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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my birthday today and partner has not said anything to me

273 replies

Littlebitlost0001 · 27/06/2022 11:58

Hi All,

I don’t want this to come off as self pity, I just don’t know if IABU and not seeing another side to this.

So for context.
Today is my birthday, I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and have a lovely 8 year old boy. I am with my the kids dad but our relationship is strained.
Especially over the last week - we are having house renovations and he has consistently blamed me about them despite me saying to only do upstairs and later do downstairs but he insisted on doing the entire house together.

Plesse note I am paying for all of the renovations and we stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks while the bulk of the work was being done. It’s not ideal but I’m heavily pregnant and can manage.

There have been 2 big arguments in the past week and I am just blamed for absolutely everything, everything I do is wrong and selfish apparently.

He has not said anything to me, no happy birthday nothing.
My son doesn’t know it’s my birthday bless him so I just got him ready and he went to school as usual.

This day is especially tough for me as it will be the first birthday without my dad (he passed away almost a year ago and our birthdays are only a week apart - I was very close to my dad, he was a single parent and raised me and my brother alone).

AIBU to even think my partner may wish me happy birthday? I don’t expect a gift, card or anything .

My partners birthday was less than a month after my dad passed and I still ensured I arranged a lovely weekend away for the 3 of us.

Thank you in advance anyone who reads/replies. X

OP posts:
Zebracat · 27/06/2022 16:41

And I’m a bit of an expert in childhood trauma.

annonymousse · 27/06/2022 16:42

Give yourself the best birthday ever and kick him out. He sounds like he has no redeeming features at all. You will feel as light as a feather without this millstone around your neck

bloodyunicorns · 27/06/2022 16:44

Jesus, op. First, happy birthday and have a gentle hug. It must be a bittersweet one, being the first after your beloved dad died.

Second, does your H have ANY redeeming points? He sounds like a cocklodging BASTARD who does nothing to make your life better but a lot to make it worse.

Honey, why are toy with him? Todd have a lot more head space to process your grief and just get on with things if you dumped this waste of space and stopped funding his life!

You deserve SO much more.

Ofc your p should have wished you a happy birthday. It's the very least he should have done.

Do you want to be saddled with a sulky, selfish, critical, mean-spirited cocklodger for ever?

I'd ask him to move out. Then get some counselling or do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your standards for next time.

bloodyunicorns · 27/06/2022 16:45

ladymalfoy45 · 27/06/2022 16:38

MNHQ need an emergency signal, like Batman.
The call goes out, nearest MNs are deployed and bastards like these are met with packed bags and a protective cordon of fierce women.
one of these women will be locksmith, one a solicitor and possibly another who is a massage therapist.

Yes!!!

madasawethen · 27/06/2022 16:45

ladymalfoy45 · 27/06/2022 16:38

MNHQ need an emergency signal, like Batman.
The call goes out, nearest MNs are deployed and bastards like these are met with packed bags and a protective cordon of fierce women.
one of these women will be locksmith, one a solicitor and possibly another who is a massage therapist.

Love this idea!
I volunteer to be the tea lady.
I'd ask the bastards if they'd like one lump or two. Grin

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/06/2022 16:45

Happy birthday OP xx

I say this with all love but the only thing you’ve listed is that he was “there” after your dad passed. By there do you mean looked after you, cooked dinners, looked after DS, took the mental load off you - or do you mean he gave you the odd hug & said there there?

he’s a cocklodger with nowhere else to go.

he needs to go. It’s better to be on your own than suffer the loneliness of living with someone who actively sets out to undermine you & treat you like shit

OceanbreezeSun · 27/06/2022 16:46

Happy Birthday op⭐️

He sounds really cruel.
I know it’s easier said then done , especially as you are pregnant and already have a child…but you will honestly be better off without him. He sounds toxic and very nasty, the blaming you for things, it will get worse and your children will pick up on it.

rumporolypolyofthebailey · 27/06/2022 16:46

"He can be very nasty and cruel."
You deserve, anyone deserves better. Include a lock change in the refurbishment. Happy birthday

escapingthecity · 27/06/2022 16:47

ladymalfoy45 · 27/06/2022 16:38

MNHQ need an emergency signal, like Batman.
The call goes out, nearest MNs are deployed and bastards like these are met with packed bags and a protective cordon of fierce women.
one of these women will be locksmith, one a solicitor and possibly another who is a massage therapist.

I LOVE THIS IDEa. It would terrify men.

Happy birthday OP. Do something nice for yourself before the baby comes as a treat (more expensive haircut, lunch out with a friend or on your own) and talk to someone about your options. This man isn't kind to you and you deserve better

redandyellowbits · 27/06/2022 16:47

ladymalfoy45 · 27/06/2022 16:38

MNHQ need an emergency signal, like Batman.
The call goes out, nearest MNs are deployed and bastards like these are met with packed bags and a protective cordon of fierce women.
one of these women will be locksmith, one a solicitor and possibly another who is a massage therapist.

