Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

If they voted for it then they agreed to it the only explanation is that they can’t really be arsed. Yes it’s a hassle, it’s expensive but it’s what you do. They just don’t really want to and are prioritising it. I’d arrange to meet them individually then have a cards on the table chat. If they aren’t up for being part of the wedding then that’s their choice.

If your wedding plans cause you to lose friends, you need to look at your behaviour. These are the people who are supposed to be your wing women. A hen is supposed to be your closest females celebrating your wedding.

If they are truly friends then you'd understand and trust them when they tell you it's not manageable for them and plan something that everyone can do because the thought of leaving out a true friend should be unthinkable to you.

If they aren't true friends then yeah, they might not be invested enough to commit to the cost of it all but equally, if they aren't true friends to the point you'd fire them as bridesmaids why give two fucks if they do drop out. You clearly only included them for numbers, rather than friendships.

I’d cancel it after having read the update, have something closer to home.

What's wrong with going out for a local curry / pizza for a hen night?

This entitlement of overseas hen nights is completely OTT and tacky and unnecessary.

@beenaroundtheblox

your suggestions really lack a sense of the occasions.

It’s a hen do!

Supposed to be about having fun and letting your hair down!

A cake and coffee morning! Really 😂
she’s not dead yet

I'm sorry, I'm sure this feels disappointing, OP.

I think it's not uncommon for people to start off enthusiastic about an idea but then reality comes crashing in later and they realize they can't participate.

I think you have to let go of the emotional baggage around who promised to do what and who has let the bride down, etc., and look at practical solutions. With the cost of living rising, it's not surprising that some people don't want to commit to this.

Choose either a smaller trip abroad with just those who are willing, or switch to a fun night out locally that won't require as much time or money from the participants. You can have a brilliant time at it and put this disappointment behind you.

Agree with both. I suspect bridesmaids would secretly be happy to be ’demoted’.

Utterly daft, precious and extortionate.

As to 'demoting' the bridesmaids... the bride is clearly not a true friend.

Perhaps the bride and @Triselly might want to venture back down into the real world for a few minutes and read the room and smell the coffee.

I personally wouldn't go to a hen do abroad, i wouldn't want to pay to go abroad just for someone else's sake. even a blood relative. It also screams OTT to me, like just have a nice night no need to make your wedding a big deal to everyone else.

Yes, meet for tea and cake (no alcohol!) to have a proper discussion about the best way to do what the bride wants. Alcohol makes people forget what is realistic!

For my hen night, I took my mother, sister and best friend for a pub supper. Unless you are going to pay for them all (it's your wedding etc), they can spend their money in any way they wish.

@CJsGoldfish

since when did having fun become a waste of money

Who said it would be fun bust because it’s abroad.. Wouldn’t it be more fun to do something that all your bridesmaids actually can afford. They obviously don’t think it’s worth it.

TBF I would have been disappointed if my bridesmaids couldn't make my hen do. But I also wouldn't have a hen do that priced out my bridesmaids or happened at a time they couldn't all come or was something they very much couldn't do.

Also in OPs defence, they didn't HAVE to say yes to being a bridesmaid. They didn't HAVE to vote 'abroad' on the poll. They didn't HAVE to try and convince the only one who say not abroad into agreeing. They didn't HAVE to let it get to this point (paying deposits) to suddenly have a problem with the plans.

Also, my three bridesmaids WANTED to be part of the hen do and the build up to the wedding. I'd find it more weird if they didn't tbh.

@Invisibella

well it probs would be more fun cos you get sunshine, different things to go, lots of switch off more when abroad and are better able to let hair down etc

if they can’t afford it, fine. But let’s not pretend it would be a waste of money - they’d probably have a right laugh!

and I don’t think plans should be changed to something as sedate as a bloody cake and coffee morning as someone suggested just cos one of the bridesmaids doesn’t drink!

