To not be bothered that I’m overweight

[megz1996]

Hiya all, trying this again.

So I’ve been a big girl since high school onwards but have gradually got bigger over the last few years. I was big when I met DH and bigger now, but he’s really not bothered. I’ve always been confident in myself and love me for me.

I get grief from my family constantly, mostly my mum and sister, which starts as the usual health concerns (and no I’m not denying weight and health are linked) then ends up being about how I look, what DH thinks etc. I know I probably should be more bothered than I am, but I'm just not.

AIBU to not be bothered about my weight, and to want to tell my family to butt out?

I read your OP and was going to say YANBU. But 23 stone is way too heavy for your frame to carry around without storing up major health problems. it's not about aesthetics or the patriarchy, it's about your physical wellbeing.

But your family should STOP telling you you need to lose weight and respect your boundaries. No-one was every nagged into losing weight.

I never understand the mindset of telling people they need to lose weight.

I agree that going on and in about it isn’t the right thing, but can’t you see why a close family member/friend would want to have a conversation with someone they loved and were very worried about? It can be done totally out of concern for their health in the same way that someone might tell a loved one that they’re worried about the amount they’re drinking.

I think when you are younger it’s not as much of a problem but as you get older it definitely is. I have a friend who is very overweight and in her 40s. In the last couple of years she has developed diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and has issues with her knees. She is on various tablets now and never looks well when I see her and seems much older than her years. When you are younger you might not realise the health issues associated with being very overweight but they can definitely catch up with you as you get older.

As long as you're happy in your skin and your weight isn't stopping you doing things, or causing you pain - go for it.

I suppose you're the sort of person who think smokers should carry on puffing 40 fags a day because right now, it's no affecting them in their 20s 🙄

I am significantly overweight @megz1996 so I'm not judging you by any means. I also haven't voted because I don't think this is really about BU or NBU.

Body positivity is good, and in short supply in our culture, but I knew when I started reading your thread that everything would depend on just how overweight you are - and 23 stone at 5'5" is not just overweight or even obese, it's a path to self-destruction.

What's going on here? Why are you treating yourself like this? It's not just that you're physically unhealthy (and you are whether you're aware of it or not) but that at some level you're also highly likely to be psychologically unhealthy. People don't get to 23 stone by accident. You have to eat a fuck tonne of crap to get to that kind of weight, and for most people that kind of regime is to do with suppressing negative feelings, thoughts or memories. Although they're expressing themselves clumsily and not really helping as a result, I think that perhaps what your family are tuning into is an understanding that all's not well with you emotionally.

My strong advice to you - and yes, I have taken it myself - is to get yourself into some kind of therapy or counselling and try to develop an understanding of how and why you've become so overweight, what triggers you to eat unhealthily, what feelings your nonchalance about your weight and health is covering up, and how your relationships and family dynamics might connect with the way you and other people in your life are reacting to all of that.

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but imho you wouldn't have posted a thread about it on MN if you were really that happy with yourself.

I disagree that body positivity is in short supply. I think normalising obesity is now acceptable.

Ultimately it's your body and your life. You're free to make your own choices about what you put into your body, and how you use it. Even if they are not wise choices.

Some things to bear in mind though:

You will not be 26 forever, and without change, you will not be 23 stone forever either, and you will get heavier and larger until the physical toll on your body catches up with you. Will you get to 30 years or 30 stone first...

A 26 year old should be able to walk, and do things like run for the bus, or go dancing. To not be able to do basic movements at 26 would be deeply worrying. Walking is a low bar to judge health by at such a young age.

It is easier to lose weight and get active when you are young. Past 35, 40, 45 it gets harder and harder and your metabolism slows down. Weight gains tend to accelerate with age as movement and muscle density decline.

Obesity affects health in pregnancy/ birth and often baby's health. Monitoring yours and baby's health gets harder the more excess fat tissue there is. Gestational diabetes is common and can lead to T2 diabetes. Babies can often end up straight in NICU to have their blood sugars stabilised. Extreme obesity reduces birth choices. If you have fertility difficulties, the first response will be for you to lose weight. That could waste precious time.

Assuming you become a mother, will you be able to easily play on the floor with an infant, rescue a toddler in a soft play frame, go on rides with them, run around a park with them?

Your 26 year old body is young and may be coping now, but it will get harder. How much are you willing to let your quality of life decline? Poor health is often invisible until it's too late.

