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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be extremely hurt - mother birthday drama

212 replies

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 14:15

Have posted on here a few times over the years under different usernames for family advice, and you guys have always been fantastic. Long story short, my older brother is the golden child. My mother always puts him and his family first. My brother and I are not speaking (this is his fault, please trust me on that) and my mother had chosen to take his side and consequently we (husband, Children and I) are always left out of stuff. Ironically brother treats her like shit she is never included in his life and I include her always (invite her on holidays and heavily involve her in stuff as she is lonely and loves to be involved with grandchildren as brother shuts her out).

my son turns 5 next week. His actual birthday is a weekday, DM asks what we are doing. We are doing cake and presents after school. She asks if she can come. We say of course. DS is excited and has mentioned the plan several times. Today DM says she now has other plans, tickets to an event at 3pm so maybe she can “pop” at his bedtime. Maybe. Guess who other plans are with? That’s right.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come.

OP posts:
PaperTyger · 30/06/2022 14:49

Oh 😳 well even more reason to be very very firm.
You being firm may actually help her get the strength to be strong with your brother.shes also locked into a toxic relationship with him.

Sceptre86 · 30/06/2022 14:55

Yabu because you post about this sort of stuff every so often and rant but don't actually do anything about it and now it's affecting your kids but you still won't go nc. It seems you just post for validation and for people to sympathise with you when you know she's unreasonable. It's not a healthy relationship and you know that. You deserve better!

Justmuddlingalong · 30/06/2022 14:55

Stop inviting her to do things. She will continue to drop you to be with DB, so don't enable her to make you and your family feel shit. Make plans but don't give her details or invitations. If she asks why she wasn't included, tell her the reason, honestly and bluntly.

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 14:58

She’s sent me a load of gaslighting shit

“Oh dear
I wondered when the onslaught would occur

I see DC alot
With greatest of pleasure

This was the only ticket and its for an hr or two at most
You are making a drama out of nothing
I won’t engage in this total nonsense

Honestly l can’t help your feelings towards DB

Its not fair”

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/06/2022 15:00

"Oh do fuck off mother."

Idontknowwhat2do · 30/06/2022 15:03

"Okay, well I hope you have a lovely evening. And we will too. Please don't bother 'popping in' on your way home."

That's what i would personally put. Maybe a bit more colourfully though 😅

Bunty55 · 30/06/2022 15:07

She's pretending that her relationship with him is OK and you are jealous. You all know it is not true. Your Mum is in denial but at the same time expects you to understand. She has also given your brother the red light to a God Complex, so she is to blame for all of this.
It's when your children are involved in this the 'understanding' has to come to an end.
Wait until the next time she wants to be involved with you and do the same to her. I think actions will speak louder than words.

I had to go NC with my mother for very similar reasons ( other stuff as well ) and I never looked back as it was the only path I could take and I felt liberated

BingeBitch · 30/06/2022 15:15

I would text back “if fictional jealousy about DB helps you delude yourself then crack on mother, just remember next time you need a shoulder to cry about the way DB treats you mine won’t be available. Enjoy your show, please don’t bother to pop by afterwards.

CraftyYankee · 30/06/2022 15:15

You know that she will create a scene on your son's birthday right? She'll pop in at bedtime and either you let her in because your son wants to see her, he's worked up and overtired but she leaves happy as Larry because she got the ego feed she wants. OR you refuse to let her in, she goes nuts, your son is upset, cue ruined day.

How are you going to prevent that?

HairyDad · 30/06/2022 15:18

My mum would not do that in a million years. It's fine if she doesn't want to be involved, but she can't dip in and out when she likes, that's not fair. I honestly don't know what I'd do becasue this sort of behaviour is alien to me, but I think I would stop inviting her to anything. If she really wants to see her GS then she'll do what my mum does and phone way in advance, make arrangements to come see you, and say sorry to anyone else if offered other plans

MixedMarriageMadness · 30/06/2022 15:23

Make it clear - your issues with you DB are separate to the issues with your DM.

The fact that she will drop you and your family at the drop of a hat to put DB first and make you feel second best is the problem you have. And that has nothing to do with your DB but how she chooses to act.

TiddleyWink · 30/06/2022 15:30

‘I know it helps you to feel better about how you treat me, when you reframe events and rewrite the truth in your mind. Trust me, I can see straight through it. I’ve put up with a lot of crap from you over the years but seeing it inflicted on my child is a step too far. He was so excited about you coming over and in future I’m not going to risk him being hurt or let down by you again. So you can look forward to the same number of invitations from us that you get from DB. Don’t pop round on his birthday, you’re not welcome. In my family we don’t prioritise people who don’t prioritise us’.

