It’s my birthday today and partner has not said anything to me

[Littlebitlost0001]

Hi All,

I don’t want this to come off as self pity, I just don’t know if IABU and not seeing another side to this.

So for context.
Today is my birthday, I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and have a lovely 8 year old boy. I am with my the kids dad but our relationship is strained.
Especially over the last week - we are having house renovations and he has consistently blamed me about them despite me saying to only do upstairs and later do downstairs but he insisted on doing the entire house together.

Plesse note I am paying for all of the renovations and we stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks while the bulk of the work was being done. It’s not ideal but I’m heavily pregnant and can manage.

There have been 2 big arguments in the past week and I am just blamed for absolutely everything, everything I do is wrong and selfish apparently.

He has not said anything to me, no happy birthday nothing.
My son doesn’t know it’s my birthday bless him so I just got him ready and he went to school as usual.

This day is especially tough for me as it will be the first birthday without my dad (he passed away almost a year ago and our birthdays are only a week apart - I was very close to my dad, he was a single parent and raised me and my brother alone).

AIBU to even think my partner may wish me happy birthday? I don’t expect a gift, card or anything .

My partners birthday was less than a month after my dad passed and I still ensured I arranged a lovely weekend away for the 3 of us.

Thank you in advance anyone who reads/replies. X

You poor thing! Firstly, happy birthday (and I’m sorry about your dad 💐). Secondly, what an appalling, nasty man. Please think wisely about your future - do you want to be with a man who bad mouths you to your child? He was out of order and childish not to even acknowledge your birthday. Is he always mean and nasty? Is he going through a tough time personally? I’m sorry you’re in this situation xx

Thank you to everyone for the birthday love, for your responses (even the tough love ones!).

To address some of the questions raised.

I didn’t tell my son it’s my birthday as I didn’t want to upset him, I usually go all out for birthdays/occasions for DS and partner, decorations, little party at home or out but I like to make people feel special. As I had mentioned my partner has been giving me grief the past week and I could kind of anticipate that maybe my birthday wouldn’t be celebrated, I knew my DS would be upset if he knew it was my birthday but saw nothing being done (decs, little food, cake etc). I didn’t bring it up as not to let him down. He is very thoughtful and would have definitely loved to have make this day special for me as a surprise but of course would have needed his dads help. As I mentioned before when it comes to me nothing is usually done unless I bring up oh shall we go here etc.

Partner doesn’t contribute to mortgage or bills, school fees etc it’s all me. I’m now on Mat leave so going into a budget.
He does expect a lot from me as in to pay for his car (I don’t drive) his bills if he doesn’t work (he’s a taxi driver).

I have definitely lost myself, I’d like to be able to salvage things as he has been there for me after my dad passed but equally added so much pressure to me that I didn’t need, I took only 10 days off work and have worked straight through to my mat leave now I have to manage all bills etc which is still really hard. He shouted at me yesterday for getting a pedicure :/

I know I must seem like I am weak and wallowing in self pity but I am absolutely drained. I have no where near processed my dads passing, I’m dealing with a lot emotionally and trying to raise my family. Trying to manage financially is tough, especially as I am the only one contributing.

Also to address why I would have another child with him, I always wanted more children, after my DS8 I had a miscarriage and then was diagnosed with having a multitude of issues which I was told it was very unlikely I’d have anymore children. Then low and behold this little miracle popped along (hence the large age gap).

I don’t have family that live close only a sister who lives abroad she will come and visit in a few weeks but can only stay a couple weeks. No relationship with mum (as I mentioned my dad was a single parent). I come from a really small family, don’t have friends or I did have and have just lost touch after many years.

thank you again everyone for your responses

OP I suggest you pick DS up from school and go to a nice cafe for a huge slab of cake, and I like PP's idea of giving DS a tenner to get you something from a shop. Then sit and thank your lucky stars that you a) aren't married to this loser and b) own your house.

From what you have said I can't imagine he will be much, if any, help with the newborn and may even be a hinderance so please take steps to kick him out. I don't often say that on here but he sounds awful.

OP, I don't say LTB that often, but seriously, LTB. He is being horrible to you, blaming you to your son and not helping you despite you being heavily pregnant.

He clearly brings nothing decent to your life, and you own the house which he hates anyway, so you can be free of him quite easily. I know it can be hard to break up a family, but it sounds like you and your son will be so much happier without him.

Oh dear, OP. This isn't normal behaviour. This is what controlling men do to chip away at your self esteem and get you used to gradually increasing levels of bad behaviour...it is correct that if you hear something enough, you begin to think it's true. Please reconsider your options.

Regardless of long term issues, I hope you manage to have at least a good hour or so for your birthday (what about taking your son out for a celebratory slice of cake or dinner out? Tell him it's your birthday. If he's anything like most kids, he will be happy for you and wish you happy birthday and probably make you a nice card).

Happy Birthday. Pack his bags then take your kid out for a nice meal , change the locks .💐

Ah x-post

Seriously OP what is he adding to your life? You say you want to salvage it as he was there when your dad died but then that he added unnecessary pressure at the same time? And where is he now that you are dealing with your first birthday without your dad?!

