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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my birthday today and partner has not said anything to me

273 replies

Littlebitlost0001 · 27/06/2022 11:58

Hi All,

I don’t want this to come off as self pity, I just don’t know if IABU and not seeing another side to this.

So for context.
Today is my birthday, I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and have a lovely 8 year old boy. I am with my the kids dad but our relationship is strained.
Especially over the last week - we are having house renovations and he has consistently blamed me about them despite me saying to only do upstairs and later do downstairs but he insisted on doing the entire house together.

Plesse note I am paying for all of the renovations and we stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks while the bulk of the work was being done. It’s not ideal but I’m heavily pregnant and can manage.

There have been 2 big arguments in the past week and I am just blamed for absolutely everything, everything I do is wrong and selfish apparently.

He has not said anything to me, no happy birthday nothing.
My son doesn’t know it’s my birthday bless him so I just got him ready and he went to school as usual.

This day is especially tough for me as it will be the first birthday without my dad (he passed away almost a year ago and our birthdays are only a week apart - I was very close to my dad, he was a single parent and raised me and my brother alone).

AIBU to even think my partner may wish me happy birthday? I don’t expect a gift, card or anything .

My partners birthday was less than a month after my dad passed and I still ensured I arranged a lovely weekend away for the 3 of us.

Thank you in advance anyone who reads/replies. X

OP posts:
FOJN · 27/06/2022 19:04

Happy Birthday OP.

I feel so incredibly sad reading your post I don't even know what to say.

Please listen to the advice of PP, your life does not have to be this way.

Justfeelsunfair · 27/06/2022 19:18

Happy birthday @Littlebitlost0001 . I’m sorry it’s a further reminder your darling Dad isn’t here.

Give yourself the best birthday present ever and get this man gone. You are bringing new life into a very toxic situation. You deserve better. So does your son. Next birthday you might be single but I almost guarantee you’ll be happier.

Maisymoomoo22 · 27/06/2022 19:19

My blood is boiling reading this. I’m sat here with my chin rapidly descending to the floor with every sentence!
what a vile shit your dp is.
He’s bringing absolutely nothing to your relationship and he’s getting away with controlling you and telling you how to spend your hard earned money to boot!
you really aren’t going to miss anything about him when you come to your senses and pull up your big girls pants and kick the arrogant prick out!!!
Do it now!!!

GrinAndVomit · 27/06/2022 19:27

Happy birthday! My gift to you is the encouragement and assurance that your birthday next year will be better but only if you give yourself the gift of new locks on your doors and half empty wardrobes this year.
You deserve more. Your son deserves more. He needs to see you happy x

Ninananna · 27/06/2022 19:29

What an utter arsehole. Kick him out. He is no use to you financially or emotionally. I detest bullies. Happy birthday lovely. 💐 You and your children deserve to be happy and this apology for a man will not make you happy.

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 27/06/2022 19:36

Oh good grief OP . You deserve better than that,and so do your children. Chuck him out. You won't regret it. Bide your time if you need to, what with being so close to having a newborn. But see him for what he is. Abusive.

cushioncovers · 27/06/2022 19:39

What you've got there op is a cocklodger with a fragile ego. Keep the house in your name. Don't marry him and don't expect much help once your baby is born. Please make plans to chuck him out and move on with your life.

sausagepastapot · 27/06/2022 19:49

Honestly, why stay with such an arsehole? Just leave him. You will be so much better off without him! No brainer.

a1poshpaws · 27/06/2022 20:06

I'm not wishing you Happy Birthday, because clearly it's not a happy one at all, and I'm truly sorry about that for you. I wish I could give you the hug you obviously need.

LTB is the only possible way to go. Everything you've written evidences that neither of you are happy, he has zero respect or love for you, and that he's begun influencing your son to be discontented - or maybe worried.

Don't subject this unborn second child to living with this POS, and have more respect for yourself. See a lawyer tomorrow. Sending you love and best wishes for a very Happy Birthday next year, when you've successfully got shot of him.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 27/06/2022 20:07

Happy birthday!
Give yourself the best present and get him out. Believe me your life will improve vastly without the horrible millstone around your neck Flowers

Bjarnum · 27/06/2022 20:08

And on your way out print off this thread and leave it for him!

NotTerfNorCis · 27/06/2022 20:12

Happy birthday!

It sounds like you'd be better off without him. He's a millstone around your neck, draining you emotionally and financially. Tell him to leave.

JedEye · 27/06/2022 20:17

MatildaTheCat · 27/06/2022 12:54

What would your Dad have said about this? I really don’t imagine he’d be happy for you to be putting up with this. Make plans that this is the last birthday you feel like this. Buy some cake and have a party with your son later.

Happy birthday.

This is true. Your lovely Dad brought you up alone and you can do the same with your children. I know it’s not easy but this man will wear you down until you lose all sense of who you really are and what you are worth.

This time next year you could be having a happy, relaxed birthday with your children and your friends.

nzeire · 27/06/2022 20:22

I can feel your utter sadness. I am so sorry.
life is long, you’ve got lots of it left, make it happy for you and your children. Your son needs a dad like yours was, not a dad like his is. I am wishing you strength to leave this relationship.

teraculum29 · 27/06/2022 20:24

OP,
Give yourself a birthday present and ditch this nasty man out of your's and soon 2 kids life!!

Oestrogelsmuggler · 27/06/2022 20:26

MrMrsJones · 27/06/2022 12:05

Happy Birthday, why not treat yourself by leaving this nasty man.