Then step back from her massively.

From your posts on her I don’t think you will, sadly. If you can’t do it for yourself, please protect your poor child from this shit.

Vivi0 · 30/06/2022 15:30

MixedMarriageMadness · 30/06/2022 15:23

Make it clear - your issues with you DB are separate to the issues with your DM.

The fact that she will drop you and your family at the drop of a hat to put DB first and make you feel second best is the problem you have. And that has nothing to do with your DB but how she chooses to act.

This.

The situation is not your brother’s fault.

This dynamic has been set by one person and one person only: your mum.

diddl · 30/06/2022 15:45

Any chance that your brother did this on purpose?

I'm guessing it's not a rare chance to see his kids?

If she doesn't see him/them very often I can see why she would want to take every opportunity.

That's not really a good enough reason to let your son down though is it?

sunshinesupermum · 30/06/2022 15:48

Your poor DS! I know how excited my DGSs are when DD1 tells them I am coming to visit, all the more so when it's a birthday celebration.

P205 · 30/06/2022 15:51

I suspect nothing you say will make her realise how unfair she is being.

I wouldn't bother replying to her text.

As they say, you can't change people, you can only change how you react to them. Set your boundaries and be firm, but don't engage beyond that.

RandomMess · 30/06/2022 15:53

Step back and think about this.

You accept her crumbs.

You are accusing her and being angry over the exact same thing you do.

EnterACloud · 30/06/2022 15:57

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 14:58

She’s sent me a load of gaslighting shit

“Oh dear
I wondered when the onslaught would occur

I see DC alot
With greatest of pleasure

This was the only ticket and its for an hr or two at most
You are making a drama out of nothing
I won’t engage in this total nonsense

Honestly l can’t help your feelings towards DB

Its not fair”

Hi mum, this is nothing to do with [brother], this is about you making the choice to let down your grandson on his birthday. You know how excited little kids get about their birthdays and he is fully aware you are coming and is looking forward to it very much. If you choose to change your plans and miss (son's) birthday tea, that is your decision. Just so you know, the tea is from x-x times and unfortunately we can't have visitors after that as he'll be in bed.

^ this would be my reply, clear and accurate and avoiding her bullshit. If she takes the time and doesn't come up with a reversal of her current plans, that's the time to tell her that you need to rethink the relationship esp between her and her grandchild. As others have said, having beloved relatives waltz in and out and let him down isn't nice for him.

LondonWolf · 30/06/2022 15:57

RandomMess · 30/06/2022 15:53

Step back and think about this.

You accept her crumbs.

You are accusing her and being angry over the exact same thing you do.

This is so wise.

AntiHop · 30/06/2022 15:58

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 14:58

She’s sent me a load of gaslighting shit

“Oh dear
I wondered when the onslaught would occur

I see DC alot
With greatest of pleasure

This was the only ticket and its for an hr or two at most
You are making a drama out of nothing
I won’t engage in this total nonsense

Honestly l can’t help your feelings towards DB

Its not fair”

What a shitty response .

I agree with pp. Pull back. Other than nc it's your only option to protect yourself from hurt.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 30/06/2022 16:08

Please don't allow your dc to be party to her favouritism. Pull back. Meet her away from your home if you must at all. . Make yourself less available... And your ds. She can't be ever allowed to make him feel like you do. I went nc with my df after he kept letting my dc down..

Shakirasma · 30/06/2022 16:11

What a shitty response from her, I'm angry on your behalf!

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 16:14

@RandomMess

very wise and thought-provoking, thank you.

Any chance that your brother did this on purpose?

im sure he did. He is actually (sadly) DS’ godfather so knows exactly what the day is. I have had an unpleasant back and forth with my mother and suddenly she messaged “I wasn’t thinking, I have cancelled X and will be there at the birthday”.

it was an adult only event so brother’s child wouldn’t have been there.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 30/06/2022 16:17

Look, I have a bollock awful Mother. I went no contact last year at the age of 48. I always thought I couldn't.

My only regret? I wish I'd done it at 18 and saved myself the time and bother of dealing with her.

Get yourself free op!

OopsAnotherOne · 30/06/2022 16:18

Funny how she tried to gaslight you, calling it nonsense and saying you're making a drama out of nothing, only for her to then do a 180 and decide she now DOES want to come and see your DS after all. Bizarre. She doesn't seem to have any shame.

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