I was really rude and possibly discriminatory to my boss. What should I do?

[Iottie]

NC.

I was in our Monday team zoom meeting. We somehow got onto the Roe v Wade ruling.

My boss is extremely right wing. He was saying how he supported the ruling, it should have never been made in the first place, life begins at conception, bla bla bla etc.

I am the only woman on the team and I was getting more and more irate. I blurted out something I probably shouldn’t have. I can’t remember exactly but it was something along the lines of:

“Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever but it is going to impact millions of often poor and vulnerable women. Men should have no say over women’s bodies.”

There was a really awkward silence before we moved onto another topic.

Right, so I could have been more polite and nuanced in my point, but now I am terrified I discriminated against him by referencing his sexuality.

I know I really shouldn’t have mentioned it - I could have said the same thing without bringing it up but I just got more and more wound up by a bunch of men agreeing with each other instigated by him.

As I mentioned my boss is really right wing so I don’t think he’d report me for being discriminatory as he calls diversity and inclusion bollocks anyway. But if he does I know I could be in big trouble.

What do I do? I don’t know if I should message him apologising but that might just bring more attention to it…?

Your boss shouldn't have been talking about his religious/ moral beliefs on a work call.

Flag to HR to get ahead of this.

Are you in the UK? If so he’s get in just as much - if not more - trouble for spouting his BS.

but if you’re in a right wing US state, then I have no idea!

Yes I am in the UK.

We work in a political industry, so it was not really an off limits discussion. We often debate political issues.

Don't you dare apologise. You did nothing wrong. I would struggle to work under somebody as odious as him in any case, but if he did decide to make an issue of this, I think he would find himself on a sticky wicket, as his own comments were entirely inappropriate in a workplace, and not for the first time.

Are you part of a union?

Have you checked your disciplinary process?

As a boss he should know better than to bring up controversial topics.

I doubt it'll go further as it also looks badly on him.

I would not apologise.
If he says anything. Stand by what you said.
You were correct.

Hmmmm. Sexuality is a protected characteristic, but is what you said discriminatory in any way? I don’t really think so.

Whenever anything like this comes up in a work context, keep your own counsel. I can’t believe this was deemed an acceptable topic for a work discussion.

I might just leave it then and hope it blows over. Thanks guys.

I am just worried that he could report me if he felt aggrieved enough, in which case I’ll be screwed.

I think you were wrong to bring his sexuality into it.

However, if he was to make it into an official issue (which sounds unlikely based on what you said) I don’t think much would come of it, you’d both probably be told to keep work chat appropriate. Maybe an equality course or similar at most.

I think the contact of the discussion counts a lot against him and works in your favour.

I would start job hunting, not because I think you’ll get in loads of trouble over this, but because it seems a shit place to work.

Your boss shouldn't have been airing his views on abortion in a meeting anyway (and he also shouldn't be sneering about diversity and inclusion when he manages a team - it's his job as a manager of people to make sure people in his team are not discriminated against and are not made to feel uncomfortable by other employees, and team members need to feel confident about that). You are absolutely not the issue here. If anything, you should be making a complaint about him.

But he is a man trying to force his (unpopular in the UK) political opinion about women’s rights on a woman.

If it was my company, the CEO would give him a ticking off for that.

It’s offensive to mention his sexuality where it has no relevance, but in this case it does as means that abortion has no relevance to him whatsoever.

That puts a slightly different slant on it.

You shouldn't have brought his sexuality into it as it's irrelevant anyway. Hopefully it'll blow over and nothing will come of it.

@VerifiedBot2351 By specifically mentioning his sexuality I worry it might be…

It implies he has less of a say just because of his sexuality (which tbh I stand by - it literally has zero impact on him. At least some other guys could say if it involves their baby it does impact them).

I think you’re best to leave it. It’s a shame you didn’t retort with the probability of many states now also going after Obergefell and similar but you can always save that for any follow-up!

I would not apologise at all. He shouldn't have brought it up if he didn't want people to respond with their view.

You didn't say anything abusive or offensive about his sexuality. You made a pertinent point that as a gay man he will never be affected by something like this.

He sounds like a vile arsehole.

I think it’s clear op and you knew it this would bring the cheerleaders out.

the reality is if this is true yes you behaved terribly and it warrants disciplinary. You do not silence people due to their sexuality, gender, ethnicity or any other reason

I do really like my job. It’s incredibly niche and would be difficult to just switch to another organisation. Everyone knows each other in this industry as well.

Your manager was inappropriate bringing it up as a topic of conversation unless it’s relevant to your work. I would go to HR and highlight his unprofessional comments and that he has form for minimising the importance of inclusion and diversity, and that you’re aware your reaction was not perfect but was said in the interests of demonstrating that there are divergent views on the issue. I would then ask them to confirm what actions they will take given the impact of his behaviour on you and potentially other colleagues that could have been directly or indirectly affected by the views he expressed. I’d highlight that the discussion of abortion, pregnancy and similar topics could be extremely distressing for colleagues due to their personal experiences regarding pregnancy (infertility, pregnancy loss…) and the issues surrounding the legal decision.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.. even if you work in the political sphere I can’t see how him spouting his own beliefs are allowed..? I think you could absolutely say you found his remarks offensive if this escalates in any way. xx

I don’t think you said anything discriminatory at all. You mentioned he is gay, you didn’t say anything homophobic, just offered your opinion that it isn’t an issue that is very relevant to him. In his personal life he may have a relative or daughter affected by these issues, and he is allowed to have an opinion and express it but if he decides to do that AT WORK then he has to expect other people to have a different opinion. It is a very controversial subject area and highly likely that many people will disagree with him.

If the boss opens up sensitive issues for debate, then he should expect a debate. He can’t take offence if he doesn’t like the fact his staff have different opinions to him.

This

@Rainbowshine very well put xx

It’s offensive to mention his sexuality where it has no relevance, but in this case it does as means that abortion has no relevance to him whatsoever.

But gay men can and do become fathers by using surrogates (a whole other contentious issue), so in that sense it could affect him in the same way it could if he was straight.

It implies he has less of a say just because of his sexuality (which tbh I stand by - it literally has zero impact on him. At least some other guys could say if it involves their baby it does impact them).

See even this is quite dismissive if you don't understand that gay men can and do (often) have children.