To be extremely hurt - mother birthday drama

[Herewegoagainffs]

Have posted on here a few times over the years under different usernames for family advice, and you guys have always been fantastic. Long story short, my older brother is the golden child. My mother always puts him and his family first. My brother and I are not speaking (this is his fault, please trust me on that) and my mother had chosen to take his side and consequently we (husband, Children and I) are always left out of stuff. Ironically brother treats her like shit she is never included in his life and I include her always (invite her on holidays and heavily involve her in stuff as she is lonely and loves to be involved with grandchildren as brother shuts her out).

my son turns 5 next week. His actual birthday is a weekday, DM asks what we are doing. We are doing cake and presents after school. She asks if she can come. We say of course. DS is excited and has mentioned the plan several times. Today DM says she now has other plans, tickets to an event at 3pm so maybe she can “pop” at his bedtime. Maybe. Guess who other plans are with? That’s right.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come.

How frequently has she let them down? Does she live close presumably and involved regularly? Or infrequent contact but then wonderful when with them?

Not acceptable to have visitors at your DS's bedtime, no matter who. Even if you've already said she can come, contact her and say in retrospect it's his bedtime, so you'll be doing bedtime routine and neither of you will be free. Don't offer an alternative and don't answer door if she turns up. If she comes back with another time, ask her to phone beforehand to make sure it's convenient as you've got a busy few days coming up.

That was an incredibly cruel and selfish reply text from your mother -

“Oh dear I wondered when the onslaught would occur...
You are making a drama out of nothing
I won’t engage in this total nonsense
Honestly l can’t help your feelings towards DB
Its not fair”

• are not the words of a loving parent or grandparent.

Sadly, from my experience, this is only going to get worse and you need to take steps now. What happens when your mother is a lot older and possibly becomes infirm or reliant on you and your DB for support and personal care? Who will be the one stepping up and caring for her? I can almost guarantee that it won't be old golden-balls helping her on and off the commode.

I'm having to step up now with someone who was very unpleasant to me whilst growing up, and still on occasion physically hits me, whilst other sibling can do no wrong and I have even been told that my DSIL (who is genuinely nice and whom I love dearly) is "the wonderful daughter she'd always wanted but never had". Please don't end up like me.

I'd be tempted to text back "you're right. I won't engage in this total nonsense. It's not fair." But I know that it would just perpetuate the cycle and would be helpful to no-one.

I wish you well, whatever you decide, and I hope that your son has a very lovely birthday.

I'm wondering if she will get "held up" and be very late to the party - but because OP will be expecting her, and the child will be so eager to see her, everyone will hang about and wait . . .

This.

Frankly, OP, if your son gets hurt, you are the one to blame. You know what your mother does, you keep allowing it to happen to you, and now you refuse to break the cycle so it effects the self esteem of the next generation. Grow up. Your mother will never change. You can't change her, nothing you do will make her love you the same/more than your bastard brother. All you have control over is your own behaviour and how that has a knock on effect on your child. Protect him and stop doing the "pick me" game with your mother to the detriment of the mental wellbeing of you and your immediate family unit. You owe it to them to stop this now.

I'm inclined to agree with other posters on this on, OP. I mean it in the kindest way possible when I say that you really need to get your ideas together. Your mother won't change, she has shown you that. She cannot help how she is, she will always be this way, but you can choose how you react to her and whether or not you keep your DS out of harm's reach.

She has hurt you and now she is beginning to hurt your DS. He will already know he is second best, please step back and stop this cycle of cruelty that will only get worse for both you and your DS.

I would write her a concise, factual letter explaining the effect the favouritism has had on you, that letting her grandchild down on his birthday is the last straw, and that you are not prepared to have your child grow up being treated as second-tier in his own family. I would then cut contact with her - and stick to it, no push-me-pull-you drama. Say "enough", and mean it. You won't regret it.

@Ohthatsexciting

that’s not me

It’s because she knows your brother can take away even the tiny bit of a life she has with her grandchildren that she does this. It’s not right. In fact it’s every shade of wrong and she has to learn that enough is enough, that she now has decisions to make.

this was last straw for me too. My brother is the golden child and I've always been a scapegoat. I'm very low contact with mother now.
when my 3 yr old met her again, he turned to me and said 'whyoes your Mummy speak to you like that?'. Made me realise it's never going to change and we're better off without her

So true, history repeating itself. You can stop it though. NC until she knows how to engage and be a normal, loving grandmother.

