Page 5 | Husband left me with 8 week old baby and toddler to go to Glastonbury

eeemilyeee · 2022-06-30T09:49:47+00:00

AIBU to be angry at my husband for going to Glastonbury (Fri-Mon) when we have an 8 week old and a toddler? I made it clear before the baby was born that I didn't want him to leave us for four days. He's a great husband and father usually but I just can't get over the fact he went against my wishes and left me "holding the baby".

Goldbar · 30/06/2022 17:12

MissMaple82 · 30/06/2022 16:49

For God sake, why do women get so mad at men leaving them alone with children for a few days! Just get on with it, let him have a few days fun, and I'm sure he will return the favour when you want a few days away. It's not the end of the world, you're their mum, I'm sure you can cope

Because men are parents too?

You don't unilaterally get to decide that you want a break from your parenting responsibilities. You have to arrange childcare which in this case means agree it with the other parent.

Goldbar · 30/06/2022 17:13

LarryTrotter · 30/06/2022 15:40

Why "with the baby"? Surely a father can look after his own baby for a few days?

Show quote history

I was assuming breastfed but otherwise would agree.

Goldbar · 30/06/2022 17:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/06/2022 15:56

She can plan her own long weekend now

And we can run a pool for the reasons she can't go. I have 5 quid on 'DH can't get the time off work'.

But according to some pp, it's fine just to decide you don't want to parent for a bit. So she doesn't need her H to agree, she can just walk out and leave him to balance work and childcare. His agreement to solo parent is not necessary, she can just dump him in it and that's OK. After all, it's not hard to cope with 2 small children, anyone can manage...

Cyclebabble · 30/06/2022 17:22

I think it depends on the wider relationship. If the deal is in a few months you could have a long weekend out with friends and he would be looking after the kids then personally I would have asked him to take some nice pictures of what was a great Glastonbury to share with me. However, if in reality this means he gets to go out and you do not then you need a serious chat. My advice is to agree breaks for you both. You will both benefit from it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/06/2022 17:25

So long as you can go next year (or wherever else you fancy for four days) whilst he looks after the kids I think it’s ok.

Meraas · 30/06/2022 17:27

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/06/2022 17:25

So long as you can go next year (or wherever else you fancy for four days) whilst he looks after the kids I think it’s ok.

But OP needs help now, when she has a tiny baby and a toddler on her hands.

jossysgiant · 30/06/2022 17:29

Did he come back with covid?

GoodThinkingMax · 30/06/2022 21:37

You don't unilaterally get to decide that you want a break from your parenting responsibilities. You have to arrange childcare which in this case means agree it with the other parent.

this

FunDragon · 30/06/2022 22:17

My husband went away for two nights when we had an 8 week old and a two year old for a non-negotiable work commitment that had been in the diary for months (so it was with my full agreement obviously).

It was half the length of time OP’s husband left for, and I had plenty of notice so I was able to plan activities with friends etc. I still found it a really difficult and stressful couple of days. My toddler was completely wild at the time (missing his dad and feeling left out because of the new baby), the baby was feeding constantly, I was still quite weak from giving birth - it was not fun.

If my DH had upped and left for four days at that stage for no other reason than his own fun despite me asking him not to, I’d be incredibly upset.

neverbeenskiing · 01/07/2022 07:27

All those saying it's fine because OP can go away for 4 days at some point, surely you realise this is just not how it works in many relationships! Thread after thread after thread on here about men who are really good at making time for lads holidays, stag do's, festivals, hobbies that require them to be out of the house for 4-5 hours at a time, putting themselves forward for every non-compulsory work event etc but when their DP, the default parent, wants some 'me' time it's just not possible. They can't possibly get time off work they're far too busy, they've already got tickets for a football match, they're feeling a bit ill actually, or they have to train for a sodding marathon.

I would be willing to put money on OP never getting her 4 days away, or if she does not until the kids are much older and less of a handful which means its not comparable.

StopStartStop · 01/07/2022 08:03

Leave any man who doesn't give a fuck about you.
That's how you have the last laugh.

These 'oh, he went to Glasto, suck it up' types haven't understood (or wilfully pretend not to understand) what's going on here. He's a father, he has joint responsibility. What if you'd both gone, with a similar attitude? There would have been a tragedy and you'd have been in the papers, and probably, later, in prison. Just because mum exists and won't dump the kids doesn't mean dad is free to do what the fuck he likes.

Also, reconsider being in a relationship with anyone who goes to Glastonbury. It shows a distinct lack of discernment.

QueSyrahSyrah · 01/07/2022 08:11

YANU to be annoyed / upset by it initially. YABU to still be raging over it a week later, when you all clearly survived.

The only people that will suffer from your simmering grudge is you and quite possibly the DC that will pick up on your emotions.

Let it go, move on, and start planning a nice relaxing weekend away for yourself when the baby is a bit older.

