I was really rude and possibly discriminatory to my boss. What should I do?

[Iottie]

NC.

I was in our Monday team zoom meeting. We somehow got onto the Roe v Wade ruling.

My boss is extremely right wing. He was saying how he supported the ruling, it should have never been made in the first place, life begins at conception, bla bla bla etc.

I am the only woman on the team and I was getting more and more irate. I blurted out something I probably shouldn’t have. I can’t remember exactly but it was something along the lines of:

“Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever but it is going to impact millions of often poor and vulnerable women. Men should have no say over women’s bodies.”

There was a really awkward silence before we moved onto another topic.

Right, so I could have been more polite and nuanced in my point, but now I am terrified I discriminated against him by referencing his sexuality.

I know I really shouldn’t have mentioned it - I could have said the same thing without bringing it up but I just got more and more wound up by a bunch of men agreeing with each other instigated by him.

As I mentioned my boss is really right wing so I don’t think he’d report me for being discriminatory as he calls diversity and inclusion bollocks anyway. But if he does I know I could be in big trouble.

What do I do? I don’t know if I should message him apologising but that might just bring more attention to it…?

See what he says when when they go after gay rights, because they will. Idiot. If he can tell you his views on this matter, you can do the same.

If you were black and he was white and the discussion had been about racism then you saying he did not understand because of his ethnicity would I think have been valid. I think what you said was valid too, and as a double whammy, he is a man and a gay man. Experience trumps feelings/belief/ political leanings.

I wouldn’t apologise, it was said, everyone heard it, I don’t imagine it was said in a negative manner but in a factual and truthful way.

Yes, exactly this.

Of course they do! At no point have I suggested they don't. Getting a woman accidentally pregnant and planning a pregnancy with a surrogate are very different scenarios though. Surrogacy and the ethics surrounding that are a different topic however, I stand by the fact that gay men are very UNLIKELY (not impossible) to ever be personally affected by abortion.

Exactly this - having a chat with colleagues in break time, ok. In an actual work meeting - definitely not. Even though you say you work in an organisation that is politicial in nature, these are matters that are based on personal beliefs and form no part of a work meeting.

You've fucked up as you say you work in political industry so it was valid to discuss the case .
Right or wrong your all entitled to have a view thats the full point of a discussion

But you crossed a line by making a cheap dig at his sexuality .
I'd apologise and hope he doesn't report you .

Girls and women have to contend with the risk management concerns that could arise from an unplanned pregnancy. Heterosexual men could reasonably argue that an unplanned pregnancy would also impact them though I've lived a long time with very little evidence that they are as concerned with avoiding one or as impacted by one if it occurs. Homosexual men are not at risk of unplanned pregnancy, certainly they have their own challenges in life but this isn't one of them. I think this is what OP is getting at, not that gay men can't or don't have children, just it may make it harder to empathise with why women get abortions.

Do not apologise! This is what patriarchal men want. Women to be quiet, polite and apologetic. There is a war on women happening and we cannot be silenced.

I'd try not to worry about it.

If it's a work place where personal opinions on abortion can be discussed (which is unusual and usually unadvisable) and he was expressing his opinion, you were free to express yours.

You referenced his sexuality in relation to his opinion, and if he really is a free speech advocate then he should accept that is your view, otherwise he's a hypocrite.

This will really be a test of the let's discuss contentious issues freely in the workplace culture that is espoused.

No man has the right to say what a woman does with a pregnancy. Gay or straight. Zero.

And I whole heartedly agree.

My point was (and this is not the same as saying I agree with it in any way!) The argument by straight men is that it is their babies being "murdered" so they should get a say... Again I in no way agree with that but that is their "reasoning". What reasoning does a gay man have for being anti choice other than just being a cunt?

🙄
In terms of say he gets, none.

He will also never accidentally get a woman pregnant so will never have the opportunity to argue that he should have a say.

I take it my £1000 can stay in my account then.

You should not have brought up his sexuality but he should not have brought up his political viewpoints and beliefs which many women find abhorrent.

However it sounded like he started it & let it get out of hand. He will know this...

Is your boss the Tory MP for Blackpool? 😅

I'd also be watching what he's saying, given the right wing agendas in America for gay people...

Right wingers don't like Gay people, unless they're paying to use them behind their wive's backs.

I stand by the fact that gay men are very UNLIKELY (not impossible) to ever be personally affected by abortion.

And that's where we agree.

So the OP should never have said “Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever"

That was pure discrimination.

Wow so discrimination is fine as long as you own a vagina?

A surrogate would be unlikely to insist on a termination though.

I think the entire discussion was inappropriate for a work base setting.

for me, that would be extremely offensive and triggering because I've had an abortion.

In sensitive issues I really think it should be kept out the work place. the fact you stated he was a gay men seems the least of your problems.

I'm surprised at the voting. OP was unreasonable to mention his sexuality, it's completely inappropriate.

However, the whole conversation was, including his expression of his beliefs so I can't see there being a negative outcome or any disciplinary issue for you.

I would apologise, however; because you were wrong to reference his sexuality. Apologising for that does not make you apologetic for your other expressed views.

May be missing the point here, but I'm always amazed there are anti-diversity, hard-right gay men. Just who the hell do they think went into bat for them back in the day? Even in the eighties and early nineties the right wing parties, media and voters were astoundingly homophobic*. Those people would have had zero compunction about throwing this guy out of loads of jobs/groups/pubs in case he spread his gayness around. And yet, here he is, embracing people like that, and disparaging the folks who expended load of effort getting people like him treated like normal human beings. Honestly, I'd be tempted to read up on the history of treatment of gay people by various groups across the ages, then next time he wants to have ranty political conversations, throw it all in his face calmly and rationally hand him all the facts until he's shown up for the hypocrite he is.

*I'm old enough to remember the Conservative party political broadcasts warning that voting for Labour councils meant funding gay seminars 😂

I think saying that he is a man and has no say is enough, no need to bring up his sexuality. Straight men have no more of a say? The irony is it's mostly heterosexual men making these laws anyway

A surrogate would be unlikely to insist on a termination though.

Yes, unlikely but not impossible. Therefore the OP was wrong to discriminate.

Nope. A straight man still doesn't get to dictate whether or not a woman aborts his child.

What reasoning does a gay man have for being anti choice other than just being a cunt?

There are a number of gay men who have been very loudly campaigning to reduce regulation around surrogacy so that it is easier for them to have a family. I’d imagine that the inevitable outcome of banning abortion, i.e., more babies available for adoption, is also going to be welcome news to some (not all) of these campaigners.

In this day and age it’s more likely the surrogate is subject to a contract where the ‘parents’ can force her to abort if there is an issue with the baby, or prevent her from doing so if she is unwell.

Well... the right wing has a very strong opinion on LGBT rights and not only they believe that life starts at conception but that god created marriage to happen between a man and a woman. A gay man voting for right wing is a bit like a black man joining the kkk. You basically vote for a political ideology that sees you as a loser person with little rights due to your sexual orientation.

This said your boss has no business in using a work meeting to voice his political ideology, not only it's not the place forte but your employees might have a different one (most probably). He knows he can get away with it because he's the boss.

What a lovely guy to work for. A visit to HR is not a bad idea.