Racist message in group chat WWYD?

[Thebeastofsleep]

DH, not me. Is in a group chat for an up coming stag group. DH only knows he stag and no other attendees/ group members. One group member has been posting 'banter' in the chat - memes, videos etc. Most of these have been fairly normal fodder, some slightly offensive. No one in the group has reciprocated/ commented on these but he keeps doing it. Stag has commented that its a group to plan the stag do, not a jokes thread and tried to get it back on track. Now the same person has posted an overtly racist video. Its shocking. DH is absolutely outraged.

WWYD:

1. comment that the video is completely in appropriate and leave the group and not attend the stag do.
2. comment that the video is completely inappropriate and leave group but still attend the do.
3. comment as above but stay in the group and attend.
4. say nothing, leave the group.
5. say nothing, act like it didn't happen.

DH is erring on 1 at the moment but he has no idea who this person is in relation to the stag/ rest of the group other than he isn't the best man.

@Anxiernie I am trying to imagine what a joke about domestic violence would be like.

Yes, fantastic idea! Let’s just reclassify racism as banter, so we don’t have to confront it, and allow people like this to carry on in their ignorant ways.

This attitude is exactly why we are living in an institutionally racist society, if you make excuses for this vile behaviour you are very clearly making your own position crystal clear, and are part of the problem.

Challenge it and see what the others do.

Id probably message on the group something like 'wtf was that? Racist much?' and then i would gauge the reaction of everyone else and if people support me great, if they dont, i would bow out.

Im presuming he knows the stag well - and he feels that the stag wouldn't have the same viewpoint as this? So msg the stag and ask what's going on!

Would also depend on what you mean by overtly racist? What's happening in the video? Has anyone else reacted at all?

Comment in the group that it's inappropriate, ask the group if this is the level of "bants" that can be expected on the actual stag do and based on the answer decide if to go or not.

Definitely call it out

For the sake of the groom I would just make a general comment about the video and asking him to stop and leave it at that. If it continues the groom needs to step in so I would approach him about it.

Sorry your husband has had to endure this, some people are just so ignorant and vile!!!

1. No need to do himself out if a stag do because someone else is a dick.

Prob wouldn't say anything as it’s banter but maybe distance from this person

Apologist crap. Racists need calling out openly and quickly.

I would do 2 or possibly 1. I would speak to the stag about it and then decide whether to attend. My decision would depend on my relationship with the stag and what the stag says about the racist person.

DH knows no-one else in the group at all, just the stag.

From the other stuff this person has been sending I would say they are racist.

It isn't banter. Its racism.

I've said it is up to him, I won't make him go to the stag do but that I think he should definitely say something.

1. DM the stag.

Although I tend to throw my toys out of the pram, call the thick wanker out and get thrown out of both the group and the event. Do as I say, not as I do. My BIL still hates me for similar. He chose to make racist jokes in my house. Once.

3 is the best one as a first option. If the reaction of the rest of the group makes it clear that they think your DH is overreacting then leave the group and don't attend the do. OTOH the group might support your DH in which case win win for doing the right thing.

I'd have to challenge it.
If it was me I'd say something like racism isn't funny. Please keep your views to yourself.

2 or 3, it’s not fair on the stag to miss out because of this person. Why doesn’t your DH message the stag?

I had to deal with similar in an interest group, one other member tested the water with mild wtf memes and video clips no one said anything just ignored it. They obviously felt emboldened and posted a completely racist joke, I felt compelled to call them on it and said something like “ if it’s only me that finds this totally unacceptable then I don’t think this group is for me” other folk in the group did then agree it was unacceptable. Upshot was racist person left the group ( protesting that they hadn’t meant it like that) but the group just petered out, I have no regrets.

DH was in a similar position. He ignored the group chats in the run up to the stag and went as planned. Wished he hadn't - although in his situation there was more than one racist sexist pig in the group.

DH had a miserable time on the stag where the behaviour got worse. The worst offenders were, of course Met police officers.

3 and 6. And only because it’s a stag do, which is more likely than not to mean the stag and other people in the group might not have a close relationship with this guy. He could be a total outlier (sounds like it).

6 because the stag has tried to shut this guy up before and I would be telling him “him or me”.

Exactly this

Something like 3. Maybe consider sacking off the stag do if others in the group agree with racist guy.

I vote 3. “Think that crosses the line to be honest mate, prob best to delete it”. Or similar man speak.

I’d still go to the stag unless the others all start jumping in and defending him.

3

DH has decided to go for a mix of 3 and 6. He has messaged the group saying racism is unacceptable and asking the person to remove the video. He has also messaged the stag.

The video is a collection of video clips/ images of black people with a song over the top in an American deep south style (don't know the name of the style, heavy with banjo) about shooting [insert racist term].

My stock first response to racism is, ‘Not cool.’

Then up it if it carries on.

If your DH doesn’t know anyone else in the group, the racist wanker doesn’t know your DH. Your DH could be a subject matter of the abuse as far as the dickhead is concerned. Which means he’s posting this shit knowing he might be directly abusing someone in their inbox.

You have to really believe in the racist verbiage you’re posting to do that.