To be upset by what I heard from next door

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

My Neighbours have 2 young kids- eldest is about 2 and a 6 month old baby. DP and i went to a gig last night & our kids went on sleepovers and we got back late.

Anyway, we got in at about 1am and all I could hear was the mum shouting at the hysterical screaming older child- it sounded like the 2 year old had woken up, woken them up and wouldn’t go back to sleep (I could hear this thru the walls as we are terraces). She was shouting at the child to go back to sleep, the child was hysterical & it went on and on and on - then it sounded like she left the child on their own and the child was possible throwing themselves about as there was repetitive banging because she had left them in their room. This went on for 2 hours & kept me awake- I must have fallen asleep at about 3am.

it was AWFUl to hear it though- the was she was shouting at the child, the hysteria of the child etc. It’s really upset me as the child sounded so distressed, particularly the repetitive banging.

it’s not the first time either. Aibu to feel upset- what do you do?

She shouted at her child to go back to sleep and then left them to have their tantrum in peace. Get over yourself.

It sounds sad tbh. Poor kids and their mum sounds absolutely at the end of her tether. Lack of sleep can be a real bastard.

I can’t 100% guarantee that the nice elderly couple who live next door to me aren’t serial killers who are regularly enticing in Amazon delivery drivers and burying them under the patio. Perhaps I should log it with 101 just in case?

😂
I err on the side of caution but tbh it sounds like she was just exhausted and the child was having a tantrum. The fact you were upset the child wasn't cosleeping and was being told to go back to bed suggests you were possibly hypersensitive to the situation from the start.

I think all parents have had those nights and I'm glad no one ever called the authorities on me when my DC were this age and having a tantrum!

Please please report.
So many cases in the news now of children suffering dreadful abuse, sometime fatal.
Heartbreaking.

I'm quite surprised at what passes as normal parenting on mn. Shouting for a prolonged period at a 2 year old is seem as normal? The OP said the mothers shouting went on and on and on.

I'm the same as the OP in that we coslept and when my children were upset we never screamed at them. I'm the adult, I can control my temper, it's my job to control my temper and my ds is autistic so I know all about epic meltdowns. It isn't OK to repeatedly shout at your small child then leave them alone and upset for 2 hours.

👏🏻 👏🏻

lovely normal response.
Rather than instantly thinking a child is going to end up being carried out of that house in a body bag.
some people…

I agree with this totally
When we're tired it makes any situation a whole lot worse
I'd honestly - go and speak to my neighbour and have a chat in the first instance she might just be at breaking point
If you get the feeling when talking to her that something isn't right

Then

I'd phone social services

She might really appreciate you speaking to her

So a Toddler woke up, she sent them back to bd and they had a tantrums??
You do realise she is supposed to send them back to bed?
Excuse her for being stressed with a baby and toddler waking up....

YABU for being upset by it.

YANBU to be upset but I'd reach out to her first to see if she is struggling, she has two very young children and could be sleep deprived and at the end of her tether - obviously it is not a good way of dealing with things but a lot of otherwise loving parents have bad reactions to situations that they definitely could have dealt with better.

I had a bit of a breakdown last night and reacted terribly with my youngest - I shouted at her because she doesn't eat its been an ongoing issue for months and I reached breaking point and snapped, I've felt disgusted with myself since last night and deeply ashamed but it did make me realise that I need to reach out for support now and perhaps your neighbour is the same? Obviously if it does continue and nothing seems to be changing or it is escalating then social services might be a good point of call, hopefully if she is struggling then they can support her. The problem is we have all heard the horror stories of social services taking children away and while the logical part of me knows that it doesn't happen unless there is a reason, its not surprising that many people don't want to engage with them.

OP, why don’t you call SS and ask what they suggest. I’m not sure anyone here can give you the definitive answer you want. SS will tell you how they view what you heard.

To those people deriding the suggestion of inviting her over for a cup of tea, why is that such a strange idea? Perhaps she is struggling and needs a friend. I don’t suppose the OP would plonk down the PG tips and say ‘right, about last night……!’. Obviously if she were to try to make contact it would have to be done with care, but some people find things so hard and can’t hold it together. I was in a strange country and parenting alone and a mum at child care saw me manhandle my 2y old into the car once and then when I got in and sat down I covered my face with my hands and screamed. She came over, gave me her telephone number, took mine and then text me that night and asked me for a coffee the next day. She text every day for a long time to check on me. She ended up becoming a good friend. She used to turn up with breakfast muffins in the morning so I didn’t need to do breakfast. Her friendship and support was a huge help and only really probably happened because she saw a chink in the facade that I always put up. No one else saw it but I was in the car park where I thought no one else would see. Perhaps if she hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have got through the tough times of 2 under 2 without an incident where SS might have had to get involved. I don’t know but I thank god for that woman every day. She showed compassion and kindness when I needed it.

