tickets available but it had to be that day, now shes not going

or did brother cancel on her so she backtracked

I think I'd tell her that to avoid her having any awkward clashes with GoldenChild, its best if you don't make any firm plans or bookings with her in future.

She's welcome to call up and see if you're available on the day, but of course if you've already got plans, you may not be. But this way, no one, particularly no CHILD ends up being let down/disappointed.

Then let her find out in her own time that this means you won't be taking her on holiday or doing anything that requires booking in advance, telling children in advance etc etc.

She can then sit around hoping that GC makes her better offers all day long and it won't affect you, if she wants to see you/your DC she can ring and ask to come over there and then, and take her chances.

And then id be EXTREMELY busy for a really long fucking time.

or did brother cancel on her so she backtracked

That would be my guess.

I dont think you can complain about predictable stuff when you keep putting yourself in the situations that prompt the let down!

Your mum won't change. Your brother won't change. YOU need to be the change.

Reply and say sorry that will not work for us. DS will be tired after all the excitement of his birthday and he would obviously rather spend quality time with you rather than just a brief visit. Then let her come back and sort out when she can do this. If she does not so be it.

Your mother’s an idiot. You’ve been kind, generous and forgiving to date - that’s worth a lot and says more about you than anything.

Like a lot of seriously silly people, DM isn’t that nice. Or loving - she may not be capable of it, who knows.

Who cares. She won’t change. Assuming you’re as big a person as you have been to date, it’s time to swallow that and feel properly sorry for yourself at being failed.

Then allow a relationship defined by occasions when she can’t hurt you or DS any more. It can be fun but stay semi formal; cafes, brief visits at Xmas, outings - no pop-ins, no hols, no involvement in personal affairs. Try and keep her out of your home and always try for a third party there.