I love this, my online MN army helped me to leave my abusive exH, and OP, yours sounds so, so similar to him.

You sound SO capable, I bet you would absolutely thrive without him, I know I have done.

I didn't read whether you are married or not, I am hoping not and you can kick the fucker out.

ladymalfoy45 · 27/06/2022 16:50

Right,@Zebracat , that’sLittle’s DS sorted.
i’ll happily brandish my battle ladle .

Harrysmummy246 · 27/06/2022 16:52

He's not a partner, he's not being good to you. Consider whether your future should include him please. Abuse might only be verbal now but it's often only a start

madasawethen · 27/06/2022 16:52

Happy Birthday Flowers🎂

Please kick him out. Things will be better without this lazy cocklodger in your life.

PerseverancePays · 27/06/2022 16:54

Happy birthday!

Your partner is financially abusing you as well as grinding you down into a shell of your former self. For your children’s sake it would be good to remove him from their everyday lives, he is not a good role model. I think your partner is very challenged by your good financial standing.
It’s hard doing it on your own but easier than doing without the millstone dragging you down at every step. Maybe look into getting some counselling while you’re on maternity leave, you could do with some kind and helpful support.

FabFitFifties · 27/06/2022 16:56

I haven't had time to read whole thread OP, but I'm worried about you. I'm particularly worried for your emotional wellbeing, after baby is born. The norm is they get worse the more trapped they think you are. I am also worried for your son. Do you have friends and family to confide in and support you. Start planning to get him out, with support.

user375242 · 27/06/2022 17:03

My mum forgot my dad's birthday recently. She remembered about midday, she had got him a card and present and had thought about writing it just the night before, but then had forgotten and didn't remember again until midday, so it is possible he had genuinely forgotten even if it was mentioned very recently. But if it definitely is deliberate I absolutely would end the relationship. Even when I was going through a rough patch for a couple of years with my husband, we still put effort into birthdays and Christmas, and it is what a decent parent should do. I hope you have decided to go out for a birthday meal with your son.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/06/2022 17:03

Happy birthday @Littlebitlost0001 - can I too recommend that you give yourself and your son and your newest addition on the way, the best birthday present ever - by kicking the ungrateful and pain in the arse husband in to touch? Get your paperwork together and kick him out!
Two parents who are clearly not getting along (and you're not) but who do better apart from each other is a better environment than two parents taking chunks out of each other under the same roof.

It sounds like you are 100% the breadwinner in your family so do yourselves a favour and please consider your lovely son and newest addition by kicking your other half out.

Anoooshka · 27/06/2022 17:06

I'd get the locks changed while you are having the renovation work done and put his things out in the street.

I don't want to kick you when you are down, but have you thought of the effect your partner's behaviour is having on your DS. Is he the role model you would like for your son? Wouldn't it be better to live by yourself than to be subjected to this abuse? Because it is abuse. And the weaker you become, the more abusive he will be.

PrinnyPree · 27/06/2022 17:07

Happy Birthday OP! And condolences for the loss of your father, I lost mine 3 years ago and it is so difficult.

As for your partner, as kindly as possible, I can only echo that you are being abused. Not only that, he is abusing your child by belittling his mother and getting him to repeat swearing insults. How horrible for your little boy. I can only imagine how hard it is to leave for yourself but can you reframe it in your mind to leave to protect your son and get his abuser out of the house.

It also sounds that you are not financially dependent on him and may in fact be better off if he left. Please contact Womens Aid, it could really escalate with the arrival of the baby, make yourself safe now.

Sending love and strength and on call ready for any mumsnet batsignal should one ever be invented. Xx

AuntMargo · 27/06/2022 17:24

Happy Birthday.

Your partner is a bar steward and a leech! I seriously don't understand why you allow yourself to be treated this way, I just don't get it. Sling the A hole out and raise your children yourself, you're clearly capable financially, look at some support groups in the area for the emotional aspect, if there is no one to help you with that side. Good Luck xx

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 27/06/2022 17:25

I have 4 ddogs. They will see him off no problem..

pointythings · 27/06/2022 17:25

Happy birthday!

For your best birthday ever, ask this man for his keys back, toss his stuff and him out and live life as a single parent. It will be so much better for you than walking on eggshells around him. You're clearly sorted financially, you aren't married so all you have to lose is the millstone round your neck.

Cornishclio · 27/06/2022 17:27

I have just read your other thread and am seriously worried about the abuse you are suffering from this man. You need to get shot of him or your son will be badly damaged by this behaviour. There are a number of domestic abuse charities you can contact for advice. Is he the reason you have lost contact with friends?

BellePeppa · 27/06/2022 17:29

For the love of god leave him! I can’t imagine what positives he’s bringing into the relationship that outweigh the negatives. He sounds horrible.

Kennykenkencat · 27/06/2022 17:32

If the house is such a “shit hole” then do him a favour and tell him he no longer has to live in it.

Let him go find his own palace to live in