To be extremely hurt - mother birthday drama

[Herewegoagainffs]

Have posted on here a few times over the years under different usernames for family advice, and you guys have always been fantastic. Long story short, my older brother is the golden child. My mother always puts him and his family first. My brother and I are not speaking (this is his fault, please trust me on that) and my mother had chosen to take his side and consequently we (husband, Children and I) are always left out of stuff. Ironically brother treats her like shit she is never included in his life and I include her always (invite her on holidays and heavily involve her in stuff as she is lonely and loves to be involved with grandchildren as brother shuts her out).

my son turns 5 next week. His actual birthday is a weekday, DM asks what we are doing. We are doing cake and presents after school. She asks if she can come. We say of course. DS is excited and has mentioned the plan several times. Today DM says she now has other plans, tickets to an event at 3pm so maybe she can “pop” at his bedtime. Maybe. Guess who other plans are with? That’s right.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come.

I’m not going to go NC because I think that’s too far. But I am going to dramatically pull back. No coming on holiday with us. No staying at our place or “popping in” whenever she wants to see children, no more generous presents for her etc. fuck that shit. As a PP said, maybe she will realise when it all stops that she had a pretty good situation here.

you need to communicate this with her in words and at a time when you are calm

in simple terms

what you did to my child feels like you're treating him as second best to brother and im not happy for that to happen. So from now on to save that from happening Im not going to invite you to important events as that takes away the possibility of it happening. Its such a shame but I have to protect my family from stuff like that happening and me from this type of stuff from you.If it was just the very rare time it'd not be noticed but its not.

your mother has made her bed

I haven't read your other threads so appreciate this may be entirely missing the mark, but the way she's now agreed not to go to the ticketed event makes me wonder - Is it possible she's manipulating your brother too?

A fortnight ago she was in your kitchen crying that she's never been allowed to bathe his kids, this week she's crying down the phone to him that you are annoyed she's going to his event even though she said she'd pop in later so DC won't miss out. So he thinks you're the drama queen and you see him as the golden child. But really it's just your DM playing you both off against each other so she can play the perpetual victim?

Don’t engage with her. I’d text..

“Actually we’ve decided now to have a fun afternoon of celebration with x, so we’ll be swimming or movies and then eating out. Not sure what time we’ll be home and don’t want to make firm plans around that, so we’ll see you some time later that week”

Dismissive and light. Don’t let yourself get upset. You won’t be her priority ever. You’re letting yourself get hurt by constantly trying to engage her.

I’m sorry this all happened op but I felt I had to step in because all of the advice seems to be coming from people who have obviously been burned themselves. Your dm’s response was totally irrational and unreasonable but I think you are reading a lot into something because you’ve been hurt in the past. Whether of your brothers doing or not something came up and there’s a chance she used the phrase popping in but it doesn’t necessarily mean your child was low on her priority list-I’ve had to do a few things in a day and have had something high priority but have ended up having to do what might look like fitting it in while I’m actually thinking ‘no matter what happens I have to get to that.’ Also I only ever casually mention things surrounding visitors especially now because of Covid because things happen sometimes and kids get disappointed. I hope your child has a lovely day no matter what x

Every time she's at yours, wallowing in self pity, usher her out telling her you've other stuff to do.

Is she on Mumsnet??

It's horrible, op. I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

My situation is very different, but still I have a mother who seems very much like she doesn't care about me. It's hurtful. I always thought when I was older it'd bother me less. But it actually bothers me more than ever. I've completely pulled back, I speak to her if she speaks to me, nothing more.

Good for you, it's not easy to trust your instincts and set boundaries when you are so used to having your needs and feelings overlooked, like many I think you've been empowered to do it this time to protect your child. Well done on breaking the cycle your child will never know the emotional neglect you've known because you are a beautiful mother willing to go against everything you've been conditioned to believe to protect your child. Your mum isn't worthy of you

@ApathyMartha

i really relate to your post! Last Christmas when I invited her I also had to force the issue as she always does the same - holds out of the “better offer”. The joke is my brother is a man child so they either won’t invite her at all or she would be having some awful man child Christmas instead of a nice one.

Where was she planning to go?

it is an annual flower show near us. She has never shown an interest and I am amazed my brother wants to go, and even more amazed that the only tickets available are at this exact time on my son’s birthday but there we go.

There has been loads of great advice and support on this thread which I appreciate a lot. And I’m very sad and sorry for anyone who has experienced similar.

You need to stop the cycle.

Stop involving her in any aspect of your lives. If she wants to see the family, let her do the chasing. Be unavailable more times than available.

I absolutely would not be allowing her to come around for the birthday. I’d be telling her that plans have changed and you’ll see her another time. Let her arrange that “other time”.

I also wouldn’t blame your brother for this, either. I feel like she is playing you off against each other and how he behaves is a direct result of her behaviour. You have no idea what lies she’s filled his head with over the years.