This.

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2022 20:30

Littlebitlost0001 · 27/06/2022 14:12

Thank you to everyone for the birthday love, for your responses (even the tough love ones!).

To address some of the questions raised.

I didn’t tell my son it’s my birthday as I didn’t want to upset him, I usually go all out for birthdays/occasions for DS and partner, decorations, little party at home or out but I like to make people feel special. As I had mentioned my partner has been giving me grief the past week and I could kind of anticipate that maybe my birthday wouldn’t be celebrated, I knew my DS would be upset if he knew it was my birthday but saw nothing being done (decs, little food, cake etc). I didn’t bring it up as not to let him down. He is very thoughtful and would have definitely loved to have make this day special for me as a surprise but of course would have needed his dads help. As I mentioned before when it comes to me nothing is usually done unless I bring up oh shall we go here etc.

Partner doesn’t contribute to mortgage or bills, school fees etc it’s all me. I’m now on Mat leave so going into a budget.
He does expect a lot from me as in to pay for his car (I don’t drive) his bills if he doesn’t work (he’s a taxi driver).

I have definitely lost myself, I’d like to be able to salvage things as he has been there for me after my dad passed but equally added so much pressure to me that I didn’t need, I took only 10 days off work and have worked straight through to my mat leave now I have to manage all bills etc which is still really hard. He shouted at me yesterday for getting a pedicure :/

I know I must seem like I am weak and wallowing in self pity but I am absolutely drained. I have no where near processed my dads passing, I’m dealing with a lot emotionally and trying to raise my family. Trying to manage financially is tough, especially as I am the only one contributing.

Also to address why I would have another child with him, I always wanted more children, after my DS8 I had a miscarriage and then was diagnosed with having a multitude of issues which I was told it was very unlikely I’d have anymore children. Then low and behold this little miracle popped along (hence the large age gap).

I don’t have family that live close only a sister who lives abroad she will come and visit in a few weeks but can only stay a couple weeks. No relationship with mum (as I mentioned my dad was a single parent). I come from a really small family, don’t have friends or I did have and have just lost touch after many years.

thank you again everyone for your responses

Please make next year's birthday really special.

Ditch the 'partner' (and you can earn really good money as a driver, he should be able to budget for the lean days)

He adds nothing, he takes away lots. And you can manage without him

Dillydollydingdong · 27/06/2022 20:32

He must have been nice at one time, or you would never have got into a relationship with him. So why has he changed? He's a different person from who he used to be and maybe you need to ask him why. You can't go on like this. He sounds spiteful, jealous and unkind.

HeadOnShoulders · 27/06/2022 20:40

Reading between the lines of the number of children you have and your husband's occupation, it sounds as if you're both of a certain ethnic group and most probably religion. In which case much of you life and decisions are influenced by your culture and background.

You'd probably be better off speaking to an influential/spiritual figure in your community, who understands the culture, and whom your husband respects. Either he'll change, or you'll be supported if you leave.

Original poster
Littlebitlost0001 · 27/06/2022 20:47

I am so overwhelmed but the responses.
I have struggled today but thanks to all for the suggestion of celebrating with my son he was very happy and gave mummy an extra special gift (present hug)! Which is actually all I needed ❤

To all of you, I have never been seen more and I really can’t explain what that means to me but it’s a lot.

I always thought as a child if it ever rained on my birthday I’d done something bad. Think I can only remember it raining once while I was in primary school, my dad told me that rain can be a sign off new beginnings and the sun always shines through after.
Today it rained for very short while and I felt so different like this whole new chapter was about to begin if I can stay strong - felt like it was a little sign from my dad.

Honestly thank you all so much it means the world to me. xx

OP posts:
BeenHereForYonkyDoodles · 27/06/2022 20:49

Happy Birthday!
I hope you found some happiness today with your lovely DS.
Your DH sounds like a tosser. Imagine how lovely your Birthday could be next year without him around for it. You could have a little party with your DS and the new baby, no nastiness, no drama. I hope you can find the strength to kick this dead weight out on his arse.
Very best of luck to you OP.

beastlyslumber · 27/06/2022 20:50

Today it rained for very short while and I felt so different like this whole new chapter was about to begin if I can stay strong - felt like it was a little sign from my dad.

Hold on to that feeling! Get rid of this waster and get going with your life Flowers

jewishmum · 27/06/2022 21:02

"I don't expect a gift, a card, or anything"

Why not? You arranged a weekend for your partner's birthday. Set your standards higher.

LimesandClementines · 27/06/2022 21:13

Good luck with your lovely new baby OP and in your next chapter. It will be hard but keep strong and reminding yourself of what your dad would say if he was still here Flowers

Tigofigo · 27/06/2022 21:20

Littlebitlost0001 · 27/06/2022 20:47

I am so overwhelmed but the responses.
I have struggled today but thanks to all for the suggestion of celebrating with my son he was very happy and gave mummy an extra special gift (present hug)! Which is actually all I needed ❤

To all of you, I have never been seen more and I really can’t explain what that means to me but it’s a lot.

I always thought as a child if it ever rained on my birthday I’d done something bad. Think I can only remember it raining once while I was in primary school, my dad told me that rain can be a sign off new beginnings and the sun always shines through after.
Today it rained for very short while and I felt so different like this whole new chapter was about to begin if I can stay strong - felt like it was a little sign from my dad.

Honestly thank you all so much it means the world to me. xx

Your dad sounds like he was a really great guy.

He would want you to be with someone who treated you better than this. X

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