Page 8 | Husband left me with 8 week old baby and toddler to go to Glastonbury

eeemilyeee · 2022-06-30T09:49:47+00:00

AIBU to be angry at my husband for going to Glastonbury (Fri-Mon) when we have an 8 week old and a toddler? I made it clear before the baby was born that I didn't want him to leave us for four days. He's a great husband and father usually but I just can't get over the fact he went against my wishes and left me "holding the baby".

LemonsOnSaleAgain · 02/07/2022 09:48

I agree he has been selfish. Hope he doesn't keep behaving as if he can do what he likes at any time now without any consideration for you and his children.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 09:48

BusyMum47 · 02/07/2022 09:10

Depends when he bought the tickets & what sort of conversation you had about it beforehand.

My husband went to France for a 4 day rugby event when I had a 3mth old baby but he'd bought the non refundable tickets before I was even pregnant so although it was a bit shit for me (no family/friend support around at the time), of course he went - poor sod felt guilty & missed our son the entire time. Neither of us had a great 4 days, but in the big scheme of marriage/parenthood, it really wasn't a big deal. 🤷‍♀️

So it was shit and hard for you with one baby. Now imagine OP managing a tiny baby and a toddler.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 09:49

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 09:14

‘To all these superwomen, who probably insert a broom up their arse while simultaneously juggling twins on each hip and making home cooked meals for their toddler triplets, well done for being so much better than mere mortals. I hope you never struggle with sleep deprivation, or anxiety, or depression, or fear, or any number of things new mums might feel in the aftermath of birth - yes, even if it's not their first.’

… I think every woman who has given birth in a straightforward way have elements of all of these. I just don’t think people are very resilient these days and have levels of codependency on others which are actually counterproductive to their mental health. They expect having a baby to be easy and sunshine and rainbows and are inevitably shocked when it doesn’t. Of course every new parent struggles with sleep deprivation- don’t say you don’t wish it in anyone- it’s part and parcel of having a baby! As is being anxious, as is fear as is being a bit depressed due to hormones all over the place.

The only issue with all of this is if the OP doesn’t get 4 days in return- I think this is the real issue and it would not surprise me in the slightest if she doesn’t.

How is she going to get 4 days off with an ebf baby?

help from the kids dad is what she needs, not a hypothetical trip in the future.

Simplelobsterhat · 02/07/2022 09:54

As he knew you'd have a newborn when he was offered the ticket I dont think he should have said yes unless you were really sure you were happy for him to go. It's such a hard stage and 4 days is a long time away. If he'd had the tickets since before he knew there would be a newborn I guess you might not want to waste the ticket, but he made this decision knowingly.

Might have been different if it was your first, but having a new sibling is such an adjustment for the oldest that i think they should be getting as much attention as possible at that stage (especially when mum is breastfeeding as that really messes with the attention they can give eldest)- my Dh went camping when my youngest was about 8 weeks, but he took the eldest with him and it was a great treat for her! Of course sometimes parents have to cope for 4 days or much more with 2 on their own at that stage, but in this case it was not a necessity.

Of course parents should get some time for themselves, but I don't think 4 days for yourself is priority at that stage unless you are both completely happy. He's just assuming you are default parent.

GalactatingGoddess · 02/07/2022 09:58

That would annoy me and wouldn't be likely to happen the other way round, would it?

There are a lot of other factors to consider but personally me and DH had a no long weekends away rule until DD was at least 6months and tbh there have still been no long weekends away for either of us at 22m!

It's hard work caring for a child, let alone a toddler and a young baby. Barring the fact that tickets cost potentially hundreds? Or he had it planned for years?? I'd be annoyed too.

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 16:44

I’d say if you choose to EBF then you know you are signing up to being with the baby most of the time and knowing that you will be doing most of the donkey work. You can’t expect your husband not to go away or out because you can’t. There is formula instead if that’s going to be too much to handle (no judgment from me- I used this with all 3). I don’t understand people who breastfeed then moan about every single aspect of it- just don’t then, making a rod for your own back.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 16:47

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 16:44

I’d say if you choose to EBF then you know you are signing up to being with the baby most of the time and knowing that you will be doing most of the donkey work. You can’t expect your husband not to go away or out because you can’t. There is formula instead if that’s going to be too much to handle (no judgment from me- I used this with all 3). I don’t understand people who breastfeed then moan about every single aspect of it- just don’t then, making a rod for your own back.

Your poor wife.

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2022 17:07

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 16:44

I’d say if you choose to EBF then you know you are signing up to being with the baby most of the time and knowing that you will be doing most of the donkey work. You can’t expect your husband not to go away or out because you can’t. There is formula instead if that’s going to be too much to handle (no judgment from me- I used this with all 3). I don’t understand people who breastfeed then moan about every single aspect of it- just don’t then, making a rod for your own back.

Or you could have a spouse that recognizes that the job of the father, or non-breastfeeding mother in lesbian relationships, is to do absolutely everything possible to support the breastfeeding mother. Thankfully there are real men in this world who understand the importance of their role. I feel very sorry for the women who end up with the ones that don’t.

