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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be extremely hurt - mother birthday drama

212 replies

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 14:15

Have posted on here a few times over the years under different usernames for family advice, and you guys have always been fantastic. Long story short, my older brother is the golden child. My mother always puts him and his family first. My brother and I are not speaking (this is his fault, please trust me on that) and my mother had chosen to take his side and consequently we (husband, Children and I) are always left out of stuff. Ironically brother treats her like shit she is never included in his life and I include her always (invite her on holidays and heavily involve her in stuff as she is lonely and loves to be involved with grandchildren as brother shuts her out).

my son turns 5 next week. His actual birthday is a weekday, DM asks what we are doing. We are doing cake and presents after school. She asks if she can come. We say of course. DS is excited and has mentioned the plan several times. Today DM says she now has other plans, tickets to an event at 3pm so maybe she can “pop” at his bedtime. Maybe. Guess who other plans are with? That’s right.

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/06/2022 16:18

Hmm-do you believe that your Mum has cancelled-might she let your son down on the day?

OopsAnotherOne · 30/06/2022 16:19

Being the snarky bitch I am, I'd be half tempted to say "Sorry, we have made other plans now. Reinstate your tickets, have a good time with DB." But that's just me....

BlackTourmaline · 30/06/2022 16:21

Like pp have stated disengage from this toxic dynamic as it is extending to your children.

catandcoffee · 30/06/2022 16:23

OP never let your child be second best,to anyone.

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 16:23

Hmm-do you believe that your Mum has cancelled-might she let your son down on the day?

she wouldn’t do that but I am very curious as to why she suddenly changed her mind. It feels like maybe she told DB and they decided together to “avoid the drama” or else maddening that makes it my fault. She said that she “was expecting something like
this tbh”. It’s hard to accept it’s not possible to get through to someone. It’s like you’re speaking to a human and then finding out it’s actually a sheep or something.

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 30/06/2022 16:25

FallopianTubeTrain · 30/06/2022 14:21

is it too much to expect her to keep my son’s birthday free as fucking agreed and not treat him like an afterthought she can “pop” and see when she’s finished with her preferred plan with golden child, which she made AFTER saying she would come

I'd send her that exact message

I second this. Call her out! Let rip be angry!

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/06/2022 16:26

Stop allowing your mother to abuse your son.

Why are you helping her do this by involving her in your life so much?

Dominuse · 30/06/2022 16:28

SteamingHind · 30/06/2022 14:20

NC. Now.

You're teaching the bairn to be second best. You've had a lifetime of it and you're wanting to pass that on to him.

No relationship is worth that. Let him spend his time with people who put him first.

This children KNOW aged 2-3 they don’t know they are second best or second to a trip to Tesco or what ever but the stress it causes you is immense at aged 7/8 they know. So do it now.

nc all the way. She and he will Twist the narrative - you know they will

safclass · 30/06/2022 16:32

My ex b-i-l had an in/out mother who used to use him when and how she pleased.

She did it once when their daughter was born , warned they'd go NC if she did it again. She did, and they didn't see each other again. He said he couldn't have his daughter messed about in the way she treated him.

Piffle11 · 30/06/2022 16:36

I am afraid I will be taking a step back from your DM. This is of her own making. Stop making such an effort to include her. We actually had a very similar situation several years ago with 2 members of DH's family: MIL decided to stay 'neutral' - even though she said she thought they were in the wrong - and we were relegated to second best at any family events. One afternoon, just before Christmas, she was supposed to come and see our DC… She turned up, DC very excited to play with her, and she turned round and said to them that she didn't have time to play as she was going out with the two people we were no longer talking to. She stayed for less than 15 minutes. Didn't even sit down. So we stopped bothering to include her in things.

diddl · 30/06/2022 16:36

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 16:23

Hmm-do you believe that your Mum has cancelled-might she let your son down on the day?

she wouldn’t do that but I am very curious as to why she suddenly changed her mind. It feels like maybe she told DB and they decided together to “avoid the drama” or else maddening that makes it my fault. She said that she “was expecting something like
this tbh”. It’s hard to accept it’s not possible to get through to someone. It’s like you’re speaking to a human and then finding out it’s actually a sheep or something.

