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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left me with 8 week old baby and toddler to go to Glastonbury

190 replies

eeemilyeee · 30/06/2022 10:49

AIBU to be angry at my husband for going to Glastonbury (Fri-Mon) when we have an 8 week old and a toddler? I made it clear before the baby was born that I didn't want him to leave us for four days. He's a great husband and father usually but I just can't get over the fact he went against my wishes and left me "holding the baby".

OP posts:
SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 02/07/2022 08:23

How can he be offered tickets last minute? You either buy them when they are originally on sale or during the resale, there's no "last minute tickets" for glasto unless he's bought someone else's ticket and hoped they didn't stop him getting in, or he's famous?

MolliciousIntent · 02/07/2022 08:27

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 02/07/2022 08:23

How can he be offered tickets last minute? You either buy them when they are originally on sale or during the resale, there's no "last minute tickets" for glasto unless he's bought someone else's ticket and hoped they didn't stop him getting in, or he's famous?

...or someone dropped out and he took their place? Pretty common.

LittleBearPad · 02/07/2022 08:32

He’s selfish OP and I don’t think you were being unreasonable to be upset

WindmillsOfMyMind44 · 02/07/2022 08:33

MissMaple82 · 30/06/2022 16:49

For God sake, why do women get so mad at men leaving them alone with children for a few days! Just get on with it, let him have a few days fun, and I'm sure he will return the favour when you want a few days away. It's not the end of the world, you're their mum, I'm sure you can cope

Why are there so many horrible, insensitive comments on here?

8 weeks after giving birth isn't long at all. Your hormones are still all over the place and you might still be recovering depending on the birth. Op could have pnd. Plus, throwing a toddler into the mix.

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 08:36

Jesus, unless there’s a massive backstory of him being an uncaring, cold sod, you have 3 other kids in tow or your baby is poorly generally then please get a grip OP. He owes you now, make the most. As someone with 3 children with autism (2 of them very young) and on my own I think you are being very precious.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 08:38

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 08:36

Jesus, unless there’s a massive backstory of him being an uncaring, cold sod, you have 3 other kids in tow or your baby is poorly generally then please get a grip OP. He owes you now, make the most. As someone with 3 children with autism (2 of them very young) and on my own I think you are being very precious.

It’s not a race to the bottom. An 8 week old baby is tint. Coupled with a toddler, it’s clear OP needed help.

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 08:39

Ok I’ve just read- the toddler changes things a little. I still think it was ok for him to go- just ensure that you get a break too. Any parent (including dads) should be able to manage their children on their own for a few days.

BlueMongoose · 02/07/2022 08:43

So long as he is happy for you to take four days 'off' at some point I'd say it was fine.....

LampLighter414 · 02/07/2022 08:45

Did he have a good time OP? It looked fantastic on the tv

HRTQueen · 02/07/2022 08:54

Yea of course it’s selfish

life changes when you become a parent it’s not so carefree

so many men carry on as if nothing changes. A mature responsible partner would realise this wasn’t fair yes they would be disappointed but so what

Whatafustercluck · 02/07/2022 08:56

The thing us, if you asked your dh not to do something, for any reason, and they did it anyway, leaving some kind of impact on you, then it tells you loads about their priorities and attitude towards you doesn't it?

I was really struggling emotionally after the birth of our firstborn and asked dh to extend his paternity leave by taking some more leave. He did it because he knew I was struggling and needed just a little more time to adapt. Likewise, I know that if he'd been offered last minute tickets for something after the birth of our second, having a toddler in tow too, he wouldn't have even contemplated going unless I'd insisted on it.

To all these superwomen, who probably insert a broom up their arse while simultaneously juggling twins on each hip and making home cooked meals for their toddler triplets, well done for being so much better than mere mortals. I hope you never struggle with sleep deprivation, or anxiety, or depression, or fear, or any number of things new mums might feel in the aftermath of birth - yes, even if it's not their first.

Bellsbeachwaves · 02/07/2022 09:00

Mine did this, it was part of a bigger picture of him being less than involved. I divorced him and now he does more childcare than he's ever done and I'm much happier.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 02/07/2022 09:02

When do you get your 4 days off op? I'd guess never...

Quartz2208 · 02/07/2022 09:07

The thing us, if you asked your dh not to do something, for any reason, and they did it anyway, leaving some kind of impact on you, then it tells you loads about their priorities and attitude towards you doesn't it?

This is key I think to why you are feeling the way you do about it. No adult should tell another adult that they shouldnt do something. But they shouldnt need to. Weighing up the fact that there is a toddler an 8 week old baby and a wife of his who is struggling then he should have recognised his needs and wants to go to Glastonbury were less

Actually he should have realised when he was offered the ticket that he should have gone - sorry I will have a fairly newborn baby then I will have to pass

This whole he has gone now he owes you makes a relationship so transactional rather than actually realising this time the needs of his family were more than his need to go. Of course you can cope - but the fact is should you have to cope

BusyMum47 · 02/07/2022 09:10

Depends when he bought the tickets & what sort of conversation you had about it beforehand.

My husband went to France for a 4 day rugby event when I had a 3mth old baby but he'd bought the non refundable tickets before I was even pregnant so although it was a bit shit for me (no family/friend support around at the time), of course he went - poor sod felt guilty & missed our son the entire time. Neither of us had a great 4 days, but in the big scheme of marriage/parenthood, it really wasn't a big deal. 🤷‍♀️

Popcorn77 · 02/07/2022 09:13

Badger1970 · 30/06/2022 10:55

Thing is, it's ok saying let him go and enjoy himself - but would the OP have left an 8 week old and a toddler with him and done the same?

