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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid drama's

306 replies

gemmalouise36 · 30/06/2022 09:26

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 30/06/2022 13:54

thelittlestrhino · 30/06/2022 13:13

Only foreign 'hen do' holidays aren't everyone's idea of fun... You seem to have a very fixed (or limited) idea of what constitutes fun.

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@thelittlestrhino

Aye and it’s not coffee and cake!

that is sooooooo boring for hen do. And just snacks of lack of effort

Aguanatural · 30/06/2022 13:55

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/06/2022 13:52

@Aguanatural

”dragging yourself abroad”

lol!

some people really do hate travel on here and don’t like to leave the uk

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@LuckySantangelo35

it has nothing to do with that. My husband works abroad so I’m abroad quite a lot. But if I was being blackmailed into a hen do I didn’t want to go to, I would consider it dragging myself.

Meraas · 30/06/2022 13:56

@Rachie1973

You mean all the things she’s supposed to pay for as the bride?

Since when is the bride expected to cough up for accommodation for bridesmaids?

And I bet they expected the bride to attend their own abroad hen do.

CantGetDecentNickname · 30/06/2022 13:57

Hi OP,

They should not have agreed to it in the first place and said they couldn't do it up front. It is very rude to back out the way they have especially if it isn't money issues (going on what OP has said). I don't think the bride should "demote" anyone as that is lowering herself to their level. I'd recommend that she announced on FB/WhatsApp group that the trip abroad is cancelled as she had clearly misjudged their opinions when saying they were happy to go abroad and would be leaving it up to them to organise a night out or daytime activity on X day/weekend that they have all already said they are free on. She should thank them for doing this and say she is looking forward to being told what it will be.

I'd leave it with them as they don't seem to be bothered doing anything and this would mean that they either step up, behave like bridesmaids and organise a simple, fun event or show their true colours. Meanwhile, those of you who were happy to go on the trip should go on the planned (or a reduced cost) trip quietly as a small group, not mentioning it to the others and have a very good time.

Rachie1973 · 30/06/2022 13:57

Meraas · 30/06/2022 13:56

@Rachie1973

You mean all the things she’s supposed to pay for as the bride?

Since when is the bride expected to cough up for accommodation for bridesmaids?

And I bet they expected the bride to attend their own abroad hen do.

If she wants them the night before, yes. I’d expect it.

InstaHun88 · 30/06/2022 14:00

YABU. To be honest I would not waste annual leave on a hen do. Especially at a time when so many people are getting married, quite a few of my weekends are going to be taken up by weddings in the next 12 months.. So I would not want to also go away for a hen do,I just don't have the annual leave or the energy. I would rather spend a weekend away with my partner.

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 14:00

Meraas · 30/06/2022 13:56

@Rachie1973

You mean all the things she’s supposed to pay for as the bride?

Since when is the bride expected to cough up for accommodation for bridesmaids?

And I bet they expected the bride to attend their own abroad hen do.

She's probably paying because she wants her friends to start fawning over her from the night before. Why on earth would you need any of the bridal party to stay over instead of pitch up on the day?

Scottishskifun · 30/06/2022 14:07

Definitely shouldn't be demoted the point of a bridesmaid is to support the bride on wedding day not a fancy hen do abroad!

1 out of 3 of my BM made my Hendo (in the UK) either due to childcare or work issues I certainly didn't demote them I had fun with my friends who were able to attend. Too much focus is put on hen and stag dos it's a glorified expensive piss up mostly!

AuntMargo · 30/06/2022 14:11

Bridesmaid drama! I call it wedding drama, weddings, hen/stag do's are so over the top nowadays. If they dont want to fork out a hen holiday rather than just a nice night out, why should they.

Meraas · 30/06/2022 14:11

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 14:00

She's probably paying because she wants her friends to start fawning over her from the night before. Why on earth would you need any of the bridal party to stay over instead of pitch up on the day?

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Or maybe she's paying for the bridesmaids to stay over after the wedding so they don't have to drive home at night?

AuntMargo · 30/06/2022 14:14

i certainly would be bothered if I was demoted as a bridesmaid for a bridezilla, and I wouldn't go at all

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/06/2022 14:16

Aguanatural · 30/06/2022 13:55

@LuckySantangelo35

it has nothing to do with that. My husband works abroad so I’m abroad quite a lot. But if I was being blackmailed into a hen do I didn’t want to go to, I would consider it dragging myself.

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How exactly are they being 'blackmailed' into attending when they agreed to it in the first place and voted to attend the abroad hen do...so actively wanted to go and then persuaded the person who DIDN'T want to travel abroad to go?

That's like me begging you to come to the cinema with me when you wanted to go for coffee and once I've persuaded you to go, cancelling on you.

Marvellousmadness · 30/06/2022 14:17

If you plan a hens ABROAD you should count on people not coming

Rediculous. Unless the bride pays for it all. But even then its Rediculous . People have lives. Jobs
Kids. Etc. Just no!

6 bridesmadsis also Rediculous but thats another topic :p

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/06/2022 14:19

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 14:00

She's probably paying because she wants her friends to start fawning over her from the night before. Why on earth would you need any of the bridal party to stay over instead of pitch up on the day?

