Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

This bit really stood out for me -

(I don't want to give the exact amount as I'm sending this to the bride)

Why doesn't the bride know how much the exact amount is? This would imply to me that the hens are expected to pay the cost of the bride's holiday too, which seems even more unreasonable to me.

Surely it's either for that reason, or you don't want to say the amount (which means you know it is an unreasonable ask).

How much is it?

Just a point - some people seem to assume bridesmaids live locally. My DDs didn't - some over 200 miles away with ferries etc. So her BMs basically chose a place roughly equidistant and relatively easy to get to for everyone including non BMs who wouldn't be able to come to the wedding. And yes, hired a cottage for the weekend, cooked or precooked most meals themselves, went for walks/swimming/played games and a celebratory dinner in a local pub. It meant those arriving late on Friday/leaving mid Sunday for work didn't have to have time off and any DH or GP had two nights with DC and a DW or DP who could get back in emergencies.

Yes, this, exactly.
And it’s such entitled, demanding behaviour to assume that your (expensive, abroad) hen do is more important than whatever else is going on in people’s lives.

Factor in costs of an abroad hen, and then the various wedding costs, and you’re expecting individuals to front almost a grand (in my part of the country anyway, generally always involves a night in accommodation, dress, makeup and hair done in salon etc) before they’ve even given you a wedding card. Can you seriously not see how this is an unreasonable expectation on people’s finances OP?

Things are also rapidly going up in price, even since jubilee! I'm quickly finding things are feeling more expensive and having to budget more.

Also, not to be a fun sponge or anything but isn't the statistic something like 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce? Obviously the bride and groom can spend however much they like on their wedding, but being asked to shell out to celebrate something that has a 1 in 3 chance of ending badly, seems very unreasonable to me. I also always think this when buying wedding presents, I accept I am a cynical and grumpy woman though

Cynical and grumpy but not bitter btw, very happily married myself after 30 years (I didn't have a hen do as I hate them and this was even before everyone fucked off abroad for them )

Ugh on mumsnet everything to do with weddings has so understated and low key

it’s weird And not at all resembling real life

there’s like some weird competitive race to the bottom around weddings like oh I just get married in a shed, I didn’t want to put guests out blah blah

To me a wedding is a day out local to either the bride or groom. A hen do is a night out local to the bride.

If you choose to start making either, even worse both, span days or are not local to the guest you need to graciously accept when people cannot accept your invitation(s).

Not everyone want to spent/save their hard earned annual leave and/or money on multiple expensive days for someone elses wedding. I certainly wouldn't save for a year just for a hen do!

The bride and groom are supposed to be the hosts for their friends and guests and expecting so much from guests is ridiculous.

People are worried about their jobs and bills. Things are going to get far worse before they get better.

An expensive boozy trip abroad would be at the bottom of my priority list I'm afraid and I'd rather save for a trip I wanted. The bride needs a reality check.

You had a poem for money didn't you?

Have a trip abroad for those who want to go & can afford it. Then a week or so before the wedding go for a nice dinner locally . The few times I've been a bridesmaid the only expectation has been to make sure then dress fits & to turn up on the day, hold the flowers & smile for the photos. Now it seems you are expected to dedicate a year of your life to the bride & her special day.

I do agree with this broadly but I do think organising an overseas Hen do people have to pay to go to is different from spending your own money on a big wedding. It's a big expectation.

Ugh on mumsnet everything to do with weddings has so understated and low key

it’s weird And not at all resembling real life

there’s like some weird competitive race to the bottom around weddings like oh I just get married in a shed, I didn’t want to put guests out blah blah

I think in the current climate, after Covid financial issues and cost of living, people have just had enough of being expected to pay out for others’ extravagances. If you want a fancy wedding fine, but it’s not fair to expect others to pay for your life choices.

@gamerchick

no, no poem. Just stated that money towards the honey moon would be appreciated if anyone would like to give a gift

@gamerchick

also I really don’t see what’s wrong with a poem requesting money over gifts

most people do give a gift at a wedding, it’s the done thing

so surely it’s better all round if it’s something that the bride and groom will make use of. Guests buying an unwanted gift is just a waste of money

I don’t get why it’s so looked down on on mumsnet

i do feel bad for the bride but the reality is they probably got carried away on the Jubilee celebrations and then in the cold light of day had second thoughts.

Weddings, whilst lovely, can be expensive as a guest. Travel, accommodation, some food, childcare arrangements, gifts and often needing a day of annual leave. The bridesmaids probably are already putting in more than the bride has realised.

I love my friends but a hen night abroad would be a no from me (although if everyone else was saying yes I might feel awkward about up front saying no)
Holidays with friends are fun but you know everyone and have a say in the when and where. Hen nights often involve someone you don’t know well and wouldn’t choose to be away with and let’s face it annual leave is precious.

I had to turn down attending a very close friends wedding even though she gave me 2 years notice as it was going to cost around 2k. I couldn’t afford it and any money I had saved was needed.

Because it's cheeky and grabby to ask.

Like de ja vu man

@gamerchick

so its better to just let people waste their money then?

right…

nah

@LuckySantangelo35

are you the OP’s friend? You don’t seem to understand that not everyone would enjoy an expensive break overseas with loads of booze.

Frankly I’d rather spend my money on stuff I actually want to do, with family that I want to go away with than a few days away with people I don’t know that well, spending money on activities I find cringeworthy

@SandieCollins

nope not the OP’s friend

just someone who finds mumsnet attitudes towards wedding really miserable and joyless

people on mumsnet just want them over and done with as quick as possible. Anything a bit extra is to be looked at with scorn and derision

it’s sad and a bit weird to me

glad none of you are my pals!

Where has @LuckySantangelo35 said everyone should enjoy an expensive break or hen dos?

FWIW I also hate hen dos, which is why I decline politely when I'm invited. I don't accept and then decline months later.

I think you’re mistaking the fact that not everyone enjoys the same things as you as being miserable and joyless.

They’ve said repeatedly that anyone who doesn’t want to go on a a really boozy do is miserable and joyless, they’ve also said that if you don’t want to go abroad on a hen do it’s because you hate travel and don’t want to leave the UK.
Other suggestions made by people have been slated without any recognition that maybe some people enjoy these things.

As far as giving back word is concerned, I’m not in this party so can’t speak for them but have been involved in a few hen dos which started out fairly straightforward and ended up with themed outfits, activities every part of the day, meals out, nights out, cocktails. I never backed out (even though I wanted to) but I can see why people do if this happens.

@LuckySantangelo35 and you seem to struggle with the idea that people cannot (and some don’t want to) afford spending loads of money on your extravagance. Why should someone spend all that money just because you’re getting married? Glad you aren’t my friend either, as true friends understand that people are different, them at they c any affords things and don’t want to do them. And don’t accuse anyone who isn’t interested of going abroad or going to a piss up of being miserable and boring. Just because someone is different to you, doesn’t make them miserable and boring. I reckon lots of people would find your idea of a holiday mind numbingly boring because, thanks god, people are different. You seem to be struggling with this concept.

"It is abroad but not until next year giving us a year to pay it off"

Seriously? You feel entitled to demand they pay a sizeable amount of THEIR money to suit your wishes, and to use their precious annual leave to suit your wishes too? YABVU.

Bridezilla alert! A hen do
abroad would be my idea of pure hell. You are being very selfish making it compulsory