I get that services are stretched and it may help capacity if the public do some of the work, monitoring and logging incidents etc, but I think its a dangerous precedent. It should not be left for well meaning neighbours to assess the level of a problem by keeping diaries and taking it upon themselves to decide what's reasonable and what's not. The advice should be, and where I work is, report any concerns.

The last sentence stating it’s not the first time would make me worry. Depending on where you stay would you know which doctors they are registered with and maybe speak to health visitor.

I am just going to do what someone said I think and keep an eye/record dates & times.

Last night was by far the worst I have heard but I have been woken up by it before too on one occasion. I generally sleep heavily with earplugs.

When it woke me up I was confused by what was happening- I thought it was adults arguing but it was her shouting at the kid. It’s worse as it’s summer & the windows are open.

@KevinTheKoalaim sorry that happened. i have been there. My youngest takes an age to eat anything and when he started looking boney I was constantly in a state of panic. A few times I yelled at him about eating his food and I know the feeling that comes after. I found if I apologised and explained, the hug that he gave me cured all the discomfort. Everyone shouts at their kids sometimes. Because healthy people have a whole range of emotions. Good and bad. And yes sometimes they get away from us and as long as you acknowledge it and use it as a teaching moment for your child while explaining and apologising, it’s not going to damage them. 😘

smoothies with protein powder and fibre were a good way to supplement his diet so I didn’t have to worry so much about the meals…..

I would ask her if she’s ok and offer some help if possible

I completely agree.

The shouting, whilst not great, is certainly not abnormal and I can imagine all the more so for an exhausted parent at the end of their tether with a two year old who won’t go to sleep and a young baby in the house.

The repetitive banging of the two year old is better than hearing noises that indicate the child is being handled roughly or even hit. For all we know he/she could even have SEN, in which case this could be par for the course.

You just don’t have enough information to make an informed judgment about this situation. I second what another poster suggested and - if you are/feel able to - suggest a cup of tea or orchestrate a chat to see if the neighbour is struggling and/or needs any support.

You could always try and actually talk to her. Maybe she is struggling and having a friendly, supportive neighbour might help.

Perhaps mention in a non judgemental/sympathetic manner you have heard shouting through the night.
She must be exhausted too if this is happening regularly.

We had this without the screaming from the parents so no concerns about mistreatment, but it was constant banging and hysterics from baby. Couple foreign so likely no family support. We went round and asked if they needed anything to let us know, even bring the girl (then 1.6 or so) to look at out pets. Mum declined but said thanks. My heart broke for her as it is so so hard.

Couple of years in, she has been diagnosed with autism. Hopefully they'll have support.

Not sure if this will help, but reaching out is better than judge immediately.

Tbf you’ve got no idea if she left the child alone or what the banging was

Id report it. Not for the child crying (our eldest needed to cry it out sometimes) but for the continued shouting at a toddler. The parents clearly need help.

Trust your instincts - what you heard worried you. Call SS and report it as a safeguarding concern. If there’s no other concerns relating to this family then they can make that judgement call BUT if there are other concerns then this may be valuable evidence to build a picture of the overall care for the children. The most important thing is for them to ensure that the children are safe. You’re not in a position to do that, they are.

My middle child used to have night terrors and would scream and scream and nothing we did stopped her until the terror was over. I can't say I never lost my temper in those days. I was horrified at what the neighbours must have thought when they heard her screaming. Not saying that's what's happened of course.

Of course if your instincts are telling you something is wrong call SS

This. I’m really shocked at so many advocates of reporting when there’s no evidence to suggest actual abuse. The child had woken the household and was shouted at and left to have what was, from the OP’s description, a tantrum and to go back to sleep. Not the best approach, but you have no idea what else is going on. Sorry but I’m old school and rather than reaching for the phone I would knock at the neighbours’ and ask to talk to the mum. Tell her the walls are thin and you heard everything that went on, and ask if everything’s OK. You might get told to MYOFB, in which case, next time do report it. But you might be able to point them towards some help, should they need it, without escalating beyond what’s necessary.