To be extremely hurt - mother birthday drama

[Herewegoagainffs]

Have posted on here a few times over the years under different usernames for family advice, and you guys have always been fantastic. Long story short, my older brother is the golden child. My mother always puts him and his family first. My brother and I are not speaking (this is his fault, please trust me on that) and my mother had chosen to take his side and consequently we (husband, Children and I) are always left out of stuff. Ironically brother treats her like shit she is never included in his life and I include her always (invite her on holidays and heavily involve her in stuff as she is lonely and loves to be involved with grandchildren as brother shuts her out).

my son turns 5 next week. His actual birthday is a weekday, DM asks what we are doing. We are doing cake and presents after school. She asks if she can come. We say of course. DS is excited and has mentioned the plan several times. Today DM says she now has other plans, tickets to an event at 3pm so maybe she can “pop” at his bedtime. Maybe. Guess who other plans are with? That’s right.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come.

How do you know what he says if you are NC with him?

op I have read all your posts and note how you say your children adore her and think she’s wonderful

how often does she see them? Does she do any regular childcare for you?

The risk to your DC is that she will love bomb them whilst they are young and adoring and then turn on them once she has established her golden grandchild which is likely to be one of her golden child's DC.

Well done, OP. That sounds very wise.

It won't necessarily be always easy, but when you feel your resolve weakening, just recall to your mind her words “Oh dear I wondered when the onslaught would occur... You are making a drama out of nothing. I won’t engage in this total nonsense. Honestly l can’t help your feelings towards DB. Its not fair” (and the fact that these words were not just blurted out in the heat of a verbal argument, but typed out in a text and sent to you with the intention of causing distress).

If you haven't already looked into it, I would recommend researching the "Grey Rock" technique (mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique) - some aspects of it may be helpful to you.

Every good wish to you and your DS.

Well done ! Just remember that it is not your fault - any of it, but what you do from now on will be witnessed by your own children.
My children saw what 'Granny' was like. They remember things from as little as four and five. They know I am not like my mother and never ever will be. I stopped with the drama when I went NC. A good decision.

How do you know what he says if you are NC with him?

I don’t mean now, I just mean over the years (we haven’t spoken for 2.5 years but before then he came out with such unreasonable stuff about her)

how often does she see them? Does she do any regular childcare for you?

she pops in several times a week as she lives very nearby. She has them for 2-3 hours at hers once a week but I hasten to add this is something she wants to do, we have paid help and I’m at home so she doesn’t need to do this! I can’t say she’s not a good grandmother because she is. That’s why I’m so shocked about this situation

So I get the distinct impression that this situation is not a common occurrence? In fact she has a very close, loving and extremely regular relationship with your children.

so this entire thread seems somewhat… OTT (under statement)

You can say that, because she's not.

You've just told us that she wanted to dump him for a fucking flower show she could have gone to at any other day/time, but you keep deluding yourself and letting your poor little lad be treated the way you were.

Christ - MN can be crazy! One post saying I’m OTT and the other saying I’m deluding myself and she’s awful.

@Ohthatsexciting

it is not a common occurrence with my children. It’s a common occurrence with ME. I am regularly dumped for my brother and excluded. It’s not OTT - I’ve seen it now extends to my children.

YANBU

Sorry that your Mum is like that

I would just say "x (nane of your son) is sad that you can longer come as promised - he was excited about seeing you" and then tell her bedtime "pop" is too late and she can either drop off her present/card in advance (sorry haven't read entire thread but assume near you ?) or you will collect it on z(convenient moment to you ) and in future you don't rely on her promises to be somewhere for your children or yourself.

I had this and eventually went NC as she was twisting my children and doing the same to them. She has even tried to send her flying monkeys in but we are well rid.

But it will be, because that's what she's like.
She's already putting her ds and a flowers show before her GC.
She's already started.

She's moved on to her next target,it's that simple

Can I just ask...is it the Southport Flower Show?

My Mum was a totally toxic person in my life. I went NC with her a few times, and gave her many "second" chances. I just sat there one day and realised that I only ever tried with her because people told me it was wrong to cut family out of my life. What was wrong was the way she had treated me all my life.
I took the plunge, and here I am 20+ years later still without her toxicity and cruelty in my life.