Him not contributing to any bills would be enough for me to say kick him out, never
mind the abusive behaviour on top!

Please know you are worth so much more than this.

Happy Birthday - treat yourself to a nice meeting with a solicitors

Happy birthday, OP. Your husband is manipulative and abusive. For your sake and your children's, I hope you kick him out.

Did he actually use the word “shit hole” to an 8 year-old child? That’s appalling.

Sorry for your loss. What do you think your Dad would advise you if he knew how awful your husband was being to you? I bet he’d tell you to kick him out.

Bottom line is that if someone is “cruel and nasty” then you should not have them in your life. Please end this relationship as soon as you can.

Having a newborn as a single mum may seem hard, but take it from me, it's actually easier without the emotional abuse constantly draining you. Make sure you join some baby groups when the baby is born - I had more support from my friends from my NCT group and even my health visitor than my useless ex. The fact that you own the house is brilliant. Things may be tight money wise, but you will be FREE, and if you want to treat yourself to something you'll be able to without a barrage of abuse!

No solicitor needed, the man is just a boyfriend.

If you want to keep this abusive parasite in your life you need to date him away from your kid. It’s not acceptable to make your kid endure an abusive house just to facilitate your love life.

Happy Birthday - chuck the b'tard before the baby comes - he's so damn certain you won't that he's giving himself free reign to do what he likes but this goes beyond taking you for granted or being distracted by the building work to actively cruel and abusive.

Go out for dinner with your lovely boy tonight and forget to tell him about it, he can sort his own dinner out. I’d be so upset. Happy birthday.

I cannot see one positive aspect to having this person in your life. He contributes nothing - money, affection, emotional support, nothing.

Why on earth do you think you deserve so little in life? You own the house, are paying for the renovation, you cover the bills, pay for his(!!) car and do nice things for his birthday yet you don't even expect so much as a card or gift for your own? What has led you to feel you are somehow less that this creature you have tied yourself to?

Honestly, I know leaving would be difficult but you seriously cannot wish to live the rest of your life being treated with such disrespect and contempt. For the sake of yourself and your children please try and step back and look at this situation for what it is. If one of your children ended up in a relationship like this what would you advise them to do?

Firstly Happy Birthday, despite your DPs attempts to spoil it.

He sounds extremely nasty and I think you would be much better off without him in your life. I would l kick him out of your house.

I would treat yourself to something lovely for your birthday, and take your little boy out somewhere either after school today or at the weekend if you feel up to it, so you can have nice outing with someone you love and who loves you.

These cruel kinds of men often turn even nastier after the birth of a baby, and you know he will give you no help or support. Personally (although obviously this is entirely up to you) I would not invite him to the birth of your baby. Remember he is only there by invitation and since he has shown some very nasty behaviour, I would not want him around when I was vulnerable, you don't want someone there who is going to make you stressed. Being with a woman giving birth is a privilege, that he has shown he doesn't deserve. But obviously completely your decision and not my business. But I feel upset on your behalf.

Good luck with everything going forward.

Happy birthday, OP.

Pick your son up from school. Get a nice meal just the two of you. Have your own celebration. Your dickhead of a partner can only ruin your day if you choose to let him.

Fuck that cunt.

Please leave this god awful abuser OP.

Do you not believe you deserve better?

Do you want your precious son and new baby to grow up thinking this is how a normal family should be?

Im sorry OP, you sound quite delusional. Like this is all normal and par for the course.

It’s 100% not normal and he sounds like an abusive, vile, undermining, cock-lodging cunt.

He brings absolutely nothing to the table except misery and spite.

Please dump this cocklodging bastard. You sound like you have the means to go it alone if needs be. You are better off without his abusive presence in your daily life.

Happy birthday OP.

You are bringing another child into a clearly abusive home.

This is an abusive many who is abusing you BOTH.

Your son deserves better than this.

Please call Womens aid for help and support to get this waster out.

Do it for your children if not yourself.

You all deserve better than this.

You can do this.

I was just about to say maybe he forgot , need reminding or had something planned but after reading your replies he sounds awful. You haven’t done nothing wrong and he is in the wrong massively. I lost my dad 3 years ago and we was close and I can honestly say I still very much miss him especially when I’m upset about something I want to talk to him . If your DP had said to me it’s a shit hole I would have told him to leave as he wouldn’t want to live in a shit hole that he doesn’t pay for. What a user and abusive arsehole !!

Oh and happy birthday OP xx

I’d like to be able to salvage things as he has been there for me after my dad passed
Oh come on OP. You’ve said one good thing and a thousand negatives. And the negatives are serious issues that are impacting your child.

Put the energy you would put into trying to salvage things with this dickhead into actually improving your and your children’s lives.

Dear OP please realise that he treats you so badly because he despises you for putting up with his cocklodging crap. I know men.
He has zero respect for you and just keeps pushing it to see how far he can go.
Please make him leave. Chuck him out. Tell him you are looking for a real man not a cockroach like him.
You must open your eyes now.