SummertimeTremdendous · 02/07/2022 18:11

The handmaidens have spoken. Be grateful for having a husband OP, and don't do anything to upset or disappoint him. You did, after all, survive, and your feelings about this don't matter. All that matters is that your husband had a good time.

Simplelobsterhat · 02/07/2022 19:56

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 16:44

I’d say if you choose to EBF then you know you are signing up to being with the baby most of the time and knowing that you will be doing most of the donkey work. You can’t expect your husband not to go away or out because you can’t. There is formula instead if that’s going to be too much to handle (no judgment from me- I used this with all 3). I don’t understand people who breastfeed then moan about every single aspect of it- just don’t then, making a rod for your own back.

You sign up to being the only one who can feed the baby, therefore yes not being able to leave them much initially. You certainly don't sign up to look after a toddler alone as well or do a greater share of any non feeding work!

Indeed, most dads who actually want to be a partner in child raising and have a bond with their children voluntarily do more of the 'donkey work' (at times when they don't need to go out to work - obviously it might not be possible every day) to balance out the fact mum is spending so much time feeding.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/07/2022 22:49

Or you could have a spouse that recognizes that the job of the father, or non-breastfeeding mother in lesbian relationships, is to do absolutely everything possible to support the breastfeeding mother. Thankfully there are real men in this world who understand the importance of their role. I feel very sorry for the women who end up with the ones that don’t.

The handmaidens have spoken. Be grateful for having a husband OP, and don't do anything to upset or disappoint him. You did, after all, survive, and your feelings about this don't matter. All that matters is that your husband had a good time.

Indeed, most dads who actually want to be a partner in child raising and have a bond with their children voluntarily do more of the 'donkey work' (at times when they don't need to go out to work - obviously it might not be possible every day) to balance out the fact mum is spending so much time feeding.

@Ponderingwindow
@SummertimeTremdendous
@Simplelobsterhat

Well said! If there was a standing ovation emoji I would post that.

May I add two more points. No. 1. Women who choose to breastfeed do so because they think it’s best for them and their baby, not because they want to do all the parenting by themselves. Breastfeeding is completely natural and shouldn’t be punished with ‘well now you have to do everything without support.’

Establishing breastfeeding is not as easy as just putting the baby on the breast and they and you automatically know what to do. It’s a learning curve for both baby and mummy and it takes time and effort. Having a supportive partner who looks after your needs makes a huge difference.

Which leads me to No. 2. Two people had a baby together because presumably they love each other and want to be parents together and raise a family together.

It is not loving or caring to leave your partner and children unsupported by you for four days of leisure activity when your partner has communicated that they need you to stay.

LittleBearPad · 03/07/2022 10:04

It is not loving or caring to leave your partner and children unsupported by you for four days of leisure activity when your partner has communicated that they need you to stay.

Well quite!

Those of you who think it’s ok because the OP coped/survived demand better from your partners

Eatingchips · 03/07/2022 10:25

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 16:44

I’d say if you choose to EBF then you know you are signing up to being with the baby most of the time and knowing that you will be doing most of the donkey work. You can’t expect your husband not to go away or out because you can’t. There is formula instead if that’s going to be too much to handle (no judgment from me- I used this with all 3). I don’t understand people who breastfeed then moan about every single aspect of it- just don’t then, making a rod for your own back.

Not what happened with my DH, when I was EBF he was still very involved. Feeding babies is only one aspect of the job of caring for them but then we have had a very equal relationship in terms of financial input and parenting over the years.

Simplelobsterhat · 03/07/2022 10:42

It's not even 'just' about supporting the partner either is it - I keep thinking about the toddler.

I really think after only 2 months of having a sibling, any time that they can have good attention from a parent should be utilised, so if the dh is able to have 4 days away from work and baby care surely at least part of that time should be devoted to his other child? Even if we accepted that breastfeeding means being default baby carer (which I don't fully), it certainly doesn't mean you are default toddler care outside of any times your partner is in work! The amount of time I had to tell my 5 year old to wait to play a game / have help with something etc because I was feeding or changing or soothing the baby and daddy was out at work / cooking dinner etc was bad enough. I can't imagine there being 4 days the reason dad is not available either, at that particularly vulnerable stage, is that he's off having fun on his own! A few hours to himself yes, a weekend when the kids are older and can play together more / feeding is quicker and easier yes, but at 8 weeks in, I can't imagine my dh feeling OK to do that!

Mumsnet always amazes me in the number of people who have no sympathy for mums who find parenting hard at times. So many posters either found it easy so have no empathy for those who don't, or found it hard but struggled on with no help and therefore think everyone else should have to as well.

I really feel for and admire those who coped on their own out of necessity because they were single / their partner had to work away a lot etc, and I get that people moaning about their partners might grate a bit, but why do you think those who do have partners available should automatically put up with doing it alone at the most difficult time when it's not necessary?

georgarina · 03/07/2022 10:52

Those of you who think it’s ok because the OP coped/survived demand better from your partners

Seriously. It's a pretty fucking low bar for you to physically survive. So you could only complain if your partner literally left you for dead?