Putting a line through my relationship with her has been a healing time for me. I've had to concentrate on knowing that I did not deserve her behaviours ever. When I think about her now I don't really feel anything, except maybe sadness that it ended that way.
No matter what anyone tells you, just because you were in her womb does not make her allowed to treat you less than you deserve. Anyone who continually hurts you and let's you down is not a healthy addition to your life.
Live your life on your terms, decide your rules and stick to them. You don't owe her anything. Let her know your decisions, without justification. She knows how she's behaved.
I wish you health and happiness and a toxic free life ❤️

Yes, there's one person that's damaged your relationship with your brother and it's her. Probably from when you were both small.

@It's called divide and rule.

My Mum tried this with my brother and I when we were kids, favouring one over the other. We stuck together and went NC with her instead as young adults. My brother is one of my closest friends now and we don't have all the drama that she caused.

She's probably slagging you off to your brother in the same way that she slags him off to you.

I would go cold shoulder on her (as you don't want NC). Don't make that much effort, back off and avoid the drama llama.

Stop trying to seek her approval, you'll never get it.

It's something that you'll have to accept that she's never going to be the kind of mum you want.

Get some counselling to get over it.

This is interesting what you said about her and your brother talking about your texts and her suddenly saying she’s available because she’s probably playing you off against each other, anticipating a response to her actions.

People like this get a fix off playing the victim and she’s able to use your responses to strengthen the bond she desires between her and your brother;

her - “look at these cruel texts she sent me!”
him - “yes I’ve told you before what she’s like.
her “gosh your right I just don’t know what to do.
him - comes in as saviour - bond strengthened.

You can never ever win with people like this as they will continually manipulate everything you say in order to take it back to the person they want to feel special with. Very LC is pretty effective if you don’t want to go NC. Just make the relationship as neutral and superficial as possible so there’s nothing for her to use as a trigger.

Yupp. My brother sympathises so much with my mother when she is awful to me and I have a reaction to that.

What they want from me is that I never have any visible reaction to anything, but yet show a whole load of concern for their feelings.

You've said some things that are really relatable to me. Your comment about your brother, something along the lines of if you do something he doesn't like he cuts you out forever.

With my situation it's generational trauma. My mother was cut out by her mother for a ridiculous reason, I make a choice my mother didn't agree with and told my dad how I felt my decisions as an adult weren't respected and met with silent treatment & hostility. The result?
She cut me out and told everyone I stopped her seeing her grandkids.
I have never had my mother's support if it was something she wouldn't choose herself. She never had my back.
And that's why I went NC and am going to try my absolute damned hardest to make sure my children NEVER feel the way that I felt and still do.
I'm just waiting on my therapy appointment to come through.

I am so sorry to hear what’s happening. I had this with my mum and my youngest sister who could do no wrong so I know how you feel. It’s sad and it’s very damaging for you and your son being treated this way. I would step back and avoid all contact or have very little contact with your mum for the sake of your own mental health. Your mum is just so desperate to have a bond with your brother and his family she’s blinded to see how this is effecting you and your son and it’s just very sad for all involved. Have no expectations of your mum and if she calls round just be your friendly self you normally are. I know this must be very upsetting for you and your son but sometimes we have to accept that people cannot change and give us what we want. I would sit her down and talk to her and explain how you feel but I think she will get just defensive as deep down she knows what she is doing is wrong but is blinded by her feelings for your brother. The brother sounds a real piece of S…. I am just so sorry that this is how things are for you. I hope you have a lovely day with your son on his birthday. Let us know how it all goes.

I would tell her not to bother, who does that to their grandchild

You say your brother is a wanker, I believe you, I have 3 brothers who are all wankers and I have been NC with them for decades. Why is your brother your son's godfather if he is so awful? Do you also pander to him in the same way your mother does? I'm not criticising as I understand family dynamics can be really fucked up.

My DH had a similar dynamic to you with his DM and DS. His DM created a divide between him and DS, playing them off against eachother. He just stopped playing, stopped engaging in the drama, stopped requesting anything and it was so much easier for him.

If you can, try not to have any expectations of your mother. She probably enjoys the drama of your reaction, she's playing you because it makes her feel important and wanted. Stop taking her on holiday, stop inviting her, stop including her.

Tell her not to bother coming over after she’s been to your brother’s, and that she will NOT be welcome to “pop in” to see your son from now on.

On his birthday or at any other time.

Period.

In many cultures, the son is more important than a daughter. But this is Europe, in the twenty-first century. Not medieval China, for crying out loud.

People often feel.sorry for lonely old neighbours, family never come to see them, etc. Always worth remembering there may be more to it.