Show quote history

Or possibly she wants to treat her friends to a nice night away together? Perhaps the venue isn't massively easy to get to so saves them stressing the morning of?
If they are getting hair and makeup done, they might need to be there on the morning very early so this means they get a nice restful night the night before rather than being in the car at stupid oclock trying to get to the venue?

Why are you assuming the bride is so self-centred? Because she's having a hen do that her bridesmaids voted on and agreed to?

CurzonDax · 30/06/2022 14:20

2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative)
I don't understand why this is relevant. The difference between her going away 3-4 times a year, and the hen do, is that when she goes away - she chooses where to go, and when to go (choices which will be taken away from her for the hen).

the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month
This seems very reasonable to me - she is prioritising an actual wedding, over a hen party. Two trips abroad (both of which are for other people's events) in a month is a lot - she's had to make a choice between the events.

One of my bridesmaids couldn't make my hen do (UK - just one night out), and yes, I was disappointed, but she has her own life and couldn't make it. I still had a fantastic night out, and she did turned up on my wedding day, and was lovely, and looked absolutely stunning in her dress.

unfortunateevents · 30/06/2022 14:21

Sorry but people are fed up of going abroad for expensive Hen dos. The bride may consider that people have a whole year to save up for it but how many of those bridesmaids are also saving for their own weddings or have two other destination Hen parties or weddings next year as well? You don't get to determine what other peoples financial priorities are. Add into that limited annual leave and childcare and I can absolutely see why something that should be fun and pleasurable just turns into a hassle.

Awrite · 30/06/2022 14:21

I suspect you are feeling resentful because you are having to fork out to go and they are not.

I have always believed I had healthy self esteem but the thought of expecting my friends to fork out a fortune to come abroad for my hen do is alien to me.

YABU.
The bride is definitely being U.

Gh12345 · 30/06/2022 14:23

Not to be harsh but with the state things are in for working people right now, why guilt trip your friends to go abroad for a hen party? Have fun with the ones who are going but don't demote the ones who can't go. They don't have to prioritise your hen over their own planned trips

Gh12345 · 30/06/2022 14:24

unfortunateevents · 30/06/2022 14:21

Sorry but people are fed up of going abroad for expensive Hen dos. The bride may consider that people have a whole year to save up for it but how many of those bridesmaids are also saving for their own weddings or have two other destination Hen parties or weddings next year as well? You don't get to determine what other peoples financial priorities are. Add into that limited annual leave and childcare and I can absolutely see why something that should be fun and pleasurable just turns into a hassle.

100% agree

Aguanatural · 30/06/2022 14:26

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/06/2022 14:16

How exactly are they being 'blackmailed' into attending when they agreed to it in the first place and voted to attend the abroad hen do...so actively wanted to go and then persuaded the person who DIDN'T want to travel abroad to go?

That's like me begging you to come to the cinema with me when you wanted to go for coffee and once I've persuaded you to go, cancelling on you.

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I’d call threatening to ‘demote’ then from the wedding part and saying they are unsupportive blackmail.

BackToTheTop · 30/06/2022 14:27

The bride has asked them to be bridesmaids, this doesn't automatically mean they'll be at the hen do..

People can get carried away booking things like this and then reality hits around time, finances, other commitments such as family and work

Pipsquiggle · 30/06/2022 14:30

Survey expert here - often when people answer surveys / questionnaires they answer what they wished or hoped they could have e.g. in this instance all the hen party 'wished' they could go abroad on a hen party.

Only OP @gemmalouise36 was actually thinking of the practicalities involved when answering the facebook poll.

That's why in surveys, questions are often asked in the past tense 'have you ever, in the last 12 months, gone abroad to celebrate a hen do?'
This shows actual behaviour and a higher likelihood of participating again

Meraas · 30/06/2022 14:32

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/06/2022 14:19

Or possibly she wants to treat her friends to a nice night away together? Perhaps the venue isn't massively easy to get to so saves them stressing the morning of?
If they are getting hair and makeup done, they might need to be there on the morning very early so this means they get a nice restful night the night before rather than being in the car at stupid oclock trying to get to the venue?

Why are you assuming the bride is so self-centred? Because she's having a hen do that her bridesmaids voted on and agreed to?

Show quote history

Exactly @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Bleedinghearts · 30/06/2022 15:07

You’re being totally unreasonable. Hen dos should not cost £100’s and days of annual leave. They just shouldn’t. Grabby, entitled behaviour. People have other financial priorities, and if you’re having to give people a year’s notice to pay it off, then your hen is far too expensive. Want a better turnout, then make it 1) affordable (UK based- 1x night away max) and 2) convenient.

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 30/06/2022 15:09

I think it's a huge ask for people to go abroad on a hen or stag do. My husband has done a few abroad but it was before we were married so our finances were not tied and we had no children. Now we are married with children even though we could afford to do a hen or stag abroad neither of us would as it's hard to justify spending so much on a jolly for just one of you not to mention using annual leave and expecting the other person to look after things back home. I'd assume the bridesmaids got a bit carried away planning and thought abroad sounded great until they realised it's a lot of money to celebrate someone else when they have other commitments too. My friends and I all had hen do weekends in this country, price always kept around £100 ish, accommodation, activities, meals/nights out and a good laugh.