To be upset by what I heard from next door

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

My Neighbours have 2 young kids- eldest is about 2 and a 6 month old baby. DP and i went to a gig last night & our kids went on sleepovers and we got back late.

Anyway, we got in at about 1am and all I could hear was the mum shouting at the hysterical screaming older child- it sounded like the 2 year old had woken up, woken them up and wouldn’t go back to sleep (I could hear this thru the walls as we are terraces). She was shouting at the child to go back to sleep, the child was hysterical & it went on and on and on - then it sounded like she left the child on their own and the child was possible throwing themselves about as there was repetitive banging because she had left them in their room. This went on for 2 hours & kept me awake- I must have fallen asleep at about 3am.

it was AWFUl to hear it though- the was she was shouting at the child, the hysteria of the child etc. It’s really upset me as the child sounded so distressed, particularly the repetitive banging.

it’s not the first time either. Aibu to feel upset- what do you do?

And if the pain relief doesn't work? It never did for my eldest - teething involved weeks of endless screaming, sleepless nights rocking her while trying to avoid her dad who had to be up early the next day to drive lorries so I couldn't simply hand the baby over because I was too tired. While I personally haven't left my children to CIO I absolutely do think they need to learn how to self soothe and fussing to that extent is not helping them, there is also a 6 month old in the picture who might have needed attention more immediately than the 2 year old throwing a tantrum. Perhaps there 2 year old is like my eldest was and any attempts to bring them out of the tantrum would only result in extending it - sometimes the only thing to be done is let them scream and tantrum as long as they are safe and know you are close by.

Yeah no one in real life is gonna start singing songs and making crumpets at 1am …. WTF?!

Sort out the problem. Drugs and hugs if it's teething. Calm music, stories and songs if the child is fearful. Porridge, crumpet or toast if the child is hungry. Hand over to dad if mum is too tired to comfort.

Porridge and songs in the middle of the night with a 6 month old? What planet are you on??

Parents need sleep too, and this is really bad advice. You'd end up with nocturnal kids...

Not to mention obese

How do the children seem normally? Do they look anxious, withdrawn or frightened? I think what you heard sounds disturbing but, as others have said, it is possible that the family is under a lot of pressure and having their sleep disturbed has caused this shouting incident. As you say, this isn't the first time, it is probably advisable to contact the authorities and recount what happened, emphasizing that you are only doing so as a precaution and not that you have formed a conclusion that the children are at risk.

Sure, let's let children scream rather than figure out what's wrong and actually fix the problem. So much better for a hungry child to cry themselves to sleep than risk them gaining a pound. So much better for a child to sob afraid of the dark than be comforted and learn that darkness can be a happy place. Etc.

God, do you really think that social services will do anything? Do you think what you think you heard warrants abuse?

You have had a very sheltered life. People like you.....wow.

I think the overwhelming feedback on your advice has been negative...sorry...you're not living in the real world.

@MRex

what if the child wakes every night and does this though? As some children will

is it porridge and songs at 1am every morning in your book then?!

ridiculous

parents are not second class citizens to their kids, they deserve rest and sleep too

Straw man. They just don't. Kids who are looked after don't scream night after night. Sorry to burst your bubble.

This exactly

yes we all have breaking points - but this is better advice than leaving poor kids to scream and scream alone at night. I wouldn’t leave another adult to scream so certainly wouldn’t leave a baby or child.

im glad there are other people who feel as I do

I love spotting a 'wouldn't do it to an adult why would you do it to a child' bingo square, it's absurd and reductive. People really don't know the different needs and desires of adults and children? I wouldn't breastfeed an adult, I wouldn't blow raspberries on an adults tummy, I wouldn't say woosh here comes the aeroplane as I spoonfed an adult, I wouldn't sing the wheels on the bus while I changed an adults nappy. Why would I do any of this for my child?

If we're going to play this game- if my partner woke me up by screaming at me at 1am and thrashing about the bedroom throwing things around I certainly would not be merrily cooking up porridge and singing hushaby baby at them. But my partner would not do this because they would be able to communicate effectively what their issue was and what they needed. My partner would also have a level of emotional and impulse control. If they didn't have this everyone would say they were abusive and to LTB. So shall we say 2 year old is abusive and should be abandoned? No? Is it because they are not an adult and should not be treated like one? Whoda thunk it!

MN - where common sense dies 👐✨

"Straw man. They just don't. Kids who are looked after don't scream night after night. Sorry to burst your bubble."

Some do and for large parts of the day to. Children with severe disabilities. But it is rare though and if your child does it you cannot leave them alone.

Actually some children who are extremely well cared for and lived do just this. Have you considered children with medical or behavioural issues, foster children etc

Perhaps you need to rethink how you’ve condemned some groups of parents / caters and put them into a category of abuser that they do not belong to on any level. They are actually often facing and experiencing abuse by trying to do the right thing for said child/ren

I just cannot believe the amount of people saying do nothing. Have we not learned anything after the abuse and deaths of all those kids during lockdown. I would rather report and be wrong than do nothing and regret it later

@MRex

but lots of kids do at that age! They do it because they want to go in mums bed and don’t like being told no.

there is absolutely no way I’d be getting up and singing songs and making porridge for a 2 year old. Really bad habits that I don’t want to encourage

for one thing I’d know I’d got to be up early to get to work. Do you not have to be up early for work?

EXACTLY THiS!

@Happytap

but a toddler isn’t an adult and vice versa so your argument is moot

as another poster has said if an adult started screaming and banging things about in the room I wouldn’t be making them crumpets and singing to them would I?!

people in the real world just can’t be doing that kind of shite. They have work to go to in the morning and need their rest. Sometimes when you’ve done what you can and tried to comfort them but to no avail and you know they’re warm, clean and comfortable you just have to let them cry 🤷‍♀️ End of. It’s really no big deal and will not damage them psychologically

Absolutely this. And the previous poster who said ring the police 🙄

I have a young son, so I know a LOT of parents with young children. It is categorically not true that "lots" scream for HOURS while banging around the room.

It's a fair point that some children with severe disabilities or neurodiversity might behave differently. The children I know who have additional needs do reportedly wake more at night, but still I've never heard from parents about hours of screaming. Just haven't.

"The children I know who have additional needs do reportedly wake more at night, but still I've never heard from parents about hours of screaming. Just haven't."

Mine didn't /doesn't but he is not a screamer. Never been his thing although we have shorter periods of high pitched shrieking and hitting himself. Some profoundly disabled children do though.

I think several things that are considered reasonably common parenting behaviors are abusive. Shouting at children is a loss of control - it is the adult's job to be the adult in the situation.

But very few parents are going to be capable of keeping a calm and cheerful demeanor at all times under stress. I don't get how calling shouting at kids abuse really helps anyone.

Of course, you're right. Calm and cheerful at all times is an unrealistic bar to set and is not actually the aim. Children should see their parents displaying a whole range of emotions and learn to regulate their own by watching their parents. Anger is a normal emotion and is perfectly acceptable. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes but a two hour tirade on more than one occasion is not a "mistake", that's a pattern of abusive behaviour. This is not at all to demonise the parents in the OP, but by the sounds of things they need some support.

Two hours is extreme and frequent or constant outbursts are also a worrying sign.

I just worry these high expectations of never ever losing your shit in front of your kids is not only unrealistic but has the effect of making a lot of parents think "fuck it, I'll never be a good enough parent, no point even trying".

We all know there isn't much help. Going over in the day with cake might make you feel all warm and fuzzy but doesn't help mum who's not coping. Social services can't send help for every parent who is struggling to manage bedtime or dinner time alone and then shouting at the kids because it's too much.