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Original poster

Racist message in group chat WWYD?

360 replies

Thebeastofsleep · 27/06/2022 20:00

DH, not me. Is in a group chat for an up coming stag group. DH only knows he stag and no other attendees/ group members. One group member has been posting 'banter' in the chat - memes, videos etc. Most of these have been fairly normal fodder, some slightly offensive. No one in the group has reciprocated/ commented on these but he keeps doing it. Stag has commented that its a group to plan the stag do, not a jokes thread and tried to get it back on track. Now the same person has posted an overtly racist video. Its shocking. DH is absolutely outraged.

WWYD:

  1. comment that the video is completely in appropriate and leave the group and not attend the stag do.
  2. comment that the video is completely inappropriate and leave group but still attend the do.
  3. comment as above but stay in the group and attend.
  4. say nothing, leave the group.
  5. say nothing, act like it didn't happen.

DH is erring on 1 at the moment but he has no idea who this person is in relation to the stag/ rest of the group other than he isn't the best man.

OP posts:
iwantavuvezela · 27/06/2022 20:43

Your DH should call out the racism, by not doing that he is "accepting" it, condoning it and making it easier for this type of behaviour to continue. It is all of our responsibility that we call this out - especially when its under the guise of "banter". The more we all do it, the greater chance we have of of living in a non racist society.

Once he has called it out he can see what happens and decide from there. He does not have to make that choice now

It might not be easy, who knows how it will pan out but its the right thing to do

PicaK · 27/06/2022 20:44

turquoisebuttons · 27/06/2022 20:39

I vote 3. “Think that crosses the line to be honest mate, prob best to delete it”. Or similar man speak.

I’d still go to the stag unless the others all start jumping in and defending him.

That's the best line to use

NancyDrooo · 27/06/2022 20:44
  1. tell the stag to sort his racist mate out as you don’t want to hang out with people like that. How does he know him?
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2022 20:45

Thebeastofsleep · 27/06/2022 20:43

DH has decided to go for a mix of 3 and 6. He has messaged the group saying racism is unacceptable and asking the person to remove the video. He has also messaged the stag.

The video is a collection of video clips/ images of black people with a song over the top in an American deep south style (don't know the name of the style, heavy with banjo) about shooting [insert racist term].

Good for him.

What an enormous arsehole that bloke is.

Rogue1001MNer · 27/06/2022 20:45

Good for your DH @Thebeastofsleep

Hopefully the other stags will message in agreement

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 27/06/2022 20:45

NippyWoowoo · 27/06/2022 20:04

  1. message the stag and ask him wtf is up with this guy and how the stag knows him?

Yip, this would be exactly what I'd do.

juas · 27/06/2022 20:45

He should call him out and still attend if he wants to. The racist person should feel ashamed of showing his face at the stag, not your husband.

Nosetickle · 27/06/2022 20:46

option 6 is what I’d do, option 3 is what I’d hope I’d have the guts to do.

CoastalWave · 27/06/2022 20:46

wow that is bad. If he's like that on a group chat with people he doesn't even know, he'll be worse in real life. Not cool.

Vionnet · 27/06/2022 20:46

That's vile. Good on your DH.

alphons · 27/06/2022 20:47

Think that crosses the line to be honest mate, prob best to delete it

Crosses the line? That suggests it’s okay to be racist up to a certain point.

Mate? That suggests we’re all buddies here, nothing that would make me think less of you.

Not appropriate, definitely apologist.

beautyisthefaceisee · 27/06/2022 20:47

The stag didn't write it so I don't know why he wouldnt attend. Absolutely call it out though.

Ntsure · 27/06/2022 20:48

If the stag is friends with this man I'd not want anything to do with the pair of them. That's not even a poor taste joke (which would still be out of order of course!) that's completely disgusting and disturbing

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 27/06/2022 20:49

Well done.

Original poster
Thebeastofsleep · 27/06/2022 20:50

alphons · 27/06/2022 20:43

If your DH doesn’t know anyone else in the group, the racist wanker doesn’t know your DH. Your DH could be a subject matter of the abuse as far as the dickhead is concerned. Which means he’s posting this shit knowing he might be directly abusing someone in their inbox.

You have to really believe in the racist verbiage you’re posting to do that.

That was my thoughts as well. We know the stag group is a varied mix of people, work, family, friends etc, it is highly likely that the racist knows very few of them. How does he know they are not POC? He simply didn't care.

OP posts:
GreenClock · 27/06/2022 20:51

That video sounds disturbing.

AmaryIlis · 27/06/2022 20:52

I'd agree with your husband's response. What happens next really depends on the groom's reaction - as a minimum he needs to support your husband 100%, ideally he needs to chuck the racist right out of everything. I'd be absolutely mortified if a friend of mine behaved like that.

Smokealarmwakeup · 27/06/2022 20:52

Has the stag replied?

Is th stag in the group?

Myotherusernamesafunnyone · 27/06/2022 20:53

3 and 6
And make sure the 3 is clear- this is disgusting please delete and don't post anything similar again. I'm sure once 1 person says it all the others will support him

teenagerinlove · 27/06/2022 20:54

Good for your DH! That video sounds absolutely vile. Will he report it to WhatsApp?

PassThePringles · 27/06/2022 20:54

#6 and interested in what the grooms thoughts on it is too. You've got a decent husband, hopefully stag backs him up and douchebag gets kicked.

MargotMoon · 27/06/2022 20:55

Well done to your DH. If the stag doesn't back him up or tries to minimise it will he withdraw from the wedding? I know I would want to distance myself from someone like that

Ofcourseandyouknowit · 27/06/2022 20:56

Thebeastofsleep · 27/06/2022 20:43

DH has decided to go for a mix of 3 and 6. He has messaged the group saying racism is unacceptable and asking the person to remove the video. He has also messaged the stag.

The video is a collection of video clips/ images of black people with a song over the top in an American deep south style (don't know the name of the style, heavy with banjo) about shooting [insert racist term].

Wow, @Thebeastofsleep I don’t know if I’m just insanely naive but I really thought that sort of overt- definitely-not-irony-or-satire racism wouldn’t happen anymore, bit of an eye opener to say the least. Glad your husband called it out, definitely the right thing to do.
Im curious, what were the other offensive but not as offensive jokes dropped in the chat before this was shared?

Original poster
Thebeastofsleep · 27/06/2022 20:57

Smokealarmwakeup · 27/06/2022 20:52

Has the stag replied?

Is th stag in the group?

Stag is in the group. Stag has called DH and said he knew that racist was a bit of a knob but hadn't realised he was that bad. Stag is having a word directly with racist.

2 others have left the group. 1 other has also commented after DH and along the same lines.

OP posts:
alphons · 27/06/2022 20:57

Thebeastofsleep · 27/06/2022 20:50

That was my thoughts as well. We know the stag group is a varied mix of people, work, family, friends etc, it is highly likely that the racist knows very few of them. How does he know they are not POC? He simply didn't care.

Show quote history

I tend to believe it’s worse than that (because of my life experiences). It’s kind of you to say they don’t care about the hurt they may cause. No, they don’t - but that’s just the beginning. In reality, often it’s a deliberate and emboldened strategy to mark their position and claim the territory (Eg this social group) as their racist one. Or, if they’re not so bold, it’s an attempt to scope out whether they’re amongst friends before doing the above. I have no illusions any more. It’s not unthinking or mere negligence. It’s deliberate. Hidden in plain view.