Like hell she would, because she's the responsible parent.

I would have happily left my partner with a baby and toddler and assumed he would be fine! I would not expect a partner to miss out on an expensive and exciting few days away - i assume he goes to work normally and she copes? Its perfectly possible and normal to cope with your kids alone. She can book her break in a few monthw.

Dajeeling · 02/07/2022 09:14

‘To all these superwomen, who probably insert a broom up their arse while simultaneously juggling twins on each hip and making home cooked meals for their toddler triplets, well done for being so much better than mere mortals. I hope you never struggle with sleep deprivation, or anxiety, or depression, or fear, or any number of things new mums might feel in the aftermath of birth - yes, even if it's not their first.’

… I think every woman who has given birth in a straightforward way have elements of all of these. I just don’t think people are very resilient these days and have levels of codependency on others which are actually counterproductive to their mental health. They expect having a baby to be easy and sunshine and rainbows and are inevitably shocked when it doesn’t. Of course every new parent struggles with sleep deprivation- don’t say you don’t wish it in anyone- it’s part and parcel of having a baby! As is being anxious, as is fear as is being a bit depressed due to hormones all over the place.

The only issue with all of this is if the OP doesn’t get 4 days in return- I think this is the real issue and it would not surprise me in the slightest if she doesn’t.

Americano75 · 02/07/2022 09:18

OP, don't know if it's something you've looked into but you should see about getting the wee one's tongue tie dealt with, it'll affect bf.

Easilystartled · 02/07/2022 09:27

Pretty sure it’s possible to cope for a few days on your own. I guess, in your position, I’d be a bit pissed off that he’s off enjoying himself while I’m looking after two demanding kids, but parenting doesn’t have to be exactly equal all the time. He can do his bit later on and you can have a weekend with your mates. Give and take.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/07/2022 09:31

@Glitterlucy @jimmyjammy001 @milkysmum
OP has said "He was offered a ticket at the end of my pregnancy so it wasn’t something we had planned together pre-baby" and that she'd told him she wouldn't be happy if he went. He chose to put his fun, care-free, child-free weekend over her.

Totally agree with PPs saying that way too many men don't adapt their lives when children come along, and still behave like singletons. It's not on. The wellbeing of the family unit has to come first for a while. Plus I bet there are very few women who would go away for a few days, leaving their partners to deal with very young children, especially if they were asked not to. It seems a very male trait.

Peanutgurgle · 02/07/2022 09:42

He was selfish. End of. Whether other women could or would’ve dealt with it is irrelevant. You didn’t feel like you could, you told him explicitly and he chose to ignore. For what it’s worth I looked after my children solo when they were babies a lot. But I often felt overwhelmed and really would’ve appreciated a more present partner. It would’ve benefited both myself and our children. Infancy is a really short and intense time frame and I can’t understand why some Men can’t fathom that.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/07/2022 09:43

LateAF · 30/06/2022 10:54

Only 4 days to you. But OP obvious didn’t feel that way. A long weekend alone with a new baby and toddler is very daunting to many. In my view, it’s selfish for the partner to go away for something so non-essential.

Show quote history

Agree - and to go somewhere like this - 000s of people mixing together when Covid numbers are increasing, then returning home to a tiny vulnerable baby and a wife whose immune system may also be compromised because of the stress of childbirth - that's incredibly selfish.

mortalprojections · 02/07/2022 09:43

How was he offered a ticket last minute? You don't just get 'offered' a Glastonbury ticket. You have to be registered with photo id to even attempt to apply, you have to queue online on general release day in October and it's a massive luck of the drawer if you even get through to the landing page. The re sale in March works exactly the same. If you can't go, you can't just offer your ticket to someone else, they are named and completely non transferable. He has to have been registered and trying for a ticket to have got one. The majority of tickets this year were rolled over from 2020 when it was cancelled due to covid as well, so booked in 2019.

I wouldn't have a problem with my husband going. Especially considering 2020 and 2021 was cancelled because of covid. I'd rather be was having a good time living his life instead of stuck at home, I probably would have got my mum in to help if needed or SIL. I probably would have taken both babies and gone myself if I also had a ticket.

HRTQueen · 02/07/2022 09:44

I think it’s irrelevant if the op could manage alone or not

it’s how he thinks he should be able to carry on as if he didn’t have the responsibility of two young children and a partner who has recently given birth

what decent partner would be so selfish standards for men are so low at times

EvergreenForest · 02/07/2022 09:47

@CandidaAlbicans2 Absolutely spot on

And I can't count how many times I've read 'you'll cope' or 'you'll survive'. She doesn't have to cope or survive-she has a DH who could have politely declined the offer of tickets and realised that the first 3-4 months of adjusting to two kids is very hard (having just been through this myself)

My DS2 (5 months) also had problems feeding and my toddler suddenly got very jealous and clingy. My DH used to have to peel him off me just so I could shower. It took time for everyone to adjust to the new norm.

Left on my own for 4 days, I absolutely would have 'survived' and 'coped' but I would have been mentally and emotionally broken and I would have really had to examine my relationship if my DH had left me when I'd asked him not to. I'm astounded at some of the responses on here.

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