Original poster

eeemilyeee · 01/07/2022 15:53

Thanks for all the replies! Sorry for the delay, this is my first post and I didn’t realise how quickly I’d get so many responses.

This isn’t a repost but I suppose it’s good to know there’s another mum going through the same as me!

We survived the weekend and we don’t have covid ;)

To give you some context my 8 week old had a tongue tie and I’m desperately trying to catch up building my supply so I’m almost ebf but pumping and stashing isn’t an option yet. I suppose this lends to why I feel I can’t leave my little family for now and maybe it explains why I was so shocked my husband would do so. Especially after I made it clear to him I wouldn’t be comfortable with him leaving for a long weekend for an optional event (a festival he’s done 4 times before).

He was offered a ticket at the end of my pregnancy so it wasn’t something we had planned together pre-baby. From your comments I’ve realised I should have been explicit that I didn’t want him to go but also I still feel like, as we have an equal partnership, I would never stop him from doing something but I just had hoped he would be more understanding at this time.

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 01/07/2022 15:59

Your post is a bit confusing - you said you made it clear to him that you weren't comfortable with him going, and then you said you weren't explicit that you didn't want him to go - did you tell him you weren't OK with him going or not?

IGotItInTheSales · 01/07/2022 16:00

its over with now....move on. be more explicit in the future

Original poster

eeemilyeee · 01/07/2022 16:57

Yes I told him I wouldn't like it if he went but I didn't say "you can't go"

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 01/07/2022 17:16

eeemilyeee · 01/07/2022 16:57

Yes I told him I wouldn't like it if he went but I didn't say "you can't go"

Then he's a dick, I'm sorry

Momicrone · 01/07/2022 17:18

I agree

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/07/2022 17:20

Surely to goodness if the other parent doesn’t agree to solo childcare for the weekend, he can’t go? Why would he think he could still go despite your saying no?

Yes a relationship could be in trouble if, once crunch point stages like the very newborn stage are over, one partner wasn’t fair to the other and didn’t let them have a fair share of weekends away. But when you have and eight week old and a small age gap to a toddler then it’s all hands on deck!

SnowWhitesSM · 01/07/2022 17:29

This thread has blown my mind tbh. Coming from a SP POV and someone who works with young people that sometimes have one or more babies I can't believe thr angst over having them on your own for a few days. Completely different lives on MN some days!

TidyDancer · 01/07/2022 17:29

Personally this wouldn't bother me at all, just bank the days and take a break yourself when you feel able to in the future. Sorry if you had a rough weekend though.

EvergreenForest · 01/07/2022 22:39

SnowWhitesSM · 01/07/2022 17:29

This thread has blown my mind tbh. Coming from a SP POV and someone who works with young people that sometimes have one or more babies I can't believe thr angst over having them on your own for a few days. Completely different lives on MN some days!

So many shitty comments on this thread

OP is a new mum of two, having issues with a tongue tied baby, probably got an insecure toddler adjusting to the change and said she really would prefer he didn't go. It wasn't work, it wasn't compulsory, he'd been 4 times before...he went anyway.

And for those that use the 'how do you think single parents cope?' to beat the OP with, whilst I genuinely am in awe of how you do it, the OP isn't a SP, she has a partner so shouldn't have to 'cope' on her own.

Glitterlucy · 01/07/2022 23:02

you can be annoyed, but it’s happened now so he owes you a long weekend away to compensate! It’s Glastonbury, it’s so hard to get tickets and he would have had them since 2019. I went this year and I wouldn’t have given my ticket up for anything

user1471459761 · 01/07/2022 23:09

Um, who is being selfish? So long as you generally share things, I really don't see the problem. You are rather controlling to try to prevent him going. On the other hand if you feel so strongly about it, it would have been nice if he considered your feelings. Why can you not survive on your own for a few days? Just make sure you get your turn to do something you would like to do 🤷‍♀️

wellhelloitsme · 01/07/2022 23:22

user1471459761 · 01/07/2022 23:09

Um, who is being selfish? So long as you generally share things, I really don't see the problem. You are rather controlling to try to prevent him going. On the other hand if you feel so strongly about it, it would have been nice if he considered your feelings. Why can you not survive on your own for a few days? Just make sure you get your turn to do something you would like to do 🤷‍♀️

Of course she can 'cope', because she had to, but she explains why she found it difficult here:

To give you some context my 8 week old had a tongue tie and I’m desperately trying to catch up building my supply so I’m almost ebf but pumping and stashing isn’t an option yet. I suppose this lends to why I feel I can’t leave my little family for now and maybe it explains why I was so shocked my husband would do so. Especially after I made it clear to him I wouldn’t be comfortable with him leaving for a long weekend for an optional event (a festival he’s done 4 times before).

I just can't imagine going if my partner said they felt overwhelmed and had given birth two months ago.

Horses for courses I guess but it's flippant to ask 'why can't you cope for a few days?' when the point isn't whether she can 'cope', it's whether it was fair to put her in a position where she had no choice but to do so alone.