Her message back to you was awful, OP. Really nasty and with no acknowledgement of your feelings at being made to feel second best, which she's clearly aware of. I hope I'm wrong, but I wonder if the sudden change of heart is a ruse cooked up by her and your DB to keep you sweet and that she'll turn up late to your DS's birthday regardless.

I'm wondering if she will get "held up" and be very late to the party - but because OP will be expecting her, and the child will be so eager to see her, everyone will hang about and wait . . .

It seems odd to me that Op's brother would be OK with his Mum cancelling on him.

Maybe he just wanted to know that his mum would cancel on his nephew for him?

They do sound like a couple of manipulative school bullies.

So she asked to come, then said she couldn't & now can again.

And you'll probably say yes because your son wants it.

But if your brother clicks his fingers again?

You’re obviously right, she’s a dick.

but you know she’s a dick, she keeps showing you she’s a dick
stop being surprised when she’s a dick.

thats the only part of this you have control over. Stop expecting and hoping she will change. She won’t.

Don’t tell your son she is coming as I agree with other posters that she will suddenly have a drama that means she’s running late/can’t come. If she does tell you last minute that she is going to be late do not hold things up for her, just carry on as normal. If she tries to turn up at bedtime make sure you have locked the door once you start Tor bedtime routine and do not let her in, let your husband answer the door to her if necessary.

You do need to go very low contact or NC. She’s not a good grandparent if she treats you, and by extension your child, this way. Do you want her to start playing favourites between your and your DB’s children? Because that’s the next step.

Don't allow her to do this to you. Take a huge step back from her. Don't contact her. Wait till she contacts you, then give her the ultimatum. Tell her you're not prepared to let her make your child feel inadequate. She either steps up or she's out of your life. Let her have golden boy, for what good that'll do her.

It's very harsh of people to say it's the OPs fault. She just wants her mum to change and hopes for that, no matter how much she knows it might not happen. The only one to blame is her shitty Mother

Don't take this misery on holiday with your family she is using you, she doesn't even want to be with you, she wants her son and his family.
Don't do anything for her.
Let her come once a month or meet in a park.
Treat her like an acquaintance.
Teach your kids how not to be a doormat.

My dm is like this with me and db.
Except now she’s old and not very mobile so she relies on us visiting her.
And of course db only visits about once a year and she is lonely.
She realises now though and I actually get thanked for everything I do but golden boy spoke to her for an hour on the phone on Mother’s Day so she was delighted.
It's sad really.

bit harsh.

Broken promises are very hard to forgive, especially where children are concerned. So sorry you are in this situation. My late husband's brother was the golden child, and we caught his mother out in a lie about going there one Christmas - she rejected our invite, but hadn't actually been invited there yet. My husband never really got over it.

I actually had similar with my MIL. She treated her other grandkids so much better than mine. If we were all in her house at the same time it was so obvious and hurtful to my child. She was a nasty piece of work. I thought to myself there's no way I'm having my child upset by her nasty antics. I stopped going round completely. I felt so much better once I'd made that decision.

Where was she planning to go? If it was something that was a one off and she couldn't go to again I wouldn't mind. Disappointment perhaps for the birthday child but not actually the end of the world.

Try not to blame your mother for the way your brother manipulates her.

I’m in such a similar situation. We’ve been late for dinner plans because golden boy turned up at the last minute and she couldn’t just leave even through she’d made a commitment to babysit for us. She’s held out for days when it’s her birthday/Mother’s Day because she wouldn’t want whatever we were trying to plan to clash with whatever he ‘may’ plan (usually nothing). She does so much for him with little thanks. The ‘crumbs’ is an excellent phrase.

I used to try and organise things with her all the time but I finally realised that I’m never going to have the relationship with my mother that I wanted. I now hold my son at arm’s length from her and am LC with her. She’s realised I think because she keeps offering to babysit, come round etc but it’s too late now. I get that it’s hard to completely cut your parent out but I now firmly keep boundaries.