Exactly!

why is everyone trying to put all the onus on the bride!!?

the bridesmaids are grown women. If anyone has fucked up, it’s them

To be honest right now with lots of people having money issues (have had a few friends and relatives mention this recently) then I'm not surprised they'd back down (but say they could go at the time) simply because utilities, food etc has shot up recently. I know of a few people going away on short trips now (without DH and DC etc) but this has been booked and planned months/last year in advance.

I'd do a weekend 1 day hen do, covering all day and night - SIL had this arranged in Brighton (but arrange closer to where you live or half way if this suits you). You could opt for people to stay in a hotel for 1 night.

Unless it was meticulously planned and researched (e.g. long weekend in Amsterdam/Lille etc) with cheap flights/trains hotel/air b n b then I wouldn't go or would definitely think twice. And I have no DC.

There are also some younger people I know who are cutting down/back on alcohol either after covid or a lifestyle choice.

It's all very well if you have no DC/childcare commitments/extra spare money but if you do, purse-strings and calling in favours for childcare may be cut down over next few months/into next year in my opinion.

"The dresses, table place, food, and nights stay before the wedding is all being covered by her."

As she should be. She's not being generous or magnanimous by paying for stuff she should be paying for anyway.

Re-arrange for something and somewhere that all members of the bridal party can afford and are enthusiastic about. A much better time will be had by all if people are comfortable with the commitment they need to make in terms of their finances, holiday entitlement, family time etc.

I think it is just the case that it seemed like a good idea at the time, and they could afford it. But when they were tweaking the finer details, found it wasn't really practical.
I think it would be unfair to "demote" them, although they may actually be secretly delighted.
I'm assuming the bride would find it more important to do something with her friends rather than go abroad without half of her bridesmaids.
I'd say you need to regroup and come up with something cheaper and within your own country.

So alternatives could look like a spa day/weekend or city break somewhere in the uk. Hire a chalet/house for a weekend and have an activity weekend such as cycling, go surfing (organise lessons), paddle boarding etc

That way the non drinkers can join in & also gives the others a chance to let their hair down...

Depends on what the hen do is, if abroad yabu. Not everyone want to use their money and annual leave to go abroad for a hen do. Why not just have a good night out locally

The bride/bridal party need to chill out. This wedding is not a big deal for anyone but the bride.

If the hen do is abroad I would not expect everyone to be able to attend. When I was in my 20's I went on quite a few hen do's abroad and they were really fun but I'm now married and have very young family so couldn't do much more than a lunch or a dinner out at the moment.

I couldnt leave my husband to manage for a couple of days, working part time I don't have much annual leave, less money and have holiday's planned with my husband and kids. A hen do would not be at the top of my list. Priorities have changed.

Would suggest demoting or falling out with people over this is so petty and high-school like behaviour. It is absolutely not worth loosing friends over. You will look back in 5 years time and think how ridiculous you're being over a hen do, which in the scheme of life is not a big deal. When you find yourselves in the same position as the bridesmaids who might have children or whatever and can't come you'll understand.

The bride/bridal party need to chill out. This wedding is not a big deal for anyone but the bride

This mentality is baffling to me. My friends weddings certainly were and are a big deal to me because I care about them.

People these days have massive senses of entitlement. So your poor BM friends have to put on a meringue, stand up all day, pay to travel to their wedding and buy presents AND cough up for a hen do abroad.

Yes YABVVU

@LuckySantangelo35 a hen abroad is my idea of hell!! Luckily none of my friends have had one.

@gemmalouise36 I get the changing of minds is very annoying but hens abroad are a big ask and in my view selfish l. I think even a night away within country is much more acceptable. Most hens I’ve been on have been activity, dinner, pub/club and overnight stay within country. Can you change to something like this or too late?

As an aside, What your friend is paying for for bridesmaids is the bare minimum expected. I also paid (and had paid for me when bridesmaid) for hair and makeup and nails along with jewellery and shoes. I’ve never heard a bride say they’re paying for the bridesmaids ‘table place’. Surely giving your bridesmaids food at your wedding is a given!!