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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my birthday today and partner has not said anything to me

273 replies

Littlebitlost0001 · 27/06/2022 11:58

Hi All,

I don’t want this to come off as self pity, I just don’t know if IABU and not seeing another side to this.

So for context.
Today is my birthday, I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and have a lovely 8 year old boy. I am with my the kids dad but our relationship is strained.
Especially over the last week - we are having house renovations and he has consistently blamed me about them despite me saying to only do upstairs and later do downstairs but he insisted on doing the entire house together.

Plesse note I am paying for all of the renovations and we stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks while the bulk of the work was being done. It’s not ideal but I’m heavily pregnant and can manage.

There have been 2 big arguments in the past week and I am just blamed for absolutely everything, everything I do is wrong and selfish apparently.

He has not said anything to me, no happy birthday nothing.
My son doesn’t know it’s my birthday bless him so I just got him ready and he went to school as usual.

This day is especially tough for me as it will be the first birthday without my dad (he passed away almost a year ago and our birthdays are only a week apart - I was very close to my dad, he was a single parent and raised me and my brother alone).

AIBU to even think my partner may wish me happy birthday? I don’t expect a gift, card or anything .

My partners birthday was less than a month after my dad passed and I still ensured I arranged a lovely weekend away for the 3 of us.

Thank you in advance anyone who reads/replies. X

OP posts:
AWOIF · 27/06/2022 17:32

Happy Birthday! Chuck the Fucker out! It will be hard, can your sister come down earlier? Maybe she can support you and stay longer if you explain the situation to her?

beastlyslumber · 27/06/2022 17:33

He's financially and emotionally abusing you and your kid.

I really hope you will take steps to kick him out of your house. I know it's hard, but seriously, it won't be harder than what you've got now.

Also, yes, nice meal and big slice of cake with your kiddo today. Happy birthday Flowers

greatblueheron · 27/06/2022 17:36

Frankly, you've got your children, dump the bastard.

Get him out of your house.

Live in peace with your children

Gardengirl108 · 27/06/2022 17:39

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 27/06/2022 13:35

happy birthday! Make it a good one. Take your ds out for tea, treat yourselves. Exclude dh and don’t even mention where you’re going until you come back.

don't let your dh say nasty things to your son about you. Tell your son that sometimes his dad says unpleasant things, and that’s not kind and not fair but that your son should never feel worried about telling you what his dad says, because you can help him work out which of those things daddy says aren’t right or true. You can point out to ds that people sometimes say horrible things because they are grumpy and it makes them feel better to share the misery around. But that doesn’t mean we have to allow those miserable horrible thoughts to stay in our heads: we can decide to reject those ideas and not think about them. And point out that even if your home isn’t perfect compared to some flashy houses, it is the home you love sharing with your ds and you think that makes it as perfect as it needs to be.

This ⬆️

Charlieiscool · 27/06/2022 17:39

What is the point of a man like that? You would be mad to waste your life with him.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/06/2022 17:46

OMG he sounds awful!
Ignoring your birthday to punish you, not contributing at all to household costs, expecting you to pay towards the car ( him driving sounds like his only contribution to family life) and being generally abusive.
It actually sounds as if he was not supportive when your dad died, sounds like he was mean and nasty and still couldn't be bothered to support you or your DS. while he packs up and leaves. You've had no time to process your dad'd death, that's because he hasn't given you the emotional and financial support you needed.
I can't see the advantage to you in having him around, he is costing you money and causing you stress by being so unkind.
As you are not married and it is your house, you can just kick him out. If you are frightened that he will get aggressive or violent you can ask the police to support you while he packs up and leaves.
If it suits you , better wait till after the baby is born, so that you don't have to worry about childcare while you are actually giving birth. Once you are back on your feet, you can tell him go then.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/06/2022 17:48

Kennykenkencat · 27/06/2022 17:32

If the house is such a “shit hole” then do him a favour and tell him he no longer has to live in it.

Let him go find his own palace to live in

This is worth thinking about.

If your CFer partner thinks that your home is such a 'shit hole', tell him that he no longer is welcome to stay in said shit hole and he has to find another place to live.
Tell him that you're no longer going to pay towards his car. If the car is actually his, he has to pay for it. Motor tax, insurance, the works. It is no longer your concern.

Best of luck to you!

Octomore · 27/06/2022 17:50

Ihatethenewlook · 27/06/2022 12:27

Your partners an abusive shit, and he’s teaching your poor son to be like that too. Why are you still with this man. He clearly doesn’t like you, your poor son he’s making these awful comments to, or your ‘shit tip’ of a house.

I agree with this.

You only have one life, don't spend it with this sack of shit.

EvilPea · 27/06/2022 17:55

KyaClark · 27/06/2022 14:30

Happy birthday, OP.

Pick your son up from school. Get a nice meal just the two of you. Have your own celebration. Your dickhead of a partner can only ruin your day if you choose to let him.

Fuck that cunt.

This.
absolutely this.

i did this once, it was lovely. We had the best time.

happy birthday.
ditch the cunt and let this be the first day of your new life.