You are free to ignore all opinions, especially unsolicited ones, but it is just biological reality that the more and more obese a person becomes, the more likely it is to impact their health and lifestyle and at an earlier age. Change can only come because you want it to and the long term benefits outweigh the difficulties.

OP I am v overweight too. When I was your age, I was only concerned with the effect on my appearance (so hard to get a boyfriend), which was still a big deal, but it feels more serious now I'm older.

Now I am 46 with 2 kids and still overweight (slightly less than before) and my worries now are:

• It is harder to get fit if you're big - get tired out quickly, not flexible, poor balance
• I don't set a good example to my kids - my 10yo is now overweight which of course I feel awful about and we are trying to tackle
• I worry I will have health problems in future and cause problems / worries to my family - risk of diabetes, stroke etc. We have a very old family and DH is 56. I want to be in good shape to see the kids grow up.
• I also need to keep working, won' be able to afford to take early retirement, so I need to do what I can to keep in good health
• eating too many sweet things when I was young gave me loads of fillings, which now means expensive dental work and I've lost a couple of back teeth. I will probably need implants at some point. Even though I don't eat much sugar now, the damage is done
• my appearance as well - at the mo I have good skin and look youngish, but this won't last forever

I appreciate it's not the same for everyone and many people manage to be overweight and in very good shape, but it is increasingly hard as you get older.

It might be interesting to really think about why you aren't worried at all about it. Did you ever care about your weight?

There is a difference between being overweight and not caring at 13 stone, and being morbidly obese and not caring at 23 stone.

They're obviously just worried about you. 23 stone is morbidly obese, no matter what you tell yourself. I think you might be indenial about it all.

...think about what it will be like being 70+ and 23 stone

Do many people of that kind of weight make it to 70?

You say not bothered but have come on mumsnet to post (assume you aren’t usually on here as you aren’t a mum or ttc).
I’d take first step and book in with GP.
I’d also think about counselling.
Your Mum will hopefully be supportive and glad you are talking some steps so may back off with her comments.

Perhaps you should think if you need medical care the waiting list for joint replacements is 2 years.A long time to be in agony.I feel it is everyone’s priority to be as healthy as possible and accept responsibility for their health,

(assume you aren’t usually on here as you aren’t a mum or ttc)

ffs. There are loads of posters on here who are neither mums nor trying to conceive.

I am in the process of losing weight. I’m almost 4 stone down. When I was heavy at 17 stone I used to say ‘I’m not bothered’ and I thought I meant it.
I am now 13 stone with 2 more to lose. That puts me 10 stone lighter than you and I’m still too big.
I can say not with complete transparency that I was bothered and I’ll bet you are too.

I know there’s some that aren’t but it just seems odd that someone who says they aren’t bothered has been bothered enough to post. I assume to get perspective of where her mum is coming from hence asking other mums.

Been there, and bought the T shirt.
I think the real concern is that you don't have a handle on what is making your weight increase. This means you will just keep on getting bigger, and that really isn't good.
You need a lifestyle change, not a diet. Diets are restrictive, temporary, and ultimately don't work. If you can honestly and realistically look at what you eat, (I thought I ate like a bird until I did this), understand what is and isn't good practice, and make some small changes you should be able to reverse the gaining into a small loss each week, which over time will add up to much better health.
You are only 26 and the body is flexible and your cartiledge is lovely and thick and springy, but you are wearing it out at 4 times the normal speed and trust me, you don't want to be 50 and staring down the barrel of a knee/hip replacement, diabetes and worse (because it will all come together in one perfect storm)
Being that big IS restrictive, and you are fooling only yourself to say it's not, but you have time if you make some changes now. Don't put it off or you'll be 30 years old, 30 stone and have no idea how it happened.

23 stone is NOT overweight it's morbidly obese. you are in denial like and alcoholic or drug addict. you should care and you not caring is a sign of mental health issues.

You are delusional. SO many health problems in your future. Get counselling and work out what’s actually going on to make you slowly kill yourself like this! Your mum loves you, of course she’s going to say something.

I’d be amazed if “mums” had anything to do with it.
It’s a busy discussion forum where you’ll get lots of answers, especially on a topic like obesity.

(assume you aren’t usually on here as you aren’t a mum or ttc)

Oh dear, still people think this?

Plus fact that surgeon may require you to be under a certain bmi before operating. Risks of anaesthetic and surgery complications if your bmi is very high. Losing weight is hard. Losing weight when you are in pain and immobile is harder. I know a lady who is trying to lose 3 stone to be able to have her knee replacement.

Quite. You don’t really see morbidly obese people at that age because they all died early.