@CrikeyAlmightyOk

quite possibly

I have experience of this in my past and it took meant years to manage it. You have done well in replying to your mother's gaslighting with an exact and straight forward response detailing how she does this to you and how you feel about it. Now you need to withdraw a bit from running after her. No need for no contact. I think that would hurt you as much as it would hurt her and you can do without the extra stress. Just keep sticking to your guns. If she agrees to a plan with you then drops you don't offer an alternative plan like the bedtime thing. When/if she does this again don't invite her to the next thing. If she asks why just calmly say we weren't sure you would stick to the plan she will get the message that it isn't acceptable to treat you like this. In my case, and this is likely true in yours, your mother does love you but thinks it's 'safer' to upset you than your brother. When I stopped this dynamic she altered her ways. Not only did I get more appreciation from my mother when I refused to be messed about, I gained a lot more self respect as well. 💐

Will be good if she is on mumsnet. She might see this and hopefully, but doubtfully, see sense that she has created a brat out of her son and yet praises him for it and ignores her daughter. Stupid woman.

Take the whole brother thing out of this. It is being used to make you feel you need to fight your side. You really don't.

She was in the wrong by changing her plans and letting your DC down. That was bad manners.

No drama - it was just rudeness.

She was in the wrong by changing her plans and letting your DC down. That was bad manners

I said exactly this to her.

agree she's possibly 'trying' - or just caught up in acting out- to play you both off each other to get her emotional kicks. is her life a bit empty? you don't mention your dad at all, am guessing she's on her own?

@NotMyDust

shes on her own, yes. There are other siblings actually but they aren’t relevant to this specific dynamic. Another one is NC with her due to golden child. Another one is entranced by golden child. It’s very unhealthy tbh. I would say she definitely delights in the chasm and enjoys the power of the gatekeeper and speaking to golden child when 2 of us aren’t (because she sees that as a punishment for us I think). However golden child is also a total wanker, and she’s not manipulating him.

I'm not certain the DB isn't stirring the pot here, though.

Very interesting timing that he suddenly wants to invite her to a ticketed event on the exact time and exact date of your son's birthday celebration.

I am really sorry for you @Herewegoagainffs and agree with PPs that you should go no-contact or very low contact. Stop giving into her and taking the crumbs she throws out.

Sadly, it's not uncommon for women (particularly women born before 1960 I find,) to favour the boys in the family. My brother was OK as a kid (he's 7 years younger than me,) but from about 16-18 turned into a total arse. Became this way (I believe) because of being worshipped by the women in the family - particularly my mother and grandmother.

He is very selfish and self centred and grabby and has had 1000s and 1000s of £££ dished out to him, that he has never given back. I went low contact some 12-13 years ago when our parents died, but in the eyes of my mother he could do no wrong, and also in the eyes of my aunts and my grandmother. Similarly, my mother's mother favoured my mother's brother too. So you'd think she'd know what it's like!!!

I know SO many women whose mothers, grandmothers and aunts favoured the boys/men in the family, even though they were/are mostly useless selfish lumps who do fuck-all for them. The girls/women give their all, fetch and carry, take them out (shopping/to appointments/day trips etc,) and act like the dutiful daughters, whilst the men in the family do shag-all, and yet the men are adored and worshipped.

Got on my tits SO much (and that of my 3 female cousins who had the same thing happening.) Doesn't seem to happen as much with the newer generations of mothers (born post 1960,) but it still does a bit.

She ' thinks it's 'safer' to upset you than your brother. When I stopped this dynamic she altered her ways. Not only did I get more appreciation from my mother when I refused to be messed about, I gained a lot more self respect'

This is a good point.
Don't go no contact - but don't run around to pick up the pieces.
If you are nc with your brother - it is probably better not to talk to her about him at all.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

spot on post.

if my mother only knew some of the shocking and entitled shit DB said about her….I mean she wouldn’t do anything about it but Christ it’s depressing.

Important not to repeat the cycle!

Actually we’ve decided now to have a fun afternoon of celebration with x, so we’ll be swimming or movies and then eating out. Not sure what time we’ll be home and don’t want to make firm plans around that, so we’ll see you some time later that week

this is a good message

If you are nc with your brother - it is probably better not to talk to her about him at all

this is how it’s supposed to be, but she can’t help herself. She makes it very clear when she is seeing him by being very over the top “I’m going to X with SOMEONE” “oh I just have to run off now I have to see….I have to go”
but in a way where it’s clear she wants me to know who she means but doesn’t want to be accused of speaking about him. I think she enjoys it

The problem is that even though she has now done the right thing and cancelled the ticketed event to come, the damage has been done because she thought it was ok to do that in the first place!

I don't think you need to go no contact but you need to understand what low contact should entail. So when she says she'll pop by, you say "sure that would be nice" and don't bother telling your son. Don't have him expect her, don't build anything around it. If she cancels, then whatever. If she shows up, no big deal. If you invite her for christmas and she says she isn't sure yet say "no problem we'll plan without you. maybe next year". and stick to it. IF she comes back to you and says "oh I don't have plans as it happens, say oh what a pity, we already made our plans". Don't invite her for holidays. Meals together can be very rare. if she dumps you or fails you your response is "I didn't expect you anyway" not anything emotional because your emotions need to be low contact too - just don't bother too much about her. don't try to change her. don't have conversations about your brother. cut off the source of her enjoyment.