DelurkingLawyer · 27/06/2022 18:00

Happy birthday OP.

Thank god you aren’t married to this guy, thank god his name is not on the mortgage and thank god he doesn’t contribute to the house expenses in any way. Chuck him out. And stop paying a penny in contribution to his car or other expenses.

Dominuse · 27/06/2022 18:02

greatblueheron · 27/06/2022 17:36

Frankly, you've got your children, dump the bastard.

Get him out of your house.

Live in peace with your children

This. I’m sorry he is 100% abusive to you and your children please tell him to go and change the locks - you don’t need this shit

Merryoldgoat · 27/06/2022 18:03

I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore.

PoshHorseyBird · 27/06/2022 18:10

Happy birthday!
Genuine question...why are you with this vile man? He says your house is a 'shit hole'..I'd tell him that as it's such an awful place you're happy for him to move out immediately. Sounds like your paying for everything anyway. Honestly what does he bring to the table?

tempester28 · 27/06/2022 18:15

Happy Birthday!
You know that he should have taken your son to get a card/gift and made it special for you. If you are sure that he hasn't forgotten then he is just absolutely mean.

Why doesn't he contribute, I don't know what part of the country you are in but here taxi drivers earn good money so I really would accept him not contributing.

Order yourself and your son a nice takeaway. You don't need this when you are so heavily pregnant - but you should protect yourself financially and reconsider this relationship.

wotsitsaremyfave · 27/06/2022 18:15

Wow!

Happy Birthday: please take yourself out for a lovely dinner. He sounds horrible

HermioneKipper · 27/06/2022 18:24

I don’t usually say this but please kick him out.

Its your house and you’re not married so you’re in a great position. He sounds like an awful partner ☹️

Moonshine5 · 27/06/2022 18:36

OP I'm sending you lots of hugs and good wishes. Your lovely dad will always be part of you, your children and with you.

You know what you have to do re: the father of your children you don't need any of us to tell you that you're worth a million of him. When you find the strength you will do the right thing for you and your children. Good luck xx

Dibbydoos · 27/06/2022 18:37

It's so sad to read posts like this :( So many people on here are in unhappy relationships.

Firstly, Happy Birthday.

Secondly, OP your husband is an AH.

You are in late stages of pregnancy but he's forcing you run around and do shopping when he is clearly capable. He needs to think hard about what he has and be grateful. He sounds selfish and horrible.

Tell him to leave. You deserve better.

Tigofigo · 27/06/2022 18:37

Never has there been a clearer case for kicking a partner out. Please do the freedom programme if you're struggling. Good luck and happy birthday x

RedRec · 27/06/2022 18:37

OP, I have been out but have been thinking about you all afternoon. Especially what you said about your son and how sad he would be if he realised that it was your birthday and nothing had been done for you.
Absolutely the best thing you can do is bin off your abusive piece of shit 'partner' and show your son what a good life is. Just you and him. I think he will thank you for it in the future and will appreciate the love and care you showed him.
All the very best to you Flowers

RedRec · 27/06/2022 18:39

Oh and happy birthday x

adriftabroad · 27/06/2022 18:39

OP, Happy Birthday! 😘

Tigofigo · 27/06/2022 18:44

OP your partner is abusive. Did you know that domestic abuse can harm children who are witness to it, it has even been know to impact child in the womb, can cause attachment disorder and that can make it REALLY difficult for both parent and child. It could be harming your son's development - I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, it's not your fault but I would love for you to be able to raise your children away from this damaging environment that could cause serious and lifelong disorders. Even if you don't do it for yourself, please do it for them xx

IVbumble · 27/06/2022 18:46

You may well be more exhausted with him than without because he's a dementor sucking the love & joy out of your life but you don't have to change anything right now.

Please check out www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/ when ever you can.

It might also help to read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft & to do The Freedom Programme online.

8times · 27/06/2022 18:58

Beautiful darling.

Happy birthday xxx

Even though it isn't.

My partner 'forgetting' my birthday was a real low point. I know how sad you must feel. Talking about how sad that was and him knowing this and still not making it up to me...suggesting I was childish and selfish (!) Felt even worse.

It was one of the final nails in the coffin of a long story of unhappiness.

I don't know your life and I can't presume what is right for you.

Just take care.

If you want a suggestion, enjoy a cake and nice time with your son. He probably would enjoy to celebrate with you.

I wouldn't say a thing to your partner or react in any way. I would call women's aid because dealing with this on your own is just too much. You can talk about it all and have practical , legal and emotional support privately, for you. You are under no obligation to do anything you don't want. I found them so incredible. It is all about you.

Counseling is good too.

I did a trail separation but kept coming and going with the relationship. It just dragged out the pain. Because I didn't really see what was going on.

Women's aid and therapy saved me and made me stronger.

I became a single mum to two still in nappies. I never knew peace like it.

I don't know what's right for you.

I just wish you love.

Please start talking to people you trust and organisations that can help. You still get to make your own mind up at the end of the day. You have nothing to loose.

Xxx