Well the cynic in me would say that she realises that she has gone too far this time & she's not sure that you'll keep putting up with her shit.

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 16:37

So you acknowledge that the dynamic is toxic and refuse to cut her out/ go extremely low contact. So you have no grounds to complain. You can't complain about something you are not willing to do anything about. Her gaslighting isn't enough for you? Your mother created this dynamic between her kids so stop placing the blame on your db. He is just a product of her toxicity. It's obvious that you will bend over and accommodate her now on the day, all the while still being second.

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 16:39

Sceptre86 · 30/06/2022 14:55

Yabu because you post about this sort of stuff every so often and rant but don't actually do anything about it and now it's affecting your kids but you still won't go nc. It seems you just post for validation and for people to sympathise with you when you know she's unreasonable. It's not a healthy relationship and you know that. You deserve better!

Exactly. This is on you on how you want to be treated. She won't change , you know that. And do you want to force her into tolerating you and your child?

StaunchMomma · 30/06/2022 16:39

The truth is she panders to him in the hope of gaining favour due to his poor behaviour towards her and you are pandering to your Mother in the hope of gaining favour due to her poor behaviour towards you.

Step away from the batshit, OP.

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 16:48

So you acknowledge that the dynamic is toxic and refuse to cut her out/ go extremely low contact. So you have no grounds to complain

im happy to go low contact, I just don’t want to go no contact. I just wanted to confirm I wasn’t being unreasonable because this sort of treatment can cause you to question your own sanity. In theory I know it’s wrong, but in practise I’m used to feeling like I am somehow in the wrong so it’s not as easy as you think. I went NC with her a few years ago for a period of time and I didn’t actually find it very helpful. I did a lot of work with a therapist which did help but from time to time this sort of shit happens and I geniunely don’t know how to deal with it

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 30/06/2022 16:54

SteamingHind · 30/06/2022 14:20

NC. Now.

You're teaching the bairn to be second best. You've had a lifetime of it and you're wanting to pass that on to him.

No relationship is worth that. Let him spend his time with people who put him first.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

You are letting your child learn to beg for crumbs of attention.

He is worth more than this, and so are you.

Tell her you hope she enjoys her afternoon, but he will be in bed by the time she comes round. Even if it's early - he gets so tired after an exciting party.

She might be prepared to take crumbs from your brother, but you don't have to take them from her.

Never teach a child to accept second best, or to be someone else's back-up option.

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 16:55

You need to take back the power she had over you. She wanted to come over but you absolutely know that she will let you down. Even if you were unsure of that happening, there was a possibility. So take away the opportunity from her to do that. You should have said it wasn't possible to visit on the day but over the weekend. In that way your ds day would not have been upset and neither would you. If she let you down over the weekend, then it was already not the actual birthday so hardly much for her to spoil. Do it all on your terms only. You have to put your best interests first. Don't worry about feeling bad, she gives a damn doing it to your or your child!!

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 16:55

Was a previous thread when you’d arranged a birthday celebration for your mum and instead she went to your brothers or something like that?

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 16:57

@Mally100

ok I definitely should have said that

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 16:57

What is she like as a grandmother generally? Involved, loving, the children love being with her?

averythinline · 30/06/2022 17:01

You could still do it now.... say you'll see her at the weekend ..weds doesn't suit ..
If you dont start not taking the crumbs...that's all you're going to get..

Stop having back n fro messages about stuff....... dont negotiate for crumbs....stand up for your child..

Herewegoagainffs · 30/06/2022 17:01

@Ohthatsexciting

yes, that’s the thing. The children absolutely adore her - she’s engaging and interested and wonderful with them. Which is why it’s so upsetting when she does this sort of thing which shows how they aren’t her priority.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 30/06/2022 17:05

People like your mother are tricky OP. You keep hoping they're going to change. They very rarely do.

I'm surprised you went back in contact after being no contact. You're still hoping for crumbs. Only you can decide where your boundaries and limits are but do be aware of the impact this will have on your son.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/06/2022 17:05

Justmuddlingalong · 30/06/2022 15:00

"Oh do fuck off mother."

Perfect response.

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